An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

During my time alone today I thought about how being a mom has been the best thing I have ever experienced. It has been the most connective and rewarding adventure in my life. And yet, it has not come without the usual complications and then a little extra. As I contemplated the past 35 years, some of the things I am most proud of, memories started to creep in. And then, a memory that was nestled between the face of my childhood librarian who looked a lot like Beverly Cleary and the young man, whose name completely escaped me now, that had professed his love for me when I was 15, came forth. I'd rather not go into details. With the conveniently forgotten memory came that feeling. You know the one. That feeling that makes one feel small, unworthy and threatening to overshadow any good you've ever done. It renders the positive mute. The familiar feeling of shame came bursting out. My first instinct was to GET RID OF IT! I wanted to text the kids and bring the occasion to the fore...

When I was 12, I received the only gift my father ever gave me. It must have come in the mail because he had been AWOL for some time. The 7 of us were left to clean up after the storm. Only problem was we didn't have rakes and shovels, more like toothpicks and straws. So the gift came and was met with disdain on my part. I had to be mad, for myself, for my mother's sake. Besides, I was way too old for the gift. Didn't he know that? Of course not, he didn't know me at all. If he did, he would have understood how hurt and damaged I was by his abandonment, but that's another story. That was 45 years ago. That gift, object of my scorn, somehow managed to stay with me through 9 moves. I got older and it stayed the same. I reconciled with that man and eventually came to love and appreciate his friendship but I never wore the gift. Recently, during a deep cleaning, it appeared again but this time I just smiled and remember that handsome man who was so afraid of dying becau...

ACA wasn't my first walk with 12 Steps. After hitting my bottom, where I lost my marriage, my home, my security and my dreams, I made my way to an Al-Anon meeting. My hopes were that it would help me to get over my anger. My motivation was that I did not want my kids to lose the father that they knew to mental illness and addiction, only to lose their mom to bitterness and spite. I didn't really go for me. That program took me far enough to find forgiveness for the man but it didn't touch on the guilt and shame I carried for myself. A counselor had been suggesting ACA for a good long while and, finally, my heart opened enough to give it a try. I went once and quickly left. I judged and felt ill at ease and did not go back for a few months. I just wasn't ready. Eventually, my higher power, my conscience, the universe...something kept telling me to get back in there. How I feared it. Feared baring myself to strangers. I went and, after awhile, I was able to openly ...

When the 24th comes round, my Boy Scout will be found in the kitchen, showing his affection for me and the kids by sharing his love of cooking. Not just the kids though, there will be an additional guest. The Secret Keeper (my ex) will be there too. When I share that, I'm not able to impart the astonishment I feel about that fact. You see, when the break up happened it was with some very unfortunate circumstances. If we look at the behaviors prior to the downfall, like lying, cheating, prostitution, stealing, drug use, and did I mention lying, you would think I would never be in the same room with that man again. I would think I would never be in the same room with that man again .  But four amazing, forgiving kids, a strong desire to not carry anger for the rest of my life, an ACA and Al-Anon program, a blog to process my progress and the development of a modicum of empathy has brought this strange dinner party to our house.  This man, living in a sober li...

“It’s snowing again and Elsa decides that even if people she likes have been shits on earlier occasions, she has to learn to carry on liking them. You'd quickly run out of people if you have to disqualify all those who have, at some point, been shits.           My Grandmother Asked Me to Tell You She’s Sorry                  ~Fredrik  Blackman I just really like these lines. Fun little book by the author of A Man Called Ove. 

Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics. Have you ever been to a meeting? It is an interesting place. You hear stories, hard stories of pain, love, abuse and neglect. But most, not all, are there for healing. For some, it is just too early for that. Some people come and just want to be heard. Healing isn't on their radar. And for a few, they are just too damaged, they only come to list every hurt, every snub....they come for the pity. Hopefully, they will figure it out. That is not what ACA is about. Not PITY. ACA is about self love, setting boundaries, caring for your inner child (who can get in the way of a happy life). It's about not relying on others to make you whole. We share our experience, strength and hope in order to heal and, while doing so, give someone else the hope that they too have a chance for a better, more peaceful life.. Not all meetings are healthy. It is said that you should try out 6 different meetings before deciding on one that fits you. I sta...

"Forgiveness is one of the really difficult things in life. The logic of receiving hurt seems to run in the direction of never forgetting either the hurt or the hurter. When you forgive, some deeper, divine generosity takes over. When you can forgive, then you are free. When you cannot forgive, you are a prisoner of the hurt done to you. If you are really disappointed in someone and you become embittered, you become incarcerated inside that feeling. Only the grace of for giveness can break the straight logic of hurt and embitterment. It gives you a way out, because it places the conflict on a completely different level. In a strange way, it keeps the whole conflict human. You begin to see and understand the conditions, circumstances, or weakness that made the other person act as they did." ~J O'Donohue Isn't that lovely?  I find I am able to offer it up to many but withhold it from the one that holds my heart in his hands. I am able to be generous with it...

