An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

The gift of weathering a long winter has arrived. The sun, early in its daily journey, is warming my body and lifting my thoughts to splendid things like energy, strength and gratefulness. The morning is new and I thought I would get some work done in the yard, hopefully not disturbing my friendly neighbors (the unfriendly ones, likely Lenny, a racist jackass, I could care less). So I will shovel quietly and try to beat the heat that is on its way. I am trying to repair and convert the sprinklers to a drip system. So far, the previous installer has stymied my efforts but I remain steadfast in my task. Broken pipes need repair first then drips come next.   Best get on with the job.  Happy Sunday!  Hope you have great weather too🥰 As you can see, the ferns are suffering from lack of consistent watering The azaleas and rhododendrons are ok but won’t be if I don’t get water to them soon 🥺❣️

I read articles/books of  remaking myself, finding new dreams and taking control of my destiny. I hear about stories of finding passion, harnessing my creativity and networking to my advantage. Then I am reminded that, for the most part, those prompts, those motivational speeches, those challenges for meaningful change are not directed at me. Just a short time ago, just a blink of an eye ago, I was the proper audience. In marketing terms, "the target demographic". Since then, I slipped without knowing it. There was a tectonic shift that I failed to notice. The advantage of youth is gone. There are days when it shocks me. All I really need is a good face lift and a new set of ears so that the woman I see in the mirror accurately reflects the woman that lives in my heart. No, no, I have no intention of getting a facelift. Even if I had money I wouldn't do that. I just fully understand why so many women do. It certainly is a kind of investment in ones future earning ability,...

 I’ve cleaned up the mess left by her “non-accountant” hubby who was fired from his last job for stealing and who did her books for two years while embezzled over $100K (oddly enough, he was the one who trained me). I brought everything up to date and reconciled all un-reconciled accounts. Now the writing is on the wall. I’ll be lucky to get 10 hours of work from this company. My budget was already tight but this is untenable.   I know I need to look for another job but I am disheartened and down. The last round of looking took forever and left me feeling about two inches tall. Two of the jobs I was offered are still looking for someone to fill their position. That tells me what I suspected in the first place. Over work or bad atmosphere, but when the pay looks too good, it almost always is.  I’ll be 59 in a few weeks. My hearing continues to degrade. The wrinkles are far deeper now than they were before this journey began just 1 1/2 years ago. Each passing week I become ...

Once again I am faced with changing my dreams, adjusting my hopes and expectations. I had wanted to see the world, travel, experience new cultures, walk the Camino, see the Northern lights. I am trying to surrender, let go, breathe and let the universe take care of it all. Tired of buying into what our society says is successful or desirable and then having it tell me, “Not for you chica.” My lifelong quest for security and feeling safe has been misguided, it has not served me well. My sense of self was far too based on a job well done, a generous income and planning for the future. I want to adjust my sails but I don’t know a thing about sailing.  Finding a new tribe, simplifying my life,  paring down what I want or would like from the world.  A new journey but in need of a willing heart. 

Business is very slow and I don't feel confident that my contract will be renewed next year. I am, therefore, for the first time in 35 years, applying for jobs. At 57 this is a humbling experience. I am very qualified for most accounting positions, except those requiring CPA or bachelor degrees. I got my degree in the school of life and done OK for myself. Back to the humbling part......each time I send out the resume there is a part of me that wishes I could condense my work experience into a shorter timeframe but I can't get away from the fact that my first Payroll job was in 1985. Having sent out at least 25 resumes, thus far this is what I have heard........ Ah well, not completely unexpected. I forge forward.....I've got a number of good earning years in front of me. I need something to fill more of my time. I'd really like to be socking away a little bit of dough for retirement. Mostly, I'd love a little help paying my $1000.00 per month health insurance bill...

I rent a small office in a building that houses a total of 50 offices of various sizes. It also included a fully equipped kitchen, a small gym and a number of bathrooms. I've grown to like it. The rent is reasonable, a cleaning crew cleans nightly and it is maintain pretty well. Being an early riser, I get to work anywhere from 5:00 to 6:00 am. It's kind of lovely as this place is absolutely dead quiet when I arrive. No bleary eyed good mornings or grumpy grunts, just little ole me. What surprises me is that after I have been here 3 hours, I can go walk around and realized that it is still empty! People don't come to work at 8:00 here. They start trickling in around 9:00 and the parking lot is full by 10:00. I love getting in, getting out and getting on with my day or early evening. Not so much the people I co-toil with. They more meander. Are you a get-it-done and go type, or do you meander?

Work has been in flux for far too long. These days, I find myself in more work related meetings than I want to be doing and the frustration builds on so many levels. First of all, they are phone meetings with multiple people. Under normal circumstance that has its own issues but with severe hearing loss I find that my body hates the meetings even more than I do. More often than not, I get off the phone and just sit and cry. Perhaps to release the tension of the challenges of the meeting, keeping up on current technology and jargon, etc. But also because as time goes on, I struggle more and more to distinguish what is being said and by whom. By the time I hang up, my body is so tense that I am forgetting to breathe. Pushing the red button on my iPhone, I rip the damn earbuds out, take a deep breathe and sob for just a little while. It's ok. I don't beat myself up for it. I am not being dramatic or immature, I am releasing frustration, stress and accepting that ...

I've mentioned previously about some problems at work.   A couple of millenials have been reinventing the wheel, picking my brain for all they could (having never once run marketing program like mine) and moved forward with their program that seem to exclude my involvement. They have left me hanging, unsure of where I stand and, now, have gone on their merry way with the job that I have been doing for the past 30 years. I have been in turmoil for months.  The company they have hired to do their physical work, called me for some advice, and, while we were talking, this guy, who has been in the business for decades, says to me, "May I be blunt? This plan of theirs simply does not make sense for what they are doing. It would be perfect if you were selling Ferraris or fine jewelry but you are not. You are asking for people to donate their household goods."  VINDICATION!!! I've been saying it for months. These young men, who think they are smarter than everyone el...

I love being in business. I love that my business has flourished over the years and that it has allowed me to grow, be challenged and have tremendous flexibility. I enjoy what I do for the most part but am not a believer in the whole "We must love and be passionate about what we do to be successful" idea. I think that is similar to the BIG lie they taught us girls in the 70's and 80's....that we could have it all. We couldn't have it all. Most of us got by just barely and dealt with the guilt of knowing that we could have done some of it...the housework, job, raising kids and being a partner....much better if only we weren't spread as thin as a rail. I am not "passionate" about my job but I am responsible and do it well. All that being said, I get tired. I get tired of being responsible for just about everything, for every decision, for the future. Today I am tired. That's today and tomorrow will be better. Do you ever get tired of...