And the Golden Lifts Go To:

 Zelda Rubinstein

1933-2010

It's hard not to love this woman. Standing at just 4'3, the late actress is best known--to horror fans and the general public--as Tangina, the ethereal medium who helped save Carol Anne from not one, not two, but three Poltergeists between 1982 and 1988. Before her passing in 2010, Ms. Rubinstein had amassed a bevy of key roles on the big and small screen, with credits that were mainstream (Picket Fences,  Sixteen Candles), indie (Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon, Anguish) and belovedly cult (Teen Witch).

With a voice that somehow called to mind strawberry marshmallow fluff, Zelda Rubinstein was one of a kind when it came to performing. Like many genre fans who saw a sleepover party turn to screams once the PG-Rated Poltergeist showed up, I personally always had a soft spot for her unique presence whether it was on an episode of Tales From the Crypt or as the well-known voice that cooed "Taste the Rainbow" for Skittles ads. As I sat back to wonder which supporter of the vertically challenged qualified for a pair of Golden Lifts (the now yearly award bestowed upon someone awesome with a connection to shortness), Ms. Rubinstein seemed a natural Cinderella fit.

Upon poking a little more into the other side known as the Internet, I was thrilled to discover that not only was Ms. Rubinstein a wonderful actress, but more importantly, a truly wonderful person.



Having left a successful position as a lab technician to pursue the Hollywood dream (which found her late into her 40s) Ms. Rubinstein wasted little time in pairing her successful acting career with admirable work for better causes. Her first film role in the Razzie Award winner Under the Rainbow made her question how little people were seen by the film industry, leading her to establish the Michael Dunn Memorial Repertory Theater Company. Named after an Oscar nominated little person, the (now defunct) theater was composed of 16 fellow little people with the glorious mission statement "Become an actor and your world will get much bigger."

After stealing her scenes in Poltergeist, things certainly did for Zelda. She worked steadily from that point on and bravely used her growing fame to help bring awareness about the life-or-death importance of safe sex during the early days of the AIDS epidemic. Playing a kindly mother encouraging her gay son to use protection, Rubinstein appeared in print and television ads for L.A. Cares at the risk of putting her career in jeopardy. Looking at this from a 2012 perspective, it's hard to believe that just 30 years ago, actors could be unofficially blacklisted for speaking about the kind of issue that can now be recognized through simple red ribbons, but in 1984, becoming a spokesperson for such a then-controversial (and sadly still so, in different ignorant ways) issue could have been a career killer.

 

Zelda Rubinstein knew that. And it didn't matter. This woman who had faced the odds since birth with what some would've called a handicap was willing to risk her newly prominent reputation to illuminate an issue that she cared deeply about, and one that the whole world should've addressed sooner.

Despite what our cultural atmosphere wants us to believe, movie stars are not superheroes. They (sometimes) have a specific skill set paired with great luck and with those tools, they can give great performances or mumble through a script and sometimes, take everything that comes with it to make a difference. Zelda Rubinstein didn’t necessarily change the world, but she piped up in a time when others didn’t while also establishing herself as a formidable screen presence. These posthumous Golden Lifts won’t do much, but personally, I for one am glad to have learned a little more about a woman who was far more special than I ever realized.

 Also, that dame could ROCK a sassy hat!

Doll Face Meme!

So I'm a woman of a few talents (surviving bad cinema, badminton, Boggle) but like any mere mortal, certain skills elude me. Organization. Social planning. Planning. Planning socialism, you get the idea.

For instance, I announced a contest several months back which still excites me, and yet I've yet to select a winner. What this means is 1) I will do so this weekend and 2) Said winner will receive a special "I'm sorry I'm a procrastinating poophead prize," fear not, not comprised of poop. This also means I will start reviewing the recommended films with intros from the lovely and daring souls who entered.

Also, it's social blogging season and like most times of year, I rarely seem to be 'wid it.' I've had half a Billy Loves Stu  inspired meme sitting in my draft box for a month, 9 entries into my Horror Digest  honored Willies, and terribly lax thank yous for Versatile Blogging. 

