Tuppence An Innocent

On the list of dangerous professions to have when starring in a horror movie, I think ‘governess’ must rank fairly high. Add in the dread of children speaking with British accents inside a large and ghost-ridden mansion and you can bet your spoonful of sugar that the overtime pay just isn’t worth it.

Quick Plot: Deborah Kerr plays Miss Giddens, a prim blond with the luck of the easiest job interview since Being John Malcovich. Although she has never actually worked with children, she adores them and instantly lands the position of being governess to the niece and nephew of a wealthy--but not lonely, hm hm hm--bachelor who inherited the rugrats without the slightest desire to even look at them. Miss Giddens immediately packs up her velvet bustles and heads to a secluded country home to meet, teach, and get really freaked out by Flora and Miles.

All seems well and Mary Poppinsonian at first, as Flora (played by a ten year old And Soon the Darkness’ Pamela Franklin) is an absolute dear, while Miles proves to be incredibly charming...perhaps too charming. It isn’t long before Miss Giddens starts to pick up on strange cues between the children, an odd closeness that ends in ominous giggles. Coupled with that, she keeps hearing voices and occasionally catching glimpses of figures no one acknowledges until the housekeeper reveals the fate of the previous governess Miss Jessel and her abusive lover, the family’s valet Quint.

The Innocents is an eerily gothic ghost story that takes its time a la The Haunting. Co-written by Truman Capote (based on a play by William Archibald which was in turn based on The Turning of the Screw by Henry James), the film has long been a favorite of greatest horror films/ghost stories/underrated genre pictures by the likes of such luminaries as Martin Scorsese. You can see why. From the haunting music box theme to shadowy menaces, director Jack Clayton (aided immensely by director of photography Freddie Francis) builds some brilliant suspense with every tool at his disposal. Heck, just hearing the name “Miss Jessel” spoken with an English accent is enough to send a few chills through your spine.

In addition to creepy ghosts with romantic liaisons, The Innocents is rich with something far more unsettling and not innocent: Oedipal leanings. The precocious Miles takes quite a liking to his pretty teacher, leading to an uncomfortable moment that puts Miss Giddens at the wrong end of an inappropriate goodnight kiss. It’s incredibly creepy and though it doesn’t get fully explored, the hints hang in the air with stifling weight.

High Points

Many a filmmaker could take more than a few lessons from the atmosphere of The Innocents, something established incredibly well both indoors and out

Low Points

Though Miss Giddens’ chastity does come across, we never quite get to know this woman outside of her relationship to the children. While that in itself is interesting, it would have helped to know a tad more about our main character’s past, at least to give us a clearer sense of her reliability. Although perhaps that was the point...

Lessons Learned

When you spot a ghostly figure lurking outside, always make a note of his rating because you can guarantee the first question asked to identify the stranger will be “Is he handsome?”

Suggesting a game of hide-and-seek inside a gigantic mansion just before bedtime is probably not the best idea a governess could make

Nothing weird about bringing a dead bird to bed with you. Nothing. At. All.

Pompadours don't look any more normal on gothic children than they do on Korean dictators

Rent/Bury/Buy

The Innocents is a hard film to find, but if it comes your way, it’s certainly worth dimming the lights for a quietly chilled evening. Fans of atmospheric horror should consider it required viewing in the same vein as The Haunting. Of course, it’s a slow trail and one not necessarily rewarded with a colorful Insidious ghost party finale or The Others-like twist, but The Innocents is, plain and simple, a classic in its understated horror straight into its tragic conclusion. Watch it...just not if you have to agree to supervise creepy British kids in order to do so.

Mmmmm...Ambrosia Salad? Oh. A DIFFERENT Food of the Gods

Going into Food of the Gods, I had no intention of doing a review. I turned it on, hit up the Internet, and had planned to spend the next hour or so occasionally glancing up at the screen for ‘70s wackiness while paying bills and answering old emails.

But then a rubber chicken the size of Chewbacca attacked our permed quarterback of a hero and I realized there was no way I could not write about this film.

It must be said: Food of the Gods makes Frogs look like a masterpiece.

