An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

I may have written about this before but I am getting along in age so I will proceed as if I have not.  Months into our relationship, that started exactly 8 years and 364 days ago, the Boy Scout and I were off to some unremembered destination. The memory of the trip is gone but one little event was seared into my memory (and also his).  Driving down the 101 Freeway, I noticed my gas gauge is on empty. I quickly exit the freeway and there is a gas station at the end of the exit. I stop, turn the car off, wait for few seconds, grabbed my purse, retrieve my credit card, wait a few seconds, and then get out to pump the gas. It was cold, I remember that. I get back in the car and Boy Scout is doing something on his phone. I look at him and then state clearly, "When I need gas and you are in the car, I don't ever want to pump that gas again". He looked surprised and then nodded his head with understanding and said, "Fair enough". BOUNDRY SET! He's honored that bou...

24 years ago, a former employer, good friend and someone still connected to my business, asked me for a favor. He and a couple of his friends decided to open an indoor skateboard park. None of them had experience in this, they were winging it and they asked me to do their accounting. At the time, I had three little ones, was pregnant with my 4th and was running my own business. I had a full plate. I ended up saying yes, unable to establish good boundaries and feeling like I owed him for his love and friendship. I had some decent accounting experience but nothing related to this type of business. It would have several revenue streams, including admissions, memberships, instructions, retail, food and large events. I had a ton to learn and had to learn it on the fly. The park opened in July, I had my baby in September and my then-husband got very sick in New Years Day. By January 15th, he had lost 25 lbs and had a deathly pallor. A trip to the doctor and a number of tests showe...

I just checked and realized that I didn't blog for a long time.  Not quite sure how that happened. Things are going fairly well. Been busy with my ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) and enjoying it thoroughly. Growing, learning and becoming more emotionally mature while meeting fascinating people from every walk of life. It's not right to relay these stories, as they are not mine, but I will say that I see more resilience and determination in the ACA rooms than anywhere I've ever been. The abuse and degradation that my fellow travelers have survived astounds me, yet there they are, striving for peace, happiness and just an all-around better way to live. I, too, am looking for a better way to live. One without the records in my head telling me how stupid I am, without fear ruling my reactions, and one where I set up really healthy boundaries and stick to them without guilt or shame. I'd say overall I am doing well and heading in the right direction. All in all, ca...

I think I mentioned that the Boy Scout and I are working hard to remain a viable and loving couple. I went to pay him a visit tonight at work and the following is a retelling of a uncomfortable evening. I get to the restaurant while the man is on break. We sit and talk and then I go sit at the bar when his break is over. At the bar are two of my favorite peoples so we sit and chat for awhile. It was nice. Time goes by and one of them, I’ll call Keith, who I have spoken of before ( See here ), starts on a rant, telling me what I am doing wrong. He’s says I’m not over my childhood, and I need to fucking let it go...over and over and over. A stoning, over drinking dude is telling me I’ve got problems for not accepting stoning and drinking as ok. The f bombs are flying, as they do whenever he drinks too much, and he let’s everyone know his truth, whether or not they ask. I already have issues with drunks but drunks telling me I need to get my shit together is not overly fun. I make ...

I must stop reacting. I had a set back the other day. My reaction, once again, overshadowed the negative behavior of someone else. Lord when will I learn? I will learn. I will eventually get there. Little by little, I will learn to quiet the incredible anxiety that explodes out of me in an ugly way. I will, one day, be firm in who I am and where my boundaries lie....when I do, I will quietly enforce them, standing firm in the comfort of knowing when too far is too far FOR ME regardless how someone else views it. Meanwhile, I am allowed to make mistakes. I am a imperfect human being that continues to try to be the best I can be. Despite my errors, I am: a good friend a good listener a pretty good mom a forgiving ex-wife a person with empathy a loving sister a devoted daughter (despite being an orphan) a good business woman a partner who keeps trying I am breathing, easing the anxiety, gaining back my serenity. Serenity is a beautiful thing. I am wishing you peace ...

