An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

 Vai. E, se der medo, vai con medo mesmo. When one is raised in an angry family, it’s not enough to say I don’t want to be angry. You must learn how to do it differently. That’s no easy task. If judgment and self hatred became a way of life, a new way to live has to be taught. There are many ways to do it. Reading, writing, sharing, practicing all help the change. Counseling, psychoanalysis, religion, meditation, gratitude, have the ability to transform but I needed to see it in action, it needed to be more tangible, visual, accessible. I needed to understand the possibilities. There is a YouTube channel that I watch over and over again in order to absorb how to live more fully, more open and from the heart. One of the first episodes that I stumbled on is this…. The channel is Reflections of Life and through it we get to meet people who are doing life a little differently, often more soul based. People who are living life, healing wounds and finding what is truly important.  I...

My man has had a lot of growth recently. In the past he was known to others as a personable guy with a ready story or joke that frequently danced on the edge of impropriety, often the life of the party. He could easily be the loudest person in the room with his deep, rich voice that has soft hints of butter. If he sang, it would be a strong bass. He does sing but only to me. He could also be a little cocky and would put people in their place with a dry wit that could singe. A person might be hurt but Boy Scout would do it with a smile and a joke. Many times he got off the hook for his comments because it would almost make the other person look overly sensitive to react.  Today, at school, his professor pulled him aside and said she needed to speak to him. He cringed inside, wondering what off-color thing he might have said, who he might have unintentionally insulted. She quietly said that she noticed that he has a good rapport with most of the other students and that one of them, J...

I miss the taut skin under my chin and the girl with the smooth complexion. I also miss the lovely, reddish brown hair that was smoother than it is today and the flat belly. Yes, I loved that flat belly. But that is just about all I miss. Yes, that is it. I love this lady that no longer lives in self doubt, who tries to live in the moment. We see the beauty in every sunrise and every sunset. Shame no longer is the driver of this vehicle. The fear of “not enough” rarely shows up.  In looking I the mirror this morning I see a warm smile, eyes wrinkled with sweet familiarity and hear, “Hello old friend, what are we going to do today? Where can we love?”

Thirty years ago I was 9 months pregnant and ready to burst. I had been hoping the baby would come quickly because I was shortly leaving 29 and wasn't overly thrilled with the idea of turning 30 while gigantic and waddling all over the place. That child obliged by showing up on the 9th! By the time the 14th arrived I was back down to a 125lbs, albeit a little on the pouchy soft side, and ready to get back into shape. I turned 30 without a waddle. The little baby the doctor laid in my arms and said, "Beam me up Scotty" when he heard the name we had picked, presented as a boy child and it wasn't until 27 years later that she either figured out or had the courage to state her true self. Honestly, my intuition knew something was up but this world had taught me to ignore that so I waited and watched. She has her big 30 today and I have my big 60 in a few. Both of us are feeling mixed emotions about these milestones but both of us will find our way.  Our way to happiness, c...

Over time, little by little, the ACA promises are coming true for me. Promise #4  - Our ability to share intimacy will grow inside us. Slowly, as healing takes place, as I learn to love and value who I am, Promise#4 comes true. A life long desire to connect and a life long confusion as to what was wrong with me that prevented connection, left me feeling rudderless. I could not figure out why other people where able to make friends...not acquaintances but true friends, the kind you do life with, the kind that you help each other through the hard times, and I remained fairly friendless.  I would try but, more often than not, it turned out to be really strange people who lacked boundaries or were extremely controlling or overtly judgmental.  These days I do not feel rudderless but nor do I feel desperate for companionship. I am developing a few solid friendships with people that are pretty healthy themselves. I'm not looking for perfection but I am staying away fro...

 UPDATE: I am still fairly deaf. No complications that I am aware of. No pain. For three days it sounded like I was in a giant drainage pipe where sounds were muffled and then echoed around inside my head. That was frustrating and disconcerting. I became overwhelmed easily and was more comfortable in the quiet and alone. I attending one meeting of which I am the secretary. Before it began I leaned over to the Boy Scout and said, in what I thought was a whisper, “Can you tell me when it’s my turn to make announcements?” He looked at me, the guy next to him looked at me, and BS start laughing, then a little harder, then a full on belly laugh. Apparently, the meeting had already started and I just talked right over the guy leading it. Poor guy, I caught him of guard. Ah well, it was nice I could laugh too or, at least, not take offense at how funny my husband thought I was, with little to no effort on my part. The echos are gone and I am immensely grateful for that. Healing continues....

