An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

When I live life from standpoint of: worry about what will come,  what might be,  how will it work,  will we be Ok  it is dark and overwhelming. Today, I need to live in the moment. I am grateful for much and I need to let go of the preconceived notions of what life at 58 or 60 was going to look like. Staying there will only make the future scary and the moment lost. Easier said than done but I say it outloud so that I am accountable for having said it, if nothing else. I have no control over ANYTHING but me.

I have tried to live life safely. Stemming from a childhood where I felt very unsafe, it has been near the top of my list in most situations. I remember making a decision, at 12 or 13, to not allow others to put me in unsafe situations. A childish fantasy of self determination.  Living life safely easily eliminates the use of alcohol and drugs. Never even thought to give them a try. Truthfully, I got tipsy and stoned for the first time somewhere around my 52nd year....not at the same time. While it may have been fun, it's not a fit for me.  There really is no such thing as safety, but it took me a long time to learn that. I still feel ill at ease in many situations where most people are quite comfortable. I would much rather drive the car than put my trust in someone else. That safe-keeping was blanketed over the kids too. More than likely they were a bit smothered by their scared mother, but it was all I knew. The other day on family Zoom my youngest, who has admitted to taki...

I'm doing my 4th step in ACA.  ACA's steps are very like the 12 Steps of AA but with a whole lot more deep introspection and self love. It is quite a process with the idea gaining clarity, taking inventories and making amends, and, all the while, being very gentle with oneself. It hasn't been easy. At times I wanted to run away but I've stuck with it and feel good about the process. Step 4. We made a searching and blameless inventory of our parents because, in essence, we had become them. We look at our parents with gentleness, understanding that family alcoholism and dysfunction is a generational disease. We've learned that being angry, resentful or judgemental comes back to cause us pain. During this process, one of the inventories is a relationship inventory. It attempts to shed light on our patterns in relationships. Do many of our relationships end up blowing up, do we people please until we can't stand them anymore, do we lose ourselves, do we try to contr...

It started out lovely, shiny and new. I jumped in and revelled in the feelings that I had not felt in decades. After 30 years with someone else, the last 10 of those years being difficult at best, how wonderous for me. Like most alliances, there was the phase of discovery and fascination, where those involved tended to be on their best behavior, hiding their darker sides. The unconscious darkness stayed in the background, laying dormant, waiting and watching. And then the shift, who did it first....I couldn't say. But being myself, I would blame him for hiding the parts of him that were too hard for me to tolerate. And the more he hid, the more I reacted. Not coming from a healthy foundation, I fought it, wondering why. Why stay here when you want to be someone I cannot handle? Why lie and say you will and then do the opposite. I cannot give his side except to say that possibly it was my need to control was what forced him underground. What I know, for sure, is that I went...

I get a little nutty when it comes to my credit score. I am pretty sure that it stems from the financial insecurity and poverty the plagued my family once my father left the family home. That damn score is the tangible approval from an outside source that I am being responsible, keeping things in order, making sure that I never go hungry again. Do not ask me how I make those connections but I do, however arbitrary or contrived those connections are. I use a credit card for just about EVERYTHING and I pay it off monthly no matter what. I've used those miles to pay for one European vacation for 6 people and for much of another for two. But my credit card has a "service" that tells me day in and day out what my credit score is. I watch as it ebbs up and ebbs down and it triggers that feeling in me of panic that, somehow, I might have made a mistake. A company that exists somewhere in the either for all I know, tells me that I've been irresponsible or hands out the...

The upbringing we have fragrances the life we live in ways we cannot fathom.  Being raised by an alcoholic and by a codependent has shaded my life just as being raised by a strict disciplinarian or parent with no self-discipline or an immature parent would.  Each of those requires us to make decisions in our life in order to survive in the best way we can. Some of us repeat what our parents have done and some of us try to do the very opposite. But the bulk of us live somewhere in between just trying to do the best we can.   I learned to try to control what was going on around me. I learned to attempt to do what I needed to not be afraid. It’s ill adaptive at best.  Secret keeper has overdosed again and my heart is breaking for him, for me, but mostly for my kids. God how I want to go down to the hospital and tell him exactly what he needs to do. To make the arrangements and fix that situation. I’ve learned that that is an exercise in futility and that even ...

Last night my boy called from Portland. We did small talk, caught up and filled in. After that was all over I had a feeling that he wanted to talk some more so I just asked if anything else was going on. He proceeded to tell me about some struggles he was having with his relationship and with himself. It was well thought out and he offered up both sides of the problem. I loved seeing his hard work and his desire to build a solid foundation for the future. I mostly was humbled that he decided to share it with me. I refrained from taking sides, I listened with love and minimally offered up things that have helped me in similar situations. One thing for sure, he is his mother's son...probably most like me than the other 3 but he's learning to navigate a healthier life about 30 years earlier than I did.  Kudos to him!! Best part??? I didn't feel the need to fix, control or to have him say something that would alleviate my discomfort in knowing he is struggling. Yay me! I l...

