An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

We are eating lunch in a health food restaurant. We are planning out the rest of our day, enjoying the cool weather and the gorgeous rain. He's sitting across from me with his Oregon weather clothing. My previously natty husband now prefers Carhartt shirts (layered for warmth), thick denim pants and boots. Not the fancy expensive boots of his past though. Portland boots. The ones that keep your tootsies dry. We talked of love and friendship, weather, guests, family and holidays. As we sat in the intimate little corner, next to two giant windows, a preschool class walked by. Three and 4 year olds in their rain gear, boots and knit hats all holding on to the rope that began and ended with a teacher. Boy Scout says to me with a big smile, "Look at them".  I look over and noticed the little group of 8 or 9 tots.  He adores children and they return the gift ten-fold.  Not being quite as enamored with them as he is, I  quickly  turned back to see his face tighten and ...

I have to laugh at myself just a little. At the audacity of thinking I would need to choose one job over the other. At my subtle judgment of the people who would, of course, see that I could do the job effectively and efficiently. A shoe in.  As it turns out, another candidate was chosen…..for both jobs. I remain nearly 60, nearly deaf and jobless.  Last night I had to process. Process what I felt, where it hurt and what I was going to do with it.  In the past, what I did was either to turn it on someone else (usually whoever is closest) or inward at myself, or both. It has been second nature to tell myself how unworthy, how ignorant or that I am an imposter.  Truthfully, it took me a good 6 or 7 hours to work through it. I realized I felt seething anger. How I wanted to punch the wall. The thought of job hunting in a cast prevented that. Not angry at anyone in particular (or at least not anyone who deserved it) but more at the situation, feeling impudent, insignific...

My job is ending. I am heartbroken. For two months I have been sending out resumes, even before I knew it was ending, because it had been so slow, and I have received one email back letting me know that I was not selected to move forward.  I am unable to replace my income. My job was so niche that it just doesn't have a place anywhere else in this economy. The boyscout is retired so he is limited on any extra income. We are looking at options but one option does not seem to be staying here. This city is not affordable. I have a good amount of equity built up in this house, equity that would serve me well in a more affordable city. I am angry, so so angry and grieved. All the years of following the rules, giving it my best, being a loyal employee and business owner. I stayed out of debt. I lived well within my means. I've taken 2 vacations in the last 10 years. But it looks like I will be having to walk away from another home that I thought was going to be my last. That's wh...

Is anger enough?  Does anger prove that I am on the right side? Or is it the easy way out? I would argue that anger is just another tool that assures me I am not on the wrong side but doesn't require any more of me than that. A "sort of" let me prove how strongly I feel about this situation. I have disabled my Twitter and Facebook for a number of reasons but one of them being that I found that social media was, for one reason or another, just fomenting my inner rage and not encouraging effective discourse, furthering educating myself and helping me to learn to listen to others with an open mind. Rather it has a habit of telling me what I already believe to be true and that any thinking person will have the same opinion. I'm no expert. In fact, quite the opposite but I am trying. I found that Dr. Robin DiAngelo has many good points about being white in a country where systemic racism is the status quo and how that affects how we, yes all of us, populate our version of ...

I blew it again! The anxiety of a hard situation hit. I tried but failed to get the message across in a healthy way and, in the end, it was a blow up. Things were said, words were weapons, dogs fought and I reacted much more than poorly than I can say. Attempting self talk this morning: You made a mistake, you are not a mistake You have value The scars inside have a lot of power, they will not always I love you I will take care of you and that can be enough These feelings will go away, but meanwhile, feel them I can take care of you, remember that, remember that, remember that Tomorrow is another day.

Did you learn how to fight? Not physical fighting....the healthy kind. Did someone teach you that you can disagree, be angry or hurt and what to do with those feelings? I never learned that. I am learning now, at 55, to deal with those feelings but it is not easy. When my partner does something that angers or hurts me, I tend to punish and threaten to banish instead to sitting down and explaining how much his actions hurt or angers me. I can be reactionary. It's not all that pleasant for me and I can imagine that it is not at all pleasant for him. But I am aware and I am working on it because I want to be a good partner but, mostly, I just want to be a good me with a ton more peace. So, did you learn how to fight? Do you React or Respond? Do you stick up for yourself or do you take on someone else's anger just to placate and diffuse the situation?

I must stop reacting. I had a set back the other day. My reaction, once again, overshadowed the negative behavior of someone else. Lord when will I learn? I will learn. I will eventually get there. Little by little, I will learn to quiet the incredible anxiety that explodes out of me in an ugly way. I will, one day, be firm in who I am and where my boundaries lie....when I do, I will quietly enforce them, standing firm in the comfort of knowing when too far is too far FOR ME regardless how someone else views it. Meanwhile, I am allowed to make mistakes. I am a imperfect human being that continues to try to be the best I can be. Despite my errors, I am: a good friend a good listener a pretty good mom a forgiving ex-wife a person with empathy a loving sister a devoted daughter (despite being an orphan) a good business woman a partner who keeps trying I am breathing, easing the anxiety, gaining back my serenity. Serenity is a beautiful thing. I am wishing you peace ...

