Karma Kameldoon

Is Patrick Muldoon the worst actor alive to actively get work? I say this as someone who was TOTALLY Team Austin & Carrie back in the ‘90s heyday of Days of Our Lives, but with age comes wisdom comes the realization that, well, this guy kind of sucks.

Naturally, that means his presence in a sleazy low budget thriller streaming on Amazon Prime is a must-watch.

Quick Plot: In one of the best credit sequences of all time, a catchy modern pop song plays while we get a fog-hued montage of Patrick Muldoon and Patsy Kensit tearing through 19th century London as Jack the Ripper and his bloodthirsty girlfriend. It’s cheesier than my dream plate of nachos and I’m instantly in love.

Cut to the present, where Dr. Trey Campbell (Muldoon in smart people’s glasses) works at a mental asylum on the Rhode Island coast. He’s so dedicated to his work that his annoying daughter Theresa and even more annoying wife Carly (Cry-Baby’s Amy Locane, who went on to have some of her own very bad karma via a vehicular manslaughter prison sentence) complain that he never has time for them. New England island vacation it is!

Before we can hop on a ferry, we first meet schizophrenic patient Maureen Hatcher, a beautiful murderer currently under heavy restraints in Trey’s hospital. Maureen believes that she’s really Agnes, the reincarnated gal pal of Jack the Ripper, and that Dr. Trey is the current embodiment of the famed killer. It’s a complicated doctor/patient relationship.

As Trey leaves to vacation with his horrid family, Maureen flirts with his substitute doctor. Like a true gentleman, he rebuffs her advances in the name of professionalism only to then pull a Kill Bill and attempt to rape her under sedation. 

It doesn’t end well.

Maureen escapes the world’s worst guarded mental hospital with ease, taking out a few more employees and stockpiling random body parts along the way. She makes a quick stop at a lesbian bar to pick up a similarly sized blond with an even worse southern accent than herself to murder and stage the body in a car accident. The world’s best car accident ever.

One of the signs of a great movie--I mean a REALLY GREAT MOVIE--is spontaneous combustion.

Like a gorilla drinking a martini, it just makes everything better.

Don't lie: Seeing this just improved your day tenfold

In the case of Bad Karma, we get our dose of Best Movie Ever when Maureen props her victim in the vehicle, puts it into drive, and watches it coast over a cliff, blowing up before it hits the water. I may have almost failed high school physics, but I’m fairly certain that this is not possible in modern engineering.

From there, Bad Karma slowly goes downhill. Sure, we do eventually get Patrick Muldoon attempting a British accent, and there’s a lot of inefficient police work and severed hands to keep the cheese cold. We get some token sleaze as Maureen hitchhikes with a dad who puts the moves on her despite his kids being the backseat, but the overall energy just doesn’t quite stay where the dairy queen in me wants it to be.

It’s a hard feat.

High Points

If a spontaneously combusting compact doesn’t get you going, check your pulse

Low Points

Needs more cheddar

Fun Fact

Bad Karma was produced by Mark L. Lester, the demigod responsible for Class of 1984 and far more importantly, Class of 1999. Note that it's never the wrong time to discuss Class of 1999

Lessons Learned

Rhode Island mental hospitals for the criminally insane can also be used as public school classrooms

A gunshot to the shoulder is not nearly as fatal as you think it is, despite your medical school education

Extremely violent mental patients are allowed daily eyebrow plucking sessions

No woman can resist the charms of Patrick Muldoon

Rent/Bury/Buy

Look, there’s nothing GOOD about Bad Karma, especially when you realize director John Hough is the same man responsible for The Watcher In the Woods. But hey, those in the mood for a mildly sleazy thriller with high doses of Patrick Muldoon in a top hat won’t find anything better.

We Didn't Start the Fire (Drew Barrymore Did)

Though it's true that Drew Barrymore's heat-rising Charlie is the protagonist of 1984's Firestarter, she’s still something of a petite monster, what with her ability to set ablaze anyone or thing that crosses her path. Hence it’s inclusion here at February’s Vertically Challenged Villainy!

