An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

 2 1/2 years have passed since I left everything I knew behind me.  Well, not everything. I brought along a Boy Scout, a Scruffy dog and the "stuff" that managed to be important enough to tow behind us.  This journey has been scary, challenging, wondrous, frustrating and, above all, life changing. Or should I say "Linda" changing. Ways I have changed: Fear is no longer the master of my life. It doesn't guide my choices, my relationships or anything else that it once lorded over. I learned for the very first time what unconditional love means. I have received it from a few people in my life but I did not know how to give it. Fear didn't allow it. Boy Scout has given it to me and, now, I am learning to return that gift. Loving him as he is. Joy entered. I look for it. Intentionally I seek it and find it regularly in little things. Even when life throws bumps, I eventually find my joy. Friendships. God how I had longed for friendships and how they eluded me. Th...

My gratitude practice has been foundational for changing the wiring in my brain. I started a journal a number of years back. I don’t go around saying I’m grateful for this or that, pronouncing, out loud, all the good that is happening. It’s not so surface. It’s more an embodiment of the things I love or the things I have not loved but have been used for good results despite the discomfort or imposition.  Gratitude redefines my reality and how I judge the unknown. The ups and downs are not so severe. It beckons me to stay in the moment, which I often do without having to give a lot of thought. It changes the focus away from the past and future. It eases the anxiety and softens the sadness. I no longer keep a daily journal, it’s just part of my heart, but I am not opposed to starting it back up if I need a realignment. Today I am grateful for hearing loss because it gives me some understanding and adds to compassion for those who have trouble communicating, for whatever reason. I am ...

The central question of a warriors training is not how we avoid uncertainty and fear, but how we relate to discomfort. How do we practice with difficulty, with our emotions, with the unpredictable encounters of an ordinary day? ~ Pema Chodron I love this quote. I am reading The Places That Scare You, by Pema Chodron. It has been helpful and very applicable for my life. I am not afraid to go outside, ride in a car or even of spiders and snakes. My fears are far more primal. I have deep fear of feeling out of control and of being deceived. Sometimes I have no idea that fear is what is controlling my behavior.  I eventually figure it out but, often times, it then requires the making of amends to the person or people involved. I have made great headway but the awareness puts the spotlight on something that I was once blissfully ignorant of. That means some good hard work, learning to trust myself, dropping expectations of others and having compassion for the tender ...

I am truly proud of how hard I worked to ensure, to the best of my ability, that my four children did not spend the rest of their lives angry at their father. It was not easy at first, as I was so angry and hurt,  but eventually I recognized that my deepest desire was that they did not have to be angry on my behalf. And as we went through the process of coming to terms with the situation, the five of us encouraged compassion and empathy within each other. I’d love to hear something that you are proud of. 

Life is kind of interesting.  I have been working "my program" to one degree or another for the last 2 1/2 years. There have been times when I thought it was a complete waste of time. When I would finish raging over something, anything.....I would be completely exhausted and filled with shame, guilt, remorse and, most importantly, self loathing. I blamed, coerced and shamed the ones around me too but, inside, it was a complete lack of self love. Don't get me wrong...in between those times I was a pretty decent person, caring for the welfare of others, loving, affectionate, and thoughtful. But those qualities could disappear rapidly when uneasiness or anxiety, that always lurked in the background, flared. Slowly, and I mean slowly, that has changed. I don't know when the tides started turning but they did. The raging has dissipated, the fears have lessened; I have a new perspective. There are times that my fearful thinking kicks in but now I am aware of it ...

With good boundaries you don't have to argue, fight or throw fits. Did you all know that?  DID YOU???? Did you already know that when people do things that feel hurtful or when they break their promises, you don't have to react, over-react or blow up? Why didn't I learn this? Good clear boundaries say "This behavior is unacceptable to me. I don't have to live like this" or "I will not engage." I've set a boundary that I am very proud of and very comfortable with. I am interested to see how it plays out. Will I stay true? Will I cave in? I am not sure as it is a new practice and I have no precedent for what comes next. What I have learned is that whether I stay true to my new boundary or whether I renegotiate...it's ok, I am OK. It will not mean I am a loser or weak. It will simply mean that I need to figure out, once again, how I feel, where I am going and how I am going to get there. I will treat myself like a little sister, ...

Office Christmas party tonight.  All I can say about that is that it is wonderful to be going and feeling normal. Last year the Boy Scout came with me but there was still a lot of pain from the previous couple of years and forgiveness remained a stumbling block. Forgiving the Secret Keeper, some of the people attending the party and, above all, myself. This year I do not have to worry about whether my partner will show up or how he will be acting when he does. I will not be sitting next to my spouse and wondering if anyone else in the room feels as confused and desperately lonely. Tonight I don't have to question if the rest of my life was going to remain exactly the same and if I could ever learn to be happy with the situation.  Now I know it was my job to be happy in spite of the situation. I had, with the help of a special friend, started on that journey even before the Secret Keeper left but I had quite a ways to go. Resentments took up too much space in my head. Th...

