An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

It started out lovely, shiny and new. I jumped in and revelled in the feelings that I had not felt in decades. After 30 years with someone else, the last 10 of those years being difficult at best, how wonderous for me. Like most alliances, there was the phase of discovery and fascination, where those involved tended to be on their best behavior, hiding their darker sides. The unconscious darkness stayed in the background, laying dormant, waiting and watching. And then the shift, who did it first....I couldn't say. But being myself, I would blame him for hiding the parts of him that were too hard for me to tolerate. And the more he hid, the more I reacted. Not coming from a healthy foundation, I fought it, wondering why. Why stay here when you want to be someone I cannot handle? Why lie and say you will and then do the opposite. I cannot give his side except to say that possibly it was my need to control was what forced him underground. What I know, for sure, is that I went...

Do you always remember that you love your partner when you are in conflict? I often forget my love for the Boy Scout when we are arguing. Something seizes my being, my gut, my throat, my heart and I become more primitive. Survival, fear, abandonment, loss of love. My ears ring (my hearing goes way down), my heart races....fight or flight kicks in. I am working on it but it is not easy. If I remind myself that I will be ok before it gets out of hand, I do alright. I remember that even though we are arguing, it doesn’t mean he is leaving. And I am doing better and better but when I forget...UGH! Who taught you how to fight? Did they do a good job?

Grateful for a good day, for the increasing ability to resolve conflict in a healthier way and for learning to let go of some things that I cannot control. The control one is cool. The need to fix things around me is strong and, usually, so easy to do. I am a great organizer and have the ability to toss crap out and prioritize. This is a job for me and only me. With too many people in a too small house, the urge came on to start the purging process. My room got a good cleaning and heading to the garage next. Time to organize and set my house in order. But only my junk.....everyone else's stuff is calling my name and I might eyeball it but healthy boundaries work both ways. Ignoring the compulsion to clean it ALL and learning to be okay with that. Everything doesn't have to be perfect for me to feel comfortable anymore. It's alright to be a little uncomfortable, life is messy and I'm learning to roll with it. Practicing "sitting" with the feelings that often...

I'm conflicted. I feel upheaval and anxiety and my gut tells me to react. I'm working my program. I do not have to resolve. I do not have to speak up. I do not have to fix. I can sit quiet. I can trust in a God that is in control. I can breathe and wait. I'm ok.