An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

The Boy Scout finished reading the World According to Garp to me and I enjoyed it tremendously. What a writer! I can't pick out any particular sentences, or point to a paragraph that I think was a masterpiece, but I was amazed at the depth in which Irving could make me feel. One minute such grief that a couple of times I had to ask him to stop reading, then dread and disappointment with the characters, and then with such hilarity that the Boy Scout was unable to read through the spasms of laughter and tears rolling down his face. Irving seems to love his characters but allows them to be so very human. Cannot wait to start A Prayer for Owen Meany but we thought we would mix it up a bit. Now we are navigating Peace Like a River by Leif Enger. Thus far, I am finding it to be subtle and quiet with a poinency that aches. Family, love, revenge and faith.....the writing is simply lovely. “Once in my life I knew a grief so hard I could actually hear it inside, scraping at the ...

WORD FOR THE DAY Strength means...acknowledging each of those feelings, your questions and ideas and faith and terror, and meeting what comes with the full force of your heart. BRENDA SHAUGHNESSY When experiencing unpleasant feelings, I would shove, squelch or rage. Mostly rage. Those feelings COULDN'T BE FELT! I would blame the people who were involved in creating those feelings inside instead of dealing with them. There were times that it seemed as if I would die. I know that sounds melodramatic but now I know anxiety and panic can tell my brain lies. I still don't like them and I still don't always act appropriately but I am now more aware and I am doing much better than last year. last month and even yesterday. I am starting to feel the pain of fear and betrayal, grief and sadness and not run around like a crazy woman trying desperately to FIX IT. Do you feel freely or do you avoid and, if so, how do you avoid?

A long overdue letter to my children, I have had the privilege of being called a mother for a little over 29 years. It is, in my humble opinion, the hardest, most wondrous title a person could ever achieve. The gains have far and above outweighed any losses. I suppose the losses might be considered the time and emotional effort put into the job, but even those things have had their bonuses; molding me into a kinder, more patient and more empathetic human. How lucky I am, to have made so many mistakes, yet still be loved, honored and cared for by each of you. I often lament about how much I miss my mother and her unconditional love...silly me...I have that from each of the 4 of you. Not exactly the same but beautifully crafted to allow many of the same feelings only, perhaps, with a bigger sense of responsibility on my part. Feeling like I don't want to burden you with my problems, knowing each of you has your own burden to carry. The normal issues that people your age ...

IN THE LAST TWO YEARS I: Sold my home Moved twice Bought a house Slept alone Ended my marriage Fell in love Let go of all my children Installed a garbage disposal and light fixture Gave up a dream Learned to forgive Found a church home Developed empathy Became a better friend I STILL NEED TO: Heal my soul Learn to trust Let go of fear Walk closer to God Be a better friend Have faith that it'll all be OK

Sunday was a great day at church. The latest series is basically about bridging the gap between science and faith and how we, as Christians, can reconcile both. Challenging and thought provoking. We have grown to love this little church in a way that has surprised and delighted. Having done the rounds to quite a few churches in town, the first time we visited here the pastor was starting a series that basically addressed many of the questions that I have had my entire adult Christian life. The questions that always made me feel like an outsider when the other ladies in the room were taking-in the information like grape kool-aid (ok, ok....not a nice way to put it). Since then, we've never looked back...this is home. The pastor, Bob, is highly intelligent and well read and is able to assemble a difficult message in an approachable manner. Often times, when the Boy Scout and I leave the building, we look at each other with a great big WOW! Feeling grateful for this new c...

As I went back over my blog, I noticed a definite theme. Working my program, failing to work my program, working my program, failing to work my program. Looking at the big picture, I know what the problem is. I have faith in God, I know that I was created by God and that he cares for me but the fact of the matter is that God is really busy and might overlook a situation that is important to me. Lack of faith. FEAR. Fear still rules in my life at times. And, truthfully, though I want it to change, I'm not too hard on myself. I learned to survive with fear and there were times that it probably served me well; protected me. A lifetime of behavior does not change over night. Sadly, I can still call up reasons to fear; like when loved ones are behaving in self destructive ways or when they are hurting me with words or actions. Those are the times I need to give it up to God.  Where is the line in the sand though? Where do we say "God I give this to you" or "Fu...

When being grateful outweighs the pain, you know you will recover. You know you can love and laugh and live a life with purpose. The weight of anger and pain and, dare I say, hatred is considerable, so burdensome. At times, the need to feel justified, validated by onlookers, perhaps even pitied (guilty as charged) can keep you in that horrible place.  But life moves forward. If you are wise or if you have someone around that helps you open your eyes or if you can somehow see how much damage it does to your heart and to the ones that love you, you can try to drag yourself up. Some people forgive so easy. I am not that person. But I've got a God that wants so much more for me than anger and spite. He has begun the softening of my rough edges and pointed out those areas that need work. Some that I knew of but held onto like an treasured family heirloom and some I simply was not conscious of. Our families of origin helped form the people we are; good, bad or otherwise. I li...