An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

Wednesday night the Boy Scout and I got in a kerfuffle. Miscommunication, childhood fear and our past history populated my "reaction". I walked into the apartment and said something that was not terribly nice. Went in to take a bath to calm down and organize my thoughts. Out of the tub and back in the living room for more "reacting" and then I climb in bed and turn my Tara Brach Youtube channel which starts playing. Just so happens that it is her Anger: Responding, Not Reacting. She gets to the part where she says, "Think about it. If you think about the last time you lashed out angrily (for me 5 minutes before), did that help the other person to become more cooperative? Did you get your needs met?" She goes on to say,"The Buddha puts it this way, "Getting angry with another person is like throwing hot coals with bare hands. Both people get burned". I take a big breath, blow it out slowly. I go back into the living room and apologize for my ...

Did you learn how to fight? Not physical fighting....the healthy kind. Did someone teach you that you can disagree, be angry or hurt and what to do with those feelings? I never learned that. I am learning now, at 55, to deal with those feelings but it is not easy. When my partner does something that angers or hurts me, I tend to punish and threaten to banish instead to sitting down and explaining how much his actions hurt or angers me. I can be reactionary. It's not all that pleasant for me and I can imagine that it is not at all pleasant for him. But I am aware and I am working on it because I want to be a good partner but, mostly, I just want to be a good me with a ton more peace. So, did you learn how to fight? Do you React or Respond? Do you stick up for yourself or do you take on someone else's anger just to placate and diffuse the situation?

Got invited to go to my daughters counseling appointment yesterday. She is working so hard and I am so proud of her. My girl is an amazing thoughtful person who is so purposeful and diligent in her endeavors at being an excellent girlfriend, daughter, sister and friend. It was lovely to go and to recognize how much she loves me despite all of my failures and faults. I am blessed beyond measure to be loved that way and to be able to, finally, know how to return it fully.  One of the greatest gifts Al-Anon has given me is the ability to detach my personal value from just about everyone around me and allow me to love without conditions. My mothering skills, or lack of them, does not make me unlovable, it makes me human. Still my fear of many things get in the way of peace. But given some time, I am working those things out. Learning to recognize the difference between reactions and responses is my next goal. It's a sneaky one....one moment I feel so assured that I am in the ...

When I look back to all that has happened in the last 5 to 10 years, I try to give myself a break when I falter, mistrust and fall short of my goals. It's not an easy thing to do because sitting before me, clear as day, I see that there is a better way to live, to behave, to respond. Frequently, however, even after much consideration and contemplation, the old reactions spew forth their ugliness. covering up, like a bandage, the feelings of out of control, vulnerability, hurt and perhaps stupidity. It is, somehow, so much easier to be angry than to cry and say "that hurts" or "I can't trust you" or "I feel stupid". Ohhhhh, I said it, didn't I? The dirty little "S" word. How many times in the past year did I ask, out-loud or to myself, "How stupid could I have been?"  I wouldn't even begin to try and count. Who else in the wide world  would not have known that the one person that was suppose to be closest to my heart w...