An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

For years I sought out the morning quiet without even knowing I was doing so.  Remembering the feeling of annoyance for that infant, whichever infant,  waking earlier than they were suppose to, infringing upon the moments of morning solitude  that my body would seek; no alarm needed. That desire magnified when we left that big house that gave me space I needed, and found ourselves in 900 sq ft. Me and two young adults. There was no corner to retreat to, no place that wouldn’t disturb the other occupants  of that house that smothered me; but only in the mornings That’s when I took to the car, where I would watch the new day begin, where I could listen, in a volume suited for my ears, to the poets and preachers, the guides, that promised to help me convert my turmoil into peace, my anger into grace. They’ve kept their promise, or rather I did, with their help.  Now, I’m looking for a place inside this house, a corner of quiet,  an early retreat, where I can f...

Woke to this interesting wet stuff that has been so rarely seen at my other home that I almost forgot what to call it. I have always loved it. I hope I never tire of it even while in a place of abundance.  We need to relearn life with a dog in Portland. Teeny tiny apartment + big wet dog = muddy carpet. We will figure it out.   Still I will greet the new day in my usual spot, practicing my meditation, getting in touch with my feelings, remembering to breathe, experiencing wonder at the beauty, and working on good self talk. Today is not guaranteed. I will rejoice and be glad in it.   Happy Saturday to you.  Not sure why, but it is a big No/No to have an umbrella in Portland. A sure sign you are a tourist. Boy Scout took it to heart. The dog? She has no problem with the rain.

I just checked and realized that I didn't blog for a long time.  Not quite sure how that happened. Things are going fairly well. Been busy with my ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) and enjoying it thoroughly. Growing, learning and becoming more emotionally mature while meeting fascinating people from every walk of life. It's not right to relay these stories, as they are not mine, but I will say that I see more resilience and determination in the ACA rooms than anywhere I've ever been. The abuse and degradation that my fellow travelers have survived astounds me, yet there they are, striving for peace, happiness and just an all-around better way to live. I, too, am looking for a better way to live. One without the records in my head telling me how stupid I am, without fear ruling my reactions, and one where I set up really healthy boundaries and stick to them without guilt or shame. I'd say overall I am doing well and heading in the right direction. All in all, ca...

Last night I had my first bath in months! No, I don't have hydrophobia. The tub was removed from the house about 16 months ago. Eight weeks after it was removed a shower was put in its place. More grateful for that shower than I can express but, truth be told, I am a tub gal.  Under that cardboard is a nice little tub♥ Well the master bath construction continues but the tub is in! So, with no real walls, no windows, no flooring or lights....I got in my new tub. The Boy Scout set out towels and used a pliers to turn the water on. The air was chilly, the water was near scalding as I sunk in and closed my eyes. This is home. It's in my genes. My mama was the same way and, as I have written before, she and I shared many a special moment as she soaked in the tub after a long, hard day at work and I sat near by, catching up with the days events or just being together. She probably would have rather been alone but she never said so that I can remember. The bath tub is...

Met the Boy Scout's ex for drinks (why does it always have to be drinks?) so that he could see their communal dog (Cooper) that now lives with her. It was fine, it was lighthearted, it was pleasant....it hurt. Thinned skinned me notice every little smile and look, every inside joke they shared from their 30 some years together. The packet of pictures she produced from the big 30th birthday party she threw, where my man lovingly held and kissed another woman (her). They drank the same drink. They gleefully talked of football and the coming season. They laughed over some of their amusing shared partying past (which wasn't all that funny to me). The easy, relaxed way he interacted with her. The way he jumped when she sent him off on an errand as if it was still his job to be her partner. After he left, she talked to me about what I could do for his 60th birthday. Something she had in the back of her mind for 20 years or so...  It hurt. But the difference is I recognize...