I think I may have mentioned that long before the Secret Keeper got sick he was an incredible father. Engaged and loving, he worked hard at doing the right thing with our kids. He played games, told stories, said prayers, attended all sporting events, brushed their teeth, soothed their tears, etc, etc, etc. Basically, he was pretty amazing. That was a long time ago and now he is trouble. Big trouble. How I ache for my kids to have had this wonderful dad and now are forced to think about his health, mental and physical, living arrangements, and now, court dates. The two boys know a little of what happened but they don't ask questions so I don't bring it up. I am sure the distance makes that easier. My oldest is doing some incredible self care which means she involves herself when it is healthy for her to do so. My youngest is walking a path of self discovery and learning boundaries. It is a intricate dance that may be years of learning and, most probably, pain. I know littl...

The past few weeks have been good and fun, hard and stressful. We've gotten used to living  alone....just the two of us. A bunch of family time has been great but tested us a bit. The Boy Scout didn't have kids and he's walking into well established relationships with invisible boundaries. We (me and my kids) love to talk current issues and such but we all lean fairly left while the Boy Scout is a little right of middle. A couple a times discussions got more heated than my comfort level allowed and once it got ugly. Net Neutrality is now a verboten subject... ;) We talked and worked and, perhaps, argued a bit.  How I appreciate his willingness to keep trying.  My kids have also had to learn to dance with a new dance partner because of their love for me. I am grateful to all of them. It wasn't all bliss.....it was a family adjusting to a new road map. In our quiet moments, we like to put the Mark Knopfler station on Pandora. One of the songs they play on the station...

I love the AA / Al-Anon slogan of "Doing the next right thing". It's meant to be applied to oneself but I sometimes get caught in the trap of expecting someone else to do the next right thing, as I see it. Everyone's next right thing is their own. My right may be opposite of yours. If so, that means that healthy boundaries are pretty important. As I continue the process of "kind of" re-parenting myself, those boundaries become clearer. There is nothing wrong with expectations when it concerns how the actions of another may affect you. I have hopes and dreams...goals. When the repeated action of another may impede my future plans, I have the right to say "NO".  What the other person does with that line drawn in the sand is their own choice. My counselor reminds me that there is a very fine line between healthy boundaries and controlling. I agree. There are times when the scene before me looks like a window acting as a barrier from a heav...

With good boundaries you don't have to argue, fight or throw fits. Did you all know that?  DID YOU???? Did you already know that when people do things that feel hurtful or when they break their promises, you don't have to react, over-react or blow up? Why didn't I learn this? Good clear boundaries say "This behavior is unacceptable to me. I don't have to live like this" or "I will not engage." I've set a boundary that I am very proud of and very comfortable with. I am interested to see how it plays out. Will I stay true? Will I cave in? I am not sure as it is a new practice and I have no precedent for what comes next. What I have learned is that whether I stay true to my new boundary or whether I renegotiate...it's ok, I am OK. It will not mean I am a loser or weak. It will simply mean that I need to figure out, once again, how I feel, where I am going and how I am going to get there. I will treat myself like a little sister, ...

So, my sweet Winnie has the home of her dreams (and no, it isn't ours). Winnie (Rozee) and Cooper We met my childhood friend half way between our homes in the O.C. (Orange County). I had not seen Jeannie for 39 years but through the power of Facebook, we reconnected. She came with her son and her mother....it was wonderful to catch up. They reminded me of things I had forgotten. I had forgotten how Shirley, Jeannie's mom, used to yell at me, "Where is your sweater and get some shoes on?"  I never wore shoes unless it was a requirement. Tomboys don't need shoes silly. Jeannie reminded me how I had once tried to get her up on the back of Jaspar, my sister's pony. I'm not sure why he was in our back yard but he was a mean old thing. Apparently I helped her on up and then right onto the ground on the other side.  I was probably 8ish which would make her 5. The funny thing is I know for a fact my sister Pam would have killed me if she knew I was near ...