The drama continues but it doesn't have to be drama, does it? The Secret Keeper got out of the hospital yesterday after 10 days. I cannot tell you exactly what was wrong with him as I did not speak to a doctor. I do know that he was on a binge (and not food) before going in and I do know that he needed dialyses at least once while there. Otherwise, I have pretty much left it up to my girls to make decisions and let me know whatever they choose. That's a hard thing to do for a recovering control freak but I did OK. My sister (the nurse) on the other hand, was inundating me with questions and peppering me with advice for a person we have no influence over. It was out of caring but it was not remotely helpful and added to the stress.  Yesterday I had a HUGE (picture Donald Trump with duck lips) and vivid reminder of how life was before my marriage ended. The Secret Keeper called me to tell me he was getting out of the hospital...he left a message, he called again....he l...

This is to hard divulge. I wish I could forget about it...I wish I could be normal...I wish.......     The Boy Scout and I went golfing with a good friend on Saturday. Had a great day; beautiful out, chilly but bearable. On nine, it seems that a lot of golf courses meet back up with the club house and it is there that people often quench their thirst. The Boy Scout got me a cider, our friend a beer and himself a big beer (bigger than normal). I suppose only an Al-Anon would even notice this. When the game was over I was really hungry as it was a couple of hours past lunch time. We went to a place called Harry's Plaza Cafe. I've been there before and was aware that he has a history with the place. When I say history, it often means that both the food and the drinks are good (something that he would emphasize).  When we arrived at the restaurant, I was disappointed because it looked really full and I was not too interested in waiting. Surprised, the waiter grabbed...

Patterns in our lives can be destructive and so very hard to recognize. I'm reading Codependency No More by Melody Beattie and have seen myself in the book over and over again. The Karpman drama triangle in Chapter 8 is standing out at the moment. This chapter deals with rescue and care-taking. We rescue because we don't feel good about ourselves.  We rescue because it is easier to do so than to deal with the feelings we are feeling when someone we care about is suffering or in need. We rescue because it makes us feel better about ourselves or feel more in control of an uncomfortable situation. We rescue whether we are asked or not....whether the rescued are completely able to care for themselves. Rescuing or "care-taking" breeds anger when the rescued let us down or rejects us or our advice. We get angry at the rejection and attack. Afterwards, we become the victim, pointing out all that we have done for them. Seeing the pattern is the only way to mo...

The past week has reminded me that I have no control over anything but myself (and sometimes not even that) and that I have to trust my Higher Power for peace and remember my job to be grateful. I am grateful that my Chica-girl has the incredible strength to keep trying. Striving for a sense of peace and practicing a tremendous amount of self care in order to move forward. Stepping out even though it can be a very scary world and asking for help at a time that many others cut themselves off. Grateful for my Gigi who got pretty darn sick in the last 48 hours and reminded me that I am still needed and valued as a mom even though there are no kids living in my home (unless you count the Boy Scout, who happens to be the biggest kid in the world). For the girl I call a Tornado, who stepped up and attentively cared for my Gigi in my absence. It's nice to have someone with a strong voice as your advocate when you are feeling w...

Day 4 - Find one homeless person and give them some money. It doesn't have to be a lot, but when you give it to them, make eye contact and smile. Done and done.   Once again, not sure how this is an act of self love except, maybe, showing love to others is a form of self love. Our local Lowes has an exit where there is always someone standing. Today was a young kid...maybe 17 to 22. I'm guessing his drug of choice is meth judging by the extreme thinness, twitchy body movements and sores on his face. My oldest daughter and youngest son both have strong opinions about the distribution of money to the homeless. My eldest spent a semester in San Francisco. When she came home, she espoused the concept of giving only to the charities that serve the homeless rather than the guy on the corner. I understand this....at least you know that you are providing nourishment or shelter with your cash. My youngest son believes that if a couple of bucks is going to ease the discomfort o...

If I had had the tools as a young person I would be two steps ahead in this game of living a vulnerable life. If I had things to do over again, it would be one of my main focuses in living day to day, weathering the setbacks in life and not building up walls to prevent feeling hurt and sorrow. By the time I reached 50, the brick wall I had built around me reached well past the top of my head.  I remember the day when my dad walked out the door, with me crying and begging him to stay. I'm pretty sure I had already got a good start on my mini fortress but that event raised the wall to a new level. There were many other events that added layers; normal everyday life events that I did not have the tools to deal with. The cruelness of teenage boys, the sudden life of poverty that was to be ours for a number of years after my father left and just the fact that I was just over sensitive.  I learned to endure by trying to control my universe. Little did I know that I was...

