An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

This is Wayne. Wayne, well educated white male, puts his own face on a giant billboard telling us how he, yes WONDERFUL him, is empowering females to be their best. Is it because he has some women working beneath him and his partner son, allowing them to give exemplary client service?  Is he paying those women an extremely generous salary so they can achieve their dreams?  Or is it that he gives his women clients special advice or a big discount for his unique services?  He likes tooting his own horn that’s for sure. Do we need Wayne to empower us? Did you ask him to empower you? Does he know what our best is? He may, in fact, somehow be empowering females to be “their best” but he missed this one by a mile.   

The other day, the Boy Scout and I Zoomed with our good friend Nancy. It was wonderful. We had been missing her tremendously but the retirement community she lives in is wisely on lock down. I’m glad that she is being well taken care of. The first thing she asks, with a look of frustration on her face, is if I like her hair now. Nancy has a gorgeous head of thick, wavy silvery white hair. It’s stunning! We laughed. We talk of family and books, tv and news, her dog Zoloft who is in great need of a grooming, and just enjoy each other’s company fully. I'm amazed at this woman. She has marched to the beat of her own drum. In the 70's, taking her kids out of school, she drove all over Europe in a van for almost a year. She has scuba'd and was an underwater photographer, ran her own businesses, did skydiving, designed more than one home, is well read and will not suffer a fool. And, in her 90's, she Zoomed like it was nobody's business. Friendship can show up...

As moms, we know our kids will go through hardships. They will have scraped knees, broken ankles, bicycle accidents and worse. As they grow older, their hardships can be much more complex. They will: not get into the college of their (or maybe your) choice, have their hearts broken, have difficulty finding a job and, gasp, maybe have trouble paying rent. It can be so hard to watch without interfering. allowing them the time and privilege to work it all out and, eventually, feel empowered for doing so. This past week was a test in quite a few ways and I would lay it all out right here except for the fact that each "issue" had its own story teller that is not me. My story is learning to be supportive but objective, patient and open, and finally to shut my damn mouth until appropriate (like after being asked for advice). It's true that I have had a great many life experiences waiting to be shared and it is true that I depended tremendously on my mother when she was...

Being a "victim" can be a way of life for many. In our society, we are adept at assigning blame and making excuses for almost anything. Some adopt this coping mechanism because they are uncomfortable with their own anger. There are also those who feel inadequate and swamped by events. Many harbor a childish belief that the world should be fair, using their early helplessness and applying it to the here and now, keeping them paralyzed from making changes in their reactions. Sadly, there are benefits to the role of victim.  Victims often know who to approach to get attention and validation. If they don't receive it from one they easily move to the next person who "understands" their situation.  Victims don't have to take chances. Life happens to them, they don't make life happen. They often avoid big responsibilities. Blaming others instead of taking their own inventory. The victim gets gratification from being "right" when others do ...

This morning, on my walk, I was remembering the complete paralyzing fear I had in those initial days.  I was drowning in it, unable to stop the recording in my head. Witnessing the pain of my poor children as the SWAT team lead my Secret Keeper away, the loss of a good portion of our income and our health insurance, possible loss of my home, dealing with a sick, scary person, the alienation of valued friends, the costs of the impending medical bills, being alone. And then a jolt of shock! I don't live in that place anymore. Those memories have lost their power. The rest of the walk was spent recognizing the beauty around me and the gift of another wonderful day. The dread and anger and hate have all slowly ebbed; replaced by empowerment, understanding and empathy.  Not completely but for the most part. The fear is the hardest part because, as an ACA, it is a part of my very nature, deeply ingrained. But awareness is half the battle because you don't know what you don...

Well, it's done. My first Christmas without my Secret Keeper. I did pretty good and continue to find my gratefulness. I am so very thankful.  Any sadness I felt was minor compared to the gratitude and, overall, very bearable. The kids and I made breakfast Christmas morning and planned a picnic lunch. We took the dog and played a game at the park while eating yummy food. Together, we compiled bags for the homeless that we can carry in our car and restock as we pass them out. Afterwards, we sat in the living room and first went around and told the group what we liked about ourselves. Then we proceeded to tell each person what we admired about them. It was uplifting and so very positive. Each of my young adults put a lot of thought into their words and they honored me with their input on my character. I am so proud of my 4 kids for how they have handled the situation with their father. Each managed it in a way that was right for them and honorable to the world. Each has found a wa...

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds   on  the heel that has crushed it.”  ―  Mark Twain They say that people whose  marriages crumble feel many of the same things that widows and widowers feel. • They feel abandoned by their mate. • They feel alone in their grief. • They feel as if they could have done something to prevent this. • They feel like a marked person. They don’t fit in with normal couples anymore. • They have a lot of unfinished business with their spouse that is now off-limits or has been overshadowed by what has occurred. • They feel terrified of the future. • They feel they should be doing better than they are. Lord, this could not be more true for me.  Although it was me that asked my husband to not return home, it was him that abandoned the family to his addictions of various kinds. The feelings of loneliness are overwhelming. Each of those statements applies to me at any given ti...