An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

 2023 was a year of highs and lows. The beauty of it is that I no longer let the highs and lows define my existence. My focus is broader and allows a bigger view of the world so that the lows are buffered with beauty and the highs are tempered with gratitude. The end of the holidays marks the leaving of my kids. They came. ALL OF THEM CAME, and I marveled at having them near, of getting to know their faces that are a bit older than the last time I saw them, of hearing their voices with new maturity, of taking pleasure as they interact and start to realize that each of them holds memories of each other that are precious. I felt like I was in a bubble of pure wonder.  What I had to offer was a safer version of me, a more predictable, less manipulative human. I’m not really afraid anymore. Fear is not in the driver seat. I have loved this visit and I will love when it gets back to normal. I am a creature of habit. Changing it up has been fabulous but my body will be more content ...

I’ve mentioned before that I watch the sun rise most mornings. I have a few spots from which I do this, where I get a pretty good view of the mountains to the east and also where I feel safe to sit in the dark before the new day breaks. One of the spots is a parking lot where the view is mostly unhindered but I am still aware I am in a mall parking lot.  In this parking, a couple of times a week, there is an odd exchange that takes place. An expensive white crossover usually shows up first and parks. Sometimes it’s quick, other times it waits a good long while. Eventually a mini van arrives and two children, one being a young teen and the other a few years younger than that, get out of the minivan and make their way to the other car. That is the usual exchange. A couple of times the kids do their routine and then the two drivers get out and have a heated exchange. I’m not close enough to hear, I am just an observer of a dance of two angry women. The dance of hurt, pain and resentme...

The Boy Scout and I still have things we are finding out about each other. One reason for that is that in the past neither of us were very “safe” receivers of each others hearts. I had a way of weaponizing information and, truthfully, so did he. The other reason is that we are just getting to know ourselves in ways we never dreamed was possible. I am unable to share what I am not aware of. Today, he shared a sweet part of his heart. We were talking about neighbors and how much gratitude we have for the people on our street. Yesterday the two kids from next door came over with two “Valentimes” cupcakes. "Happy Valetimes", they say with glee as he opens the door. They brought two but they only have eyes for him. It’s the Boy Scout they absolutely love and he loves them back. He could not stop smiling   Later, he says to me, “One thing that makes me feel the presence of God is with children. It’s like He said, “I know you wanted kids and didn’t get them but I’ve made sure that k...

When I was a kid (especially a teenager) there were lots of little things about my mom that bugged, irritated or just plain embarrassed me. I don't like it but it's true. I disliked the way she said Q-pons instead of coupons and her-bs instead of herbs (erbs). There were some other things but those two come to mind right off the bat. It also annoyed that she never said, "I love you". Eventually I would say it to her nasty when we were fighting, using the very thing I wanted to hear from her as a weapon. What can I say? I was a kid, and an angry one at that, so I try offer myself forgiveness and understanding, even while knowing it probably hurt her feelings. Now that I am older there are some things about my kids that are like me that I don't especially like. Just little things that tend to make me feel uncomfortable in my own skin.  The other day when my girl was here, we went out somewhere for a bite to eat. My kids have become veritable mama bears next to me be...

I have tried to live life safely. Stemming from a childhood where I felt very unsafe, it has been near the top of my list in most situations. I remember making a decision, at 12 or 13, to not allow others to put me in unsafe situations. A childish fantasy of self determination.  Living life safely easily eliminates the use of alcohol and drugs. Never even thought to give them a try. Truthfully, I got tipsy and stoned for the first time somewhere around my 52nd year....not at the same time. While it may have been fun, it's not a fit for me.  There really is no such thing as safety, but it took me a long time to learn that. I still feel ill at ease in many situations where most people are quite comfortable. I would much rather drive the car than put my trust in someone else. That safe-keeping was blanketed over the kids too. More than likely they were a bit smothered by their scared mother, but it was all I knew. The other day on family Zoom my youngest, who has admitted to taki...

To My kiddos, I've been spending a lot of mornings at the beach.  Thinking, meditating, in prayer to a god only I can define. It occurred to me that my love for you guys just keeps growing, deepening, becoming richer with each passing year. How lucky I am to love people I actually like a whole lot or am I lucky to like the people I love a whole lot. Either way, in this new year, this new decade, I think the thing I wish most for each of you is a quest for self love.  I wish you the journey to find a way to be kind, care, base your choices in life and love, on a deep sense of love and acceptance for you, wonderful gorgeous you. Happy Saturday guys. 

I was a fairly controlling mom. I was cautious and careful, especially when the kids were very young. I wasn't the freewheeling "it'll all work out" kind of gal, although there is something to be said for that woman. When I was 33ish, we were at my mom's house playing in the complex pool. It was crowded, as my mom lived in a town called Santa Clarita, well known for getting pretty damn hot in the summer. I had my littlest in the pool in my arms (I started them young). My mom, my sister Sal and my other three kids were hanging by the stairs.  We were having a great time, talking, laughing.... good times with family. At some point I looked over to see Scotty, my 3 year old, trying to tread water, unable to get his head to break the surface. I yelled and started towards him. My mom or Sal scooped him up. I remember him sputtering with his big eyes open so wide in shock of it all. He was a confident little swimmer. I had started them all with lessons as infants...