Rain, glorious rain. I'd forgotten what it looked like, what it smelled like. Beautiful beyond words. This little house I bought is now home to me, my Boy Scout, one French bulldog, two Clumber Spaniels and a tropical jungle full of plants. While having two big, hairy, white, outdoor dogs is much more conducive to dry climate, the garden has suffered since I purchased the place. Palms, ivies and fruit trees have done OK for the most part but the avocado tree and the delicate ferns, not so much. After receiving my first water bill in excess of $400.00, I had to cut back on usage (there's a drought here in California). Wednesday the tree trimmers will come and take out the giant avo tree which monopolizes the air space in the back yard. Hopefully, the other plants will start to thrive after it is gone and we will be able to start planning the landscaping. The Clumbers are leaving soon and I have very mixed emotions. When they moved in, it was out of necessity as my Boy ...

Tuesday afternoon was spent on the municipal golf course in Santa Barbara. It was a gorgeous day.  Living on the coast of California, one can often expect what we term as "June Gloom". It is exactly that but sometimes June Gloom can last from May to July. While grateful that the June gloom can keep us fairly cool as the temperatures rise inland, it can wear on a person after awhile. But not yesterday, the sun broke through and there was a cool wind with the temps being in the high 60's to low 70's. I finally scored under 100...WOOOOOOT!, and did so without too many ugly errors. Played the 18 holes with the Boy Scout and his two best friends and held my own. Golf has been a great learning experience albeit an expensive one. It tests me in my sportsmanship, attitude and comfort zone; sometimes all at the same time. Afterwards, we went to dinner at a place that I would not choose and ate food that I would not choose but it's ok...we d...

Hello, I'm Linda and I am an alcoholic.  Well, no I'm not but I have listened to so many YouTube "We Do Recover" videos that I have the urge to say that on occasion.  Those recovery videos, along with my Al-Anon meetings have changed the way I think about the alcoholics / addicts in my life. They have changed the way I think and feel about the homeless man screaming as he walks along the street, the gal who waits at the bus stop but never boards the bus, the teen on the street who looks angry and man who makes it to work every day but numbs himself to the hilt after he gets home. Building a foundation of empathy with good, healthy boundaries is such an amazing blessing.  Don't get me wrong, I still have a healthy dose of fear because of the unpredictability of the addict/alcoholic. I like to know exactly what to expect in any given situation...I didn't know that about myself before but it's true. It doesn't have to involve my qualifiers, it ...

Continuing living my life as the "Child of God" has helped in some new ways that even "being grateful" wasn't helping. I'm letting my loved ones do what they need to do, good or bad, and attempting to remain steadfast. Perfectly? NO but far better than I have in the past. Al-Anon reminds us that it is Progress Not Perfection and I will hold onto that with all my heart. No need to beat myself up due to failures....just make my amends and keep on trying to do better.   Funny how others can be blind to their own faults. They can point out yours and give warnings or pep talks but not recognize their own mess. Good thing that is no longer my responsibility (not that it ever really was). People will do what they do and we, as individuals, get to decide how that does or does not fit into our lives. Openly communicating needs and then bravely, we must move forward, holding onto our values, doing as little harm as possible but willing to set free or erect new...

I have a number of different names: Child one: Mum Child two: Momma Child three: Mother Child four: Mommallama Fam of origin: Lin Boyfriend: Cricket Former Boss: LMB Sweet Texan Friend: Miss Linda Too many people: Bitch (the former me) Lots of different names. Lots of different roles. I wear each one separately. My goal is to put them all together and be one person all the time. Consistent, loving, with strong boundaries, empathetic and with a healthy dose of self care. In business and in daily life, my desire is shed all masks and find me...the real me.  After all these years, who the hell am I? I am a mom who isn't needed they way she once was. I was a wife but am no longer one. I am a daughter with no parents, a sister redefining the relationships. A business owner, a girlfriend and a dog owner. A gal with a lot of fears. “While we are all connected, we must face our own challenges alone.” ~Yut Face your inner demons; own your responsibility...

