Tis the Seasonal Horror

Wait...that's not it.

Okay.

For a rough stretch in the mid-aughts, Christmas horror had become the new zombie movie in that amateur filmmakers could make them cheaply, slap on a clever title or cover art, and find some form of distribution. The mere keyword of having the holiday on a virtual video shelf would often be enough for a spot. 

This seems to have passed, though today's feature feels very much a throwback. 

Quick Plot: Cole is a crappy teenager who would rather play video games rather than help his little sister Carol install the Christmas lights. Considering it's pitch black outside and snowing, he's not necessarily wrong for feeling that way, but he still shouldn't handle it like a little jerk (with an incredibly irresponsible mother). Carol climbs up the roof, quickly slips and finds herself dangling in front of Cole's window, a string of lights cutting off her circulation. 

Twenty years later, Cole is not good. He stayed in town and works as a mechanic, living a solitary life with his only companion being the titular Christmas Spirit, embodied by a masked wrestler with holiday leanings. Cole is pretty sure his buddy is the manifestation of his guilt by way of unmedicated schizophrenia, but it's still hard to resist socializing with the only other creature that seems to want anything to do with this gross, sad man.

The Christmas Spirit, however, has goals. It's convinced that Cole's guilt has trapped him in this form until Cole can restore the meaning of Christmas by way of a sacrifice. 

Enter Maggie, a social media superstar teenager (is there any other kind these days?) who loses her own love of the holiday when she catches her married mom in bed with her very own piano teacher. The fact that Maggie bears an uncanny resemblance to Carol gives The Christmas Spirit an idea: Cole must repeat Carol's accident on Maggie to...save Christmas?

Yeah, I never quite got it. Written and directed on what I must assume was a shoestring budget by Bennet De Brabandere, The Christmas Spirit is a clunky but earnest horror comedy that seems to be in battle between how much it actually wants to say about mental illness. Cole is pretty sure that his companion exists purely in his head, though the film suggests another boy (possibly suffering from similar symptoms) can see him.

It doesn't come together, though it's hard to not appreciate the energy that goes into the full product. The cast is game to do the ridiculous, straight down to the keystone cop sidekicks who make The Last House On the Left's characters look like the model of law enforcement. Maybe De Brabandere was a little too ambitious in trying to explore mental illness when his material would have worked better as a sillier, less complicated joke. By trying in half measures, the final product feels a tad...icky.

High Points

This is one of those cases where you have to imagine the cast had to do a lot of heavy lifting, and while not gunning for Oscars any time soon, Zion Forrest Lee gives his all as the pathetic Cole, while Matia Jacket shows very promising comic timing as Maggie. 

Low Points

Aforementioned muddiness regarding, "Is this funny?" or "Is this tragic mental illness?" And yes, I say this as someone who would throw her body in front of a sleigh to defend the honor of Christmas Evil

Lessons Learned

In no scenario is it smart parenting to let your young teenager install holiday lights on the roof when it's dark and snowing

The only upside about catching your mother having an affair around the holidays is that it will give you free reign on her credit card

The true meaning of Christmas is sacrifice (as in, human)

Rent/Bury/Buy

There's definitely a contingent of genre fans who appreciate unusual low budget horror that will find some things of interest in The Christmas Spirit. I don't think the film gets anywhere near where it's heading, but as a small, seasonal effort, there are certainly some things here I haven't seen before, and more importantly, it feels as though the full team was invested in making something unique. If you're in that very specific demographic, give it a low expectations try via Shudder or Tubi. 

My Sorority Sister Is An Alien

 

It's rare to discover a movie made in Canada that fully acknowledges it was, you know, made in Canada. Maybe it's my own history with Hallmark (I once paused once during Once Upon a Holiday at exactly the right moment to catch a screenshot of characters wandering by The First Bank of Ontario despite the film being set in New York) but it's shocking in the best of ways when a film rampant in aboots embraces its own politeness and ice hockey obsession.

Quick Plot: It's Halloween, and a teen jock enters a home to discover a pair of frozen frat bros watching static. Put a pin in that because now, it's winter at St. John's College and virginal freshmen Luke and Roger are very, very horny. 