Patterns in our lives can be destructive and so very hard to recognize. I'm reading Codependency No More by Melody Beattie and have seen myself in the book over and over again. The Karpman drama triangle in Chapter 8 is standing out at the moment. This chapter deals with rescue and care-taking. We rescue because we don't feel good about ourselves.  We rescue because it is easier to do so than to deal with the feelings we are feeling when someone we care about is suffering or in need. We rescue because it makes us feel better about ourselves or feel more in control of an uncomfortable situation. We rescue whether we are asked or not....whether the rescued are completely able to care for themselves. Rescuing or "care-taking" breeds anger when the rescued let us down or rejects us or our advice. We get angry at the rejection and attack. Afterwards, we become the victim, pointing out all that we have done for them. Seeing the pattern is the only way to mo...

What a perfect weekend!  Saturday golf with a new friend in beautiful Southern California (mid 80's and a light breeze), an art showing right after and a easy Sunday with the farmers market, a little companionable yard work, a fabulous dinner and a Broncos game to top it off. As I am writing this, it is not lost on me that just two 1/2 years ago I was living in utter chaos. I felt trapped, angry and sad most of the time. What a difference a year or two makes. I have to tell you though, it is not just the Boy Scout that has made the difference. He is amazing and I feel incredibly blessed to have him in my life but he did not cause the change. I would not be able to enjoy any of this new life without putting in a lot of hard work in Al-Anon and counseling. The hardest part of remaking my life has been a day in and day out attempt at changing default thinking. The natural tilt I had developed to the negative...the underlying anger and hurt that controlled the way I reacted ...

Fears often control my thoughts or actions.  I hate that it is that way but I developed that coping mechanism long before I was aware there was such a thing as a coping mechanism and getting rid of it has proved to be a full-time job. Distinguishing between a fear and intuition it a tough one. Knowing when your heart is trying to protect you or when it may be constructing a fortress can look surprisingly similar Recently, when having a heated discussion (OK, OK....a full out argument), I needed to step back and look at what was prompting the fight. Was it legit or was it fear? I couldn't honestly say which so I went back to my Al-Anon work and then did some research on the internet and according to  Dr. Judith Orloff  here are some tips on figuring out the difference. Signs of a Reliable Intuition Conveys information neutrally, unemotionally   Feels right in your gut Has a compassionate, affirming tone Gives crisp, clear impressions...

I am #5 of 6 kids and I use the term "kids" loosely. My oldest sister is 63 and my younger brother is 51. We are a tight knit group except for one. My brother John, who is 55, has been the black sheep since day one. He has been in and out of our lives and when he is in, it is usually difficult or strained at best. Our mom instilled inside of each of us an intense loyalty. She never verbalized it but it is there just the same. All four of us girls are very close and we adore our "baby" brother. And even though we love him, John is another story.  He was the one that ran with the "bad" crowd in school. He was the one that my teachers would scowl about when they heard my last name on the first day of school. He and my mom were escorted by a police officer to sign him up for the military before he came of age....it was that or juvie. Thinned skinned and negative, he has lived with nearly every one of us for a period of time, here and there. Because...

On my calendar is the recurring post, "This is the day my life started over". Today is it. Two years ago today I began a journey of a lifetime. I would deny it to no one or, at least, no one with their eyes as tightly closed as mine.  When I mentioned the calendar post to my oldest she was silent. I knew.....the entry brings on conflicting emotions for both of us. My life did start over, with a struggle, anger, heartache, fear and so much hard-assed work....more work than I've ever done before. But as hard as I've worked to get to this point in my journey, it seems paltry compared to the work the Secret Keeper has to put in daily just to keep walking on this planet. I cannot change that but feel it's necessary to mention it as I cannot be grateful for where I am without recognizing the cost and it's implications on those around me. There is still far to go to real healing and serenity but I went through some fire and have come out on the other-side bette...

It's the job of each person to take their life lessons and turn them into good. I was failing at that for a little while. Being angry prevents froward movement. Forgiveness for myself and for others was the key to getting rid of the anger and getting on with a more healthy, happy life. The fourth and fifth step, a fearless moral inventory shared with God and another human being, was the catalyst for the forgiveness. If your struggling, consider it. Keep an open mind and give it a try. Another part of the healing is learning to stop playing mind and word games to achieve the ultimate goal -   Feeling OK . Learning to be able to recognize and express how I am feeling has been invaluable. Hurting doesn't have to turn to rage (although, unfortunately, it still does at times). Fear shouldn't end up in an argument over something unrelated.  Being able to say what I mean and mean what I say makes a big difference in my daily walk. This morning at the golf course was ...