Boundaries; they are healthy things.  So why do so many of us have trouble with putting them in place and keeping them? Why did we learn, early on, that it is not ok to speak up and say I need this or that is not acceptable? According to  Darlene Lancer, JD, MFTD, MFT, Boundaries are learned. If yours weren’t valued as a child, you didn’t learn you had them. I can't say whether my boundaries were valued but I do know I was one of 6, with a busy mom and an almost non-existent father. It was what it was and it was all I knew. I  know that my lack of understanding boundaries deeply affected my parenting. I wish I had done things differently but I did what was logical to me at the time.  What I have learned is that a boundary is a beautiful thing. It helps prevent the building of resentments, which can easily harm new or long term partnerships. But why is saying "no" so hard? "One of our most fundamental needs is for social connection and a feeling ...

A normal life seems just a hair's breadth away from me at any given time. I know what it looks like...I think I know what it should feel like but it's not mine. Struggling with things I don't want to. Do I do it to myself or am I just a magnet for people who push my limits to a degree that makes me feel normal...FEARFUL? Black and white is a terrible way to live......expecting everyone to fit into a comfortable mold. Can I handle being around someone that has behaviors that make me feel....less than, unable to measure up, sad and out of control? Those have been my "go to" feelings for a long time. The other option is that my expectations have changed and that they are fairly normal and it is someone else that has the real issues but the past makes me start to doubt my intuition. The answer probably lies somewhere in the middle, which is where I would like to be. In the gray area with good boundaries, loving tolerance, my God in control and a very, ve...

As I went back over my blog, I noticed a definite theme. Working my program, failing to work my program, working my program, failing to work my program. Looking at the big picture, I know what the problem is. I have faith in God, I know that I was created by God and that he cares for me but the fact of the matter is that God is really busy and might overlook a situation that is important to me. Lack of faith. FEAR. Fear still rules in my life at times. And, truthfully, though I want it to change, I'm not too hard on myself. I learned to survive with fear and there were times that it probably served me well; protected me. A lifetime of behavior does not change over night. Sadly, I can still call up reasons to fear; like when loved ones are behaving in self destructive ways or when they are hurting me with words or actions. Those are the times I need to give it up to God.  Where is the line in the sand though? Where do we say "God I give this to you" or "Fu...

We were married on my 22nd birthday. We opted for that day because our first date was on my 17th birthday and felt it was meant to be. We were young and happy and looking forward to a bright future.  The story didn't go the way I had planned but that's what I get for thinking I was allowed to decide how my story should go. What an ego!!! Since my "story" involves so many other people, how presumptuous of me.  I have learned that the important thing is becoming a happy person and allowing life to happen, only intervening when boundaries are breached or when someone I love asks me for help. It may seem like I'm not playing an active role in my life but not true. When I am working my program and doing what I need to do, excellent boundaries count for so much. They allow me to say "No" and "This is not working for me" and "This is what I need from you" without expecting someone to read my mind and with the expectation that I will do ...

When struggling with an issue, big or small, it is so much easier to do so having the "Just for Today" attitude. I often struggle with control....needing everything to be alright. It mainly plays out with the people I am closest to. I don't need to rearrange someones flowers or flip a friends roll of toilet paper. But if I am willing to admit it, deep down, I want the behaviors of my people to be such that, when all is said and done, I am happy and content. How presumptuous of me to think that my comfort should be placed above someone else's right to make good or bad choices for themselves. When did this need to control start? I don't really know for sure but what I do know is that it is destructive. Aside from messing up any chance of serenity I may hope to possess, it also damages my relationships. When the bar is set too high, people will avoid, rebel or just plain hide behaviors that might come under the scrutiny of a hard to please person. So, I try th...