An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

Surgery is done! The results are yet to be known. The doc whispered to me during my lovely twilight nap and I heard him so I am hopeful. Will know more the next few days and weeks. Interesting procedure, noisy and uncomfortable but I felt well at ease. He warned me that I would hear the loudest noise I have ever heard and he was not wrong. Very loud noises normally trigger my fight/flight response but apparently not when happy nap drugs are dripping in my veins. He graciously woke me to warn that it was coming, I replied with an ok and bam! “Wow”, was my only response. I think I sounded like a surfer dude. It was more of a “WOOOOOOOOOOOOW”, The tinnitus has not been reduced but it is also no louder. I gave it my best shot and what happens happens. The malleus, incus and stapes, which is smallest bone in the body. It’s gone and replaced with a prosthetic that looks like the tiniest plunger ever made. 

24 years ago, a former employer, good friend and someone still connected to my business, asked me for a favor. He and a couple of his friends decided to open an indoor skateboard park. None of them had experience in this, they were winging it and they asked me to do their accounting. At the time, I had three little ones, was pregnant with my 4th and was running my own business. I had a full plate. I ended up saying yes, unable to establish good boundaries and feeling like I owed him for his love and friendship. I had some decent accounting experience but nothing related to this type of business. It would have several revenue streams, including admissions, memberships, instructions, retail, food and large events. I had a ton to learn and had to learn it on the fly. The park opened in July, I had my baby in September and my then-husband got very sick in New Years Day. By January 15th, he had lost 25 lbs and had a deathly pallor. A trip to the doctor and a number of tests showe...

And meanwhile, the crusty cruds have gone through my little house in a big way. We are sick, sick, SICK and are looking forward to this being over. Constant cough, a fiery throat and can't hear a damn thing. Would love some relief. All the while, I am doing my homework, working my program, caring for my loved ones and myself and, finally, trying to work out what my future looks like. And then this popped up: WORD FOR THE DAY The future is not some place we are going, but one we are creating. The paths are not to be found, but made. And the activity of making them changes both the maker and their destination. JOHN SCHAAR Reminding me to keep putting one foot in front of the other, not willy nilly, but purposefully, with thought and consideration. So that's where I am right now. How about you? You doing well today?

Day 6 - Write ten things that you are proud you accomplished. Forgiveness. Without that, none of the other wonderful things that have occurred would have been possible. Learning how to accept and detach from my kids. It sounds negative but doing so has allowed me to love them freely and without hesitation. No judgement and no responsibility...just love. I've learned how to say "NO" and it's amazing. I've accepted my hearing loss and am pretty darn comfortable with it. I can right off the bat say, "I have hearing loss, can you repeat that" and repeat it again if I have to. I don't know if I can say it is my accomplishment but I am so proud of my kids and how they have dealt with their father. Love, kindness, forgiveness and acceptance...and still practicing self care....they are amazing people. Learning that being kind to others is being kind to myself. I've learned to give my love away again.  Not perfectly but in my own messy way......

One thing that I starting doing soon after my marriage crumbled was to frequent the massage store front at my local mall. I must admit I went more often than need be. At first, I felt a little sheepish about it, but over time I got to know that people there (as well as you can with a language barrier) and it was just nice. I have forever been a proponent of human touch. I made sure that my children were embraced and caressed regularly. I hug, easily and heartily, people that I have even a brief encounter with. When encountering the elderly, especially in assisted living, if they seemed amenable, holding their hands or gently rubbing their arms seemed important.  There is science to back up what I sensed intuitively.  Some research found that touch with moderate pressure stimulates a cranial nerve that slows the heart rate and lowers blood pressure. It also reduces stress hormones and may enhance immune function. In a Touch Research Institute study, medical staff and ...

For some strange reason, anxiety has reared its ugly head. Never before have I experienced it to this degree. Freaking out a bit, I was assigning the feelings inappropriately, giving them to someone else instead of taking ownership and dealing with it. With recognition comes responsibility and addressing it the best way possible for me, myself and I. New to this particular game, I searched out some aids. YouTube, mediation and positive affirmation videos helped some. Also, a guy named Leo with Actualized.com helped too. I fell in love with this guy months back and starting gleaming whatever I could from his videos. His talks about mindfulness, meditation, personal growth and mastering emotions were terrific. Unfortunately, there are a few of his videos that I wholeheartedly despise...especially the one on advice to women about sex and the way to a man's heart. Taking what I could use and leaving the rest has helped. On my run yesterday, his advice was to recognize what ...

I love the smarts I have in my area of expertise. My business has slowly and steadily grown over the last 24 years....luck and hard work. I attempt to keep myself up-to-date with the latest and greatest and I rely heavily on the past to populate the work related conversations that arise both in business and socially. I enjoy terms like optimal demographics, increased ROI, advanced data  analytics  and multi-channel marketing. Professional fortitude does not necessarily translate into personal confidence. The tools needed to foster that are much more complex and far more elusive. The book The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz, was the start of a new way of thinking that has helped encourage basic change in how I feel.  Number 2 - Don’t take anything personally, was huge!! In addition to that I try strengthen my relationship with myself and deepen my personal power and self knowledge with the following: 1.     Loving and accepting who we a...

I have a number of different names: Child one: Mum Child two: Momma Child three: Mother Child four: Mommallama Fam of origin: Lin Boyfriend: Cricket Former Boss: LMB Sweet Texan Friend: Miss Linda Too many people: Bitch (the former me) Lots of different names. Lots of different roles. I wear each one separately. My goal is to put them all together and be one person all the time. Consistent, loving, with strong boundaries, empathetic and with a healthy dose of self care. In business and in daily life, my desire is shed all masks and find me...the real me.  After all these years, who the hell am I? I am a mom who isn't needed they way she once was. I was a wife but am no longer one. I am a daughter with no parents, a sister redefining the relationships. A business owner, a girlfriend and a dog owner. A gal with a lot of fears. “While we are all connected, we must face our own challenges alone.” ~Yut Face your inner demons; own your responsibility...

I have great hope for the future. My secret keeper is working to hold onto his mental health. That is helpful to me. Does it mean I want him back. NO. It means my life runs a little easier with less detours to crazytown. But I have gained new strategies and they seem to be working. Between NAMI and Al-Anon, I have set up healthier boundaries. Any talk of harming himself now and I stop the conversation. I hang up. I will not carry that burden for it is not my burden to carry. What I will do is lift that man up in prayer. I will encourage him with my words whenever applicable. I will pray for him a new connection to this world with friendships and fatherhood that he obviously lost a very long time ago. I will pray for him a deep connection to his God, who loves him far more than he can fathom. My future has taken a big detour from where it was headed. I mentioned to my daughter yesterday that I am not sure that I cared for my kids enough as we made our way through this crises. I b...