An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

When I got married the first time I used my best magical thinking when contemplating the future. Does everyone do that? Do most women imagine they will be on the winning side of the 40 to 50 % that fall to pieces? They must or why would they do it? We are visiting our little town Ventura. I’ve driven by the homes that the Secret Keeper and I lived in, raised our children, spent decades trying to be on the 50 to 60% that make it, trying to have the life I dreamed of. Looking back now, there was never truly a chance. Just like so many other people, I didn’t have the proper tools I needed and the Secret Keeper had even less than me.  I go inside myself for just awhile and there is a sadness but it is more nostalgic than grief. Still now if I am asked who I am, a mother of 4 terrific humans comes to mind before partner, business owner, daughter and sister. But these days seeker might show up before mother. I am definitely more introspective, trying to figure out what makes me me. And, ...

As I reflect on Christmas day, a few things come to mind. There was a incident that was so very uncomfortable, and I handled it pretty damn good, not perfectly but really well. And even better, when I saw a text that seemed to judge my behavior, I stayed present and did not absorb that person's opinion of the incident. I remained true to myself and gave myself a big pat on the back. Well done chica. I think it showed growth and for that I am grateful. In addition to that, the Secret Keeper came for the dinner that my sweet Boy Scout lovingly prepared. It was easy and fairly light hearted. The conversation was fine. Perhaps a little more gossipy than I would have liked but really OK. The food was great and the kids got to be with their dad, whom they love dearly. I’d say a big win. When I see him, I no longer think of what happened between us. I just feel a little sad and now that I know how to feel sad instead of shoving down or throwing it onto someone else, it worked out alr...

She stands there on the corner in her London Fog jacket. A jacket that would be stylish on some but not on her. It’s wrinkled, dirty and looks like she may have soiled herself. She waits to cross the street which tells me she has enough self awareness to know to stop on the red light. It’s early and perhaps she is not had time to get what she wants more than anything else. She has a name but I don’t know it. I’m an observer and to be honest, she frightens me a bit. She is twitching, twitching, twitching….   The telltale signs are all there. Her shoulders raise and drop, raise and drop, raise and drop. Her elbow spasmodically reaches out to the left as if trying to push someone away again and again. Her hair, her hair looks like a rats nest. She probably just woke and exited the park to start her day. I wonder what it’s like to be her, to walk in her shoes. Does life feel hopeless? Is survival the primary driving force? Does anyone love her or worry for her safety, her well bei...

The Secret Keeper, otherwise known as my ex-husband, texted to asked for some help with his retirement account last week.  I obliged because he keeps pretty good boundaries these days and it doesn’t hurt me to help once in a while.  I had emailed him the information he needed and a few days later I texted just to make sure he had gotten it. I didn’t hear back. A day or two later I texted again with a second “heads up” but nothing in return. I asked my girls if they had heard from him, just to make sure he was OK. They hadn’t heard anything either Tonight, he called, telling me he has been sick. Thinking he had the flu, I asked a few questions. As it turns out it was not the flu. He was shaking. This has happened before in differing degrees from mild to unbelievable. He’s on a lot of meds...A LOT.  For blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, bi-polar disorder, anxiety and anything else that I am not aware. All that being administered by a mentally ill man. I hardl...

The Secret Keeper sent this the other day and I had a good cry. I already knew. I already knew I was his anchor to this planet. This broken man who is trying to stay sober and not always successfully.  He’s working a program and working on his relationships with the kids but every once in awhile I get something like this. I know he is lonely and sees no future for himself beyond renting a room somewhere for the rest of his life. I feel sad and a lot of GUILT even though it’s not my responsibility. It just hurts but these days I’m figuring out how to feel those feelings. Just sit with them.

I think I may have mentioned that long before the Secret Keeper got sick he was an incredible father. Engaged and loving, he worked hard at doing the right thing with our kids. He played games, told stories, said prayers, attended all sporting events, brushed their teeth, soothed their tears, etc, etc, etc. Basically, he was pretty amazing. That was a long time ago and now he is trouble. Big trouble. How I ache for my kids to have had this wonderful dad and now are forced to think about his health, mental and physical, living arrangements, and now, court dates. The two boys know a little of what happened but they don't ask questions so I don't bring it up. I am sure the distance makes that easier. My oldest is doing some incredible self care which means she involves herself when it is healthy for her to do so. My youngest is walking a path of self discovery and learning boundaries. It is a intricate dance that may be years of learning and, most probably, pain. I know littl...

Thanksgiving was always mine. A person has to fight for the holidays when there are six siblings, but this holiday is my favorite. No pre Thanksgiving shopping and stress, just get together and enjoy the company. When my life fell apart I lost it to another sibling. I was preoccupied with 4 grieving children, a mentally ill man with few boundaries and my own despair. I was busy selling and packing and learning to breathe again. Unable to sleep or eat, just getting to holidays was a triumph. This year the Boy Scout took back my holiday and is running with it full force. Our little 800 sq ft house will be packed to overflowing 9 days. I cannot wait!!!! We will have at least 20 adults and 4 little ones. Woohooo! We are considering asking the Secret Keeper to come too. Not truly knowing what is best for him, it is hard to guess what the right thing to do. I loathe the idea of him being alone on this holiday and I despise the idea that my kids will feel guilt for choosing one over ...

