An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

For years I sought out the morning quiet without even knowing I was doing so.  Remembering the feeling of annoyance for that infant, whichever infant,  waking earlier than they were suppose to, infringing upon the moments of morning solitude  that my body would seek; no alarm needed. That desire magnified when we left that big house that gave me space I needed, and found ourselves in 900 sq ft. Me and two young adults. There was no corner to retreat to, no place that wouldn’t disturb the other occupants  of that house that smothered me; but only in the mornings That’s when I took to the car, where I would watch the new day begin, where I could listen, in a volume suited for my ears, to the poets and preachers, the guides, that promised to help me convert my turmoil into peace, my anger into grace. They’ve kept their promise, or rather I did, with their help.  Now, I’m looking for a place inside this house, a corner of quiet,  an early retreat, where I can f...

When I got married the first time I used my best magical thinking when contemplating the future. Does everyone do that? Do most women imagine they will be on the winning side of the 40 to 50 % that fall to pieces? They must or why would they do it? We are visiting our little town Ventura. I’ve driven by the homes that the Secret Keeper and I lived in, raised our children, spent decades trying to be on the 50 to 60% that make it, trying to have the life I dreamed of. Looking back now, there was never truly a chance. Just like so many other people, I didn’t have the proper tools I needed and the Secret Keeper had even less than me.  I go inside myself for just awhile and there is a sadness but it is more nostalgic than grief. Still now if I am asked who I am, a mother of 4 terrific humans comes to mind before partner, business owner, daughter and sister. But these days seeker might show up before mother. I am definitely more introspective, trying to figure out what makes me me. And, ...

We are traveling which I will go into more when I have some time. Meanwhile, I’ll say that we agreed he would buy food, gas and golf, and I would pay for hotels.  I’ve been known to be thrifty but I guess I’ve outdid myself. Of course I found a hotel with “free breakfast” which I envisioned the typical serve yourself limited buffet style. Some are definitely better than others but I have learned today that I should look at the fine print.  These fancy accommodations provide a “warm bag” or a coupon for the restaurant down the street.  There are many restaurants down the street but our coupon? Kid you not! Did anyone even know that Der Weinerschnitzel made breakfast? And seriously, I wouldn’t eat lunch there, even in a pinch, so logically, we made other arrangements and gave up the generous offer.

It happened so slowly that I didn’t really know it had. This little big town has become home. The largest city in Oregon, with less than 650,000 people, has half the population density per sq mile of my home town of Los Angeles. Traffic can get bad but nothing by comparison.  The people are unique, hence the city motto of “Keep Portland Weird”, and they’ve grown on me. In general, they are a little more small town than I’m used to so….a bit kinder. It’s a forest. I love the trees. The food is amazing! Gourmet food carts, hole in the wall restaurants, frequent nominees and winners of the James Beard awards (best new restaurant 2023  Kann ). No need to step foot in a chain restaurant here, there is food on every corner and it’s good. I’m finally feeling connected. It’s taken awhile. I had to get beyond my grief and I have. It doesn’t hurt anymore which is lovely. It helps to be out in the garden after a long winter. The rhodys and azaleas were stunning, as were there dogwood and...

Back from out trip. It was amazing and amazingly fast. Not nearly enough time to do all that we needed or wanted to do but we did what we could. It was a comfort to know that as we headed back to Oregon, we both felt that we were headed "home". This last year and three months have been tumultuous and heartbreaking but there have been many good things that have emanated from the chaos. Boy Scout and I have taken our relationship to a level that I, with my damaged heart and severed trust, never thought would happen. We are stronger and more solid than we have ever been before. I chock some of that up to a renewed and flourishing relationship with myself. Loving myself is a far better foundation than building on another person. I can love him, and others, much more freely as I develop a genuine like for the person I am, not despite all my flaws, but because of them. I am perfectly imperfect. We decided to put a ring on it. Nope, we didn't get married but we did have a little...

We drive along the road and one of us looks at the other and we say, "We live here!", smiling broadly. The other knows...it's kind of like pinching ourselves at the beauty. If I say "home", it usually is referring to our little town by the beach. I miss my city and I miss my friends more than I can say but the scenery, the beauty and the water is a novelty that I hope never wears off. I am adapting. Moments of absolute loneliness are just that...momentary.  Portland is complex. As much as the nation is divided, I can honestly say that Portland is a amplified stereotype of that division. The liberals are LIBERAL and the conservatives are.....Ultra. For many years now I have considered myself liberal but I shrink in comparison, which is fine. That being said, it is a contentious area. I don't like that part of it but, so far, it is nice to be here. We've joined PFLAG which is a nationwide organization committed to building bridges between families and alli...

We've been busy busy. This little old house is coming along.  I'm feeling accomplished.  I've cleaned out a slow moving drain 2x, painted the master, the large guest and the main bathroom. I replaced one toilet with good results and one that I had to call the plumber on to get a new flange put in. Ah well, I tried. Installed a shelf, got the IRobot working again, hung the large TV on the wall (and it's done right!!), removed 5 sets of old blackout draperies and their hardware and sorted out my plants as best I could. Most of the artwork is hung. Here are a few pics.  old bath old bath and old Boy Scout Mini re-do old guest Guest with new paint old master wall color ( I don't do blue walls, they make me sad) New master wall color. Doing all white for the time being. Next I would like to remove the wood paneling in the Livingroom and I need to head to the city and get a DBA before I get in trouble for doing business here without one. The Boy Scout is still working the...