I set this blog up, almost 9 years ago, to vent, share, work out the life I was living. A recently broken marriage of 30 years, a mom whose kids were now adults, a woman starting over, a person reckoning with her inner family, getting ready to heal. Lately I've found that I don't have a ton to say and have thought about abandoning this blog I have come to love.  Maybe I just need to reinvent it.  I am no longer my problems, I am my answers. I am not my hurts, I am more resilient. Not so much a victim, which is how my inner teenager got her needs met, but more a gal learning to stand on her own two feet, learning to ask for help without manipulation and finding that inner peace is far preferable over inner fear and dread of what might come next. Fun and fascinating....growing up at 59. So, I would like to introduce what got me started.......... Sunday, September 21, 2014 To Start I've decided that weekends are too long. How does one adjust from being a wife of 29 years to be...

My life was once ruled by fear. Fear of being found out, failing, embarrassing myself, being unworthy and most importantly, of being abandoned. That was not created in a vacuum but rather cut open by my dad, who couldn't love himself, and then slashed open again by the Secret Keeper who tried but couldn't keep up the facade of being OK. When the Boy Scout and I got together we were what is often called "The Walking Wounded". Not that either of us was aware but it was true just the same. Abandonment, rages, false selves and emotional turmoil were a constant.....until we learned there was a better way.  Now I know that I can do better and I refuse to abandon myself. The other day we sat in an automobile line for COVID testing. While we waited, he read to me from The Brothers K. We are nearing the end and aside from a few bits that were added in that seem wholly unnecessary, I have loved it. As my man sat and read, his deep, lovely voice squeezed with emotion, moisture i...

This was my very first blog post 6 years ago today. I started it because I couldn't figure out how to move forward. I hadn't learned to breathe. *********    To Start I've decided that weekends are too long. How does one adjust from being a wife of 29 years to being alone? Slowly and compassionately I guess. Slowly, because it is hard to fill so many hours that once belonged to a married couple. Waking, planning and falling asleep alone. Movies, shopping, travel and beach clean-ups were once done with my partner.....now I'm looking for others to fill that spot or go alone or maybe try to go but then just sit in my car feeling anxious, eating a meal alone and then returning home.  Work is a balm....time spent not thinking, just doing. Compassionately, because these feelings are okay, right?  I'm allowed to take this time to mourn what I have lost, grieve the hole my heart, adjust my dreams and try to move forward. Having a good cry when Carly Simon sings Coming Aroun...

I am developing a sweet, tender relationship with a younger gal who has become precious to me.  In our walk through life, we are occasionally offered the opportunity to be incredibly real, letting down the protective devices formed as children. I have a lot of those protections. My friend and I are both on a healing journey and we are doing a portion of that journey together.  Grateful that I am ready for this, dealing with past pains and taking responsibility for the things I have done that have harmed others, being vulnerable, being utterly honest and know that there will be no judgement.  I do this with some unease but with joy.  1, 2, 3.....here we go......

I am reading a book called Motherless Daughters. So far, I find it is touching parts of me that I have tidily put away. I wasn't a child when I lost my mother but the child inside of me still needed her. That part that couldn't quite grow up, that piece that didn't trust the world or herself. I think of some of my friends who lost their mothers young or whose mothers were not able to be mothers for whatever reason and I ache for them even though, a few in particular, are incredibly strong women; far more well adapted for this world than I am. I remember my sister telling me that when a friend asked her about her family, she, without any forethought and with utter surprise, said, "I am an orphan". She was 55 and 57 when my parents died. I still miss my mom, 10 years on, but through counseling and ACA and healing, I don't sit in it and feel like I need her to come save me, hold me and comfort me in my pain. Now I miss her dear friendship and one of the few ...

When we love ourselves it is so much easier to love others and that love for others becomes far richer, possibly with less conflict. Giving myself a break for failing, coming up short or simply for being human frees me up from judging other so harshly. It's a hard thing to do and it does not happen magically. I've started in that direction by doing a number of things: Regularly attend ACA meetings, rubbing elbows, expressing my feelings and, most importantly, listening to the people who are on a similar journey. Reading material that helps me understand myself better, uncovering the scars to allow healing. Putting reminders on my wall, in my podcasts, and fill my ebook library with affirmations. Reevaluating the health of my relationships and why I hold on if they are not all that healthy. Following bloggers that show a tremendous amount of self love. Making apologies to myself when I fail. Thinking before I speak. Being present and enjoying the moment. I'...

Yesterday was Fathers Day here in the US. My father has been gone a good many years now. My kids father is no longer a prevalent part of my life and the Boy Scout is not a dad. So Fathers Day was just another day.  We took a ride and ended up in two small towns; Arroyo Grande and San Luis Obispo. San Luis Obispo is home to a top ranking state university, California Polytechnic State University - San Luis and what is commonly referred to as Cal Poly.  San Luis is an adorable little college town with fun and funky shops and lots of good food. It was a nice day with some lovely sunshine and good company. While on our excursion I got a couple of texts and found out that my girls were spending the day with their dad. Very sweet. They all went to church together and then spent some time down at the beach. It is, and has always been, one of his favorite places. So glad they got to spend some special time together. For a few moments, after getting the texts, I got ...