WORD FOR THE DAY Darkness deserves gratitude. It is the alleluia point at which we learn to understand that all growth does not take place in the sunlight. JOAN CHITTISTER Trying hard to hold on to this today.   The Secret Keeper is in the hospital. You may think that now that we are divorced that it’s not a big deal…not my problem. In a way, perhaps…  But my girls are left dealing with an extremely ill father. All the years we try to protect our kids from the reality of a very harsh world. All the time spent building a life that is moving towards goals of college educations, decent jobs and lives of their own. Somehow, you don’t think that will include you daughter sending you a picture of a little plastic packet that looks like it contains grains of sugar. If only it was sugar. If only it was salt meant for the hardboiled egg that was packed for a mid-morning snack at a stable job that is, if not enjoyable, at least supplying a livable wage....

I was talking with the Boy Scout about an incident that happened before he came along. I'm not proud of it but it felt good to admit it to someone even if he didn't understand the weight of it. After the Secret Keeper finished with rehab in Vegas, he flew home to Burbank airport.  I drove the hour long drive to pick him up in anxiety and anger. Was I mad...what an understatement. My entire world had been turned upside down and it was all I could do to remember to eat on occasion. The craziness I had lived in before his rehab was a practice run to my life for the 8 weeks while he was gone. The phone calls, the constant feeling of disorientation, the shock at each new revelation and the bewilderment of the actions of an addict.    How could I have not seen the world from his point of view too? Why was I unable to realize that everything he knew had been smashed? How could I have been so selfish? The idea makes me feel slightly ill now. And without my counselor...

The Christmas holiday came and went but was loaded with special moments. Christmas Eve found me, quite surprisingly , at church with three of my four kids (I missed that fourth greatly but she was taking care of what she needed to take care of). My boys both have fairly skeptical views of religion in general, which I respect, but I tremendously enjoyed getting to share my church community with them, even for just an hour. The kids spent the morning with their dad so the Boy Scout and I took it easy with a beautiful walk on the beach. The weather was amazing.  We talked about the year past, our hopes for the coming year, the idea of having a New Year's resolution and a variety of other subjects. Back at the house by noonish, the Boy Scout went full speed ahead with an amazing amount of energy putting together a dinner for 9. The dinner was incredible with: Rack of Pork with chutney sauce Potatoes and Squash au gratin Green Beans with Wine and Shallots Warm Beet ...

Office Christmas party tonight.  All I can say about that is that it is wonderful to be going and feeling normal. Last year the Boy Scout came with me but there was still a lot of pain from the previous couple of years and forgiveness remained a stumbling block. Forgiving the Secret Keeper, some of the people attending the party and, above all, myself. This year I do not have to worry about whether my partner will show up or how he will be acting when he does. I will not be sitting next to my spouse and wondering if anyone else in the room feels as confused and desperately lonely. Tonight I don't have to question if the rest of my life was going to remain exactly the same and if I could ever learn to be happy with the situation.  Now I know it was my job to be happy in spite of the situation. I had, with the help of a special friend, started on that journey even before the Secret Keeper left but I had quite a ways to go. Resentments took up too much space in my head. Th...

What a perfect weekend!  Saturday golf with a new friend in beautiful Southern California (mid 80's and a light breeze), an art showing right after and a easy Sunday with the farmers market, a little companionable yard work, a fabulous dinner and a Broncos game to top it off. As I am writing this, it is not lost on me that just two 1/2 years ago I was living in utter chaos. I felt trapped, angry and sad most of the time. What a difference a year or two makes. I have to tell you though, it is not just the Boy Scout that has made the difference. He is amazing and I feel incredibly blessed to have him in my life but he did not cause the change. I would not be able to enjoy any of this new life without putting in a lot of hard work in Al-Anon and counseling. The hardest part of remaking my life has been a day in and day out attempt at changing default thinking. The natural tilt I had developed to the negative...the underlying anger and hurt that controlled the way I reacted ...

Lunch with my youngest girl yesterday provided one of those moments where your heart breaks and melts at the same time. The feeling of pride and regret can live simultaneously in the moment but the combination had us both in tears.  We were discussing her dinner the previous night with my oldest girl and their dad (the Secret Keeper). They had planned ahead and my girl had texted him to reinforce where dinner was but he ended up in the wrong place again. They finally got him to the correct restaurant and had a nice dinner but she expressed to me that he was just a little off. Medications for mental illness are powerful, necessary and not always user friendly. He tries so hard to be that goofy, joking and loving father that once was so easy for him but is work, very hard work these days.  As she and I talked, we both recognized that his effort made us feel pity.....and how pity doesn't help anyone!!!  I never want to be pitied and feel certain that there are better ways...