Luke meets the dorm neighbors of his dreams in the laundry room. Lilly and Constance are a pair of pre-med sorority blondes eager to flirt with the Elijah Wood-by-way-of-Jonah-Hill Roger and CW-pretty Luke. It seems too good to be true because obviously, it is! Playing peeping tom like the typical college nerd of cinema history does, Luke discovers there's more to those beautiful bodies than pilates classes.

Tentacles! We've got CGI-spewing tentacles because as you probably figured out by now, Constance and Lily are aliens on a Canadian mission to find food and breeding opportunities. Not surprisingly, Luke has a hard time getting anyone to believe him, even after a few male students sporting bucket hats and pooka shell necklaces turn up dead in mysterious ways. 

He has two lady allies: ex-girlfriend and detective Nicole Eggert (give me that movie) and misfit classmate Alex, whose misfit status seems to stem from the simple detail that she has dark hair. As Roger grows closer to Constance, Luke knows their time is running out. What's a boy to do?

Decoys is a strange little film, one that plays like a junior version of Species but with (thankfully) a knowing wink. It took me just about up to the big talent show -- one that involved baton twirling, flame throwing, ventriloquism, and flight attendant safety lessons -- to confirm that director/co-writer Matthew Hastings expected his audience to chuckle more than scream. 

How much of that is fully intentional and how much came about when the 2004 computer effects kicked is probably up for debate. I'm guessing the target audience was more the age of the college characters than 40something horror bloggers, so while I can't really speak to how well the actual film works for its goals, I'll say that somewhere in its 90 minute running time, I stopped rolling my eyes and found myself rooting for it. 

High Points

Oddly enough, it's the absurdity of the "cold Canadian college beauty pageant" setup that somehow packs the most successful laughs

Low Points

On the other hand, icky frat pledges talking in rejected Animal House jokes as a language is pretty painful

Lessons Learned

Yanni fandom is the clearest indicator of alien origin

You can do a lot of bad things at a frat party, but spilling beer on angora is an unforgivable offense 

In Canada, a "red dress" (deliberately in quotation marks) is actually blue

Rent/Bury/Buy

When you find yourself in the mood for a mild Canadian sci-fi alien thriller with a sense of humor, I don't know how many more choices you'll have than Decoys (well, maybe its sequel Decoys 2: Alien Seduction).  It's streaming on Peacock in all its 2004 glory. 

We've Got Some THINGS to Experience

To-watch lists vary from one film lover to the next. For some, notching off every Best Picture Oscar winner is the goal, while others vow to see everything from one subgenre or, say, anything Martin Scorsese has ever referenced. Heck, even watching the entire Takashi Miike catalog could take up years of your retired life.

Then there are weirdos like me, seemingly sane, employed individuals whose lives remain incomplete without seeing all the movies considered the worst of all time. 

Hence today's dive into 20th century Canadian history, Andrew Jordan's Things. Next to its psychotic characters and miniscule budget, the bronze medalist villains are technically arachnids, so with February's annual Shortening in full swing, the time has come for yours truly to weigh in. Is Things the worst movie ever made? 

Quick Plot: Doug and his wife Susan have had trouble conceiving, so he's kidnapped a young woman (behind the scenes, a sex worker who only agreed to be on camera if her face was covered by a plastic Halloween mask, so we're already in special territory) to help get that job done. Or something? Honestly, I don't really know. Stuff -- or even, if you prefer, "things" -- happen, and we move upstairs (I THINK?) to what is described as a remote cabin owned by Doug. 

Doug's brother Don and his pal Fred come to visit, raiding the refrigerator for beer only to discover mysterious tape recordings of Aleister Crowley. They play them while recounting the plot of The Evil Dead and farting, which I guess was a popular way to spend a weekend in the late '80s Canadian wilderness.

Doug joins the party with bad news: Susan, who was undergoing radical medical experiments in order to have a baby, has died because her womb exploded? OR SOMETHING? I don't know, there are paper mache spiders everywhere and occasionally, the action pauses for news reports from adult film star Amber Lynn mostly discussing topics that have nothing to do with the action, including George Romero's continued efforts to copyright Night of the Living Dead. 

