An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

Discouragement is raining on my parade today. It's ok. I can handle it but I wish it away soon. This dance of being a couple in our late 50's is not an easy one. You would think all the dance lessons we took in the first 50 years would come in handy but, alas, they seem to hinder more than help. I sometimes wonder if I have been just a little too wounded to be able to maintain a healthy coupling. Little things, small reminders of the past, can surprise me. Sort of like being unexpectedly shoved roughly by a stranger, causing an off balance and the grasping of anything for support. The anythings can be a problem. It's not the old rages. Those are mostly gone. But it is still a part of me I don't care for much.  Why can't I relax? Why still so hypervigilant?  Trust. It's all about trust. When will I learn to trust me? All in good time I suppose, so in the meanwhile, how about some patience?

This morning something I was watching jogged a memory, one that was filled with such pain that I thought I would write it down. Probably 2010 or 11, I was in my mid 40's when my OB diagnosed me with HPV. She warned me not to jump to conclusions, saying that the virus could lie dormant in the body for decades before showing up. I did not jump to conclusions, despite the very long odds, I trusted. It turned out to be misplaced trust but I did not know that at the time. The treatment for the virus was something called a LEEP procedure. It was done in office. It was painful and shame filled and, well, heartbreaking. I can't explain it...those were just my feelings. During the procedure something happened. I'm am not exactly sure what. It may have been a panic attack, it may have been my body reacting. My chest hurt, I couldn't breath, laying there I saw myself detaching and it was ok with it. All the sudden, I hear the doctor calling my name loudly, she got up and ...

The central question of a warriors training is not how we avoid uncertainty and fear, but how we relate to discomfort. How do we practice with difficulty, with our emotions, with the unpredictable encounters of an ordinary day? ~ Pema Chodron I love this quote. I am reading The Places That Scare You, by Pema Chodron. It has been helpful and very applicable for my life. I am not afraid to go outside, ride in a car or even of spiders and snakes. My fears are far more primal. I have deep fear of feeling out of control and of being deceived. Sometimes I have no idea that fear is what is controlling my behavior.  I eventually figure it out but, often times, it then requires the making of amends to the person or people involved. I have made great headway but the awareness puts the spotlight on something that I was once blissfully ignorant of. That means some good hard work, learning to trust myself, dropping expectations of others and having compassion for the tender ...

Things that are hard: Remembering to find joy when you’re feeling afraid. Trusting, trusting when the world doesn’t feel so trustworthy. Watching your kids struggle and having to stand back and let it happen. Not rescuing when it would be so easy to rescue. Ignoring the feeling in my stomach that something isn’t right. Remembering to work my program when I so want to do something else. Things that are easy: Loving. Today, not much else.

WORD FOR THE DAY Anyone can be happy when they get what they want; the challenge is to stay grateful and peaceful even when the world around you feels crazy and dangerous and horrible. ELIZABETH GILBERT I miss so much of contented happiness due to worry. I want to let that damn worry go, set it free to the wind and stop letting it control my brain and actions. I want, so intensely, to be a trusting person.  I've made headway but there's still a frickin mountain ahead of me. Each time I start to feel the trust grow, something sets it back to a negative number instead of the almost 10 in a range of 1 to 100.  It's the little things that undermine it. It's the "Ooops, I forgot to mention" or the "It's really is not that big of a deal”  that do me in. If only it weren't that big of a deal....For one reason or another, it is.  The fact of the matter, I need to trust in me 100%. Everything I need is within me.....well, not yet...but it w...

travel and see the world. be able to hear. trust, just plain old trust. feel safe and be treated like I am precious to someone. be cared for....I've grown weary of depending on me. I'm tired today.

I love the idea of a relationship being a safe haven. It is only an idea to me at this point because I am not nearly trusting enough find that in anyone anymore and I am aware enough to know that I too have to be a safe haven to the partner in my life in order to have that in return. In some ways I am a safe haven. I am reliable, honest, extremely loyal and Jiminy Cricket keeps me on the straight and narrow but I am explosive in my fear and anger and that is never good. I need to be the safe person I desire my partner to be.

3:00am wake up call.  A nice warm breakfast made and served by the Boy Scout. One hour to LAX is unheard of; it's taken in excess of three hours on occasion. All is well. But is it?  My anxiety rises as he gives me a sweet kiss and hug in the cool morning air. Off he goes with my Sophie sitting next to him. My counselor says that we all deserve someone we can trust but that implies that somewhere inside of me there is still a morsel of trust left. What do I trust these days?  Good question. I'll have to think that through.  I know that I need to detach and TRUST in me and know that whatever happens at any given time, I can trust that I will be there for myself and that should allow me some peace of mind. The fact of the matter is that men have let me down big time. There is the tape playing that says I'm not worthy of real love and consideration. I know it's not true logically but getting that message to my heart is work....hard work I'm going to focus...

trust noun 1 . firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. "relations have to be built on trust" synonyms: confidence ,  belief ,  faith ,  certainty ,  assurance ,  conviction ,  credence ; reliance "good relationships are built on trust" 2 . LAW confidence placed in a person by making that person the nominal owner of property to be held or used for the benefit of one or more others. Trust is the foundation of every healthy relationship. For those of us who have been damaged by betrayal in our distant or recent pasts, trust has to be a deliberate choice. It doesn't come natural; it requires vulnerability and a transparency that can be hard to give to others. It can be even harder for some t...

