What Day Is This? Why, It's Halloween Day Of Course!

Here's to a happy, safe, and not at all healthy October 31st, courtesy of my 2013 Halloween alter ego.

NAILED IT!

And if the Bluths don't float your Seawards, I'll let the cast of Season 3 of Beverly Hills, 90210 say it best.

Whether it's a toilet papered trail or candy corn coma, I wish you all the best on this always special day. Just don't let it go to your head!

A Remake Without Soul

"Wes Craven Presents" have never been three words I’ve looked forward to hearing. The product it generally implies is, well...

Sometimes starring Marc Blucas.

In other words, it’s rarely a good thing for even the catchiest of titles (you know, like, um...They) to be produced by horror’s most famous former college professor. With that in mind, I headed into 1998’s Carnival of Souls with a bar lower than the required height for the kiddie coaster.

Let’s see if it helped.

Quick Plot: Young Alex walks into her kitchen to the pleasant sight of Larry Miller raping her mother. Before you can say Final Destination 5, he snaps her neck and snaps us into the present, where Alex (Bobbie Philips) has grown into a pretty but world weary bar owner co-managing a seaside dive with her younger sister, played by an oddly stable Shawnee Smith. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with Saw's first lady, but there's something very off about seeing her playing normal.

Alex has bigger problems than a dull little sister, primarily the fact that mom-killer (and apparently, child molester) Larry Miller has been released from his lifetime prison sentence. So, apparently, have a bunch of demons and a lot of very menacing water, be it in a Final Destination 4-esque car wash-gone-wrong sequence or an aggressive bathtub. Are these simple daydreams haunting an emotionally scarred Alex, or is there evil afoot in comically oversized floppy red shoes?

Wes Craven Presents: Carnival of Souls is one of the titles that often shows up on Worst Remakes of All Time lists. While it’s no It’s Alive 2009, it’s easy to see why some viewers would be so offended by this film. The original is a verifiable cult classic, an eerie little tale panned in its time and rediscovered in the public domain as one of the era’s very best ghost stories. This version, directed by Adam Grossman and Ian Kressner, is far from the worst horror output of the ‘90s, but in comparison to the rich imagery of Herk Harvey’s film, it suffers quite fiercely.

The movie’s largest issue is the hardest to conquer: it’s boring. Yes, we get Shawnee Smith warbling through a tune. Indeed, we get a character actor generally known for comedy going all out as a pedophile carnival clown with a pageboy wig. Sure, these things are special in their own odd way. But that doesn’t a not dull film make.

Running at just 90 minutes, Carnival of Souls simply takes forever. The beats are repetitive, and sadly there are only so many ‘water! Bad! It’s a dream! Water! Bad!’ cycles a viewer can suffer through before calling it a day.

Or just a bad movie.

High Points

Well, this happens a lot:

Low Points

There’s a very specific moment where Carnival of Souls lost whatever mild interest it had generated. In one of her umpteenth fantasy/dream/water sequences, Alex is haunted by a red balloon that appears out of nowhere. She carefully walks toward it, clearly leading us to a jump of some moment. And she jumps. And THEN Larry Miller’s face appears on the balloon to do some taunting.

Notice a problem?

It’s easy enough to set up a jump scare. Lower the music. Have a character walk slowly. Focus on an object/door/box/noun of some sort that will reveal a minor menace. REVEAL the menace, and we and said character will presumably jump. Have character jump and THEN reveal menace, well, that’s something you only get when Wes Craven is presenting.

Lessons Learned

It is possible to possess stunning green eyes up until the age of five or six, only to see them turn a pleasant if plain brown once you reach your mid-20s

Demon thingies rarely wear clothing, but they do enjoy a hearty dinner and hydration

Look, It’s…

John Sears! Fraternity president/casual date rapist/homophobic bigot/sworn nemesis of Steve Sanders John Sears! Um, he was on Beverly Hills 90210, and I tend to should “John Sears!” whenever he pops up in another late ‘90s horror movie (of which there are quite a few). Also, he apparently directed the much maligned Atlas Shrugged: Part 1, so make of all of these things whatever you will.

Rent/Bury/Buy

Carnival of Souls isn’t the worst thing streaming on Netflix right now, but there’s very little reason to test that theory. I suppose Larry Miller clown fetishists or remake completists will give it a go, but be aware that this is a slog. Not a They slog, but dull time nonetheless.