Don't concentrate on your failures, rejoice in your victories. Starting to realize that in my effort to make major changes, I was berating myself all too often for backsliding and failures. A blow up on my part would end up in repentant apologies combined with kicking myself in the ass for not showing better control or recognizing the impetus of the explosion. The thing is, people do crappy things; they hurt, reject, manipulate or just plain neglect. When they do, it is not personal, it is a way to make themselves feel empowered when weak or hurt others when feeling hurt or pacify their own personal fears. They also don't always recognize how their behavior may effect another. My only job is to do me and to achieve the best possible outcome in any situation. My raging has everything to do with feeling weak and unsure of how I will handle a potentially tough situation. The truth is I have made tremendous progress in not only changing my reaction but also realizing that ...

Soooo, today is filled with anxiety and negative self talk.  I am doing what I need to do to change that; first, just by being aware and second, by filling my head with the things that will turn that voice in my head, if not off, at least quiet it down. I am reminding myself that the voice is talking from a fear base and not remotely interested in the eventual outcome of this day...good or bad. I, on the other hand, desire to stay in a positive place and frankly, am exhausted from having to say "I'm sorry" after acting on or reacting to those shitty thoughts. On a bright note, I am getting quite skilled at apologies. Returning to my old mantra: ~My heart is full of love from my family. I will care for them and myself to the best of my ability. God is in control and all is well~ My serenity prayer is being repeated and I am anticipating peaceful thoughts returning. It's Friday and it's going to be a beautiful weekend. Enjoy it to the fulle...

If you saw my last post, you know that detachment is a tough thing for me and for so many people I know. I took the previous four steps to heart! Redirecting my thinking each time it got out of whack. Feeling so much more peace. Don't chase your loved ones away by making them responsible for you feeling....OK, in control, loved, peaceful, content, safe or just plain happy. Remember that step #3, "I could feel___________" is an inside job. Letting It Begin With Me.

Grateful for a good day, for the increasing ability to resolve conflict in a healthier way and for learning to let go of some things that I cannot control. The control one is cool. The need to fix things around me is strong and, usually, so easy to do. I am a great organizer and have the ability to toss crap out and prioritize. This is a job for me and only me. With too many people in a too small house, the urge came on to start the purging process. My room got a good cleaning and heading to the garage next. Time to organize and set my house in order. But only my junk.....everyone else's stuff is calling my name and I might eyeball it but healthy boundaries work both ways. Ignoring the compulsion to clean it ALL and learning to be okay with that. Everything doesn't have to be perfect for me to feel comfortable anymore. It's alright to be a little uncomfortable, life is messy and I'm learning to roll with it. Practicing "sitting" with the feelings that often...

When struggling with an issue, big or small, it is so much easier to do so having the "Just for Today" attitude. I often struggle with control....needing everything to be alright. It mainly plays out with the people I am closest to. I don't need to rearrange someones flowers or flip a friends roll of toilet paper. But if I am willing to admit it, deep down, I want the behaviors of my people to be such that, when all is said and done, I am happy and content. How presumptuous of me to think that my comfort should be placed above someone else's right to make good or bad choices for themselves. When did this need to control start? I don't really know for sure but what I do know is that it is destructive. Aside from messing up any chance of serenity I may hope to possess, it also damages my relationships. When the bar is set too high, people will avoid, rebel or just plain hide behaviors that might come under the scrutiny of a hard to please person. So, I try th...

I'm learning to take the world as it is. It morphs and moves and changes at its own pace and timing. I use to fight it. Every morning putting on my very best armor, picking up my weapons in a futile attempt at making this life look that way I desired. Perhaps that's the Al-Anon in me but it is also that young mother in me. For a time, we as mothers, have such a tremendous control of our microcosm of life. Or maybe even that was just an illusion, Either way, on my road to happiness, I'm finding that being grateful deep within my soul for the many, many wonderful things that have taken place in my life is crucial. Recognizing my God's hand gently turning my face to the light. Both the wondrous and difficult times are there....each used as an integral part of a life's journey of learning and loving. May I always see the hard times as a chance to grow to a new faith, a deepening love or a stronger foundation. T AKE  the world as it is!—there are good a...

"Easy Does It," an expression used by AA and Al-Anon alike. An excellent reminder for me, as an Al-Anon, to remember when a situation feels out of control. How many situations are truly "out of control"? Very few.....it's just a feeling in my gut that tightens and squeezes and releases Adrenalin and makes EVERYTHING seem so out of focus and on hyper speed. It makes me want to stop, guide, regulate, conjole, fix and put all the ducks in a neat little row, pat them on they're heads and say, "Good job for understanding that this is the best and most logical thing to do."  Making myself the Higher Power in life is exhausting, frustrating to my loved ones who have their own paths to walk, and giving me the constant feeling of failure. Easy Does It girl! Take a breath, relax and take responsibility for me. Let those around me make their choices, allow them to live their lives without the puncturing of my tender ego. It's not about me.  Ste...