An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change The courage the change the one I can And the wisdom to know that one is me This is ACA's special serenity prayer and, as much as I love it, I can find it difficult to adopt fully. It's a great way to live if you are able. I think my problem is that I just can't get it in my head how truly alone I am and how a self love and inner trust is necessary for peace to settle in. Once I figure that out, life with others will get easier. I imagine life with me will get easier for those around me too. Meanwhile, relationships my kids keep getting deeper and richer as I practice cleaning up my side of the road and staying in my own lane. It works. You, yes you, might be laughing or scoffing at me, but I didn't know this most basic of rules. Now that I have awareness, it allows me to let go of resentments, let go of my interpretation of someone else's actions or words, and enhances peace.

As my world gets quieter, the people around me are affected almost as much as I am. Sometimes it is hard for me to know if I have turned something up too loud. Sometimes I know it is too loud but I am unable to make out what is being said for lack of clarity. Upping the volume can often help in that situation. Today, a person in my office building came over and pounded loudly on my door (and I heard it). He said that he was frustrated at having to listen to whatever is playing in my office. Unfortunately, I frequently have something playing as it seems lessens the intensity of the tinnitus. I apologized and was going to explain and realized he just didn't want to hear it. "I'll be more careful", I said. He huffed. I get it, I look perfectly normal. No one would suspect that I am somewhat handicapped, disabled, other abled....however you want to say it, I don't look it. Be that as it may, I am more and more becoming unable to hear. And yet, my body, brain an...

I must stop reacting. I had a set back the other day. My reaction, once again, overshadowed the negative behavior of someone else. Lord when will I learn? I will learn. I will eventually get there. Little by little, I will learn to quiet the incredible anxiety that explodes out of me in an ugly way. I will, one day, be firm in who I am and where my boundaries lie....when I do, I will quietly enforce them, standing firm in the comfort of knowing when too far is too far FOR ME regardless how someone else views it. Meanwhile, I am allowed to make mistakes. I am a imperfect human being that continues to try to be the best I can be. Despite my errors, I am: a good friend a good listener a pretty good mom a forgiving ex-wife a person with empathy a loving sister a devoted daughter (despite being an orphan) a good business woman a partner who keeps trying I am breathing, easing the anxiety, gaining back my serenity. Serenity is a beautiful thing. I am wishing you peace ...

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Acceptance time has arrived. I will do what I have to do to keep my insides at peace but I will not be joining them. I will continue to believe in and honor the people in my life who: Value diversity and recognize that it enriches us all Know that woman and girls are not objects to be used, fondled or leered at arbitrarily without respect for their person-hood. Understand that in this world, not everyone has been given the same opportunities. There are those who need our help. There are those who deserve our compassion. Recognize that healthcare is a basic need and that this country of ours is more than capable of providing it. I could go on but I won't. Peace to you too and have a wonderful day.

On my calendar is the recurring post, "This is the day my life started over". Today is it. Two years ago today I began a journey of a lifetime. I would deny it to no one or, at least, no one with their eyes as tightly closed as mine.  When I mentioned the calendar post to my oldest she was silent. I knew.....the entry brings on conflicting emotions for both of us. My life did start over, with a struggle, anger, heartache, fear and so much hard-assed work....more work than I've ever done before. But as hard as I've worked to get to this point in my journey, it seems paltry compared to the work the Secret Keeper has to put in daily just to keep walking on this planet. I cannot change that but feel it's necessary to mention it as I cannot be grateful for where I am without recognizing the cost and it's implications on those around me. There is still far to go to real healing and serenity but I went through some fire and have come out on the other-side bette...

In so many of the AA speaker tapes on YouTube, the speakers will talk about the fact the alcohol was not the problem, it was the answer to the problem. The problem, as often described, was the feeling of being less then, not fitting in anywhere, a knowledge that you are somehow different than everyone else in the room. They often describe the first drunk as making them feel taller, prettier, funnier, sexier and just plain smarter than everyone around them and, finally, being able to take a deep breath and feel apart of. Unfortunately, the feeling is fleeting and can eventually lead to using the substance to an excess. Bottom line is that AA and Al-Anon, organizations that were formed by people whose lives had become "unmanageable" because of alcohol, call this a spiritual malady. As an Al-Anon, it occurred to me that I have very similar problems to the alcoholic but I deal with those awful feelings by trying to control what is going on around me, by forcing the behavior ...