Brenda Walsh In Your Stocking: Christmas Caper

Christmas Caper marks the end of a powerful trilogy of films: made-for-TV Christmas fluff starring former Beverly Hills 90210 actresses. We've seen Kelly Taylor fall in love with the help of her talking dog and Donna Martin learn the true meaning of the holiday thanks to William Shatner and Gary Coleman. It's only right that we continue with Brenda Walsh's transformation from bitchy cat burglar to bored family gal.

 

Quick Plot: Brenda plays Kate, a thief-in-training who sports a dull look and black spandex as she steals a diamond before being betrayed by her partner. Before you can say Happiness Hotel, Kate is on the run with her angry Lindsay Lohan-in-five-years mug plastered on Most Wanted posters.

 

But where does a moody city gal run to? Conveniently enough, Kate has an older sister who's trapped in the Bahamas with her husband due to bad weather. With Christmas one week away and nobody in town wanting to care for two unruly brats, Kate heads back to her hometown to babysit and lay low until the next big score.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 

Much like Beverly Hills without Brenda Walsh, Christmas Caper simply has no bite. Kate's history of kleptomania is played for mild laughs, but shouldn't SOMEONE acknowledge the fact that it might be a serious illness? Even if we look past the fact that this woman has been stealing since she was in puffy paint t-shirts, the character is supposed to be a big city bitch who sneers at the suburban way of life, yet all it takes is a few days of car pooling and lame milkshake dates with her high school sweetheart to melt her snobbery like the snow that inevitably falls on Christmas morning.

 

Say what you want about Shannon Doherty, but she's a capable actress with a little more natural presence than most of her teen bop peers. It makes Christmas Caper a little more watchable to the man-on-the-street, but far more boring to connoisseurs of moldy cheese. It's perfectly average and really, that's a terrible, terrible thing.

 

Lessons Learned

Life doesn’t work like having life just so (or something)

Small towns are often victim to plot points that involve unread faxes

 

Pantsing mall Santa never gets old, even when you're well past the years of Donna Martin Graduating

Token Slapstick

Not too horrid, although we do get a few snaps of Brenda, her nephew, and ex-partner having some physical difficulty learning the trade

 

Montage Mania

The first bucks the trend as we see Kate loiter around a mall to verbally convince townspeople to buy expensively stealable items. An expected "Let's all team up to decorate for the big holiday party!"  follows, but bonus points for ending on a clapper

 

Sass Factor

How I wish it came from Brenda. How I wish it existed in this flavorless piece of pie

 

Stocking Stuffer Or Stuffed With Coal?

Christmas Caper is a perfectly competent, perfectly forgettable comedy that's not really funny but unfortunately for people like me, also not so bad it's funny. I guess its appeal is reserved for those who loved the premise of The Ref but could've used less cussing or actual humor. In other words, your grandma if your grandma is lame. And yes, I just insulted your grandma. 

But only the uncool one.

Virgins In Your Stocking! A Carol Christmas

There's a reason why Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol remains the most popular holiday themed novel, local community theater play, and plot outline for sitcoms come every December. It's a brilliantly appealing story that can be applied to any subject in any medium, be that a newspaper comic strip or Halloween Roseanne episode.

 

You start with a villain that demands hatred, say, a man who tosses cute bunny Muppets into the snowy streets of London or an executive that fires a family man on Christmas Eve. We have to DESPISE this person (or animated duck) as much as we pity the poor but kind Bob Cratchit.

Hence, who better to cast in such a role than Tori My Daddy Got Me A Lot Of Work Then Disherinted Me From His Will Spelling, otherwise known (to me, forever) as Donna Martin. A Carol Christmas (get it?) is yet another Hallmark stab at Dickens' novella, and since anyone alive today knows the story, allow me to instead present it by breaking down the character list:

 

Ebenezer Scrooge = Carol Cartman, a talk show hostess in the vein of Ricki Lake (does that reference date me? Does it matter when I'm going to refer to Carol as Donna Martin Graduates for this whole review anyway?) who treats her employees with disdain.

Bob Cratchit = Roberta, Donna Martin Graduates' long-suffering single-mom assistant struggling to balance motherhood with her high maintenance, low paying boss

Tiny Tim = Little Redheaded Girl daughter of Roberta. No limp. No crutch. No accent. No bother.