Quick Plot: Pyrokinetic Charlie and psychic(ish) dad are on the run from the evil government seeking to study their paranormal abilities, powers caused by some voluntary testing Dad David Keith/Keith David/The White One Of The Two did with wife Heather Locklear back in college. Hitchhiking brings them to the happy-go-lucky farm run by Art Carney and in a rare non-villainous role, Louise Fletcher, but even the safe haven of every Wookie’s favorite neighbor and Nurse Ratched can’t protect them from evil suit Martin Sheen and his maybe-pedophiliac henchman played with oily wrongness by the great George C. Scott as an eyepatch wearing ponytailed maybe Native American.

Whatever.

Let’s get this out of the way: Firestarter has one glaring flaw, and that blazing fire of a problem is kind of important.

It’s boring.

Obviously, not every Stephen King film can be 90 minutes of ridiculous dumb joy like Maximum Overdrive or well-crafted tension like Misery. But when a promising story is put in the hands of the kind of filmmaker like Mark Lester, the man whose youthful energy made Class of 1984 pop and Class of 1999 positively explode, one can’t blame ME for having high expectations.

Having not read the novel, I don’t necessarily know which direction the film should have taken but having, you know, SEEN the film, I’d like to say: not that one. Safely between E.T. and rehab, young Drew Barrymore is perfectly fine and eerily confident in the lead role, while David Keith/Keith David/I Will Never Know For Sure makes a believable, sympathetic father. Sheen and Scott can do this kind of work on the toilet and still manage to earn awards for it. Performance is hardly an issue for Firestarter.

So what is? The fire stunts are impressively dangerous (though some bullet magic comes off a tad silly) and the IDEA of a government exploiting its people in the name of science has its merits. But much like David Cronenberg’s head-popping Scanners, Firestarter just doesn’t seem to know how to make its universe as interesting onscreen as the concept is on paper.

By no means does it mean Firestarter is a terrible film or on par with the drudges of Stephen King’s filmography. But given the choice between watching kid Drew Barrymore get tormented by scary Cat’s Eye goblins or nondescript government agents, I assume the choice is obvious.

High Points

George C. Scott rarely missteps when it comes to acting, and his creepy role here as a man obsessed with Charlie’s power is easily the most interesting thing onscreen. Or maybe I just dug the fact that Patton was wearing an eyepatch and ponytail. Who can say?

Low Points

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Lessons Learned

If you find yourself stuck in a Stephen King project, never, and I mean never, put your trust in Martin Sheen

Rarely should you believe a man who carries $500 bills

When the person standing next to you is gunned down by a sniper, the proper next step is probably not to remain in place

Credits Curiosity

For whatever reason, the opening credits list the cast “In order of appearance.” I don’t see how this is a good idea

Personal Connection

So there was a hidden reason for my excitement at revisiting Firestarter: as a child, the title happened to be my very own parent-given nickname, based on the fact that my-then blond hair and still-eternal hotness (body temperature-wise, not that I was a sexy two-year-old) made me something of a dead ringer for li’l Charlie. Clearly our career trajectories continued to parallel one another (I don’t want to talk about the dark days and what my equivalent of Babes In Toyland or Tom Green was)

Rent/Buy/Buy

Stephen King fans or ‘80s enthusiasts might find Firestarter worthy of a gander, though speaking as someone who could mildly classify herself in either category, I was let down. The DVD is absent of extras, a shame since Lester’s commentaries are often as interesting as the films themselves (and come to think of it, a commentary by the craft service caterer or Barrymore’s on-set tutor might have been more interesting than the final product). It’s there, and if you want to watch it, I promise not to set you on fire or anything. Unless you’re mean about it. Then I’m breaking out the marshmallows and having some REAL fun…

Bad Teacher, Worse Students

Based on fleeting memories of watching Class of 1984 at a far-too-young age, I had no actual anticipation of writing about it here.

A pile of punky corpses later--one of which belonged to my favorite teenage Antichrist of all time from a little Doll’s House classic known as Fear No Evil--and I realized I’d be missing out on one supreme slasher.