Do you sometimes find yourself looking at pictures of wolves in the arctic and wondering how there can be universally accepted logic that states such creatures are in the same species as pugs? That feeling of pure incredulous doubt is how you might feel when you realize THINGS is a movie, just like Citizen Kane or Wings of Desire or Friday the 13th Part V. Heck, Pieces suddenly seems like a masterpiece worthy of revaluation after getting through this...thing.

"You Have Just Experienced THINGS" reads the two-colored font at the end of this movie, and you know what? Credit to director Jordan and cowriter Barry J. Gillis because it's true. You don't watch Things. You survive it. 

Have I seen worse? Yes. And yes. And also, yes. But folks, I seek out some very, very bad films. Make no mistake: Things deserves its reputation. It is physically uncomfortable to sit through. 

So yes, obviously: I recommend this movie.

High Points

If nothing else, there's some delight to be found in the utter Canadianness of Things, particularly with my favorite bit of dialogue: 

"The blood is just dripping...like maple syrup."

I'll take it.

Low Points

I knew I was in trouble when the opening credits employed multiple fonts. IN MULTIPLE COLORS

 

Lessons Learned

Canadian paper towels are exceedingly noisy

When directing inexperienced actors, perhaps placing the cue cards directly behind the camera and not ten feet to the left will help your overall effect

Refrigerators are a great place to store haunted tape recordings and coats

Rent/Bury/Buy

Look, nobody SHOULD watch Things, but if you're a completist when it comes to the bottom of the very deep barrel of bad horror movies, you kind of HAVE to watch Things. It's there on Shudder to abuse your eyeballs. When you fly too close to the sun and need to be brought back down to the pits of what man can produce, have yourself a watch.

The Sisterhood of the Murdering Pants

There is no such thing as a bad concept for a horror film. A killer bed movie is just as valid in theory as a haunted VHS tape. It all comes down to execution and what's being done with said inanimate object of terror.

Yes, Slaxx is the killer pants movie. Allow me to slip into the changing room and see how it fits.

Quick Plot: Libby is living the millennial dream with her new highly coveted job: stocking the flagship Canadian Cotton Clothiers (CCC) store overnight for the grand launch of Super Shapers, an innovative design of jeans that will automatically adapt to your body for the most flattering fit. Plus, CCC helps you feel good about shopping! They're ethically sourced, non-GMO produced, and all the other buzzwords you've heard used on any company that advertises via podcasts.

As always, there's a drawback, and in this case, it's more than a $100+ price tag. The jeans, well, you know...want to wrap themselves around your torso and rip you in half.

But like, they're REALLY flattering to all body types!

At just 77 minutes long, Slaxx is incredibly self-aware about what it needs to do and what it should avoid. This is a killer pants movie. There are expectations.

I'm being fairly serious. You don't make a horror film out of such a silly concept unless you have a real plan, and it's clear from her self-assured direction that Elza Kephart and cowriter Patricia Gomez understood exactly how far to go on all counts. This is definitely a horror comedy, and one with some not-so-subtle satire fully loaded in each thread.

I'm not nearly as well-versed or responsible about it as I'd like to be, but fast fashion is a real issue in terms of its environmental footprint (or stomping, as it were) and morality of where these super low-priced and fast-shipped pieces that fall apart after two washes come from. I have no problem in the least with Slaxx tackling it.

Thankfully, Slaxx knows that homicidal bottoms are going to be silly, and the film has plenty of fun with the absurdity of its premise. But mixed in is, I kid you know, a real human story about the things we look past in order to look good.

Also, and perhaps more importantly to a lot of viewers: it's good! The cast has pop, the settings is so terrifyingly American Apparel that it hurts, and the story moves with the same speed as rotating fashion seasons. There's a nice relief when Libby brings the truth to her more skeptical coworker Shruti. Any other film would have at least a scene in between where Shruti rolls her eyes before seeing it for herself, but in the case of Slaxx, Libby shows her some video and Shruti is instantly on her team with ideas about how to tackle it. 

Efficiency is important in film, and nowhere more so than horror AND comedy. Kephart clearly has great instincts about how to tell her story in a dynamic, well-paced way. I look forward to seeing more. 

