An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

My youngest had her graduation ceremony on Friday night. What should have been a time of sweet celebration turned out to be quite bittersweet. As I sit here to write, I feel the ache still. The kids father, of course, wanted to be at the ceremony. The only thing is, he cannot drive at night. At first, my sweet graduate was going to take him up (about 45 minutes from home) bring him back to his sober living house and then go back up to enjoy the parties with her classmates. I was making the trip myself and did not want to spend an hour both ways in the car with him alone. It would be very uncomfortable for me and maybe it would be for him too....I don't know. But I also wanted her to have a fun, free evening. She worked hard for this night. Last minute my Denver girl decided to fly in and she solved the whole thing by driving her dad up and back. My Boy Scout ended up getting the night off too, so I had a cohort in my journey up and down. After the ceremony, which included ea...

My youngest is still in school and working a good amount at a clothing store called The Loft. She was at work on Saturday night when she noticed a middle aged man walking around the store. He approached her and  quietly asked if he could speak to her. She said “Sure” and the gent proceeded to tell her that another woman’s clothing store there at the outlet mall had denied him the ability to try on some clothing. He informed her that he is transgender would like to try a few things on. She noticed he was nervous, his hands were shaking. She hesitated for a second, then went to check who was working the dressing room, She guided the man over and informed her coworker, “My friend here would like to try on these pieces.” She wanted to respect how he presents but was unsure of the proper pronoun. She took him to a dressing room and let him know that she and her coworkers were there to get other sizes if needed. He thanked her and then showed her a picture of himself in full make up. It...

I am truly proud of how hard I worked to ensure, to the best of my ability, that my four children did not spend the rest of their lives angry at their father. It was not easy at first, as I was so angry and hurt,  but eventually I recognized that my deepest desire was that they did not have to be angry on my behalf. And as we went through the process of coming to terms with the situation, the five of us encouraged compassion and empathy within each other. I’d love to hear something that you are proud of. 

Today I got a few things done and feel a sense of accomplishment. They were little things, nothing big.  I installed a toilet paper holder. Went to Lowe’s for a 5/16 drillbit because that ended up somewhere else in the divorce. Dug through MY easy access tool drawer for the necessary tools. I used anchors with the screws so the thing doesn't fall off in a month. I checked for level and VOILA, done.    Then I raised the picture that hangs in the guest room. My walls are 80 year old lath and plaster which means if you are not careful you can cause a crack that starts in one spot and keeps on going till it feels good and ready to stop. Using some support tape, I drilled pilot holes, inserted anchors and screws and rehung a little higher. blocked by armoire Truth be told, there was a time I resented the Boy Scout for not being a handyman type but he has his good qualities and I’d rather hang a picture than cook any day...

Yesterday was Fathers Day here in the US. My father has been gone a good many years now. My kids father is no longer a prevalent part of my life and the Boy Scout is not a dad. So Fathers Day was just another day.  We took a ride and ended up in two small towns; Arroyo Grande and San Luis Obispo. San Luis Obispo is home to a top ranking state university, California Polytechnic State University - San Luis and what is commonly referred to as Cal Poly.  San Luis is an adorable little college town with fun and funky shops and lots of good food. It was a nice day with some lovely sunshine and good company. While on our excursion I got a couple of texts and found out that my girls were spending the day with their dad. Very sweet. They all went to church together and then spent some time down at the beach. It is, and has always been, one of his favorite places. So glad they got to spend some special time together. For a few moments, after getting the texts, I got ...

Lunch with my youngest girl yesterday provided one of those moments where your heart breaks and melts at the same time. The feeling of pride and regret can live simultaneously in the moment but the combination had us both in tears.  We were discussing her dinner the previous night with my oldest girl and their dad (the Secret Keeper). They had planned ahead and my girl had texted him to reinforce where dinner was but he ended up in the wrong place again. They finally got him to the correct restaurant and had a nice dinner but she expressed to me that he was just a little off. Medications for mental illness are powerful, necessary and not always user friendly. He tries so hard to be that goofy, joking and loving father that once was so easy for him but is work, very hard work these days.  As she and I talked, we both recognized that his effort made us feel pity.....and how pity doesn't help anyone!!!  I never want to be pitied and feel certain that there are better ways...

It's another beautiful day in Southern California.   I ran into an old friend. We were "bench buddies" when our kids were small. We would meet before school got out and chat until the kids showed up. During that period of time of our lives, her husband, who had been a married couples co-leader with her in church, had an affair and had decided he needed to leave her and the kids in order to start a new life and be "happy". I remember at the time, I gave her advice from the small child in me who had deeply desired to have a relationship with my father. I suggested that the best thing she could do for her little ones was to, somehow, learn how to be civil with her ex and his new wife (who just happened to be their pastor’s unmarried daughter). I didn’t say forgive or become friends as those were concepts beyond my ability to fathom.  My friend ended up losing her marriage, her church home and a number of friends but she followed my advice. Since then, as ...

Tonight I saw a good movie with a touching ending. Sitting in my seat filled with a happy exuberance, recognizing that the human spirit is an amazing thing. As I left the theater, I was suddenly overcome with a feeling of aloneness. Not having someone to talk to about what I had just seen and observing the many couples exiting with their heads together, talking quietly or in comfortable silence, I felt empty. Getting into the car, the tears flowed.   But, I stayed in the moment, not thinking about the "if only's" or the "should have beens". Leaving the STORY alone. Allowing  all the feelings to wash over me and then slowly subside. Finally, I started the car and headed home. Thankfully, these episodes are getting a little further apart and shorter in duration.  Just like the movie I enjoyed tonight, I felt Pride.