I changed my blog sub-title. It was "Finding dynamic forgiveness and a healthy spirit in the face of betrayal and addiction."   That no longer really applies. I am still working on forgiveness but much more for myself than anyone else. I have forgiven the Secret Keeper 100%. I recognize who he was and who he became was caused by a horrible illness in the brain that I cannot fully comprehend. I understand now that he did not purposefully betray me, it was NOT personal. He did what he had to do to survive. It wasn't pretty but me adding to his shame will not help either of us. I will continue to try to do no harm. Forgiving is an incredible freedom. I highly recommend it.

I want to learn how to: SURF - I've been saying it for too long. When will I just do it? I wish I didn't dislike being cold so much or, perhaps, lived in Hawaii. It would make it so much easier. SPEAK FRENCH - I've taken a class or two and I purchased a program to help but my hearing impairment has made it a little hard. I keep trying and I can parle un peu de français  but I'd love to be somewhat fluent. FLIRT - how do some people just know how? And is it ok for an old gal like me to do it? I'm not sure but it would be fun to try. My sister talks about highly estrogenized women....kind of the Marilyn Monroe type. Maybe I need more estrogen. MORE TOLERANCE - of the views of others even if it seems incredibly stupid  (Trump lovers). MEDITATE - and gain control of my anxiety. ELIMINATE EXPECTATIONS FROM MY MIND - no longer thinking that someone will or should do this or that. Being in the moment and living life (As I type this my stomach is in a knot). ...

I'm done with all that history for now.  I've moved on. I have learned to forgive and feel a compassionate love for a very sick man and I am still learning to forgive myself for the ways I failed him and my kids. I know that I did the best I could at the time but my eyes have been opened about the walls I had erected around me and the persistent intermittent anxiety that I unconsciously blamed on the behaviors of the people around me.  From a bad situation, I am learning so much about unconditional love, acceptance, living one day at a time and breathing. I have learned that  Al-Anon  and  Adult Children of Alcoholics  have a tremendous amount of peace to impart if you are willing to put in the hard work. I have learned that changing the way you walk in and react to this world is very easy to say but incredibly hard to do but well worth the effort. More than anything I have learned that we all have good and bad things going on in our lives. We...

Yesterday was Fathers Day here in the US. My father has been gone a good many years now. My kids father is no longer a prevalent part of my life and the Boy Scout is not a dad. So Fathers Day was just another day.  We took a ride and ended up in two small towns; Arroyo Grande and San Luis Obispo. San Luis Obispo is home to a top ranking state university, California Polytechnic State University - San Luis and what is commonly referred to as Cal Poly.  San Luis is an adorable little college town with fun and funky shops and lots of good food. It was a nice day with some lovely sunshine and good company. While on our excursion I got a couple of texts and found out that my girls were spending the day with their dad. Very sweet. They all went to church together and then spent some time down at the beach. It is, and has always been, one of his favorite places. So glad they got to spend some special time together. For a few moments, after getting the texts, I got ...

trust noun 1 . firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. "relations have to be built on trust" synonyms: confidence ,  belief ,  faith ,  certainty ,  assurance ,  conviction ,  credence ; reliance "good relationships are built on trust" 2 . LAW confidence placed in a person by making that person the nominal owner of property to be held or used for the benefit of one or more others. Trust is the foundation of every healthy relationship. For those of us who have been damaged by betrayal in our distant or recent pasts, trust has to be a deliberate choice. It doesn't come natural; it requires vulnerability and a transparency that can be hard to give to others. It can be even harder for some t...

Office Christmas party tonight.  All I can say about that is that it is wonderful to be going and feeling normal. Last year the Boy Scout came with me but there was still a lot of pain from the previous couple of years and forgiveness remained a stumbling block. Forgiving the Secret Keeper, some of the people attending the party and, above all, myself. This year I do not have to worry about whether my partner will show up or how he will be acting when he does. I will not be sitting next to my spouse and wondering if anyone else in the room feels as confused and desperately lonely. Tonight I don't have to question if the rest of my life was going to remain exactly the same and if I could ever learn to be happy with the situation.  Now I know it was my job to be happy in spite of the situation. I had, with the help of a special friend, started on that journey even before the Secret Keeper left but I had quite a ways to go. Resentments took up too much space in my head. Th...