But finally, I found a trend I can easily hop onto! No, not Bandz or street dancing (well, kind of street dancing...hint hint bonus episode of the GleeKast coming at you in 3D!) but the Screen Grab Meme Spectacular bestowed upon me by none other than the baton-twirling BJ-C of Day of the Woman .  Bloggers are ordered to grab a few images with one unifying theme. Now I combed through my globby brain for days trying to figure out what would be appropriate before finally bashing my own noggin with a frying pan for overlooking the obvious.

Starting with The Godfather of Dollinema...

whose name need not be said

Baby Oopsy Daisy, Demonic Toys

Dolly Dearest, Chucky's first true love

Cowboy Curtis (I'm guessing), from Stuart Gordon's Dolls

My Cheat (not screen grab of cinema)

Billy Baloney, Pee-Wee Herman's naughty friend. True story: despite my doll phobia, this thing lived in my house all through my childhood. As recently as three years ago, my mother kept it on top of the refrigerator and would occasionally bring it to the dinner table with the prime aim of making me uncomfortable.

Dream Warriors Got No Strings!

One of the eeriest (if memory serves) PG-Rated films of all time, Roland Emmerich's (yes, that Roland Emmerich) Joey, aka Making Contact

Further proof that all dummies are evil: Anthony Hopkins and Fats, Magic 

May and Suzy

The soon-to-be-Criterioned Night of the Hunter

It takes a bad man to combine clowns with dolls. 

Steven Spielberg, I see your true soul.

Blade, the respectable leader of the Puppet Master series

Mannequins = Dolls all grown up.

Mannequins=me crying in the corner

Tourist Trap 

An underrated anthology classic, Tales From the Hood

And we conclude with the question that's plagued mankind throughout the ages:

How'd it get buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurned?

I was supposed to use this space to tag fellow bloggers to make them work, but how can I focus on choosing who to assign Googling to when the best YouTube compilation of all time is screaming at me?

Like Beauty & the Beast, but with more killing

What happens in horror when common household goods get angry? Generally, really great things. For the audience. Observe:

The Refrigerator

Yes, this movie exists and yes, it’s fabulous. A young couple moves into a furnished Brooklyn apartment and find a vintage refrigerator-freezer welcoming them with a plate of cheese. Too good to be true? Naturally, as the titular appliance turns out to be a portal to hell (ironic, cause you know...refrigerators are cold). The fridge doesn’t do much in the way of menace, other than hiding your keys and occasionally closing back and forth on human bodies, but the film itself is quite a hoot. Plus, for extra bonus points, there’s a homicidal blender, house fan, and garbage can (that naturally kills by...closing back and forth on human limbs).\n\n

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats

How, you might ask yourself, could one possibly make a monster out of that giant rectangle you snuggle atop every evening? Apparently, with very little talent and money. Make no mistake: Death Bed is a terrible, terrible film that barely can be called one. Characters never actually speak to each other, instead taking turns narrating their emotions. No relationships make any sense. And the bed, ahhhhh the bed. It eats. Should you dare lie down for a nap, expect to be sucked inside so that director George Barry can show off the film’s sole special effect: gooey yellow plasma dissolving whatever floats. It doesn't quite end there, as we learn that while Death Beds don't dream of electric sheep, they do fantasize about spinning newspaper reels that highlight their killing sprees on the cover. It's kind of adorable.

Tourist Trap

Though it’s the eerie mannequins and evil mannequin maker responsible for most of the terror in this underrated 1979 classic, Tourist Trap does open with some very angry living room furniture, including a Beauty and the Beast-esque armoire armed with an arsenal of weaponry. Beware self-closing windows, flying dishes, and of course, the occasional knife with the mind of its own.

