An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

Over time, little by little, the ACA promises are coming true for me. Promise #4  - Our ability to share intimacy will grow inside us. Slowly, as healing takes place, as I learn to love and value who I am, Promise#4 comes true. A life long desire to connect and a life long confusion as to what was wrong with me that prevented connection, left me feeling rudderless. I could not figure out why other people where able to make friends...not acquaintances but true friends, the kind you do life with, the kind that you help each other through the hard times, and I remained fairly friendless.  I would try but, more often than not, it turned out to be really strange people who lacked boundaries or were extremely controlling or overtly judgmental.  These days I do not feel rudderless but nor do I feel desperate for companionship. I am developing a few solid friendships with people that are pretty healthy themselves. I'm not looking for perfection but I am staying away fro...

You may have heard that 12 Step programs are based on attraction rather than promotion. I take that as meaning when you need them you will find them. They are not for everyone but, for some, it is a lifeline to a better life. In ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics (or Dysfunction), there is a "Laundry List" of ACA traits that often apply to the adult child. One of them is  #8. We became addicted to excitement . I personally don't think that is an apt description but OK, I'll go with it. For me, it meant that I would choose to get involved, butthurt when something is said, angry at a look that was given or crushed when something was forgotten and I held on to past hurts. I did those things and more. To counter the Laundry List, we have The ACA Promises. 1 . We will discover our real identities by loving and accepting ourselves.      2 . Our self-esteem will increase as we give ourselves approval on a daily basis.      3 . Fear of authority figures and the...

My program is not working. Not today. I've forgotten I am powerless. I've forgotten no expectations. I've turned my back on the idea of turning my life over to my Higher Power.  I've stopped "T.H.I.N.K.ing and thrown the "Q TIP" in the trash. My STEPS are moving backwards.  Tomorrow will be better. 

I am trying to learn peace and happiness in the quiet moments. Staying very busy has been the go to band aid for this broken heart. The quiet, empty house closes in on me, like a separate conscious whispering echos of those good memories that now cause pain and then blasting horrible moments that spike anger and resentment and, dare I say, guilt and shame. Last week, I hit 4 Al-Anon meetings and 2 Nar-Anon. Determined to find my place in the world, I tenaciously seek out my new comfort zone. It's easier than doing the work that I know, ultimately, I must do. Additionally, loneliness has its hold on me....so in those meetings that pain is soothed a day or an hour or until I walk out the door. It just depends. Sunday was hard and I was fighting it tooth and nail. I sat in another parking lot crying and then finally pulled out some those valuable learned lessons and remembered that I was choosing my focus. Slowly, I refocused on gratitude and getting through just this moment  with...

The first sign that the holidays are going to be harder than I thought came today. My sweet girl ruefully asked if we could get the fall boxes out of the attic. Already having missed Halloween, I agreed. Digging those boxes out had never my job, my "secret keeper" routinely did this task without even being asked. Except for the last few years, he always seemed to love the holidays more than me. Venturing into his garage, awkwardly pulling out his very tall ladder, I made my way up. Boxes arranged yearly by him, I had scarcely an idea where to look. Moving a few boxes here and there, noticing that each one bares his horrible penmanship, I lost heart and a deep ache started somewhere in my stomach and it grew, squeezing my breath. Truthfully, I feel so selfish. I want things to feel as normal as possible. Nothing is normal, dreams are gone, promises are broken and I'm a bit consumed with my loneliness. I miss the feeling of someone lovingly touching skin. I miss sharin...