Quick Plot: Eager to take a break in the comfort and innocence of nature, football star Morgan grabs a few buds and heads off to a sparsely populated island. Before you could say touchdown, one member of the posse is mauled to death by oversized wasps. It’s a tragedy. It’s bizarre. But the levelheaded Morgan decides alerting the authorities is a dreadful idea because they’ll never believe him.

Also, because he’s an idiot.

Elsewhere on the island are the recently widowed Ida Lupino (hamming it up in a film just a hair better than The Devil’s Rain), an evil scientist and his assistant (And Soon the Darkness’ Pamela Franklin), and a very pregnant couple who are boring and very pregnant. 

Oh, and herds of Rodents of Unusual Sizes that would be adorable if they weren’t trying to rip you apart with their fuzzy little mouths.

The terrible evil scientist, you see, has been developing some form of toxin that makes living things grow to immense proportions. Much like Lisa Simpson in that science fair subplot, he rationalizes his Frankensteinian crime with the idea that such food could be fed to all the poor orphans of the world. 

Don’t worry: he gets eaten by the cuddly rat puppets too.

You don’t need to know much else about this movie, made by that incorrigible, oft-MST3K’d Bert I Gordon (Earth Vs. the Spider, Village of the GIants, childhood favorite Empire of the Ants, etc). Too many characters survive. The mean ones die painful and hilarious deaths. The dumbest narrator in the history of film (yes, I’m including Diary of the Dead’s Deborah) slurs his way through a framing setup. Not a single creature looks anywhere near either a) real or b) large. If these descriptions don’t make you grin, this is not the movie for you.

High Points

Sorry, but I can’t not love a movie that has its female protagonist sweetly proposition the male hero with sex right as he’s about to set fire to a bunch of bear-sized rats

Low Points

For what it is, this is a perfect(ly bad) movie that will make anyone expecting an animals attack tale exceedingly happy. HOWEVER, a bone to pick with the ending: I’m not one to ever quarrel with a film that ends on what is supposed to be an ominous shot of a cow mooing into the future, but I don’t think the twist makes any of the sense Gordon was intending. See, ingesting the Food of the Gods makes you giant. Soooooo what’s the problem with drinking it in milk form, especially if all other creatures are already getting a head start? Shouldn’t you WANT to grow to insanely large sizes in order to better defend yourself?

Lessons Learned

Jobs for female bacteriologists are just not that easy to find

A plus side about shooting giant toxic bees: instead of exploding into gutty messes, their innards just melt and evaporate upwards

if you live on a farm, you’ll know everything there is to know about birthing babies (unless, I suppose, you’re black)

Rent/Bury/Buy

Currently streaming on Instant Watch, Food of the Gods is a riot and joy for those who enjoy awful ‘70s cinema. Great for kids or easily amused adults, it offers no intelligence, no scares, and no good taste. In other words, it’s some kind of wonderful.

And Soon (No, Actually Not Soon At All) the Darkness

In continuing my catchup of great daytime horror, today's featured film comes courtesy of a recommendation from one Andre Dumas (whom I assume with confidence to be the distant relation of the Mousekateer dude) over at The Horror Digest , a fine horror blog filled with an excellent assortment of reviews and musings from a talented mind.


Since this is an extremely slow film that takes its time moving, it seems fair that I should drag out this intro equally so. So. Spring eh? And how 'bout them Mets? That's a horror show to be in itself! And you know, ever listen to the lyrics of MacArthur Park? What's that about? Cake? Rain? Speaking of rain, it's April and...


Yeah that's not working. Let's just talk about the movie.

Quick Plot:

Two pretty young British nurses are on a bicycle holiday touring the French countryside. Jane, the level-headed (possibly because of her symmetrical haircut) brunette has the trip mapped and planned, but the 'bright blond' Cathy would rather relax, tan her rectangular midsection, and flirt with Frenchmen resembling what I assume the love child of Kermit the Frog and the stressed out teacher in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory would look like on a Vespa.

A cranky are-we-there-yet squabble breaks up the pair, with Jane hopping her red hot pants bum back on her bike and venturing on while Cathy hangs some damp underwear on a tree, pumps on the '70s tunes, and takes a nap on the side of the road (the world was a very different place pre-Girls Gone Wild). When she wakes up, Jane is long gone, as are one probably dry pair of panties. Far worse is the fact that her rented bicycle is now mangled and unridable. Looking on the bright side, her wedgie situation will most likely improve.