It's my birthday and a good time to reflect back just two 1/2 short years ago. What I remember most is fear. After the cops came and the SWAT team came and the Secret Keeper yelled and screamed at me, the kids and the cops, from the roof of the building.....fear became my constant sidekick.  First and foremost, I feared the Secret Keeper. Looking back now, I think it was inappropriate but maybe not....but he did scare me then. I worried for my kids’ emotional well being...and whether they would question the choices I made. My job was somewhat inter-connected with the Secret Keepers and it felt precarious (it was not, but the voices in my head didn't agree). I worried about judgment from our community and how that judgment would affect both me and the kids. The idea that my financial future was partially in control of a very mentally sick man kept my stomach in twists so that eating and sleeping were impossible. Something I have learned since then was that I was ...

Loving life these days. Working my program and feeling fairly calm and peaceful. The relationship with my Boy Scout keeps moving forward in a special way and my relationship with the Secret Keeper has taken a new, softer path. The Boy Scout continues to challenge me to communicate better, fight fairly and rebuild trust. Additionally, in a unique way all his own, he challenges my need to make everyone around me behave in a certain way so that I can feel safe. I have learned to keep my mouth shut on occasion....what a novel idea! The black and white has turned a little grayer. The Secret Keeper continues to teach me about forgiveness, empathy and the reconstruction of relationships. As he tries to rebuild a life for himself while battling a pretty severe mental illness, I learn to not take offense when feeling manipulated and, with some ease, love the man that still desires to be a good dad. Sometimes, if I feel that heavy weight on my chest that makes it hard to breath, ...

Do you ever ask yourself, "What the hell am I doing?"?  Do you ever think I am scared and I don't know why but it hurts and I just don't know what to do about it? Life with my Secret Keeper was so  up and down, so damn crazy, lonely and just plain shitty so much of the time. I'm not proud of it but I know I am not the only one who ever followed a loved one to see what they were actually doing. Who sat outside their work to see how much time lapsed between leaving and walking through the front door. After realizing how big his problem really was, I spent hours and hours and HOURS sifting through his credit card statements and phone bills, calling number after number to see if the person answering was a woman or a drug connection (as if I could tell once they answered). Counting literally hundreds and hundreds of text messages per month for over 15 months to see which ones he called the most. Did you know that if you type in the right phone number from your phone...

Clearly it started young; my need to control what goes on around me. Unknowingly, a child makes a decision that affects ones entire life. An adaptation, an adjustment in the way one thinks that makes each day just a little bit more bearable.  Life is scary, so scary....everyday feels a little unsure and insecure.  A father walks out, without looking back. Food was scarce occasionally, house payments and rent were often late. Who can you count on, if not your father? One starts to build on that feeling, to find ways to cope, to make it feel better. I did that by thinking that no one is going to control me, that I would not count on anyone, be ultra independent. But in truth, the emotional needs were tremendous....so much so that the people around just could not measure up. Each person in my sphere needed to behave a certain way in order to make me feel OK. My poor Secret Keeper....already a people pleaser, already ill-adapted to a healthy emotional life, tried so hard. He re...

The subject of fear has come up before. It has been given way more time in my brain than should be allowed. Why does this happen? Because it still rules many of my reactions. Just when I think I'm doing better, then comes a challenge and a realization that there is still a very long way to go. Learning is lifelong but does it have to be so painful? A counselor has shed some light on the situation. The out of control feeling hits, it may be something fairly small but enough to tie a little knot in my stomach. Depending on whether I recognize it for what it is, it could just dissipate. But often times the Fight or Flight response hits. At that time, the rational me goes out the window and what I am left with is the little girl, sitting on the floor of the station wagon, parents in front and 5 siblings arranged in the back according to status, the oldest getting the windows. The trailer attached to the back of the wagon holds at least three motorcycles and 3 or 4 bicycles. My s...

So, the holidays are here. The second without my Secret Keeper. The first is a blur. I remember putting lights up with the company of my frenchie and two cats. I remember going to get a tree and a huge family fight. I remember the pain and the sleepless nights. Christmas Day was precious and unique and sweet and achingly lonely and sad all at the same time. It's still a little hard. There's an ache where my gratitude is suppose to be.  The beloved rituals built over a lifetime bring a sadness that doesn't want to go away just yet. My Secret Keeper was always heavily involved in this process. There was a time when it was all six of us. How I loved those years when each item removed from the boxes evoked a memory of an event or a special loved one. It has slowly dwindled as the kids lost interest or went off to school; now it's just me.  Three trips to storage to get the xmas boxes out. I don't have room for even a third of it. I'll take this time to thin thing...

Some days I am surprised at the aloneness I can feel when doing something I once loved.  Today, while puttering in my new garden, I was overwhelmed by a sense of loneliness. You know the kind I mean? The kind that starts in your gut, sort of uncomfortable, and then starts to twist so tightly that it pulls on your heart until it aches and then presses on your chest until breathing becomes harder and harder and you feel the need collapse in a ball; to howl loudly. If only it wasn't so socially unacceptable, if only it didn't worry my loved ones; I'd have done it and it felt as if, once it started, it might not stop for a good long while. Once the feeling passed and I returned to my task, it was good for me to reflect that, although the last 5 or so years had been very tough and the last year and a half fairly unbearable, that even when times were not great, my Secret Keeper and I had companionable times in the garden.  We bounced ideas off each other and we worked together...