An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

When I got married the first time I used my best magical thinking when contemplating the future. Does everyone do that? Do most women imagine they will be on the winning side of the 40 to 50 % that fall to pieces? They must or why would they do it? We are visiting our little town Ventura. I’ve driven by the homes that the Secret Keeper and I lived in, raised our children, spent decades trying to be on the 50 to 60% that make it, trying to have the life I dreamed of. Looking back now, there was never truly a chance. Just like so many other people, I didn’t have the proper tools I needed and the Secret Keeper had even less than me.  I go inside myself for just awhile and there is a sadness but it is more nostalgic than grief. Still now if I am asked who I am, a mother of 4 terrific humans comes to mind before partner, business owner, daughter and sister. But these days seeker might show up before mother. I am definitely more introspective, trying to figure out what makes me me. And, ...

The wind is gusting and while it is not my beloved Santa Ana winds, with their warmth and incredible energy, I’ll take what I can get. I love wind.  Wikipedia describes: Santa Ana winds are known for the hot, dry weather that they bring in  autumn  (often the hottest of the year), but they can also arise at other times of the year. [3]  They often bring the lowest  relative humidities of the year to coastal Southern California, and “beautifully clear skies.” [4] With that description I can’t help but wonder who wouldn’t love the Santa Ana’s but I reluctantly admit that the fires that often accompany these winds are a very strong con. In my junior year of high school I fell in love with a windy song. It spoke of longing and nostalgia, feelings that were still quite foreign to a 16 year old, but I love me some Bob Segar. I leave you with a little bit of 59 year old nostalgia, a feeling that I am much acquainted with these days. 

Today, finding myself with a some extra time and feeling a little nostalgic, I took a drive by my old house. At the bottom of the street, I felt the little twist in my stomach. That twist, which was once so prevalent in my daily life, doesn't show his face very often anymore, but here it was again, like an old friend leading me home.  I drove slowly, noting all the changes that my former neighbors had made to their yards. Our California version of rain has everything blooming beautifully. I love this street still.  I love that it is in the foothills and that there are no streetlights, no sidewalks and is about as quiet as this little city gets. I love the memories of walking/running the neighborhood with my daughter while getting ready to run our half marathon. I love seeing how each home owner deals with living on a hillside in a different way. Each of them trying to prevent the erosion that every big storm brings on (at our house there was a different kind of storm and a...