An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

Blah blah blah La dee daaa I can’t sleep I counted sheep Read the news Perused some shoes Played a game Its such a shame My eyes are tired But the brain is wired I bug the man Just because I can The next time I dine No iced tea, maybe wine

Sleep has eluded me for about 4 years now.  I used to be an Olympic sleeper! I could fall asleep just about anywhere and was known to sleep with power tools and pneumatic nail guns being used in the next room. Then it happened. The day when everything in life changed, including my ability to sleep. No longer did I fall asleep easy...no longer did I stay asleep longer than 2 or 3 hours. I tried many things. Meditation tapes, boring audio books, white noise and repetitive mantras. When I go too many nights without, I use a benadryl.  Knocks me on my butt but my head is full of butterflies most of the next day....I feel off. I once took an Ambien but peed the bed and slept right through it.....that scared me to be that out of it. A week or so ago, out of desperation, I finally tried THC. Relaxed my body well and good but my mind was still active and not in a good way. I don't think that is for me. Lately, the melatonin seems to be helping more than it once did. With some...

Last night my boy called from Portland. We did small talk, caught up and filled in. After that was all over I had a feeling that he wanted to talk some more so I just asked if anything else was going on. He proceeded to tell me about some struggles he was having with his relationship and with himself. It was well thought out and he offered up both sides of the problem. I loved seeing his hard work and his desire to build a solid foundation for the future. I mostly was humbled that he decided to share it with me. I refrained from taking sides, I listened with love and minimally offered up things that have helped me in similar situations. One thing for sure, he is his mother's son...probably most like me than the other 3 but he's learning to navigate a healthier life about 30 years earlier than I did.  Kudos to him!! Best part??? I didn't feel the need to fix, control or to have him say something that would alleviate my discomfort in knowing he is struggling. Yay me! I l...

No sleep, no sleep, no sleep.  Lie here, listen to meditation tapes, toss, turn.... Snoring Boy Scout, snoring frenchie inching her way up closer and closer to her desired location which is directly between our two pairs of shoulders. I play some games, read, then try again. The night drags on. I find myself enjoying some of my favorite blogs and notice a bit of light coming from behind me. Oh grand, the Boy Scout is awake and playing solitaire as is his wont....we can talk and cuddle.  ALAS, the bit of light is Saturday saying hello. Another night of no sleep. 

I am banking of this to be true. Today I am grateful for the fact that I am not a good sleeper. I woke up to a strange noise and since am nearly deaf, that is a miracle in itself. At first I thought the Boy Scout was snoring and, as his snoring takes on a multitude of manifestations, I dismissed the noise and went back to the effort of falling asleep. The noise persisted and seemed to come from the wrong direction. When I sat up, I realized the noise coming from Sophie and it was not a familiar one. Anyone with a Frenchie knows that they make a ton of strange noises but this was a sort of rasp. When I got to her, I found her choking on the sweater that I had put on her earlier in the day. It had made its way down her back somehow but I had looped it through her collar and the result was her laying there gasping for air. Quickly, I removed her collar and stroked her head and body. After a moment or two, she sat up, looked at me seriously, blinked her watery eyes a few times, took...

While practicing my Al-Anon walk, I found a frustration that even though the texts and sayings showed me there was a better way to live, I just wasn't getting some of the tools needed to make certain changes. Turn up the heat and I was right back to being the cornered animal, feeling powerless, ready to do anything I needed just to feel safe. That ugly reaction still exists but not so severe and definitely not as often. One of the things that I do to help facilitate real change in my life is to listen to positive affirmations. I use YouTube videos that do not run contrary with my belief system to help change my negative or fearful thought process.  Search positive affirmations or meditations and many videos will come up. Some voices irritate me or are difficult to understand because of my hearing loss and some are just too "other worldly". For one reason or another, I have found that I really like a number of the Jason Stephenson videos. I don't know a thi...

I used to be a hard core sleeper. I could sleep through absolutely anything! Earthquakes, power tools, kids parties, etc.  The funny thing though, I never slept through my babies crying. I was a nursing mom for a lot of that time and I would wake at the first peep. The sleeping brain is so very interesting. Now-a-days, as I've shared before, sleep is a toughie. Many nights I will wake around 3:00 or 3:30 and be done...occasionally falling back down at 5ish. I've learned not to freak out about it, trusting that if not tomorrow night, then maybe the night after, I will sleep. I can get a little tweaked when it is the fault of someone else but otherwise I just try to quiet my brain and relax. Some YouTube videos have helped me get a little more balance and taught me how to relax when my brain will not cooperate. I listen to the following:       https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46dYmKYpnGY       https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L12_GAi2...

Morning often comes much earlier than I desire. Usually around 3:30 or 4:00. Love, love, love it when it doesn't show its face until 5:00 or 5:30 am. Before the direction of life changed so drastically, I was a sleeper. Bed started whispering my name around 9:00 pm. Sometimes answered and sometimes put it off for awhile but lovingly slipped into at a "decent" hour. Sanctuary. In the realm of sleepers, I was pro. I could fall asleep with power tools running, teen parties going on, lights on or off....it did not matter. Even nail guns were no match for the trusty internal clock. My Secret Keeper installed base boards in the entire house, late hours into the night (see earlier posts for an explanation for that), without disturbing my slumber. Rarely waking before the allotted time...rarely did sleep surpass the allotted time, it all worked well. Those days are gone. A full nights sleep rarely happens without the help of a Benadryl or something stronger. Fretting doesn...