High Points
It's a small detail, and odd to harp on it when there are so many other great things about Slaxx, but in the internet age, I have to commend a film set in the modern era that finds such a perfect solution to cell phone failure. There's an all-night lockdown in place for the new product launch, with a brief window of escape at 1AM and then the full re-opening at 8. The rules are laid out clearly, our characters know them, and thus, we're not stuck saying "but can't they--" as the restless, oh-so-smart audience. Nope. They can't. Find another solution

Low Points
I love the idea that the ultimate villains of Slaxx are mid-level store managers with dumb ambitions, but if there was a place to expand the very short Slaxx, I suppose it could have been here. There might have been a way to say more about this minute branch of capitalism and how it connects to the deeper crimes happening at the source of production

Lessons Learned
Employee discounts come at a very high cost

Seasons move much faster in the world of ethical retail

Communism is when you're all equal, but not really

Rent/Bury/Buy

Slaxx will likely not please everybody, but I adored it. It's fresh, it's now, it has something to say, and has a whole lot of poignant fun saying it. Check it out on Shudder. 

I Hope I Get It

I don't exactly know why it's taken me so long to get around to 1983's Curtains. While it's never had a hugely positive reputation, it DOES have a doll, mannequins, interpretive dance, Samantha Eggar, and, most importantly, figure skating. If that's not a movie made for Emily Intravia, then frankly, I just don't know who I am anymore.

Quick Plot: Director Jonathon Stryker (John Vernon) is attempting to mount production on Audra, a drama about a woman going insane. Film star Samantha Sherwood (the always great Eggar) is set to star and decides to undergo intense research by posing as a madwoman, going undercover and living in a mental asylum to prepare. It's method acting to the extreme, and apparently, a little too much for what Stryker wants from his leading lady.

Some time later, Stryker decides to recast his leading lady via a weekend audition session with six young contenders. Included in the group is Brooke, a seasoned pro, Christie, a figure skater(!!!!!), Patti, a comedian, Laurian, a dancer, Tara, a musician, and Amanda, who is stabbed to death before she gets the chance to reveal her trade for the talent show. 

Thankfully for all, Samantha has managed to escape from the asylum just in time to join the Survivor-meets-A Chorus Line-esque audition weekend. Naturally, the other applicants are slowly picked off, all seemingly by a multitalented masked figure. 

I didn't know much about the behind-the-scenes (or curtains) happenings involved in Curtains at first, so my initial reaction was that this film was an enjoyable mess. Some sequences are weirdly wonderful--figure skating death because OBVIOUSLY, but also a decent stalking scene and some of the drama surrounding the genuinely good and magnetic Samantha Eggar--but throughout the film, there's a lack of focus that hurts the overall effect. Too many of the young females are shortchanged in their characterization, leading me to miscount who was left and to watch one of the final girls wondering who she actually was. 

Turns out, of COURSE Curtains was a mess because that's what happens when your director walks off the set, your producer finishes shooting over the course of a few years, various cast and crew members are replaced, and rewrites abound in a way that changes your story and tone. 

So yes, Curtains is an incredibly flawed and sometimes dull film. Thankfully, it's also weird enough to justify its place on the lower tier of Canadian cult classics. This is a movie that involves death via interpretive dance. If that doesn't excite you, we simply run in different circles.

High Points

She may not have loved the material, but Samantha Eggar gives a genuinely interesting performance that helps to elevate the overall film

Low Points

Aside from Lynne Griffin, the rest of the younger female characters simply don't get enough time to stand out as individuals, making it hard to be invested in any of the tension as the numbers go down

Lessons Learned

All's fair in love and auditions

To best keep pepperoni hot, stick it to your butt

You might be an insecure figure skater because you haven't made it to the Olympics, but any gal who can tie her shoelaces while wearing fuzzy gloves should win a gold medal for something

Rent/Bury/Buy

Curtains is now streaming on Amazon Prime, and while it's not quite a lost gem of '80s cinema, it is unique enough to warrant a watch if you've never done so. You won't get nearly as much figure skating as you should, but isn't that always the case?