The Camino is calling me again. It has whispered my name for 15 years or more. 5 years back, when I has finally got more serious about the undertaking, my family went through a metamorphosis of sorts, I realized it just wasn't the time. Kids were still at home and home life was chaotic at best. Then I met the Boy Scout and was just concentrating on healing and enjoying life in a way I never had. Not a perfect life but a far better one that I had been living for the best part of 10 years; one with friends and outings with people I enjoyed. Waking up everyday knowing that I no longer had to live with the insanity that had become "normal" to me. The Boy Scout and I have had our ups and downs. I am growing and healing old scars and dealing with new ones in a healthier way. I've got a long way to go but I am thrilled to be headed in the right direction. Al-Anon, Adult Children of Alcoholics, a great counselor and some excellent support from family and friends have p...

On my calendar is the recurring post, "This is the day my life started over". Today is it. Two years ago today I began a journey of a lifetime. I would deny it to no one or, at least, no one with their eyes as tightly closed as mine.  When I mentioned the calendar post to my oldest she was silent. I knew.....the entry brings on conflicting emotions for both of us. My life did start over, with a struggle, anger, heartache, fear and so much hard-assed work....more work than I've ever done before. But as hard as I've worked to get to this point in my journey, it seems paltry compared to the work the Secret Keeper has to put in daily just to keep walking on this planet. I cannot change that but feel it's necessary to mention it as I cannot be grateful for where I am without recognizing the cost and it's implications on those around me. There is still far to go to real healing and serenity but I went through some fire and have come out on the other-side bette...

Today, I wish each and every one of you love, grace and gratitude. My journey to healing began with gratitude…..a daily effort to reverse my thought process and just find little things to be grateful for. Anything at all: sometimes just a ray of sunshine or a farty little dog. It doesn't matter what....only when and if. With love, grace and gratitude in place, all the other things seem to come easier. Learning to; disagree without ugliness, have boundaries and being able to express them, love others but not give yourself completely away, have a wonderful conversation or act of love instead of buying shit and, especially, learning to allow others to grow at their own pace. I’ve such a long, long way to go.

Life is good....there is always, always, always something to be grateful for. Knowing that in your head and keeping it in your heart are two different things. As this lesson becomes imprinted upon my heart, my blog changes its nature. Slowly, it shifts focus from the heartache to the blessings. At the onset, I needed this place to think things through, to connect with people with similar struggles, to document my brokenness and, hopefully, to see progress. More time goes by between entries as I reach higher for the whole person God intended. Without my High Power, I flounder. Without His mercy, this girl would still be raging and causing harm in this world. The past may have been painful, but it is gone now and the time to create a better future is here. I found the following to be helpful in every day life, not just when there is substance abuse present. Accept what is.  While it is understandable to wish things were different, know that you are not alone, that family subs...

A few days have passed since I last blogged.  I would love to think that's because I am busy living life and healing and being positive.  I was busy trying. Bringing out Xmas boxes, while necessary, was hard. As was attempting to string hundreds of light strands in the yard alone.  Well not completely alone. I had a little help but her lack of opposable thumbs was much less a hindrance than the unexpected and much needed rain that lightly misted me for awhile. Eventually the rain decided it was serious; at which time, all of us (moist boxes, two cats, one dog and a frizzy haired woman) made a mad dash for cover. Escaping from the turmoil in my head, the car and I headed over to a "Meetup" that was suppose to be a movie and dinner with 14 strangers. My car and I sat in the parking lot and waffled back and forth. Finally the car won and drove away with me in it. NO movie and NO dinner. That's OK. It's not a failure....it's just life right now and it ...

I was reading something about never being able to find peace as long as one harbors resentments. Sometimes I feel like I have that under control and then, suddenly, I'll feel consumed by them. Tonight I was dealing with text messages designed to manipulate and get a reaction. Well, he got that for sure. Resentment on steroids! The advice was to lift up your resented person in prayer. Makes sense, so here goes: Lord, heal his mind and give him peace. Heal his body and let him know that you are near. Allow him to realize his needs and give him comfort in his loss. Lead him Lord, because he is unable to do so himself. Surround him with people who love You and truly care for his recovery Amen and amen. 

I now understand that the confluence of emotions I have been feeling the last 10 weeks are completely normal. What a relief. Feeling pity and anger, hopeful and devastated from moment to moment left me bewildered. Having my children look at me quizzically when I repeatedly contradict myself. Knowing the right thing one moment and being ruled by emotion the next. The following paragraphs were very helpful to me. Betrayal is an interpersonal trauma which shatters assumptions about how we view life and the people close to us. Shattered assumptions leave us feeling as though our reality has been blown apart. When we are betrayed our feelings alternate between a sense of numbness and feelings of disbelief. We feel victimized and our lives seem to be out of control. As you try to unscramble what has happened to you, both your thoughts and actions may spin out of control. You’re likely to become more obsessive, dwelling on your partner’s lies, the details of the betrayal and the even...