Baptism by fire or should I say ice.  Gas Company came out because my sniffer detected a leak. I was pishawed by all but the nose knows. They came in and their detector detected and I felt vindicated.....for awhile. He then went on to check this and that until he got to the meter. The meter was fairly new. Actually looks brand spanking new. The pipe leading from the meter to the house, NOT SO MUCH. He started picking at it to show me the problem and pieces started to fall away. He shook his head. He felt bad as he wrapped the meter with red tape. Yep, we got red taped!  Now, in Southern California red taped means one thing. But here, when the peaky high in 52° and the low are in the low 40's, it's a bit of a problem for this high desert gal. I am sitting here with layers and layers that don't really seem to be helping much. Boy Scout is asleep as he had his Booster and Flu vaccines and is feeling lousy. I called around and around and around. Do you know that plumbers seem...

Did I mention that we bought a house? We did and it closes on the 1st. Yippee! It's in a suburb of Portland in a city called Milwaukie. The previous owners were a couple that bought the house a long time ago. He just passed away from COVID at 89 and she is in a facility. According to neighbors, they were an unusual pair that hiked, worked and scuba'd right up until the end. They had 4 children but only two survive. The house was cared for but not much updated (truthfully, not at all updated). It's a plain little ranch style house but we have vision. Pretty sure the flooring is original. The cabinets are definitely original and the dishwasher started smoking when started. It's the lot we fell in love with. We will soon own a small cedar grove and a little ranch house. I am over the moon and can't wait to move in.  We start on Friday, get the two Pods shipped on Tuesday and we will play the rest by ear. Boy Scout's plantar fasciitis is giving him a lot of grief so...

This morning's sunrise is stunning. I am in awe.  I finally found a good spot to greet each new day. The top of a nearby parking structure gives me a unique first peek. The loveliness that occurs long before the sun shows itself is what my heart waits for. The inky blackness of the night softens and suddenly out of the darkness a faint tint of pink appears just above the jagged silhouette of the Tualatin Mountain range east of me. This is when my soul mocks my logical thinking part, chiding me for wondering if there is something bigger out there.  I put an offer in on  another house. It’s a long shot but I am at peace.  I use those words “I am at peace” nonchalantly, almost flippantly, but then I remember where I came from. Before, my brain was my worst enemy. In ACA, we call it the inner critical parent and mine was a real bitch. She had a vested interest in keeping in shame and scarcity, often telling me how unworthy and stupid I was. She is mostly gone. I am culti...

I've lived in the city of Ventura for 38 years. You would think that it would be the place I call home but, deep within my heart, when I say I want to go home, I am talking about Sunland/Tujunga, the place I was raised, and maybe a little bit of La Crescenta, which is where we moved when I was 13ish. Both cities are suburbs of Los Angeles. Ventura (60 miles NW) is podunk compared to LA and driving here is, well...........(yawn) kind of sleepy. I am completely accustom to it though, it's been a long time.  On those days when we decide to venture east to LA, whether to sight see or visit one of my siblings, it's a chance to enjoy the ride.....and I do. Something happens when I get about half way there. I sit a little snugger in my seat, I make sure my mirrors are quite well adjusted, we often have the music on and I morph back into the person I was meant to be. It's like putting on a favorite old pair of jeans and a lovely soft flannel shirt. It just fits.  I become more ...

This is my home.  All 790 sq ft of it. It’s not fancy but it is mine and I am pretty fond of it. I’d almost say I love it except I am reminded of how much of my heart I gave the last house and how little she gave me in return. In my previous life I would be constantly thinking of all the projects I wanted to do. The wood floors are appalling, there is no insulation, the windows are original and BAD. But now-a-days I feel like as long as it's pretty clean...I'm ok with the rest of it. I don't have a bunch of extra cash and I refuse to go in debt. It's a snap to clean and just enough room (as long as I have a storage unit). I hope the Boy Scout and I can spend our remaining days here. That would be just fine with me. Happy Easter y’all  🐣 

I can love my Secret Keeper again. It has happened slowly and, sometimes, begrudgingly, but there you are. The other day we needed to meet at the Realtors to sign the paper work to sell our home. We got out of our respective cars and walked towards each other. My heart softened for the poor guy; for who he once was and for who he has become. He has abused his body so badly and it shows. This guy who once worked tirelessly was limping toward me, so heavy from the medications he now relies on to have even a semblance of normalcy. A man who was a doting father and dedicated husband.  How must he feel now? In the past few months, I could only care how I felt or how my kids must feel but not him. He was the culprit and I was the victim. No longer. Although he must live with the results of his actions, I now see that he was a victim of a brutal disease, left untreated because he gave into the urges and could not ask for help. NAMI helped me see him in a different light. Being able to d...

Today I put my home on the market. I love this house. Like so many of you, I have put my time, my money and my heart here. I've learned a few things though: Don't invest your heart in a place. Your love and your memories do not count on the location being there. It's the people and the tenderness and the loyalty that took place there that is important. Family gatherings and heartfelt talks still happened even if you can't sit in the same room or walk down the same hallway. Don't hold on to what is not healthy. As much as I would love to stay here, I cannot afford to do this on my own. Or maybe I could squeeze by but at the cost of a lot of other things that could bring much joy in my life.  A house or 3 or 4 long weekends away with my kids or a nice extended vacation?  No contest! Driving around in a high mileage car, worrying about whether I will make it home late at night or being able to afford a reliable new car. I'll take peace of mind over hangin...