Nephew Fred = Big sister Lindsey who does that annoying family thing practiced in Holiday In Handcuffs of reading Christmas tales out loud while wearing ugly sweaters

Jacob Marley = Aunt Marla, played by Dinah Manoff (lifelong free pass for Soap and being Chucky's first victim), Donna Martin Graduates' overbearring agent aunt who made sure her niece was always the star, even if it meant swiping the Virgin Mary role from a kid with a dead mom at the annual nativity play

Ghost of Christmas Past = Gary Coleman. And yes: I'm just as angry as you are that he's not playing Tiny Tim.

Ghost of Christmas Present = William Shatne moodily coasting as if the entire shoot was purchased on a Priceline deal that ended up costing way more than advertised with taxes and insurance

Ghost of Christmas Future = A limo driver, not unlike the creepy dude in Burnt Offerings

Ex-(Almost) Fiancee

Tall, good-looking and dull do-gooder who works at homeless shelters (i.e., Karren Allen but less interesting). That being said, he's played by an actor I recall from Days of Lives back in the early 90s and my goodness, the man hasn't aged a day. So bonus points for casting a vampire

If you're being reminded of a much better Christmas Carol-themed comedy about a bigwig TV executive, his neglected sibling, homeless helping ex, and put-upon single mom assistant, I assume you have a working brain. Yes, whoever wrote A Carol Christmas was clearly inspired by Scrooged and no, it's not anywhere near as Solid Gold.

Also, it does that obnoxious Christmas movie-on-a-budget thing by taking place in California, thusly sparing the crew from the hazards/annoyance of fake or real snow. How convenient. And lazy.

 

As far as the movie goes, eh. Tori Spelling has never oozed charisma, and her bitchy career woman shtick never truly captures the nasty spirit we look for in a proper Scrooge. What's worse is her after-the-ghost reaction, which should be bursting with the holiday spirit in a manner that's either joyous (think Michael Caine's soft smiles) or insane (BILL MURRAY WANTS YOU TO SING GODDAMNIT!). As Happy Carol, Donna Martin Graduates smiles a little more, gives her staff a vacation to Hawaii, and raises her assistant's salary while offering her second house free of charge. Oh, and in my favorite character decision of all time, Carol announces that after years of turning down lucrative merchandising opportunities, she will now put her name on whatever clothing or cooking product proposed and donate the proceeds to charity.

I really hope there's a sequel where Carol discovers said goods are made under sweatshop conditions. The Olsen Twins could play the child laborers! It'd be meta!

Instead, we settle for blah humbug.

See what I did there?

 

Lessons Learned

You look pale when you’re dead

 

Pop is the sound of Gary Coleman bursting your bubble

There’s not much work for a middle aged actor who’s too small to be a jockey. That should explain Coleman's career choices (including A Carol Christmas)

 

Montage Mania

Donna and Boy Karen Allen enjoy a foggy courtship complete with wine drinking, picnicking, roller skating, and donating goods to a homeless shelter, all set to country music because how else can a TV movie convey falling in love?

  

Token Slapstick

One of Carol's employees just can't stop dropping things. It's hilarious!

  

Coal or Candy?

A Carol Christmas isn't unwatchable, but I can't think of any reason to watch it when Scrooged is playing on AMC or 90210 reruns exist on youtube. Spelling doesn't embarrass herself, but the movie never commits to its self-aware Hollywooddom, nor does it have the energy to truly be a Scrooge reborn. It is what it is, and while it's probably better than ex-roommate Kelly Taylor's A Christmas Wedding Tail, it's also less hilariously bad, making it just kinda there.

  

I think I need to put a little love in my heart now.

Kibble & Kelly Taylor In Your Stocking: A Christmas Wedding Tail

When I think about holiday cinema, I often say to myself, "Muppets and cancer and snowglobes and miracles and handcuffs are nice and all, but you know what baby Jesus would've really loved to watch on cable between courses?" A talking dog voiced by Jay Mohr.

Amiright?

Quick Plot: Beautiful widow Kelly Taylor (I know, it's her 90210 name, but do you really think I paid enough attention to adjust?) is walking her golden retriever one day in scenic northern California when he falls for a prissy poodle (because in film, there is no other kind) and she falls for its widower and wine-making owner, played by the blandly good-looking Brad Rowe. Since IMDB doesn't even remember his character's name, I certainly can't be expected to.

