An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

Been busy.  I've painted two full rooms, including closets (ugh), cleared a slow moving drain with a hand auger, mounted a TV to the wall in the living room, emptied boxes galore and organized and tidied till my body yelled surrender at the end of each day. The Boy Scout worked just as hard but out in the garage and yard. The best thing we did was host a guest. My youngest came to visit and it was fantastic. I loved being with her and just having her near. This little peanut of a girl takes up so much of my heart. Can't wait to see the rest of the family.  Had dinner with some new friends that I am quickly falling in love with. Married 64 years and still kind to each other, Winnie and Andrew are just lovely people, and just by coincidence, they spent 20 years in Ojai before retiring as a superintendent of schools and a teacher. Ojai is one city over from the home we just left. The Boy Scout worked up there the last couple of years and we frequented the local public golf course...

I've used this blog as a sort of therapy, to work out pain and find peace.  I am well on my way.  You, my blogging friends, have opened my eyes, allowed my to see a piece of your world and shared your struggles too. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you all for reading, commenting and for blogging. Happy holidays, Merry Christmas, Chag Sameach, Happy Kwanzaa....if I missed anyone it is not for lack of caring but rather than lack of being informed. Happy, Happy, Happy!!!! STILL MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY VIDEO♥ I'M A SUCKER FOR A GOOD FLASH MOB NOT CHRISTMAS MUSIC BUT IT'LL DO AND MY FAVORITE FLASH MOB 

My boy is home! Here for a few days visit and I am ecstatic. He informed me just before the flight that he had a little surprise. My selfish self slightly hoped that they were pregnant...just a little. I am admitting this with a little reluctance and a dollop of shame. Instead, my boy (who is not a boy) got a really good promotion within his company and I am very happy for him. I knew it was not their time. I knew that it was purely self centered and that they will have kids when it is the best time for them and I, as I love him with all my heart, would desire nothing else at all. It was a fleeting feeling and now it is gone and I am just happy that he is happy, that they are flourishing and living their lives purposefully. So now, I am free to enjoy 2 1/2 days of contentedness and being fully present.  Enjoy your weekend.

Great news! Remember our adoptive horses? The ones that lived along hole #5 on our golf course.  Well we found out that our horses are safe and sound. Moved to another area of the ranch. What a relief as we were fairly convinced they had been destroyed.  These guys belong to Thacher School. It's a $60k a year high school that supplies a horse to every student. Perhaps our guys were taking a year off.  I got in touch with the head of the schools "horse program", a cowboy named Cam, and he assured me that Whitey, Big Knee, Stumpy and Brownie 1-5 are doing well.  Happy day indeed.  

Friday night the Boy Scout and I went to a foreign flick. Me, Estas Matando Susana, (You're Killing Me Susana) was a fairly average Rom Com but the stars were sure cuties. Gael Garcia Bernal is adorable and Veronica Echequi is lovely. But the highlight of the night was not the movie. Winnie and Sophie On our way home, on a busy but dark road that connects Ventura to Oxnard and is surrounded by farmland, we were stopped at a large intersection and spotted a dog running into the busy road. I opened my door and called her.  To my surprise, she did not even hesitate. She jumped in, moved to the back seat and pretty quickly laid herself down and fell asleep. The Boy Scout crooned his lovely voice at her but he didn't really need to. She was content.  On getting home, this very young full bred Boxer was nervous but not overly. Turned out that she and my Frenchie got along OK...always a plus. This girl is young, has had at least one litter of pups and is well trained. W...

It's another beautiful day in Southern California.   I ran into an old friend. We were "bench buddies" when our kids were small. We would meet before school got out and chat until the kids showed up. During that period of time of our lives, her husband, who had been a married couples co-leader with her in church, had an affair and had decided he needed to leave her and the kids in order to start a new life and be "happy". I remember at the time, I gave her advice from the small child in me who had deeply desired to have a relationship with my father. I suggested that the best thing she could do for her little ones was to, somehow, learn how to be civil with her ex and his new wife (who just happened to be their pastor’s unmarried daughter). I didn’t say forgive or become friends as those were concepts beyond my ability to fathom.  My friend ended up losing her marriage, her church home and a number of friends but she followed my advice. Since then, as ...

WORD FOR THE DAY Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rains will come again. SARAH BAN BREATHNAC One of the “sayings” in Al-Anon is about expectations. What I gather when they say “ Expectations are premeditated resentments ” is that when we are dealing with our “qualifiers” or any of the people in our lives, it is very good to learn not to expect anything.  The Bard of Avon himself said, “Expectation is the root of all heartache”. I’m not one to argue with Shakespeare but… I do believe that we should always hold onto the knowledge that the when dealing with our own hearts, our own attitudes, that we have a choice. I expect to be in a better place a year from now. I have the tools; I have been putting in the hard work, been trying and failing and trying again. It’s such a bummer because when I fail, others can point that out as “the problem” and neglect to look at...

Do you want to be angry or do you want to be happy. The two cannot go hand in hand but both are a choice.  Are you pissed off sitting in traffic? You have a choice. Are you mad at someone being inconsiderate? That's a choice too. Learning to respond instead of react is helpful but much harder than it sounds, especially if that has been a default for most of your life. My default at even small conflicts has been to fight or run away for as long as I can remember. That was all I knew.  There are so many good reasons to control anger. Yes, it is an  obstacle to happiness , but also  damages relationships , loses jobs, can result in people or property getting hurt and, in the end, anger will hurt you too.  Taking a breath, a time out or whatever you need to stop the initial reaction and allow your thoughts to follow things through to the end. What exactly to do you want the outcome to be? Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? Do you ...

