An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

Working was all I could do for awhile. I didn't sleep or eat. I certainly wasn't parenting or reaching out to friends. It was a dark time and I just couldn't find a door or even a cracked window. But I could work and work I did.  I took a client call, a gal I've know very surfacy for decades. She's educated, wise and witty. We talked once every 4 or 5 years, discuss a solution to a problem, and say our goodbyes. This time was different. Maybe she could tell by the tone of my voice. I'm not sure how she knew. but with her sweet, southern drawl she said, "So tell me dear, how ya doin?" I held my breath for a moment, trying to quell the coming downpour, trying to steel myself against the tide. She said something else, with a caring tone, I can't even remember what it was.  I told her I was doing ok. "Come on honey, what's on your heart?", she says. I didn't mean to say it, it was so unexpected. I didn't say my husband's an ad...

When I was 12, a small miracle occurred. Amidst the sadness and turmoil of a family falling apart, struggling to stay in the home and keeping our heads above water, one of my sisters had a baby. He, Thomas, was the first of many nieces and nephews that I had the pleasure of greeting and welcoming into the family but this guy.....this guy brought something with him that had been missing. Hope. I can only speak from my perspective but we all seemed sort of shell shock and sad. Life had been hard, especially for my mother, and things would get harder before they got better but suddenly there was something that brought joy and smiles to all our faces on a daily basis. My sister allowed me babysit that guy and through the years we had many adventures hiking, beach trips, swimming, the zoo, teaching he and his little bro to drive in parking lots. So many good memories. I have no doubt I was not the best babysitter around, my parenting tools were (and still are) questionable, but I did, and d...

In a time full of division, anger and fear, I hope..... "Our children are watching us. They put their trust in us. They're going to be like us." The Chicks-2006 Taking The Long Way Home

While sitting in La Super Rica  yesterday, I watched a young man walking on the sidewalk. There was something not quite right. He leaned to the side as he walked and it almost looked like his shoulder was dislocated. His left arm was very long and kind of dangled. Suddenly, he started loping forward, passing right by another walker going in the same direction. He was in a big hurry. As I scanned forward, I noticed an older gentleman, in a wheelchair, struggling to get out of the street and onto the sidewalk. The corner was wheelchair accessible but the gentleman was not strong enough to get his chair up the ramp. The young man reached the older gent, struggled to get the chair from the street to the sidewalk and went on his way. I could not see that a word passed between the two. Just a moment of caring and decency and, dare I say, being human. ps. La Super Rica is a tiny mexican food stand that it OUTSTANDING and was a favorite of Julia Childs in her later years. She r...

She stands there on the corner in her London Fog jacket. A jacket that would be stylish on some but not on her. It’s wrinkled, dirty and looks like she may have soiled herself. She waits to cross the street which tells me she has enough self awareness to know to stop on the red light. It’s early and perhaps she is not had time to get what she wants more than anything else. She has a name but I don’t know it. I’m an observer and to be honest, she frightens me a bit. She is twitching, twitching, twitching….   The telltale signs are all there. Her shoulders raise and drop, raise and drop, raise and drop. Her elbow spasmodically reaches out to the left as if trying to push someone away again and again. Her hair, her hair looks like a rats nest. She probably just woke and exited the park to start her day. I wonder what it’s like to be her, to walk in her shoes. Does life feel hopeless? Is survival the primary driving force? Does anyone love her or worry for her safety, her well bei...

As you might remember, I am going to see U2 on my 55th birthday. Just reviewing, catching up and remembering why I love them so much.  I’d have a hard time grading my favorite songs but if I did, this one would be in the top five.  I related to its loneliness and lost feeling, I was so incredibly lonely in my marriage those last 7 years. But this song has an underlying hope. Also, if you are lucky enough to listen to it on an excellent stereo the drumming at the end can  be felt in your heart.  Tell me what you think?

Talking about our problems  is our greatest addiction. Break the habit. Talk about your joys. ~Rita Schiano I'm taking a break to brag about my joys. My four young adult children have been amazing through all the struggles in the past couple of years, but especially in the last 13 weeks. Not only have they been incredibly kind and patient as I work through everything (meaning crying, ranting, raving and forgiving too)  but they have also been able to lovingly reach out to their father. They have set pretty good boundaries, bestowed forgiveness and, also, gave their father the space to take responsibility for his actions in his own time. When I compare that to the situation that I was raised in, I am astounded at their maturity level. When my father deserted the family, there were a number of his children (6 in total) that were left angry and hurt. Most of us did not speak to him for a very long time but it definitely affected how I continued to interact with th...

Today I just want to say, "Fuck it all."  I'm feeling thinned skinned and lonely and angry. The thing is, I can say it and that's OK.  Tomorrow will be a better day, but I will embrace these feelings now, let them sink in and sit for awhile.  Afterwards, I'll dig deep for my Grateful. I will reach for encouragement and read for distraction. But today, mental illness is the shits, cheating spouses suck, old friends who think you should be doing better than you are can go soak their heads, family that .......  oh whatever.  I'm going to bed. Tomorrow will be better.

I've decided that weekends are too long. How does one adjust from being a wife of 29 years to being alone? Slowly and compassionately I guess. Slowly, because it is hard to fill so many hours that once belonged to a married couple. Waking, planning and falling asleep alone. Movies, shopping, travel and beach clean-ups were once done with my partner.....now I'm looking for others to fill that spot or go alone or maybe try to go but then just sit in my car feeling anxious, eating a meal alone and then returning home. Work is a balm....time spent not thinking, just doing. Compassionately, because these feelings are okay, right?  I'm allowed to take this time to mourn what I have lost, grieve the hole my heart, adjust my dreams and try to move forward. Having a good cry when Carly Simon sings Coming Around Again and I go back in time when 4 or 5 of us danced around the house together, singing at the top of our voices, so happy.... and then I tell myself, "Th...