Fears often control my thoughts or actions.  I hate that it is that way but I developed that coping mechanism long before I was aware there was such a thing as a coping mechanism and getting rid of it has proved to be a full-time job. Distinguishing between a fear and intuition it a tough one. Knowing when your heart is trying to protect you or when it may be constructing a fortress can look surprisingly similar Recently, when having a heated discussion (OK, OK....a full out argument), I needed to step back and look at what was prompting the fight. Was it legit or was it fear? I couldn't honestly say which so I went back to my Al-Anon work and then did some research on the internet and according to  Dr. Judith Orloff  here are some tips on figuring out the difference. Signs of a Reliable Intuition Conveys information neutrally, unemotionally   Feels right in your gut Has a compassionate, affirming tone Gives crisp, clear impressions...

Still full of fears but learning, day by day, to be grateful and happier. Being purposeful about enjoying the moment and allowing my heart to fill up with the beauty around me. Found this 10 step list a few months back and read them each morning before I begin my work. 10 Truths that Happy People Never Forget Happy people: 1.     They believe that they are completely worthy of happiness in life. 2.    They don’t let their circumstances decide their mood or their overall state of happiness. 3.    They are grateful, always and every day, rain or sunshine. 4.    They are extremely generous – they give and help and serve others frequently. 5.    They love life, they accept life and feel in harmony with life. 6.    They are free of judgment, be it themselves or others. 7.    They get curious, rather than angry, when things don’t go their way. 8.    They believe in their own power ...

It can't be said for everyone nor for all situations but it can be applied in a beautiful way to many tough times.  When I think about some of my hardest times, I realize that having them turn into blessings has got to be a choice one makes. When looking at friends and acquaintances that have lost children; somehow, miraculously, some of them are able to find some peace and blessings and others cannot and do not ever. I don't judge; that has not been my journey and I cannot fathom how those who are able to find peace do so.  I only know that, for me, when faced with hardships, many of my years were spent saying, "This is not fair", rather than, "How can I grow from this", or "Where is the lesson I need to learn". Resilience was not a quality I knew a lot about. Practicing daily gratefulness, meditation, prayer and faith in my Higher Power has changed that somewhat. Not every time and not in every situation right off the bat, but of...

I used to be a hard core sleeper. I could sleep through absolutely anything! Earthquakes, power tools, kids parties, etc.  The funny thing though, I never slept through my babies crying. I was a nursing mom for a lot of that time and I would wake at the first peep. The sleeping brain is so very interesting. Now-a-days, as I've shared before, sleep is a toughie. Many nights I will wake around 3:00 or 3:30 and be done...occasionally falling back down at 5ish. I've learned not to freak out about it, trusting that if not tomorrow night, then maybe the night after, I will sleep. I can get a little tweaked when it is the fault of someone else but otherwise I just try to quiet my brain and relax. Some YouTube videos have helped me get a little more balance and taught me how to relax when my brain will not cooperate. I listen to the following:       https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46dYmKYpnGY       https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L12_GAi2...

Facts fly out the window and behaviors will be ignored. The enemy, FEAR, causes logic and peace to become scarce. Another situation that leaves me open to the "what ifs" and the "I am not good enoughs".  The action of others will disappoint and I wear it like a heavy cape...weighing down on my shoulders. Al-Anon tools are too often set by the wayside and default emotions take control. Is it that I lack the courage to believe that life should feel richly abundant and deeply connected? Or perhaps I know that is exactly what it is suppose to be like that but that, somehow, I am not deserving. Not so, there is enough love to go around. Today will be better. Today I will remember the following: 1. My thoughts are not necessarily truth….in fact, often times they are far from it. 2. Remember that fear was once a needed coping mechanism; that was then and this is now. I have the intelligence to use reason and logic rather than emotion and reactions.  3. Using ...

Early morning praising and thanking and mediation starts the day out perfectly.  Whether life is running smoothly or if the road is rocky and hard, my day is always better if I ground myself, first thing, in gratitude. The mornings I forget, or those mornings where I am in so much turmoil that I just don't, lack something special. Clarity and a joyfulness that comes by just being authentically grateful for the life I have been given is missing. As I make my thankful list, I try hard to not constantly list the obvious......I am consistently grateful for each of my children and the roof over my head. The comfortable bed I am laying in is often the first on the list. I love my bed, with its abundance of pillows cushioning my curves and pointy places and my aches and pains. After that, I try to be aware of the many things I take for granted...my yard with its crazy array of palms and ferns and tropical this and that, my garage that was suitable enough to house my oldest boy ...