Being a "victim" can be a way of life for many. In our society, we are adept at assigning blame and making excuses for almost anything. Some adopt this coping mechanism because they are uncomfortable with their own anger. There are also those who feel inadequate and swamped by events. Many harbor a childish belief that the world should be fair, using their early helplessness and applying it to the here and now, keeping them paralyzed from making changes in their reactions. Sadly, there are benefits to the role of victim.  Victims often know who to approach to get attention and validation. If they don't receive it from one they easily move to the next person who "understands" their situation.  Victims don't have to take chances. Life happens to them, they don't make life happen. They often avoid big responsibilities. Blaming others instead of taking their own inventory. The victim gets gratification from being "right" when others do ...

I used to think that this slogan, But For The Grace of God, was demeaning. Almost a "God looked kindly at me but weren't so lucky" kind of mentality. It's taken on a new meaning now. It reminds me to check my ego and develop my empathy and compassion in a deeper, more effective way. It allows me to set aside my "go to" feelings of criticism, impatience, resentment and anger and requires me to think the situation through with a genuine interest in the other being as well as myself. If a wholehearted approach is used, everyone comes out the better. My first and, thus far, most treasured entry in the One Day at A Time book is this: My attitude toward another – whether drinking or not – can have untold influence on the life of my family. Perhaps, through long drinking years, I acquired the habit of tearing him down, showing my contempt for his actions, indignation at the neglect of obligations. I am responsible for the consequences of such attitudes. Ev...

The anger and fear (or joy and happiness for that matter) I feel at any given moment are not me, they are a reaction to something happening in my life. My goal is to allow the anger and fear to flow over and then to let them go, almost like watching a scene on TV.  The scene happens and then it is gone...I do not become a part of that scene. Since fear has been the largest stumbling block on my journey to serenity, it is the one I must cope with most frequently. The idea is that the feeling, FEAR , starts to rise in my chest. I recognize it, perhaps analyze why it's there if it is not obvious, allow it for a moment and breath deep and let it go. Way easier said then done but I'm giving it my best shot. Permitting the fear to rule my life didn't work very well in the past (understatement of the century) and caused me to do many crazy things that will not be mentioned in this post since I have put enough of my crazy into past entries. I suppose everyone does this in th...

Just for Today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration. I may have mentioned before that I was reading The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself by Michael Singer. It has been a tough read for me. The whole idea of the voice in my head not being me at all. I have kept at it and will keep doing so but in between I picked up T he Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom,  by Don Migul Ruiz.  Love this book to the moon! Applying the four concepts to my life fits right in with Al-Anon teachings and has, once again, allowed me to let go of a lot of baggage that weighs me down. The second agreement  is to Take Nothing Personally. AWESOME!  Don’t take anything personally  is a beautiful tool of interaction with your own kind, human to human. And it’s a big ticket to p...

I said goodbye without a tear.  Better than that....I left without feelings of resentment, anger or blame. Sadness tugged here and there, reminding me that my old dreams still had a bit of a hold on me, but overall, not too bad.  I could credit so many different reasons.  First and foremost, four wonderful kids who have managed to love both of their parents through a difficult, dirty and ugly situation. Kudos to them for the hard work they've done to be OK.  Secondly, a God who has shown me that in order to receive mercy and kindness, I must be willing to give it out freely, without strings. Only then am I free to love myself and accept dynamic love from others. Next, the support of friends and family and of another unique family that started me thinking in a different way.......my lovely circle of friends on Happier.com. These people showed me that no matter the circumstance, one can always find something, no matter how small, to be grateful for. And finally,...

When being grateful outweighs the pain, you know you will recover. You know you can love and laugh and live a life with purpose. The weight of anger and pain and, dare I say, hatred is considerable, so burdensome. At times, the need to feel justified, validated by onlookers, perhaps even pitied (guilty as charged) can keep you in that horrible place.  But life moves forward. If you are wise or if you have someone around that helps you open your eyes or if you can somehow see how much damage it does to your heart and to the ones that love you, you can try to drag yourself up. Some people forgive so easy. I am not that person. But I've got a God that wants so much more for me than anger and spite. He has begun the softening of my rough edges and pointed out those areas that need work. Some that I knew of but held onto like an treasured family heirloom and some I simply was not conscious of. Our families of origin helped form the people we are; good, bad or otherwise. I li...

I am going to readdress an issue that I have already written about, but it is so important that I must revisit it just to cement it in my brain. There was a light bulb above my head that suddenly glowed bright in that very moment when I realized the genesis of the shame and embarrassment I felt when it came to my marriage during the last few years. As my Secret Keeper slowly disintegrated into his mental illness and drug abuse, the feelings that I experienced were all the emotions one would expect and read about. Anger, hurt, fear, betrayal etc. One very strong feeling was shame; I felt like an idiot.  But why? Because it went on so long? Because it happened under my nose? Because I trusted him to do the right thing even in his depression? Perhaps a little of each of those but there was a bigger issue and it was all MINE. It seems that a fragile, unexamined part of my ego took a tremendous beating by having my marriage fail. I recall at an early age deciding that I was going ...