Upon pulling over for a drink, the non-French speaking Jane has an awkward exchange with a local that leaves her uneasy about the road ahead and behind. Swayed by her good girl conscience, she rides back to Cathy only to discover (gasp cue) no sign of her friend. Foreign help is fishy and hard to understand, and cell phones are further away than the end of the Cold War. 

And Soon the Darkness is filled with red herrings and careful plot twists, so I'll tread lightly here. Something is clearly amiss, but who's to blame? Is it the shady couple running a never-visited cafe? The spinstery British schoolmistress offended by sex and tourism? The slick and seemingly intentionally mysterious moped driver who works on 'impulse?' The sympathetic but evil mustache-sporting policeman? His insane elderly father who likes to make head accessories out of underpants?

I can't say how long the film keeps you guessing for, but it holds up the mystery incredibly well until its frightening reveal. While the cast--particularly Pamela Franklin as the final girl Jane--is exceptionally strong, most of the credit for And Soon the Darkness belongs to director Robert Fuest. 

Familiar name you say? Many viewers may remember him from The Abomidable Dr Phibes (still on my to-see list) but loyal readers here would know the man from the meltstravaganza of Shattitude and satanism, The Devil's Rain. On one hand, it's rather unbelievable that the same director could helm such shockingly different films in terms of quality. On the other, the few things that work in that star-studded atrocity involve Fuest's mastery of a sprawling desert landscape, something used to great effect in And Soon the Darkness.

This isn’t a film that rests on dialogue or plot. While the familiar premise of stranger-in-a-strange-land + missing person on the road draws us in, it’s Fuest’s camera that holds our attention for nearly 80 minutes before a genuine threat of violence. Many viewers probably won’t last that long, but the tense finale had me holding my breath and eventually, squirming in true discomfort and horror. The PG rating (yes, this was pre-PG13) isn’t totally unwarranted in terms of what’s on the screen, but if watched in full with the right patience, And Soon the Darkness is thoroughly unsettling.

High Points

Between the happy-go-lucky opening theme (repeated throughout to eerie effect) and some of the lighter musical cues, the score is carefully crafted and well used to full effect

I should explain that I have a personal connection to some of the fears on display here. No, I've never subjected myself to a hot pants bike tour or been teased by a lingerie-headed Frenchman, but I've lived abroad in the past without knowing much of the language. Fuest fantastically captures that discomfort one naturally has being an outsider in a foreign land. Jane probably does fine at cafes and hostels, but put her in serious danger and watch the stress and fear eat away the few French phrases she knows. The film wisely eschews any subtitles, keeping us--at least, the non-Francophiles and kids that failed French class--in the same helpless state of never knowing what others are saying about the situation. Combine that with the endless road and sparsely populated villages and you have a character in dire need of help, unable to explain why, and never sure if she can trust the man or woman who may or may not provide it.

Especially in pants like those

Low Points

Yes, there is no real kinetic plotting until the 80+ minute mark. While the suspense held my attention, this could easily dissuade a lot of viewers

I can’t really detail this plot piece without spoiling, so I’ll be vaguer than a Lost preview and say that the behavior of a major character towards the end is incredibly frustrating in hindsight. Don’t you WISH you knew what I meant by that!

Lessons Learned

In the '70s, vertically striped pants and mint green collared shirts earned you the description, "dishy"

The French countryside is home to quite a few abandoned trailer parks

Before embarking on a weeklong vacation with a casual friend, be sure you have common interests

Rent/Bury/Buy

This is the kind of film that didn’t really unnerve me until the next day, when I had some time to reflect on just how eerie the overall execution turned out to be. Because of its snail crawl pacing, I wouldn’t advise a blind buy, as many a viewer will simply be too bored. Rent And Soon the Darkness for a day when you have a solid 100 minutes and some intellectual energy to digest. The DVD includes a few extras and a filmmaker commentary, a fantastic listen for film fans with eagle eyes and open ears. As you might expect, there is indeed a remake in the works, this one starring All the Boy's Love Mandy Lane’s Amber Heard. I’m personally curious to see a modern take on this tale, especially if director Marcos Efron has the patience to let the setting (in this case, Argentina) speak for itself.