Always Room For Growth

Let's get one thing straight: I will fight to the point of near death over the honor of 1956's The Bad Seed. It is brilliant, chilling, funny, smart, and simply the best.

Now let's slap that Lifetime Flowers In the Attic filter on a retelling and see what happens with Rob Lowe at the helm.

Quick Plot: Emma Grossman is a precocious 9-year-old whose current life goal is to win the citizenship medal in her exclusive private school (which for some Lifetime set availability reason, is set inside the kind of castle-esque manor best suited for wedding photos). When poor pubic speaker Milo wins instead, Emma's blue eyes narrow with the kind of ice cold fury that sends unsuspecting third graders to their deaths.

Widowed dad David (double duty puller Lowe) is a caring and concerned parent, but one also busy being the sole breadwinner with the (again) very Lifetime-ish profession of wildly successful furniture designer. He hires a carefree ex-snowboarder named Chloe as Emma's nanny, which briefly works out well since both sitter and charge are complete sociopaths.

That's right: if The Bad Seed didn't scream Lifetime to you at first glance, adding an eager-to-seduce pill-popping blond certainly helps. Not surprisingly, this is not the most subtle of remakes. While we don't get Rhoda Penmark's signature pigtails and tap shoes, we do get weaponized wasps' nests and poisoned hot chocolate, not to mention the rare "special appearance" credit that is ACTUALLY special because it's PATTY MCCORMACK AS A CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST.

This is the kind of film that follows the shot of a young woman being burned to death with a closeup of a fancy restaurant char broiling a fine steak. Subtlety rarely finds its way onto this network, and if anything, I wish Lowe pushed even higher over the top. Ultimately, we're left with a mild missed opportunity, but for all the woes we have about the time we're living in, the fact that we have a Bad Seed movie that includes Patty McCormack winking at the camera shows some positivity after all.

High Points

I've enjoyed screenwriter Barbara Marshall (Viral, Wish Upon)'s work immensely thus far, and while The Bad Seed does feel a tad Lifetime-limited, little touches, like Emma being a huge Shirley Temple fangirl, really show a special touch

Low Points

The Bad Seed is certainly not the first film to do this but it does give me an excuse to voice my hatred of water shots that insist on using liquid drops on the camera lens.I get what it's TRYING to do, but really, all it does for me is draw attention to the fact that what I'm watching is a product being filmed

Lessons Learned

Public speaking and spelling are not skills measured for citizenship

Some things never go out of style, be they class medals or little pink electric chairs

Always count your Xanax

Rent/Bury/Buy

The Bad Seed aired on Lifetime, so it's really only findable via your On Demand cable provider at this point in time. It never quite reaches the campy heights you (okay, I) want, but it's fun, disposable entertainment that hits most of the required notes. I certainly would have preferred a little more piano playing and pigtails, but my standards are obviously quite high. 

Broody Seeds

HEY! I'M TALKING TO YOU!

Just wanted to send out a friendly reminder that I also host a podcast. And more importantly, this week, I host a podcast about The Brood and The Bad Seed. Listen via iTunes or whatever fancy dancy technology you use. 

Bottoms up!

When Bad Seeds Blossom

It should surprise no one when I admit my undying love for The Bad Seed. After Night of the Living Dead, it was probably the first black and white film that I saw as a child and immediately declared amazing. Watching it today, The Bad Seed remains a true classic: funny and mean, psychologically complex and campy cool.

Hence, when I discovered that Patty McCormack--Rhoda Penmark herself--had starred in a 1995 horror comedy-ish film about an overprotective mother with homicidal tendencies, I was, duh, excited.

Quick Plot: McCormack plays a character IMDB lists, quite simply, as “Mommy” and though I *think* she had an actual name in the film, I didn’t write anything down and so I’m just going to pretend she’s called Rhoda 2.0. Rhoda 2.0 is a single mother to Jessica Ann (Rachel Lemieux), a pleasant little girl who often wins plaques for being just darling. This year, however, Jessica Ann’s teacher has decided to give the top honor to a needier student, and if we’ve learned anything from 1956, it’s that watching the wrong child earn a medal makes Patty McCormack angry, and trust us: you won’t like her when she’s angry.

That’s a lie of course. We loooooooove Ms. McCormack in any mood, especially when she’s not even trying to cover up the bloodlust in her giant blue eyes.

Naturally, it’s not long before the school's staff has an opening. The dreadfully miscast caretaker (who seems to pronounce every line phonetically) starts to sniff out the Rhoda 2.0 clan and Jessica Ann wonders why so many people seem to die after pissing off her mother. We get a little backstory at how Rhoda 2.0 has gone through her share of suitable husbands, an amusing tidbit that’s sadly not developed nearly enough. The current suitor is (SPOILER ALERT) a secret FBI agent who also happens to truly care about the young Jessica Ann. Toss in Jason Miller--yes, The Exorcist’s Jason Miller--as a surly head detective and B-Movie babe Brinke Stevens as a sweet aunt and you have the makings of a campy horror.

Written and directed by crime novelist Max Allan Collins, Mommy is a bad movie in the way bad movies are made to be made and cherished on a popcorn-fueled Sunday afternoon. As you can see from the extras, Patty McCormack is a fine actor capable of great and diverse work, but she’s also good-natured and dedicated enough embrace the role that made her famous for over forty years. Having mastered the sociopathic honors student onstage and screen, McCormack brings the same maniacal perfectionism to Mommy that earned her an Oscar nomination with The Bad Seed. 

Does the film do her justice? No, but her energy is almost enough to make it feel as though it did. Collins makes his directorial debut with a budget so low, its price tag nearly pops up in every shot-on-video (in 1995, no less) scene. I’m hoping the sequel--yes, there is one and worry not: it’s high on the queue--goes a little more out with the shameless kitch factor. I kind of dug some of the twistedness of Mommy’s parenting, such as how she convinces Jessica Ann to help smear the name of the late almost Mr. Penmark 2.0. 

High Points

As Jessica Ann, young actress Lemieux holds her own quite well, both in her shared scenes with McCormack and the well-delivered (if barely audible) narration

McCormack’s final line is absolutely fitting as it shows the true nature of a woman more obsessed with herself than she can possibly know

Low Points

I’m not normally one to quibble with budgetary restrictions, but a little more lighting would have, you know, allowed us to see what was actually happening in the movie

Likewise, an aggressive score is the right idea for a film of this kind of nature, but we also would rather hear the (admittedly not great) dialogue than bombastic orchestral music

Lessons Learned

When confessing your secret identity or homicidal plans to the child of a murderous psychopath, it’s probably a good idea to lower your voice

Falling four feet off a ladder will kill you


If you’re employed as a caretaker, stay the hell away from Patty McCormack

A good aunt lets you stay up late to watch Seinfeld

Rent/Bury/Buy

Mommy is a film made for a very specific audience: fans of The Bad Seed. The diehards amongst that hopefully large demographic will be happy with this DVD, a disc that includes a commentary and a warm and charming interview with Ms. McCormack (who also contributed a lot to fine The Bad Seed release). For others, it's not violent or campy enough to really merit much of anything.