The Mangler

Cynics would say The Mangler was most likely inspired by Stephen King’s need for a new swimming pool. We can imagine America’s most successful horror novelist gazing around the house, hungry for some inspiration and thinking “well, nobody’s ever done a killer washing machine before.” I’ll give him and director Mick Garris a little more credit for eventually ending up with The Mangler, mostly because for all the film’s failings, it does find some innovation in using not just your average Maytag. Set in an industrial laundromat that thirsts for the blood of virgins, The Mangler epitomizes the cheap messiness of '90s horror, for better and worse. And hey: a killer ice machine costars. Anyone else smell a spinoff?

Maximum Overdrive

In 1986, a comet hits the world, mechanical objects of all shapes and sizes go postal, and Stephen King does a whole lot of cocaine. The results of all three are oddly fabulous, as everything from arcade games to a drawbridge take their pent-up rage against all things human (and in the case of a toy car, canine). Sure, the main attraction and biggest baddies is the well-trained army of mack trucks that round up a ragtag band of survivors at a gas station, but we should never forget that for all its bad movieness, Maximum Overdrive does boast a few unique kills. Who knew playing arcade games could be so dangerous?

Final Destination

Technically, it's more of an Invisible Man version of the Grim Reaper that does most of the slaughtering in this modern franchise, but considering the fact that every installment featured an inanimate killer, I couldn't not include it on this list. Examine:

Part 1: Killer water spill, Ginsu knives, violent computer

Part 2: Naughty sink holds jerk hostage in a complicated series of events leading to his eventual death via fire escape. The stovetop serves as an accomplice.

Part 3: Frisky tanning beds

Part 4: Clumsy lawnmower, cheeky chair

Poltergeist

It was not my intention to include any form of satanic or demon possessed doll on this list, as that warrants an entire encyclopedia of films that can't even be touched here. So ignore, for a moment, the laughing clown-faced elephant in the room and instead consider the many tangible and typically household objects turned angry meanies: a swimming pool, bucket o' chicken, kitchen chair, braces (Part 2) and mirrors (Part 3). This house can't be clean if you're afraid to touch the vacuum!

I expect--and really, kind of hope--I’ve missed an entire pantry worth of violent appliance films. Share yours below...right after you shut down the power and dispose of all batteries.

Rugrats Worth a Rescue

For many horror audiences, the very presence of a prominent child character spells doom. One less death scene (I mean, with the exception of Who Can Kill a Child?, who CAN kill a child?), plus the more-than-likely chance that we’ll be subjected to an abstinence inspiring performance.

Every now and then however, those underage thespians impress. Sometimes, it’s pure dramatic talent, while other kids are simply likable enough to warrant survivor status. Upon watching the mediocre prequel Amityville II: The Possession, I realized that as much as I was craving the inevitable massacre, I wanted to spare the two youngest moppets, whose only cinematic crime was having an easily possessible older brother and an NRA enthusiast of a father. For that, they didn't deserve to die. Plus, they were cute.

This week’s countdown is devoted to the best kid characters in horror. Note that I'm sticking with those on the “good” side, because it’s far too easy write a linguistic shrine to Rhoda Penmark. In other words, expect a slow and uninspired day of mine to feature a linguistic shrine to Rhoda Penmark.

5) Corey Feldman as Tommy Jarvis, Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter

Remember when Corey Feldman was the brother you always wanted? A few years before he became the neighbor with great pot connections you wish would move upstairs and well before his semi-stardom as the slightly less annoying half of an uexceptionally unexceptional reality start couple you’d like to see exiled to a Battle Royale-esque Fox TV contest? Yeah, prior to puberty, Feldman was a unique presence onscreen, particularly when he played  the only memorable (and perhaps likable) character in a Friday the 13th film. As Tommy, Feldman was a resourceful Fangoria fan who knew a thing or two about monster hunting. His subsequent reincarnations--first as a disturbed teen and then as a bland grave-digging idiot--didn’t quite fulfill his alter ego’s destiny, but for once, Jason had a victim worth the chase and a slasher sequel rose above the Dead Teenager Genre. )

