An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

I remember as a child, and even as an adult, hearing the saying "Count Your Blessings" and thinking it trite, compactly religious and easy for the people who didn't have a bunch of shit going on to say. How could I do that when we couldn't make rent, had no gas money, struggled with kid issues, had serious illness and then the hearing loss? It wasn't till I hit a rock bottom that I learned that being grateful was the key to everything moving forward. I learned the lesson but applying day in and day out it is harder than I ever thought. I try to find things to be grateful for but the bad things have a habit of calling my name and speaking far louder than the good. It requires a rewiring of the brain. I am learning. Today I am grateful for the struggle of learning and changing. If I did not have this struggle, I would still be living drought and insufficiency. Everyday, even though I have a ton of struggles, the good things take hold, get a voice, call my name...

There are a number of people in my life that bring such joy or laughter, feelings of pride or safeguarding. Each holds a special place in my heart. Mikee has been around for about 15 years. Hard to believe it's been that long but it has. Mikee is about 7 years younger than me and, honestly, I was a bit taken back when he first walked through the doors. Picture a very handsome and taller Vin Diesel. He has tattoos everywhere from the neck down and, at 6'4" he can present himself as pretty badass. I suppose he is badass but he also has a tender, sweet side. When he first starting working with us he told me he was best described himself as a 'MOM". His former wife had walked out on him and his two tiny daughters leaving to raise them on his own. He did just that for a long time. He's an amazing dad. Our mutual friend and co-worker Tim Garrety brought Mikee here to take care of the music venue portion of our indoor skate board park. Kids from all around ...

I'm taking my oldest to the airport today. She's off on a little adventure to PA to visit friends in her online community. I am so proud of this girl. I didn't teach my kids self-care. I didn't emulate it...didn't even really know what it implied but when our family unit fell apart, each of the us started a journey of trying to figure out what the words "self-care" meant. My oldest started life out not quite fitting in but found a few good friends that were solid and true. Unfortunately for her, my need for everything to be perfect didn't allow for the girl that considers herself a bit of a weirdo to feel free to be herself. I never got that but I do now and I fully embrace who she is. She is kind, loyal, thoughtful, loving, uptight, beautiful, artistic, quirky, anxious, inside her own head and just plain wonderful. She takes her role as a partner, daughter, sister and oldest sibling seriously and with great thought. I wish her the tools to let g...

It can't be said for everyone nor for all situations but it can be applied in a beautiful way to many tough times.  When I think about some of my hardest times, I realize that having them turn into blessings has got to be a choice one makes. When looking at friends and acquaintances that have lost children; somehow, miraculously, some of them are able to find some peace and blessings and others cannot and do not ever. I don't judge; that has not been my journey and I cannot fathom how those who are able to find peace do so.  I only know that, for me, when faced with hardships, many of my years were spent saying, "This is not fair", rather than, "How can I grow from this", or "Where is the lesson I need to learn". Resilience was not a quality I knew a lot about. Practicing daily gratefulness, meditation, prayer and faith in my Higher Power has changed that somewhat. Not every time and not in every situation right off the bat, but of...

Life is good....there is always, always, always something to be grateful for. Knowing that in your head and keeping it in your heart are two different things. As this lesson becomes imprinted upon my heart, my blog changes its nature. Slowly, it shifts focus from the heartache to the blessings. At the onset, I needed this place to think things through, to connect with people with similar struggles, to document my brokenness and, hopefully, to see progress. More time goes by between entries as I reach higher for the whole person God intended. Without my High Power, I flounder. Without His mercy, this girl would still be raging and causing harm in this world. The past may have been painful, but it is gone now and the time to create a better future is here. I found the following to be helpful in every day life, not just when there is substance abuse present. Accept what is.  While it is understandable to wish things were different, know that you are not alone, that family subs...

Not much going on.  What a wonderful thing to be able to say. My house entered escrow and I spent an afternoon crying and knowing that it was necessary. That's done and now I have moved on with being grateful for so many things. Big things and little things; the "things" don't matter, it's being grateful that matters. I have a few people in my life that have NO family. One in particular has no one except a spouse. How does one get through in this world without family? I've always said that my siblings were the greatest gift my parents could have bestowed upon me. They have been a balm in the storm knowing I could count on them. Even our blacksheep, who I haven't seen since my mom died, would be there if I called him. It's something our Mom taught us without even saying a word. I realize now that I can get through just about anything, day by day. With or without help, when I stop fretting over what could possibly happen tomorrow, I do so much bett...

Sometimes it's hard to find the beauty. It takes some digging, removing the layers of sadness, picking through the ugly strewn anger, raking up loose lying hurts and, finally, unlocking the shackles of fear. Underneath it all can be amazing blessings that astound! They're always there but they get covered, rendered invisible or maybe we just become blind. For me it was blindness. The weight of the world made me unable to see the real beauty lying just on the other side. The other side of self pity and shame. As I peel away the ugliness, I have also been blessed by a new view of others. I suddenly see others gifts and beauty instead of focusing on their flaws. And when I don't, I am more aware and start to question the motives of my poor focus. This is especially helpful when feelings are so raw. One can rush into analyzing the meanings of conversations or a statement, easily taking the low road and thinking the worst of the other person. What matters is to live in th...