Do you lie? If you do, do you know why you do it?  Do you know someone that does? Everyone lies, at least a little, whether to themselves or others. I've got a ton of work to go but, thankfully, refraining from lying is not one of the things in which I have to put a ton of effort. Unfortunately, I find myself skint on trust which can make lying a real problem for me.  It's good to remember that I am only responsible to how I react to the lies. I cannot fix the liar....thank God.....my plate is full working on me.

IN THE LAST TWO YEARS I: Sold my home Moved twice Bought a house Slept alone Ended my marriage Fell in love Let go of all my children Installed a garbage disposal and light fixture Gave up a dream Learned to forgive Found a church home Developed empathy Became a better friend I STILL NEED TO: Heal my soul Learn to trust Let go of fear Walk closer to God Be a better friend Have faith that it'll all be OK

Loving life these days. Working my program and feeling fairly calm and peaceful. The relationship with my Boy Scout keeps moving forward in a special way and my relationship with the Secret Keeper has taken a new, softer path. The Boy Scout continues to challenge me to communicate better, fight fairly and rebuild trust. Additionally, in a unique way all his own, he challenges my need to make everyone around me behave in a certain way so that I can feel safe. I have learned to keep my mouth shut on occasion....what a novel idea! The black and white has turned a little grayer. The Secret Keeper continues to teach me about forgiveness, empathy and the reconstruction of relationships. As he tries to rebuild a life for himself while battling a pretty severe mental illness, I learn to not take offense when feeling manipulated and, with some ease, love the man that still desires to be a good dad. Sometimes, if I feel that heavy weight on my chest that makes it hard to breath, ...

As moms, we know our kids will go through hardships. They will have scraped knees, broken ankles, bicycle accidents and worse. As they grow older, their hardships can be much more complex. They will: not get into the college of their (or maybe your) choice, have their hearts broken, have difficulty finding a job and, gasp, maybe have trouble paying rent. It can be so hard to watch without interfering. allowing them the time and privilege to work it all out and, eventually, feel empowered for doing so. This past week was a test in quite a few ways and I would lay it all out right here except for the fact that each "issue" had its own story teller that is not me. My story is learning to be supportive but objective, patient and open, and finally to shut my damn mouth until appropriate (like after being asked for advice). It's true that I have had a great many life experiences waiting to be shared and it is true that I depended tremendously on my mother when she was...

I fail and fail and fail....over and over again. I know the person I want to be but the transformation takes so damn long. Having the best of intentions, that old me takes over and grabs my thoughts before awareness manifests itself. Hijacked by the person I used to be. Almost like a split personality...the one that protects the host at any cost. I fail but I pick myself up and attempt to clean up the devastation left from the storm. It's so interesting that just a few months back I considered myself well on track to some major healing. But things have changed and the peace has been challenged in new ways leaving me to realize there is still a long way to go. A few lessons from this weekend: Just because a thought comes to mind, does not make it a fact. It is just a stinkin thought.  Pain needs to be felt for what it is. Don't relegate the pain to another person in the hopes it might alleviate your distress. Feel it and know what it is. Learn to trust where it is ...

All about trust. Do I trust God enough to give all my worries over to Him? Recently something came up with one of my kids. A big red flag. For a few moments I went back into my untreated Al-Anon mode. The one that never, EVER did me any good. My brain knows that to be true and yet it kicks in and and off I go!  Luckily, within a minute or two, I stopped what I was doing and just said "NO" not this time and walked away. Using my Al-Anon tools, I briefly shared my concern with someone and then I let it go. I gave my child up to my Higher Power and recognized the I had none, zero, zilch, nothing, no power over this situation. Taking a great big breathe, I moved on with my day, not really giving the situation another thought until someone else brought it up. My child is doing pretty darn good and is well aware that I am here if I am needed. That's enough. It so interesting how I used to think that if I just said the right words, did the right things, that the person in...

As I mentioned in another post, I find myself in a new relationship. This is an interesting, wonderful and confusing time. There is the whole idea of a divorce not yet final. Minor detail to some, huge to others. Not quite sure myself....mixed emotions. The bigger issue is the lack of trust in myself to make the right decisions. Recovery has given me many new tools but the right ones?  How does one know for sure? Perhaps I should make a list of pro's and con's except that seems so judgmental and I cannot deny that my fears are still many and my biases, even more. Two years ago, I would not have hesitated to write this guy off. BAM! But he has many wonderful qualities that cannot be overlooked. Therefore, reconsidering my old belief system, reevaluating my black and whites. Living by a new standard that leads to way more happiness than the one I used to adhere to. Love Fiercely, forgive quickly. Beautiful♥