I used to be a hard core sleeper. I could sleep through absolutely anything! Earthquakes, power tools, kids parties, etc.  The funny thing though, I never slept through my babies crying. I was a nursing mom for a lot of that time and I would wake at the first peep. The sleeping brain is so very interesting. Now-a-days, as I've shared before, sleep is a toughie. Many nights I will wake around 3:00 or 3:30 and be done...occasionally falling back down at 5ish. I've learned not to freak out about it, trusting that if not tomorrow night, then maybe the night after, I will sleep. I can get a little tweaked when it is the fault of someone else but otherwise I just try to quiet my brain and relax. Some YouTube videos have helped me get a little more balance and taught me how to relax when my brain will not cooperate. I listen to the following:       https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46dYmKYpnGY       https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L12_GAi2...

Had a wonderful weekend in Huntington Beach CA. The weather was gorgeous and, for the most part, the weekend was smooth sailing. Just have to say how grateful I feel for the shortening duration of the "episodes" that were once a very prominent part of my life. By episodes I mean the time I spent in rage or anger due to the random events that triggered that fear inside of me.  Now it is clear that it was just a voice inside of me saying, "You are NOT enough, you are NOT and will never be enough". Grateful for the knowledge that it  is not true....I am OK. So many people walk this earth being the victim, resenting others for things that they, themselves were responsible for, expecting others to make them happy. They are blind to their own mistakes and shortcomings because it is so much easier to say someone else did it. The 4th and 5th Steps of Al-Anon were the catalyst for drastic changes in my life. They allowed my to take personal stock, forgive my transg...

It's the job of each person to take their life lessons and turn them into good. I was failing at that for a little while. Being angry prevents froward movement. Forgiveness for myself and for others was the key to getting rid of the anger and getting on with a more healthy, happy life. The fourth and fifth step, a fearless moral inventory shared with God and another human being, was the catalyst for the forgiveness. If your struggling, consider it. Keep an open mind and give it a try. Another part of the healing is learning to stop playing mind and word games to achieve the ultimate goal -   Feeling OK . Learning to be able to recognize and express how I am feeling has been invaluable. Hurting doesn't have to turn to rage (although, unfortunately, it still does at times). Fear shouldn't end up in an argument over something unrelated.  Being able to say what I mean and mean what I say makes a big difference in my daily walk. This morning at the golf course was ...

Super Bowl Sunday.....I was dreading this day more than I can say. I did my self talk, got support from my sister and daughters and changed my attitude but as we drove up to the house my anxiety rose. A huge party with not one person I knew except the Boy Scout was hard. In the best of times, even with people I know, I wouldn't normally accept the invite with that size group.  But the man was super excited (people he loves and his very own Broncos) and my heart desires to please him, so off to the party I went. As we parked, I may have melted down just a bit (or a bit more), but he calmly and quietly talked to me and I mustered my courage. With a promise from the man to not leave me alone without "permission", we entered and I tried to stop thinking about my discomfort and focused on trying to remember names and being friendly and loving the Boy Scout. Not too bad! Still would have rather stayed home but everyone was pretty friendly. It was fun to watch my man in h...

What could be better than to spend the day with really nice people, perfect weather, on a gorgeous golf course and some good food? Feeling grateful for the ability to move forward with my life and to experience new and wonderful things. My golf game was disappointing but, honestly, it would not have mattered if I had whiffed every ball...I was living in the moment and could not have been much happier than I was. We started at 10:00 with a warm up. The 5 of us on our team, 3 of whom I have been friends with for about 30 years, played our 18 holes. Afterwards, we joined up with the two other teams and all the spouses and the winning team was awarded the trophy. The conversation was light and engaging. Finally we enjoyed a nice dinner and watched the sunset in shades of red and brilliant orange over the beautiful mountains we call home. Grateful seems a small word today. As the stress of the holidays infringes on my peace, my goal is to hold onto what is truly important...the pe...

We were married on my 22nd birthday. We opted for that day because our first date was on my 17th birthday and felt it was meant to be. We were young and happy and looking forward to a bright future.  The story didn't go the way I had planned but that's what I get for thinking I was allowed to decide how my story should go. What an ego!!! Since my "story" involves so many other people, how presumptuous of me.  I have learned that the important thing is becoming a happy person and allowing life to happen, only intervening when boundaries are breached or when someone I love asks me for help. It may seem like I'm not playing an active role in my life but not true. When I am working my program and doing what I need to do, excellent boundaries count for so much. They allow me to say "No" and "This is not working for me" and "This is what I need from you" without expecting someone to read my mind and with the expectation that I will do ...

I realized today that I'm pretty happy. How easy it would have been to be the angriest person around. How simple it would have been to step back into that victim role that I wore for such a long time. Be that woman, set out to destroy the one who has hurt me and drag my poor children along the way. No wonder I had trouble making and keeping friends all these years. Completely unaware that I was a victim but there I was, feeling sorry for myself, focusing on problems in my path instead of the blessings.  When did that all start? I'm not exactly sure but I think it was very young. I remember being hyper sensitive and getting hurt by small things people said or did. Still now, little incidents from age 2 or 4 sting just a little. How odd that seems. Then, in my teens, when my life felt so out of control. That's when the real craziness started but once again I was clueless. In fact, I thought I was being strong. I got that chip on my shoulder, nobody was going t...