It's October when they meet, and Thanksgiving when they get engaged, mostly because this is a Christmas movie so a Christmas wedding simply has to happen and apparently, it should occur less than 60 days after two seemingly intelligent and responsible parents have met one another. Even their gaggle of children--five in all--seems to get along well enough, prompting the audience to wonder where the heck any crumb of conflict will come from a good hour into the movie.

But WAIT! We forgot one key detail in the life of Kelly Taylor: she's looking for a job, a job that can only be found by her head hunter Tom Arnold, a job in none other than New York City, aka the alternate dimension of evil urbanites so warned about by family channel-ish films. Kelly has worked for such an opportunity her whole life, but taking the position of head curator for an art museum a day after getting married across the country...well you know, CONFLICT!

By now, you're probably thinking "that's all well and good Emily, but didn't you say something about talking dogs?" Of course Dear Reader, of COURSE there are talking dogs. CLEVER talking dogs, because what other kind of talking dogs are there? So clever in fact, that their very first talking dog conversation includes this classic put-down:

"This is an A and B conversation so C your way out of it."

Oh no prissy poodle DIDN'T!

Not to comic genius (in his own mind) Jay Mohr, who clearly read all his lines in one take on a Skype phone conversation with the director. Though the movie isn’t good, one could certainly derive an insane amount of joy envisioning all the behind-the-scenes highlights of Mohr, always smug and seemingly never happy, stooping the level of cranking out uninspired poop jokes as, you know, a talking dog.

That in itself qualifies A Christmas Wedding Tail as something of a horror movie, right?

Token Slapstick Alert

This being about dogs, the opportunities are endless:

-Thanksgiving dinner is ruined when dad falls in the pool and the turkey lands in grass

-Cake tasting ruined when dogs break into the kitchen and give the bakery owner an embolism

-Country club hunting is almost ruined when the dogs chase a stray and GET THIS: knock over the prissy manager

Sass Factor

During a wedding planner audition montage, Kelly & Dude cycle through a batch of stereotypes, including but not limited to a mob greaser, hippie, uptight Brit who keeps talking about the queen, southern hick (mysteriously hanging out in Northern California) who says ‘hootenany’ a lot, and most obviously, a fast-talking black woman who not only wants a leopard décor, but insists on making the grrrow cat sounds when explaining leopard décor

The Winning Line

“It is everything I’ve been working for but I’ve been working for the wrong things.”

At this point, you’re probably asking yourself what could possibly be the RIGHT thing. You start to worry, feel a drip of sweat form on your brow because MY GOD KELLY TAYLOR! You’re teasing us with the theme of this movie! Thankfully, she proves helpful:

“Family is the most important thing.”

Sigh! I was getting worried that the answer was going to be talking dogs.

Montage Mania

It’s a common occurance in this genre, but A Christmas Wedding Tail takes it a tad too far, with montages of the courtship, children playing, wedding planning, wedding planner auditions, wedding band auditions (complete with the token ‘dogs cover ears’ shot), and finally, a complete montage recapping the entire film just before Kelly makes her big choice.

Lessons Learned

A great way to establish character's quirks is to set a key scene at Thanksgiving and force each one to name what they're thankful for. Only then will it cement in the audience's head that amongst Kelly & No Name's children are a cook (who's thankful for "cooking!"), a computer nerd (who's thankful for "computers!"), bug collector (who's thankful for "bug collecting!"), sport (who's thankful for "sports!"), and silent creepy kid who "hasn't talked much since his dad died."

Small towns are like parasites

Post widowering, one shouldn’t talk about setting down, but GETTING down

Stocking Stuffer or Coal In Your Stocking?

A Christmas Wedding Tail (pun! Even though there are two tails so misused pun!) is so sweet that I received three cavities while watching it, though part of that may have come from Jennie Garth’s occasional lapse into dubbed baby voice or the fact that the biggest conflict is a beautiful woman trying to decide whether to take her high-paying dream job or marry a stud who owns a vineyard (i.e., the definition of a first first first world problem). But seriously, any film that makes the Brady Bunch look like the Mansons is seriously in need of some rabies.