An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

Discouragement is raining on my parade today. It's ok. I can handle it but I wish it away soon. This dance of being a couple in our late 50's is not an easy one. You would think all the dance lessons we took in the first 50 years would come in handy but, alas, they seem to hinder more than help. I sometimes wonder if I have been just a little too wounded to be able to maintain a healthy coupling. Little things, small reminders of the past, can surprise me. Sort of like being unexpectedly shoved roughly by a stranger, causing an off balance and the grasping of anything for support. The anythings can be a problem. It's not the old rages. Those are mostly gone. But it is still a part of me I don't care for much.  Why can't I relax? Why still so hypervigilant?  Trust. It's all about trust. When will I learn to trust me? All in good time I suppose, so in the meanwhile, how about some patience?

I was and am Saturday's Child. I've been doing what is called "inner child" work. Two years ago I would have scoffed but then I am not the same person I was two years ago. What I know for sure is that I was scared a lot of the time and that those fears, not only made me way too serious, but also seem to control my reactions to things like alcohol use and certain smells and the behaviors of others. Those "reactions" were, on occasion, most unpleasant. I still get scared but it no longer controls me the way it once did. I have learned how to comfort myself, talk myself down, stay in the moment, keep some perspective. Not perfectly but not too shabby either. The other day I came across this video on Healing Your Inner Child: The music is annoying but the message hit home in a way that surprised me. Left me in puddles but feeling pretty good when all was said and done. I was not "unloved" as a child but just like me as a parent, my parents had a tough ...

Life is kind of interesting.  I have been working "my program" to one degree or another for the last 2 1/2 years. There have been times when I thought it was a complete waste of time. When I would finish raging over something, anything.....I would be completely exhausted and filled with shame, guilt, remorse and, most importantly, self loathing. I blamed, coerced and shamed the ones around me too but, inside, it was a complete lack of self love. Don't get me wrong...in between those times I was a pretty decent person, caring for the welfare of others, loving, affectionate, and thoughtful. But those qualities could disappear rapidly when uneasiness or anxiety, that always lurked in the background, flared. Slowly, and I mean slowly, that has changed. I don't know when the tides started turning but they did. The raging has dissipated, the fears have lessened; I have a new perspective. There are times that my fearful thinking kicks in but now I am aware of it ...

Had a wonderful weekend in Huntington Beach CA. The weather was gorgeous and, for the most part, the weekend was smooth sailing. Just have to say how grateful I feel for the shortening duration of the "episodes" that were once a very prominent part of my life. By episodes I mean the time I spent in rage or anger due to the random events that triggered that fear inside of me.  Now it is clear that it was just a voice inside of me saying, "You are NOT enough, you are NOT and will never be enough". Grateful for the knowledge that it  is not true....I am OK. So many people walk this earth being the victim, resenting others for things that they, themselves were responsible for, expecting others to make them happy. They are blind to their own mistakes and shortcomings because it is so much easier to say someone else did it. The 4th and 5th Steps of Al-Anon were the catalyst for drastic changes in my life. They allowed my to take personal stock, forgive my transg...

It's the job of each person to take their life lessons and turn them into good. I was failing at that for a little while. Being angry prevents froward movement. Forgiveness for myself and for others was the key to getting rid of the anger and getting on with a more healthy, happy life. The fourth and fifth step, a fearless moral inventory shared with God and another human being, was the catalyst for the forgiveness. If your struggling, consider it. Keep an open mind and give it a try. Another part of the healing is learning to stop playing mind and word games to achieve the ultimate goal -   Feeling OK . Learning to be able to recognize and express how I am feeling has been invaluable. Hurting doesn't have to turn to rage (although, unfortunately, it still does at times). Fear shouldn't end up in an argument over something unrelated.  Being able to say what I mean and mean what I say makes a big difference in my daily walk. This morning at the golf course was ...