Clearly it started young; my need to control what goes on around me. Unknowingly, a child makes a decision that affects ones entire life. An adaptation, an adjustment in the way one thinks that makes each day just a little bit more bearable.  Life is scary, so scary....everyday feels a little unsure and insecure.  A father walks out, without looking back. Food was scarce occasionally, house payments and rent were often late. Who can you count on, if not your father? One starts to build on that feeling, to find ways to cope, to make it feel better. I did that by thinking that no one is going to control me, that I would not count on anyone, be ultra independent. But in truth, the emotional needs were tremendous....so much so that the people around just could not measure up. Each person in my sphere needed to behave a certain way in order to make me feel OK. My poor Secret Keeper....already a people pleaser, already ill-adapted to a healthy emotional life, tried so hard. He re...

We were married on my 22nd birthday. We opted for that day because our first date was on my 17th birthday and felt it was meant to be. We were young and happy and looking forward to a bright future.  The story didn't go the way I had planned but that's what I get for thinking I was allowed to decide how my story should go. What an ego!!! Since my "story" involves so many other people, how presumptuous of me.  I have learned that the important thing is becoming a happy person and allowing life to happen, only intervening when boundaries are breached or when someone I love asks me for help. It may seem like I'm not playing an active role in my life but not true. When I am working my program and doing what I need to do, excellent boundaries count for so much. They allow me to say "No" and "This is not working for me" and "This is what I need from you" without expecting someone to read my mind and with the expectation that I will do ...

The anger and fear (or joy and happiness for that matter) I feel at any given moment are not me, they are a reaction to something happening in my life. My goal is to allow the anger and fear to flow over and then to let them go, almost like watching a scene on TV.  The scene happens and then it is gone...I do not become a part of that scene. Since fear has been the largest stumbling block on my journey to serenity, it is the one I must cope with most frequently. The idea is that the feeling, FEAR , starts to rise in my chest. I recognize it, perhaps analyze why it's there if it is not obvious, allow it for a moment and breath deep and let it go. Way easier said then done but I'm giving it my best shot. Permitting the fear to rule my life didn't work very well in the past (understatement of the century) and caused me to do many crazy things that will not be mentioned in this post since I have put enough of my crazy into past entries. I suppose everyone does this in th...

When struggling with an issue, big or small, it is so much easier to do so having the "Just for Today" attitude. I often struggle with control....needing everything to be alright. It mainly plays out with the people I am closest to. I don't need to rearrange someones flowers or flip a friends roll of toilet paper. But if I am willing to admit it, deep down, I want the behaviors of my people to be such that, when all is said and done, I am happy and content. How presumptuous of me to think that my comfort should be placed above someone else's right to make good or bad choices for themselves. When did this need to control start? I don't really know for sure but what I do know is that it is destructive. Aside from messing up any chance of serenity I may hope to possess, it also damages my relationships. When the bar is set too high, people will avoid, rebel or just plain hide behaviors that might come under the scrutiny of a hard to please person. So, I try th...

A phone call....it starts out pleasant enough, although I wish I didn't need to make it. "I have some mail for you," I tell him.  "You should probably change your address at the doctors office and the lab." "Oh, ok...no problem."  He goes on to explain a few other things.  He actually sounds really good.  Completely coherent and present, unlike so many times in the past year. "Also, I need to get the information on the accounts you opened at the bank after we separated, " I told him.  "They need that on the court documents." Hesitantly he asks if I am still going through with it. He tells me how hard he has been working. He tells me that he had hoped I had changed my mind.  I tell him that I love him but that we can't be together, that I can love him more freely this way. I can wish him only the best when I am not feeling the hateful resentment that daily reminders would inevitably stir up in me. Voice cracking, he ho...