This is a re-blog from three years ago. It warms my heart and brings a smile to my face. So much has changed since the day I posted this. The kids are all good and lovely and I am so proud of each of them. As humans, they are pretty special. I miss the daily interaction but know that they are all where they are suppose to be and I remain here, growing, learning, breathing and, mostly, loving them with all my heart. Just Being Grateful Today, I am grateful for so many things that I could go on for way too long. I will pick a few of the tops.  My oldest, who works so hard at connecting, purposefully touching on subjects that she knows are or thinks may be important. This doesn't come naturally, so I applaud her continual effort to reach out on a deeper level. I also love her acceptance that self care is so necessary. My second, whose intellect astounds me, but whose view on life confuses me. I love the way he has stepped up and showed a surprising maturity. Additionally, ...

I cannot remember now. I can't for the life of me remember how we figured out that this man, this good man, was a junkie. That the disease of addiction had made it so that methamphetamine was more important than anything else.  It all makes sense now. The crazy behavior, the writing checks for cash but never using it in front of me, the sores on his arm and hands, the disappearing, sleeplessness, etc etc etc. Why can't I remember? I'll have to talk to my daughter because it seems like an important detail. We get up in the next morning....me frozen, seeing my kids in pain but being unable to do a damn thing about it because I am in shock. I am walking but cannot feel my feet. I am hearing but can't make sense of the words. The crazy texts are still coming. I hate him and the texts. I want to text back horrible things but know if the man kills himself my kids will read those texts and hold me responsible. So I don't. But I lay there, wishing he would. For th...

Yesterday was Fathers Day here in the US. My father has been gone a good many years now. My kids father is no longer a prevalent part of my life and the Boy Scout is not a dad. So Fathers Day was just another day.  We took a ride and ended up in two small towns; Arroyo Grande and San Luis Obispo. San Luis Obispo is home to a top ranking state university, California Polytechnic State University - San Luis and what is commonly referred to as Cal Poly.  San Luis is an adorable little college town with fun and funky shops and lots of good food. It was a nice day with some lovely sunshine and good company. While on our excursion I got a couple of texts and found out that my girls were spending the day with their dad. Very sweet. They all went to church together and then spent some time down at the beach. It is, and has always been, one of his favorite places. So glad they got to spend some special time together. For a few moments, after getting the texts, I got ...

The Christmas holiday came and went but was loaded with special moments. Christmas Eve found me, quite surprisingly , at church with three of my four kids (I missed that fourth greatly but she was taking care of what she needed to take care of). My boys both have fairly skeptical views of religion in general, which I respect, but I tremendously enjoyed getting to share my church community with them, even for just an hour. The kids spent the morning with their dad so the Boy Scout and I took it easy with a beautiful walk on the beach. The weather was amazing.  We talked about the year past, our hopes for the coming year, the idea of having a New Year's resolution and a variety of other subjects. Back at the house by noonish, the Boy Scout went full speed ahead with an amazing amount of energy putting together a dinner for 9. The dinner was incredible with: Rack of Pork with chutney sauce Potatoes and Squash au gratin Green Beans with Wine and Shallots Warm Beet ...

The past week has reminded me that I have no control over anything but myself (and sometimes not even that) and that I have to trust my Higher Power for peace and remember my job to be grateful. I am grateful that my Chica-girl has the incredible strength to keep trying. Striving for a sense of peace and practicing a tremendous amount of self care in order to move forward. Stepping out even though it can be a very scary world and asking for help at a time that many others cut themselves off. Grateful for my Gigi who got pretty darn sick in the last 48 hours and reminded me that I am still needed and valued as a mom even though there are no kids living in my home (unless you count the Boy Scout, who happens to be the biggest kid in the world). For the girl I call a Tornado, who stepped up and attentively cared for my Gigi in my absence. It's nice to have someone with a strong voice as your advocate when you are feeling w...

Who will I be when the last one walks out the door? Who am I now? How will I act when I am no longer responsible for anybody, when no one looks up to me for guidance or support? I love being a mom. I loved being a mom of young children and of teenagers and of young adults.  But as the last one packs, will I change? I think I will. I've never got a chance to live footloose and fancy free. I started working full time when I was 16, met my husband when I was 17 got married at 22 and started a family. At first, that was challenging yet so rewarding. When we got a grasp on things there was a lovely rhythm. And despite the fact that I failed in some ways, I was good, quite good, in others. I tried hard to be a good mom. Financially I was and am rock solid. I don't believe in debt and am not into taking risks. For the most part I'm conservative in my personal values but believe that the freedoms that many men and women died to protect mean that others should NOT have to l...