An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

Last night, out of the blue, an old acquaintance came to visit.  It’s been two years and one day since the last big homecoming. That time, it was a long time before leaving and I lived in dread, wondering if an exit would ever take place.  The old friend? A dizzying case of vertigo. A trip to the hospital resulted in a  “go home and sleep it off”. That time I could not tell up from down and, to be honest, it seems like that case did some damage somewhere deep inside my brain. I never went back to normal, staying just a little off kilter to varying degrees. After about a month, I could drive and work again as long as I was careful.  It’s more manageable today but it is not remotely fun.  This time, I’m not borrowing trouble, fretting about how long it will last or how bad will it get. I will, for the moment, stay in the moment. Ask me tomorrow and may have a different answer but for now I’m choosing to be sort of ok. 

As I reflect on Christmas day, a few things come to mind. There was a incident that was so very uncomfortable, and I handled it pretty damn good, not perfectly but really well. And even better, when I saw a text that seemed to judge my behavior, I stayed present and did not absorb that person's opinion of the incident. I remained true to myself and gave myself a big pat on the back. Well done chica. I think it showed growth and for that I am grateful. In addition to that, the Secret Keeper came for the dinner that my sweet Boy Scout lovingly prepared. It was easy and fairly light hearted. The conversation was fine. Perhaps a little more gossipy than I would have liked but really OK. The food was great and the kids got to be with their dad, whom they love dearly. I’d say a big win. When I see him, I no longer think of what happened between us. I just feel a little sad and now that I know how to feel sad instead of shoving down or throwing it onto someone else, it worked out alr...

The house that I owned before my divorce was my dream house. It was old, not perfect by any means, but it had a great garden, away from the city noise and it was a good size. The dreams I floated for the future saw me in the living room, with the kids and their partners home, a couple of grandkids playing with the toys I had purchased with just them in mind. I envisioned a tent in the backyard for the adventurous, a night under the stars. Food is cooking, filling the house with the aroma of home. Peace and joy are the feelings I conjured up when picturing this homecoming. And though it would be tight, we would all fit. The reality is quite different. Not everyone is home and home is not where I thought it would be. A couple are sleeping in the uninsulated garage (which happens to actually matter this year as we have a rare storm), one will be on the couch and two won't be coming home at all. There are no grandkids as of yet. What there is, in this tiny house of mine, is a lot ...

My boy is home! Here for a few days visit and I am ecstatic. He informed me just before the flight that he had a little surprise. My selfish self slightly hoped that they were pregnant...just a little. I am admitting this with a little reluctance and a dollop of shame. Instead, my boy (who is not a boy) got a really good promotion within his company and I am very happy for him. I knew it was not their time. I knew that it was purely self centered and that they will have kids when it is the best time for them and I, as I love him with all my heart, would desire nothing else at all. It was a fleeting feeling and now it is gone and I am just happy that he is happy, that they are flourishing and living their lives purposefully. So now, I am free to enjoy 2 1/2 days of contentedness and being fully present.  Enjoy your weekend.

I have a tremendous sense of survival and self protection. I'm that person that plays it safe and follows the rules; rules of society and the rules that are in my head. Being a child of an alcoholic, in my distant past I decided that nothing good comes from drinking. I've never been drunk (although honestly it sounded pretty good in the last two years). I don't smoke, excercise fairly regularly, gave up a life long Pepsi habit, get my fiber and daily veggies, avoid public toilets...blah blah blah.   Pretty boring girl, I know.  I recognize now that loving life and being in love with life are different.  I spent much of my time trying to make sure that everything was OK (which it wasn't) and trying to control the outcome of each bump in the road that presented itself, living in survival mode.  I feared the outcome, I feared what I would be left with.    Al-non has taught me that I have no control over any person but myself.  Trying to do so wa...