An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

Yesterday morning I was reading the news. It was early. I felt the Boy Scout roll over in bed and he said to me, "I already fed Scruffy". That interaction, so small, so very unimportant and uninteresting, made my heart squeeze and I caught my breath. I heard him. For the first time in years I was able to hear a normal voice, understand it fully and process it instantly-WITHOUT ANY HEARING AIDS. Now, that my not sound like much to the average Jill or Joe but it was huge. The packing in my ear moves around a bit, mutating what comes inside and sometimes making strange noises, echoes and muffles. At that moment in time the sentence was clear and precise. Could it have been louder? Sure, but it was loud enough. Hopefully we keep going in the same direction. I am thrilled.

Test is done! It wasn’t fun but it wasn’t earth shattering either. It was larger in my head than anywhere else. I got dizzy but dizzy is not vertigo. Dizzy is off kilter and odd footed. Vertigo is stop life until the vertigo stops. Vertigo is no up and no down. I am grateful it is done. I’ve yet to hear from the doc but, from what the tech says, there was nothing in this test that would stop a surgery. Thank you for your kind words. Moving forward again.

Today I will be having what the doctor, rather innocuously, referred to as a balance test. Come to find out it’s a bit more than that. It is almost as if they are going to try to produce an episode of vertigo to see how prone I am. Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever had a case of vertigo but it’s for the birds. The last full episode I had was 5 years ago this July. I woke with the world spinning. For a week I couldn’t walk or figure out what was up or what was down. For a month I couldn’t drive safely. Luckily I had some fabulous care givers. The after affect lasted a few years. It felt like my brain was bobbing in water and had trouble keeping up with any turn of the head. While those after affects were merely unpleasant, in full episode I was full of despair. It was unlivable. Like being on an endless looping rollercoaster with no idea when, or if, the ride would be over. Feeling fearful but I am trying to remain here, right now, and not borrow trouble that may never come. (Is that a d...

The savings is dwindling. There are a few things that this old house needs and when that is done there will be little left. Life has changed completely. From a more than comfortable income with health insurance and the hope of future stability, then, starting in 2018 a shrinking income that has brought me to a situation that is very like the childhood I tried so hard to rise above. It is not poverty. I know poverty when I see it. I have a roof over my head and I am not hungry. There are two cars with payments that will be made. This will be a spare existence that I am familiar with.  There is no excess. Anything extra comes straight from that shrinking account. Property tax, car repairs, hearing aids, health care, utilities, cable, gyms, they are set to a list with their priority status. Like so many other older adults, health care and dental will take the first hit. I have to hear, I need a car, property tax must be paid. The rest will wait........... Gone are the dreams. The vaca...

Still no job but I've got a call in to Oregon Vocational Rehab. Not at all sure what they will have to offer an old gal that is very hard of hearing but we shall see. The hearing aids have had a go over. They are state of the art for Atypical hearing loss and in fine working order but it's kind of like trying to drive a car with no spark plugs. When the loss is severe to profound no amount of amplification will fix it. I simply do not hear much in the low or high frequencies. Many people just sound like Charlie Brown's school teacher. Wah wah wah! It's all good though. I've, for the moment, given up fretting about what will be and am accepting that I will keep trying until I find something that is a good fit. We shall see. Got an electrician coming today....Yay! I've been needing some GFCI outlets installed. I've done it for myself before but this house is wired differently so I think I'll watch what he is doing and go from there on the rest. Not worth r...

Had an interview yesterday. It was interesting to say the least. A stoner/dealer who, some 11 years ago, figured out he could sell marijuana without getting arrested by becoming legit and opening a "lab". That lab has taken him down some interesting roads and now tests THC/CBD, soils, water, asbestos, etc. You have a need, he has a test. The job had a casual atmosphere and sounded kind of fun, if not a little precarious. The interview went along swimmingly, and I think I had the job in the bag....UNTIL he mentioned that the bookkeeper was their backup receptionist. I asked a few questions and stopped the interview. They needed their bookkeeper to work one 8 hours shift behind the receptionist counter. Behind a sheet of plexiglass. With mandatory masks. In an office located right on a busy street. I could not hear one word the receptionist said. I had no reason to believe it would be any different from the otherside of the plexiglass. Feeling low, low in value, having little t...

Work has been in flux for far too long. These days, I find myself in more work related meetings than I want to be doing and the frustration builds on so many levels. First of all, they are phone meetings with multiple people. Under normal circumstance that has its own issues but with severe hearing loss I find that my body hates the meetings even more than I do. More often than not, I get off the phone and just sit and cry. Perhaps to release the tension of the challenges of the meeting, keeping up on current technology and jargon, etc. But also because as time goes on, I struggle more and more to distinguish what is being said and by whom. By the time I hang up, my body is so tense that I am forgetting to breathe. Pushing the red button on my iPhone, I rip the damn earbuds out, take a deep breathe and sob for just a little while. It's ok. I don't beat myself up for it. I am not being dramatic or immature, I am releasing frustration, stress and accepting that ...

I have Ménière's (sounds like men ears) disease. According to Wikipedia:  Ménière's disease  is a disorder of the  inner ear  that usually affects both  hearing  and  balance . It is characterized by episodes of  vertigo  and by fluctuating or permanent  tinnitus  and  hearing loss . The condition affects people differently. It can range in intensity from being a mild annoyance to a disabling disease. It is similar to many other conditions so a  differential diagnosis  is important. [2] Mine is what I would call way more than a mild annoyance and far less than disabling. Vertigo episodes occur very few and far between and are short lived. That being said, it is a vertigo like none I had ever experience. I am not just dizzy, I simply cannot tell up from down as everything spins in front of my eyes. I would liken it to being strapped at the waist to the center point of a water wheel that just keeps spinning or...