It's another beautiful day in Southern California.   I ran into an old friend. We were "bench buddies" when our kids were small. We would meet before school got out and chat until the kids showed up. During that period of time of our lives, her husband, who had been a married couples co-leader with her in church, had an affair and had decided he needed to leave her and the kids in order to start a new life and be "happy". I remember at the time, I gave her advice from the small child in me who had deeply desired to have a relationship with my father. I suggested that the best thing she could do for her little ones was to, somehow, learn how to be civil with her ex and his new wife (who just happened to be their pastor’s unmarried daughter). I didn’t say forgive or become friends as those were concepts beyond my ability to fathom.  My friend ended up losing her marriage, her church home and a number of friends but she followed my advice. Since then, as ...

Day 6 - Write ten things that you are proud you accomplished. Forgiveness. Without that, none of the other wonderful things that have occurred would have been possible. Learning how to accept and detach from my kids. It sounds negative but doing so has allowed me to love them freely and without hesitation. No judgement and no responsibility...just love. I've learned how to say "NO" and it's amazing. I've accepted my hearing loss and am pretty darn comfortable with it. I can right off the bat say, "I have hearing loss, can you repeat that" and repeat it again if I have to. I don't know if I can say it is my accomplishment but I am so proud of my kids and how they have dealt with their father. Love, kindness, forgiveness and acceptance...and still practicing self care....they are amazing people. Learning that being kind to others is being kind to myself. I've learned to give my love away again.  Not perfectly but in my own messy way......

I just read a great article about growing from our regrets.  The article talked about a UC Berkeley study of 400 people who were invited to share their biggest regret in life then asked to write about the regret with self-compassion and understanding. In evaluating the results, researchers found that some of the group focused on their transgressions, some described hobbies they enjoyed (?), and some wrote about their regrets with a positive tilt and a good self-esteem. After the writing exercise, researchers also asked participants how much they accepted that the event had happened and forgave themselves for it, suspecting that these factors might be involved. And it turned out that acceptance played a role: Compared with the other two groups, the participants practicing self-compassion were more accepting, and acceptance was in turn linked to more motivation to improve.  My biggest regrets: The way I handled tough situations with my children, especially w...

Loving life these days. Working my program and feeling fairly calm and peaceful. The relationship with my Boy Scout keeps moving forward in a special way and my relationship with the Secret Keeper has taken a new, softer path. The Boy Scout continues to challenge me to communicate better, fight fairly and rebuild trust. Additionally, in a unique way all his own, he challenges my need to make everyone around me behave in a certain way so that I can feel safe. I have learned to keep my mouth shut on occasion....what a novel idea! The black and white has turned a little grayer. The Secret Keeper continues to teach me about forgiveness, empathy and the reconstruction of relationships. As he tries to rebuild a life for himself while battling a pretty severe mental illness, I learn to not take offense when feeling manipulated and, with some ease, love the man that still desires to be a good dad. Sometimes, if I feel that heavy weight on my chest that makes it hard to breath, ...

We must be true inside, true to ourselves, before we can know a truth that is outside us. But we can make ourselves true inside by manifesting the truth as we see it. ~Thomas Merton: No Man Is An Island~ Deceiving myself from the truth is so darn easy. It takes no effort what-so-ever because it is a default that was slowly built in so that I could survive in the world with the least amount of pain. I am learning that I can survive pain and that it is a necessary part of life that can promote wonderful qualities if allowed to do what it does best. Hardships can aid in the building of resilience, patience, empathy and forgiveness. Sadly, they can also make one bitter, angry, distrustful, avoid community, unable to be vulnerable and just plain sad. I’ve lived both ways. Finding out that it was my choice was astonishing. Changing the pattern has proved to be one of the harder things I have ever attempted. But the rewards are worth every ounce of effort I have inside of m...

What a difference a meeting can make. If you're not going, give it a try.  If it's not helping, try another. If you fall back, remember it's PROGRESS, NOT PERFECTION. I fell hard but I'm back at it, with an apology for my behavior and a little forgiveness for myself. Thanking my Al-Anon friends (that includes you Lolly) for reminding me there is another way. A better way.

Clearly it started young; my need to control what goes on around me. Unknowingly, a child makes a decision that affects ones entire life. An adaptation, an adjustment in the way one thinks that makes each day just a little bit more bearable.  Life is scary, so scary....everyday feels a little unsure and insecure.  A father walks out, without looking back. Food was scarce occasionally, house payments and rent were often late. Who can you count on, if not your father? One starts to build on that feeling, to find ways to cope, to make it feel better. I did that by thinking that no one is going to control me, that I would not count on anyone, be ultra independent. But in truth, the emotional needs were tremendous....so much so that the people around just could not measure up. Each person in my sphere needed to behave a certain way in order to make me feel OK. My poor Secret Keeper....already a people pleaser, already ill-adapted to a healthy emotional life, tried so hard. He re...