An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

A Journey Nikki Giovanni ,  1943 It’s a journey . . . that I propose . . . I am not the guide . . . nor technical assistant . . . I will be your fellow passenger . . . Though the rail has been ridden . . . winter clouds cover . . . autumn’s exuberant quilt . . . we must provide our own guide-posts . . . I have heard . . . from previous visitors . . . the road washes out sometimes . . . and passengers are compelled . . . to continue groping . . . or turn back . . . I am not afraid . . . I am not afraid . . . of rough spots . . . or lonely times . . . I don’t fear . . . the success of this endeavor . . . I am Ra . . . in a space . . . not to be discovered . . . but invented . . . I promise you nothing . . . I accept your promise . . . of the same we are simply riding . . . a wave . . . that may carry . . . or crash . . . It’s a journey . . . and I want . . . to go . . .

On my calendar is the recurring post, "This is the day my life started over". Today is it. Two years ago today I began a journey of a lifetime. I would deny it to no one or, at least, no one with their eyes as tightly closed as mine.  When I mentioned the calendar post to my oldest she was silent. I knew.....the entry brings on conflicting emotions for both of us. My life did start over, with a struggle, anger, heartache, fear and so much hard-assed work....more work than I've ever done before. But as hard as I've worked to get to this point in my journey, it seems paltry compared to the work the Secret Keeper has to put in daily just to keep walking on this planet. I cannot change that but feel it's necessary to mention it as I cannot be grateful for where I am without recognizing the cost and it's implications on those around me. There is still far to go to real healing and serenity but I went through some fire and have come out on the other-side bette...

How do I identify myself?  The subject of the sermon on Sunday hit home in a meaningful way. One thing I realized after listening to the message was that my self-identification is fluid, changing from situation to situation. Perhaps not as much as it once did but I still put on many different hats during any 24 hour period. When asked who I am, I would say; mother, daughter, lover, child of God, orphan, sister, friend, pet lover, business owner. When asked what I am like, I would say; introvert, searcher, fairly open minded, loyal, willing to hear both sides, loving, tender, honest, empathetic........additionally, I am; fearful, manipulative, hotheaded, sharp tongued, quick to anger, dirty fighter, jealous, anxious and did I mention fearful? I was challenged to figure out if the way I define myself is lasting and healthy. By keeping my Higher Power at the forefront, being a child of God first, I allow myself to be so much better at the other things. I can love more freel...

Early morning praising and thanking and mediation starts the day out perfectly.  Whether life is running smoothly or if the road is rocky and hard, my day is always better if I ground myself, first thing, in gratitude. The mornings I forget, or those mornings where I am in so much turmoil that I just don't, lack something special. Clarity and a joyfulness that comes by just being authentically grateful for the life I have been given is missing. As I make my thankful list, I try hard to not constantly list the obvious......I am consistently grateful for each of my children and the roof over my head. The comfortable bed I am laying in is often the first on the list. I love my bed, with its abundance of pillows cushioning my curves and pointy places and my aches and pains. After that, I try to be aware of the many things I take for granted...my yard with its crazy array of palms and ferns and tropical this and that, my garage that was suitable enough to house my oldest boy ...

Learning about yourself and who you are is truly a step-by-step process, one day at a time. It is a journey of self-discovery against the backdrop of grieving the end of a marriage. There will be moments of excitement and joy contrasted with moments of deep sadness over the letting go of a life that is no more ~J Daniels As I walk this journey and as I feel that I might be coming out on the other side, no truer words have been spoken than the ones above. All the emotions had to be felt, all the tears had to be shed. J. Daniels shared this little spark of wisdom but she shared so much more with me. She slowly and tenderly showed me how to reach, deep within, and find something more than that person I had crafted to fit into the crazy life I had been given. She gave me the hope of a better tomorrow and helped reveal a person who loved life, who was not always filled with fear and who found wonder in connecting with new people. I can now love more abundantly than I ev...

Woke up feeling so grateful that it brought tears to my eyes. This journey has been long and drawn out and, at the same time, lightning fast. So, quickly I  made a list which I try to do daily. It looked something like this. I am so freaking thankful for; My God for having mercy on this flawed lady. Abundantly blessing me way beyond what I deserve. My mentee, who turned out to be the mentor. Only God knew how much I needed a recovered, hard of hearing, addict to help me through. A tiny old house to call my own....it whispered to me over a year ago.  Who knew we would reconnect. My sib's who, despite the fact that we are getting way too old to do it, show up to move, lift, carry and love me through the second move in 5 weeks. Kid 1,2,3 and 4, who make my heart soar. My dearest friend, who would rather sit in dog poop than.......oh wait, I probably shouldn't say but we had the best laugh over it. Trust me! My sponsor, who listens and loves me. She understands wha...