An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

It can be hard to put my whole self out there. It can be hard to know who I am in some situations.  When someone from the past asks about child #3, they will say things like, How is Prescott doing? How’s he liking England or Portland or his work etc. When that happens now, because everyone important or close has been told, I have to dig deep. Who am I in this situation? Do I just say, “SHE”, and go on with the conversation as if it is nothing big? It is big! Do I smile wide and say “oh, she’s in the process of transitioning”, without going into anything else. Do I let them ask questions? Do I know how to answer? This is her personal journey. I am a bystander, a caring one, but bystander just the same. Do I avoid the subject completely and just be careful with pronouns so that I am not disloyal. If I am avoiding, am I being disloyal? Maybe they haven’t earned the right to hear her story. There is a protective defensiveness that I have to be aware of too. My feelings are still comple...

The first time I truly grieved is when I lost my mother. I recognized and allowed that grief to wash over me, to sit with it. Still today, it brings a tightening of the muscles that allow the breath into my lungs, not like it once did, but as a reminder that we do not lose dear ones without them taking a piece of us with them as they go. As if our beloved takes a reminder or a token with them, to hold on to when they need verification that their time here was not a waste. A piece of our heart might bring them comfort in our separation. I had experienced loss before that year, of course I had, but our family was not learned in the ways of feeling hard emotions. A person needs to be taught how to feel. I learned to react and harbor anger but the other things just sat there, ignored instead of processed and allowed. Anger and I have been well acquainted over the years but anger, and mere happiness, are hollow echoes in comparison to the complexities of real feeling like joy and pain, peac...

They say that leopards don't change their spots but sometimes they do. If you've been following me awhile, you know that the Boy Scout and I have had quite a few ups and downs. No blame.....we chose each other to fill the emptiness and unmet needs that we were mostly unaware of. We fit the old molds quite well. I am probably more like his mother than he would like to admit and in ways that he is not aware of and he definitely has some of my fathers qualities, some good and some not so good. I got into Adult Children of Alcoholics and tried to heal but, honestly, it was extremely hard when the Boy Scout pushed all the right buttons consciously and subconsciously. The right buttons, unfortunately, produced rage and victimhood (I had to do a lot of work to recognize that). One day he realized that he might be helped too and off to ACA he went. That was the start of the new beginning. It has taken a long time and there is a long way to go but this man, who wore a Tommy Suit that co...

I wasn't taught how to express anger or how to own my feelings. In fact, I remember being quieted or dismissed. I heard "Don't be silly" a lot. I am learning now. The other day, while golfing, the Boy Scout brought the golf cart up from behind me quite speedy and kind of close. If one is a hearing person, your hearing would have warned you that a golf cart was coming up from your left side and getting closer. If you are HOH, your brain is somewhere else because it is not concerned with anything except the really good chip shot onto the green. The cart sweeping by startled me.  Now I don't startle well. Don't surprise me, don't jump out, don't make loud noises expecting me to get a kick out it or hoping for a good laugh. You will be disappointed. The best you will get is a disgruntled woman. The worst.....a good tongue lashing. I said to the man, "Don't do that please, it scares me." He got out of the cart and said, basically, that while h...

  What scares us about being sad? You know what I mean. It comes from the most unexpected places. It lurks in the corners of the mind. It's like an ominous shadow, without a place of origin, without the knowing of where it begins. Do you run from it? I often do. I've said before that I frequently get that feeling when entering a hardware store (of all places). There are times I just leave without accomplishing my task. I abandon my quest for relief. But sadness is just a feeling. And to feel it is just human. It has no power. I want to learn to accept sadness without judgement, feeling it fully and allowing it to subside on its own. There are emotions that feel uncomfortable to sit with, but sit with we must do. Observing the feelings seems like a start. Examining where it sits in the body, how the body wants to remove it. Taking away some of its power to influence action. Otherwise, I may go shopping, buy some chocolate or anything else the will push those feelings ...

WORD FOR THE DAY Strength means...acknowledging each of those feelings, your questions and ideas and faith and terror, and meeting what comes with the full force of your heart. BRENDA SHAUGHNESSY When experiencing unpleasant feelings, I would shove, squelch or rage. Mostly rage. Those feelings COULDN'T BE FELT! I would blame the people who were involved in creating those feelings inside instead of dealing with them. There were times that it seemed as if I would die. I know that sounds melodramatic but now I know anxiety and panic can tell my brain lies. I still don't like them and I still don't always act appropriately but I am now more aware and I am doing much better than last year. last month and even yesterday. I am starting to feel the pain of fear and betrayal, grief and sadness and not run around like a crazy woman trying desperately to FIX IT. Do you feel freely or do you avoid and, if so, how do you avoid?

I am doing a couple of Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings a week now. It is so inspiring for me to hear the stories and relate to the feelings expressed and realize that I have a community. There are other people that have to fight the need to control and to try to force others, through various behaviors, to ease the uncomfortable emotions they may be feeling. There are other people that are afraid to feel certain emotions like hurt, shame and uncertainty and that fear presents itself in far more hurtful or counterproductive ways than actually dealing with the feelings. People can be so damaged by their families even if their families are/were not aware. I think of a few of my blogging friends and of some of the people in my meetings that are fighting, tooth and nail, to break out of that shit they were handed as little children and rise above to a more beautiful and peace filled place and I am in awe of them. By comparison I didn't have it too bad but I am aware that that is...

Boundaries; they are healthy things.  So why do so many of us have trouble with putting them in place and keeping them? Why did we learn, early on, that it is not ok to speak up and say I need this or that is not acceptable? According to  Darlene Lancer, JD, MFTD, MFT, Boundaries are learned. If yours weren’t valued as a child, you didn’t learn you had them. I can't say whether my boundaries were valued but I do know I was one of 6, with a busy mom and an almost non-existent father. It was what it was and it was all I knew. I  know that my lack of understanding boundaries deeply affected my parenting. I wish I had done things differently but I did what was logical to me at the time.  What I have learned is that a boundary is a beautiful thing. It helps prevent the building of resentments, which can easily harm new or long term partnerships. But why is saying "no" so hard? "One of our most fundamental needs is for social connection and a feeling ...

Grateful for a good day, for the increasing ability to resolve conflict in a healthier way and for learning to let go of some things that I cannot control. The control one is cool. The need to fix things around me is strong and, usually, so easy to do. I am a great organizer and have the ability to toss crap out and prioritize. This is a job for me and only me. With too many people in a too small house, the urge came on to start the purging process. My room got a good cleaning and heading to the garage next. Time to organize and set my house in order. But only my junk.....everyone else's stuff is calling my name and I might eyeball it but healthy boundaries work both ways. Ignoring the compulsion to clean it ALL and learning to be okay with that. Everything doesn't have to be perfect for me to feel comfortable anymore. It's alright to be a little uncomfortable, life is messy and I'm learning to roll with it. Practicing "sitting" with the feelings that often...