An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

Isn’t life funny? For the first time in my 58 years I feel connection. I have a couple of dear friends of my heart and a sweet, younger friend that has walked side by side with me in our healing process. There is a small group of ladies I truly enjoy. I have fallen in love with my neighbors and the feeling of belonging that has come with the blooming friendships is fresh and wonderful. And then there is Nancy, our 95 year old friend, with whom saying goodbye would be so very hard. I’ve watched as the Boy Scout has also learned what it is to be honest and vulnerable. He is more and more setting aside his ego for something better.  As we face this coming change, I am clinging to what I have here in this tiny house. Not the things but true kinship. My mantra shall be, “Remain open to the possibilities”.  Perhaps if I say it enough, I will eventually feel it in my heart.

ACA wasn't my first walk with 12 Steps. After hitting my bottom, where I lost my marriage, my home, my security and my dreams, I made my way to an Al-Anon meeting. My hopes were that it would help me to get over my anger. My motivation was that I did not want my kids to lose the father that they knew to mental illness and addiction, only to lose their mom to bitterness and spite. I didn't really go for me. That program took me far enough to find forgiveness for the man but it didn't touch on the guilt and shame I carried for myself. A counselor had been suggesting ACA for a good long while and, finally, my heart opened enough to give it a try. I went once and quickly left. I judged and felt ill at ease and did not go back for a few months. I just wasn't ready. Eventually, my higher power, my conscience, the universe...something kept telling me to get back in there. How I feared it. Feared baring myself to strangers. I went and, after awhile, I was able to openly ...

Holy CRAP!!! Doesn't that just make the most sense? If we don't love and accept ourselves, if we don't find ourselves worthy, how the hell could we walk into a room and expect a complete stranger or a casual acquaintance to do so? How can we join a book club, the PTA or join a group of co-workers heading to have drinks and feel a part of? If the small girl in me rationalized that she was not sufficiently important for her father to bother to be a dad or the woman in me failed to be "enough" in her marriage, how can I expect the next person to love me thoroughly. Loads of work to do and not getting any younger. I'll keep on trying! Gotta love Brene