An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

I have to laugh at myself just a little. At the audacity of thinking I would need to choose one job over the other. At my subtle judgment of the people who would, of course, see that I could do the job effectively and efficiently. A shoe in.  As it turns out, another candidate was chosen…..for both jobs. I remain nearly 60, nearly deaf and jobless.  Last night I had to process. Process what I felt, where it hurt and what I was going to do with it.  In the past, what I did was either to turn it on someone else (usually whoever is closest) or inward at myself, or both. It has been second nature to tell myself how unworthy, how ignorant or that I am an imposter.  Truthfully, it took me a good 6 or 7 hours to work through it. I realized I felt seething anger. How I wanted to punch the wall. The thought of job hunting in a cast prevented that. Not angry at anyone in particular (or at least not anyone who deserved it) but more at the situation, feeling impudent, insignific...

Did you learn how to fight? Not physical fighting....the healthy kind. Did someone teach you that you can disagree, be angry or hurt and what to do with those feelings? I never learned that. I am learning now, at 55, to deal with those feelings but it is not easy. When my partner does something that angers or hurts me, I tend to punish and threaten to banish instead to sitting down and explaining how much his actions hurt or angers me. I can be reactionary. It's not all that pleasant for me and I can imagine that it is not at all pleasant for him. But I am aware and I am working on it because I want to be a good partner but, mostly, I just want to be a good me with a ton more peace. So, did you learn how to fight? Do you React or Respond? Do you stick up for yourself or do you take on someone else's anger just to placate and diffuse the situation?

I am doing a couple of Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings a week now. It is so inspiring for me to hear the stories and relate to the feelings expressed and realize that I have a community. There are other people that have to fight the need to control and to try to force others, through various behaviors, to ease the uncomfortable emotions they may be feeling. There are other people that are afraid to feel certain emotions like hurt, shame and uncertainty and that fear presents itself in far more hurtful or counterproductive ways than actually dealing with the feelings. People can be so damaged by their families even if their families are/were not aware. I think of a few of my blogging friends and of some of the people in my meetings that are fighting, tooth and nail, to break out of that shit they were handed as little children and rise above to a more beautiful and peace filled place and I am in awe of them. By comparison I didn't have it too bad but I am aware that that is...

"Forgiveness is one of the really difficult things in life. The logic of receiving hurt seems to run in the direction of never forgetting either the hurt or the hurter. When you forgive, some deeper, divine generosity takes over. When you can forgive, then you are free. When you cannot forgive, you are a prisoner of the hurt done to you. If you are really disappointed in someone and you become embittered, you become incarcerated inside that feeling. Only the grace of for giveness can break the straight logic of hurt and embitterment. It gives you a way out, because it places the conflict on a completely different level. In a strange way, it keeps the whole conflict human. You begin to see and understand the conditions, circumstances, or weakness that made the other person act as they did." ~J O'Donohue Isn't that lovely?  I find I am able to offer it up to many but withhold it from the one that holds my heart in his hands. I am able to be generous with it...

What a perfect weekend!  Saturday golf with a new friend in beautiful Southern California (mid 80's and a light breeze), an art showing right after and a easy Sunday with the farmers market, a little companionable yard work, a fabulous dinner and a Broncos game to top it off. As I am writing this, it is not lost on me that just two 1/2 years ago I was living in utter chaos. I felt trapped, angry and sad most of the time. What a difference a year or two makes. I have to tell you though, it is not just the Boy Scout that has made the difference. He is amazing and I feel incredibly blessed to have him in my life but he did not cause the change. I would not be able to enjoy any of this new life without putting in a lot of hard work in Al-Anon and counseling. The hardest part of remaking my life has been a day in and day out attempt at changing default thinking. The natural tilt I had developed to the negative...the underlying anger and hurt that controlled the way I reacted ...

There is so much beauty in this world, it amazes me. We get to choose how we walk through life; we get to decide if our eyes are opened or if we shut them tight in a futile attempt to protect ourselves from the pain the world throws our way. The "shutting of our eyes" may mean something different to me than it would to someone else. Pour moi, it means lashing out at what might hurt me, what scares me. If you are smart you won't get in the way. The other night I made a mistake of striking instead of conversing. I hate it when I do that...I HATE IT WHEN I DO THAT. My counselor talks about giving myself a time out to figure out why my reaction is so intense. Whether is stems from being abandoned by my alcoholic father or, perhaps, still dealing with the ugly demise of my marriage...I'm suppose to figure that out before engaging. I'm not that evolved yet but I am working on it. Later on, I was able to just talk, unemotionally and with logic, about the issue. I o...

I chose a different route on Sunday.   Something happened that normally would have been a big blow up. I would have taken it personally, been hurt and reacted poorly. Instead, I went ahead with my plans, did what I needed to do and let the chips fall where they may. It was fantastic to stay in control, in the moment...not borrowing from other hurts to pile on top, not letting the situation tell me that I was not enough. I am enough....enough for me.   The response allowed me to be persuasive in the ensuing dialog, so that the focus was on what happened and did not become my poor behavior; this has been know to happen from time to time. In addition, shaming was not a part of the conversation (I can be fairly good at shaming).  What an incredible victory for me to not yell, cry, withdraw or manipulate. And in the end, the discussion was short-lived and the day was not wasted. Trying to remember that this is not a practice run...it's time to live my life to ...

The fight caught me by surprise. My youngest and I get along very well. We communicate and recreate and, in general, enjoy each others company. She's low maintenance and sweet. When I discovered, that at 19, she got a tattoo, the range of emotions I felt stunned me. Instead of stepping back and trying to understand those emotions, I lashed out and said things I should not have. Taking something personal that had nothing to do with me. NOT IN MY HULA HOOP.  But it did not feel that way.. I was just plain old HURT. Hurt that she didn't tell me, that she didn't give me the chance to react well, that she shared the experience with someone else, that she chose to tattoo our old address, the home that I loved but had to leave, on her body when it holds so much pain for me, sad that she marked her body forever, etc etc etc. And it made me fear (my old friend) that I didn't know her nearly as well as I thought, at my lack of control. What else is she hiding from me? ...

I realized today that I'm pretty happy. How easy it would have been to be the angriest person around. How simple it would have been to step back into that victim role that I wore for such a long time. Be that woman, set out to destroy the one who has hurt me and drag my poor children along the way. No wonder I had trouble making and keeping friends all these years. Completely unaware that I was a victim but there I was, feeling sorry for myself, focusing on problems in my path instead of the blessings.  When did that all start? I'm not exactly sure but I think it was very young. I remember being hyper sensitive and getting hurt by small things people said or did. Still now, little incidents from age 2 or 4 sting just a little. How odd that seems. Then, in my teens, when my life felt so out of control. That's when the real craziness started but once again I was clueless. In fact, I thought I was being strong. I got that chip on my shoulder, nobody was going t...

Walking my road to recovery, I am learning so much about others and about myself. What a surprise to learn that I can be held hostage in a lonely, ugly place by my own thoughts. Believing that those thoughts were actually me; the person I am. Now, I realize that I have some control over those thoughts. By analyzing, considering, wrestling with that voice in my head, I can change those previously held beliefs and those destructive thoughts that were, so often, self sabotaging. “There is nothing more important to true growth than realizing that you are not the voice of the mind - you are the one who hears it.”  ―  Michael A. Singer ,  The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself Does everyone else just know these things and I am a later in life bloomer? Ah well, better late than never. With each day that passes, this new way of thinking allows another measure of acceptance. Acceptance of this situation I am in,  acceptance  of a sick man wh...