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Acceptance time has arrived. I will do what I have to do to keep my insides at peace but I will not be joining them. I will continue to believe in and honor the people in my life who: Value diversity and recognize that it enriches us all Know that woman and girls are not objects to be used, fondled or leered at arbitrarily without respect for their person-hood. Understand that in this world, not everyone has been given the same opportunities. There are those who need our help. There are those who deserve our compassion. Recognize that healthcare is a basic need and that this country of ours is more than capable of providing it. I could go on but I won't. Peace to you too and have a wonderful day.

When I was going through the hardest time of my life, finding reasons to smile were difficult for me. Spending much time in fear, my focus was still in victim mode. I could not, for the life of me, see the good that might come from the situation.  During the harder times, one of the few things in my life that could make me smile and put my cares aside was this little nutball.  She had no agenda, no expectations and no pain that needed tending. She just loved me and put no demands on me except to be acknowledged and fed. I could manage that with very little effort when all else seemed so daunting. The situation has slowly settled over the last two years and much good has come from it. Yes, my marriage ended badly and the Secret Keeper, whom I love, struggles to hold on to his life, but the good things are many. A few things I am grateful for: 1.       A wonderful, loving partnership with the Boy Scout. 2.      ...

Like most moms, I adore my kids. I love them all the same and differently. I love how each of them move in the world, treating others with respect, caring and doing no harm.  They are adults and except for one of them, as is common in this economy, are still needing or taking advantage of the help I can give in order to take the next step in life. I am so good with that. Honestly, having the two of them home with me for the last two years was life saving. I'm not sure who has helped who more? Hopefully, I didn't hold on too tight but I cannot image going through what our family went through without them by my side. Many nights, just knowing there was someone else asleep in the house provided immeasurable comfort. It is not lost on me that it must have been so hard for them to watch me struggle to get back from zombie status to the world of the living; add on to that their own pain and the pain of watching their beloved father try to survive a mental illness that often...

I used to think that this slogan, But For The Grace of God, was demeaning. Almost a "God looked kindly at me but weren't so lucky" kind of mentality. It's taken on a new meaning now. It reminds me to check my ego and develop my empathy and compassion in a deeper, more effective way. It allows me to set aside my "go to" feelings of criticism, impatience, resentment and anger and requires me to think the situation through with a genuine interest in the other being as well as myself. If a wholehearted approach is used, everyone comes out the better. My first and, thus far, most treasured entry in the One Day at A Time book is this: My attitude toward another – whether drinking or not – can have untold influence on the life of my family. Perhaps, through long drinking years, I acquired the habit of tearing him down, showing my contempt for his actions, indignation at the neglect of obligations. I am responsible for the consequences of such attitudes. Ev...

Today, I am grateful for so many things that I could go on for way too long. I will pick a few of the tops.  My oldest, who works so hard at connecting, purposefully touching on subjects that she knows are or thinks may be important. This doesn't come naturally, so I applaud her continual effort to reach out on a deeper level. I also love her acceptance that self care is so necessary. My second, whose intellect astounds me, but whose view on life confuses me. I love the way he has stepped up and showed a surprising maturity. Additionally, he has had an enormous amount of patience for a ranting woman who is trying to do better in this crazy world. Third child, who I miss terribly but who I can count on for logical, practical dialog.  I miss our conversations on politics and current events and religion but I know he is where he needs to be. His steadfast loyalty is comforting. Finally, my baby, who is not a baby at all....her insights on what motivates peoples actions and reac...

I have a friend who has always carried summer in her heart. Has she had tough times? You betcha! Some really tough times. Did she let her situation steal her summer?  Not one iota. Things are wonderful for her right now. She has the love of a good man and a job that she enjoys, a beautiful home and healthy kids.  Is everything perfect? Of course not. But my friend has a summer that keeps her heart so warm that she sees the good, looks for the possibility, picks out the positive, never needs to gossip, and generally makes others want to be a part of her life. Unless, and I can't stress this enough, unless you resent her summer and want to continue to hang out in your winter. You begrudge her for her happiness because your situation is worse, right? As for me, I want, no....need, the summer in my life.  I need the warmth of knowing that there is always some good if you just look hard enough. According to a  T he Huffington Post article:  This Is Scientific...

I've decided that weekends are too long. How does one adjust from being a wife of 29 years to being alone? Slowly and compassionately I guess. Slowly, because it is hard to fill so many hours that once belonged to a married couple. Waking, planning and falling asleep alone. Movies, shopping, travel and beach clean-ups were once done with my partner.....now I'm looking for others to fill that spot or go alone or maybe try to go but then just sit in my car feeling anxious, eating a meal alone and then returning home. Work is a balm....time spent not thinking, just doing. Compassionately, because these feelings are okay, right?  I'm allowed to take this time to mourn what I have lost, grieve the hole my heart, adjust my dreams and try to move forward. Having a good cry when Carly Simon sings Coming Around Again and I go back in time when 4 or 5 of us danced around the house together, singing at the top of our voices, so happy.... and then I tell myself, "Th...