An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

The central question of a warriors training is not how we avoid uncertainty and fear, but how we relate to discomfort. How do we practice with difficulty, with our emotions, with the unpredictable encounters of an ordinary day? ~ Pema Chodron I love this quote. I am reading The Places That Scare You, by Pema Chodron. It has been helpful and very applicable for my life. I am not afraid to go outside, ride in a car or even of spiders and snakes. My fears are far more primal. I have deep fear of feeling out of control and of being deceived. Sometimes I have no idea that fear is what is controlling my behavior.  I eventually figure it out but, often times, it then requires the making of amends to the person or people involved. I have made great headway but the awareness puts the spotlight on something that I was once blissfully ignorant of. That means some good hard work, learning to trust myself, dropping expectations of others and having compassion for the tender ...

I want to learn how to: SURF - I've been saying it for too long. When will I just do it? I wish I didn't dislike being cold so much or, perhaps, lived in Hawaii. It would make it so much easier. SPEAK FRENCH - I've taken a class or two and I purchased a program to help but my hearing impairment has made it a little hard. I keep trying and I can parle un peu de français  but I'd love to be somewhat fluent. FLIRT - how do some people just know how? And is it ok for an old gal like me to do it? I'm not sure but it would be fun to try. My sister talks about highly estrogenized women....kind of the Marilyn Monroe type. Maybe I need more estrogen. MORE TOLERANCE - of the views of others even if it seems incredibly stupid  (Trump lovers). MEDITATE - and gain control of my anxiety. ELIMINATE EXPECTATIONS FROM MY MIND - no longer thinking that someone will or should do this or that. Being in the moment and living life (As I type this my stomach is in a knot). ...

My program is not working. Not today. I've forgotten I am powerless. I've forgotten no expectations. I've turned my back on the idea of turning my life over to my Higher Power.  I've stopped "T.H.I.N.K.ing and thrown the "Q TIP" in the trash. My STEPS are moving backwards.  Tomorrow will be better. 

Replace expectations with healthy boundaries and life gets much more peaceful. Easier said than done. I made a mistake and was disappointed because of expecting someone to do what I considered the right thing. Well, disappointed is probably a little bit of an understatement. Resentment is a far better word for what I am feeling right now. Al-Anon gave me a tool for this...it's in my box but my ego got in the way. It said to me, "You do all this; therefore, this person will put a similar effort in on their part." Big no no! If I am doing something with the expectation of something in return then my motives are skewed.  The better way for me to handle this is to figure out what I can and cannot live with and what I am able to give freely without needing something in return and then just do so. Unfortunately, this means cutting back on doing things I love or doing a lot more things alone. It kinda sucks because I spent a long time doing a whole bunch of t...

WORD FOR THE DAY Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rains will come again. SARAH BAN BREATHNAC One of the “sayings” in Al-Anon is about expectations. What I gather when they say “ Expectations are premeditated resentments ” is that when we are dealing with our “qualifiers” or any of the people in our lives, it is very good to learn not to expect anything.  The Bard of Avon himself said, “Expectation is the root of all heartache”. I’m not one to argue with Shakespeare but… I do believe that we should always hold onto the knowledge that the when dealing with our own hearts, our own attitudes, that we have a choice. I expect to be in a better place a year from now. I have the tools; I have been putting in the hard work, been trying and failing and trying again. It’s such a bummer because when I fail, others can point that out as “the problem” and neglect to look at...

How do I identify myself?  The subject of the sermon on Sunday hit home in a meaningful way. One thing I realized after listening to the message was that my self-identification is fluid, changing from situation to situation. Perhaps not as much as it once did but I still put on many different hats during any 24 hour period. When asked who I am, I would say; mother, daughter, lover, child of God, orphan, sister, friend, pet lover, business owner. When asked what I am like, I would say; introvert, searcher, fairly open minded, loyal, willing to hear both sides, loving, tender, honest, empathetic........additionally, I am; fearful, manipulative, hotheaded, sharp tongued, quick to anger, dirty fighter, jealous, anxious and did I mention fearful? I was challenged to figure out if the way I define myself is lasting and healthy. By keeping my Higher Power at the forefront, being a child of God first, I allow myself to be so much better at the other things. I can love more freel...

Truth! But the hardest thing that I've ever attempted.  Detach from the outcome, let life flow and let go of expectations. Four steps to help. Step 1.   Choose a person you love, but about whom you feel some level of anxiety, anger, or sadness.  Step 2.   Identify what this person must do to make you happy, but using this sentence: "If _________ would only __________, then I could feel ____________." Step 3.   Delete the first part of the sentence, so it reads: "I could feel _____________." Realize that this is the only honest truth in the sentence and know that you have the power to feel that way no matter what anyone else says or does.  Step 4.   Shift your focus from controlling others to creating your own happiness.  Keep up the good work.

Sometimes it's hard to find the beauty. It takes some digging, removing the layers of sadness, picking through the ugly strewn anger, raking up loose lying hurts and, finally, unlocking the shackles of fear. Underneath it all can be amazing blessings that astound! They're always there but they get covered, rendered invisible or maybe we just become blind. For me it was blindness. The weight of the world made me unable to see the real beauty lying just on the other side. The other side of self pity and shame. As I peel away the ugliness, I have also been blessed by a new view of others. I suddenly see others gifts and beauty instead of focusing on their flaws. And when I don't, I am more aware and start to question the motives of my poor focus. This is especially helpful when feelings are so raw. One can rush into analyzing the meanings of conversations or a statement, easily taking the low road and thinking the worst of the other person. What matters is to live in th...

Another weekend has passed. Kept as busy as I possibly could. Had a nice conversation with my secret keeper and made me feel hopeful. Hopeful for him, for his health, for my kids and perhaps for a friendship that's bonded with memories of what once was and with our sweet kids that love us both. I've been slowly letting go of the old dreams and expectations. From the time I was quite young I envisioned myself in one of the long lasting marriages, with a strong friendship, where we celebrate holidays with our kids, their significant others and tons of grand kids. Joyously watching the next generation basking in the love of their doting grandparents. Over indulging on Christmas morning because we could actually afford it.  These dreams are to be replaced with living for the moment....what will come will come. I was able to choose happiness a bunch this weekend and I am proud that I can honestly say that God has softened my heart in a way I never thought this angry...