Quick Plot: Meet Mr. Norris, an optimistic high school band conductor making his debut at Lincoln High, the kind of institution where metal detectors are just a formality and the teachers are expected to maybe have a certificate and college education but to definitely have a black belt or revolver. 

On his very first day, Norris manages to make enemies of Peter Stegman, the baby-faced underachiever who spends schoolnights running prostitution and drug rings despite his natural intelligence and piano skills. 

Because Norris is kind of a dolt, the enemyship escalates with every passing weekday, leading to a few of the following:

Biology teacher pal Roddy McDowell’s class pets slaughtered

Norris’ car blown graffitied and, well, exploded

Teacher’s pet Michael Pre-J. Fox stabbed in the gut

Norris is falsely accused of beating a teenager up

Michael Pre-J. Fox’s pal climbs up a flagpole in a drugged out mania and falls to his pledge of allegiancing death

And his even dafter pregnant wife gets gang raped

These are terrible things to have happen to you, but am I a bad person for having to say the dude *kind of* asked for it? Questioning wimpy student Fox in front of the stab-happy gang? Hauling the drug dealers into the principal’s office without any real solid footing for how to punish them? Smashing the bully’s car? Abandoning his loyal band students at their biggest hour?

If I had one problem with Class of 1984, it’s that it was awfully hard to get behind the protagonist when he came off as the biggest idiot this side of the border. Or that side, since it’s fairly clear that Class of 1984 was proudly made on Canadian soil. It’s a minor issue...

In a pretty damn kickass film. Director Mark Lester (working form a script with his, Child’s Play's Tom Holland and actor John Saxon’s screenwriting credits on it) clearly went into filming with a deep passion for his story, as well as a solid and timely hold on the the-emerging punk culture. Everybody onscreen--from lead Perry King to all-star McDowell and all the young thespians reveling in their prime--brings a grand and all-out energy to their roles, making just about every major and minor character believable, interesting, and often both. The actual themes of bureaucratic hand tying and undisciplined youths are a tad heavyhanded but heartfelt enough to hold up strong. It’s a daring and creative film, even when crafting careful homages to A Clockwork Orange.

Oh, and the last 15 minutes are about as gory and violent as Fear No Evil, minus the bully boobs and dodgeball deaths. See Low Points.

High Points

As the baby-faced sociopath building a mob-like empire in high school, Timothy Van Patten’s Stegman is a truly unique and layered villain, part genius, part low-life, part mama’s boy and all fascinating charisma

Goodness can Roddy McDowell elevate material! His most infamous scene waving a gun in front of his laxer students’ faces is easily the heart and high note of Class of 1984, lending a deep, sad, and disturbing weight to what could have been a mere exploitation film

The film apparently won a British Oscar for its costume design, which might surprise you until you really look at some of the styling going on in Stegman’s gang

Low Points

It’s probably more a testament to the many other youth-gone-wild films that have made some common sense seem more possible, but it truly is occasionally straining to accept Norris’ naiveté, particularly on the third ‘why don’t you go stay with your mother?’ plea made to his even airheadier wife

No death by dodgeball or bully boobs.Though credit to this guy for trying:

Lessons Learned

It was incredibly easy to blow up automobiles in the 1980s

Shimmying up a flagpole is easier than you think, at least if you have a sniff of cocaine helping you out

The human heart has four chambers and if you don’t know that, Roddy McDowell will blow your face off

Child labor laws have evolved much over the last 20 years, particularly that whole amendment about not allowing 14 year olds to stab classmates  on orders from their place of employment

Rent/Bury/Buy

I was impressed at how much I enjoyed Class of 1984. It’s gritty and dark, but also incredibly watchable and occasionally quite humorous. Though it’s true that I’ll probably watch this far less than Mark Lester’s lighter, more ridiculous(ly amazing) semi-sequel Class of 1999, it’s still a high recommend for a rental or purchase, particularly since Anchor Bay’s release is loaded with extras. A making-of featurette includes interviews with cast and crew while the director and Anchor Bay producer commentary track is both informative and intersting, demonstrating most importantly that Class of 1984 was a film that everyone fully invested their energy into making. We don’t get enough of those.