4)  Ivana Baquero as Ofelia, Pan’s Labyrinth

Guillermo Del Toro is a man of many talents, but much like a better-known American director soon to appear on this list, one of his most admirable strengths is his unique ability to direct children. The Devil’s Backbone features an entire orphanage of sympathetic pre-teens and Cronos has a perfectly cast (and totally adorable) little girl at its heart, but it’s Baquero‘s Ofelia who takes the mini-Oscar. Many child-starring films brand the main kids as supporting actors, but Ofelia is front and center throughout most of this horrific, historic fantasy. Whether she’s taking instructions from a CGI faun or standing up to her facsist stepfather, Ivana Baquero maintains a worldly dignity that transcends age.

3) Heather O'Rourke as Carol Ann, Poltergeist

Poltergiest is the perfect bargain horror film because there’s something scary for every audience. You may have outgrown your fear of that gumby-armed clown doll under the bed (although admit it: there’s no way you’ve outgrown your fear of that gumby-armed clown doll under the bed) but as an adult, the terror of losing your child suddenly takes on new and more terrifying implications. Cast Heather O’Rourke as the kidnappee in question and you can multiply that fear by a thousand Zelda Rubenstiens (but she’s small, so let's make it one thousand Zeldas standing on top of CraigT. Nelson’s shoulders). O’Rourke doesn’t do a whole lot in the first Spielbergian commandeered Hooper collaboration, but her angelic presence casts a deep and haunting mood over the the entire series. The tragedy of her young death amplifies this sadness so much that I find Part III unbearable to watch (plus, it’s a really bad movie).

2) Alex Vincent as Andy Barkley, Child’s Play

For quite a few years following my initial viewing, I ranked Child’s Play to be the most terrifying film of all time and attributed this declaration to two personal factors: 1) I was petrified of dolls and 2) I was six years old. Over time, I’ve slowly come to face just why Chucky was my boogeyman: his primary prey was Andy Barkley. Watching Child’s Play today, I’m struck by how vital Alex Vincent’s performance truly is. Observe his joy upon hugging that Good Guy the first time and you realize just how lonely a boy this fatherless tike has become, making Chucky’s turn so much more cruel. It’s one thing to crack the limbs of your irresponsible voodoo teacher or to fry the brain of a dubious child psychologist; it’s just pure evil to make a ice little boy cry.

1) Haley Joel Osment as Cole Sear, The Sixth Sense

Say what you want about the degeneration of M. Night Shayamalan as a filmmaker (are we throwing hives of killer bees? Because I should stretch first) but admit one fact: Haley Joel Osment’s performance as Cole Sear is heartbreaking. Playing the role of a dead-people-seeing outcast, Osment moves like a frightened deer and carries himself like an insomniac whose only moments of peace are nightmares Freddy Krueger would be scared to visit. The most terrifying scene comes early, as a cruel party prank places Cole in a locked closet with a raging ghost. When he finaly emerges, the look on 11 year-old Osment’s face is pure terror. Sure, he may have lost our sympathy in Pay It Forward and deserved a good mauling in The Country Bears , but Forrest Gump Jr. created a character that will always be worth a cuddly Bruce Willis's bodyguard defense.

So dear readers, which school-aged horror characters would you like to keep save from spirits, slashers, stranglers, and sadists?

It Could Be Bunnies...

I was truly hoping to get a double Easter feature in for Sunday, with both Night of the Lepus and Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter on my queue, but sadly an intensely busy week has devoured my free time faster than you can say homicidal robot teachers. Speaking of which, those homicidal robot teachers get a quick visit in my weekly Pop Syndicate Toychest blog on how to find the right house or apartment without succumbing to a horror haunted fate:

http://www.popsyndicate.com/column/story/new_corpse_on_the_block

And because it's Friday, because it's Cadbury Cream Season, and just because, here's George Bush getting cozy with an Easter Bunny:

Bonus points for anyone who wants to narrate the conversation between these two rascally rabbits.