Whose breath is worse? A fire-breathing dragon or Matthew McConaughy

Of all the disasters we imagine will bring on the apocalypse, man-eating dragons is by far the least cinematically explored. C’mon Hollywood: flesh-eating viruses and nuclear holocausts can’t be that much more bankable.

According to 2002 Reign of Fire, they probably are.

Quick Plot:

English miners awaken a long dormant race of fire-breathing dragons, a hibernating prehistoric gaggle who spend the next 20 years eating humans, burning their food sources, and driving drably dressed survivors underground where they must entertain themselves with live reenactments of The Empire Strike Back.

Wait, this is a negative future?

Having survived the initial attack, a grown post-Newsies, pre-John Connor Christian Bale plays Quinn, the leader of the apparently incredibly fertile survivors who are slowly growing tired of such meager portion sizes. Assisted by a still handsome and not yet greasy Gerard Butler, Quinn tries his darndest to keep surly English folks alive and their kids prepared to hide when the inevitable attacks happen. Ho-hum life gets a twist with the arrival of a bearded American (aka the star of the modern classic Tiptoes ) and his military cohorts, a gung-ho gang eager to destroy the entire species of fire-breathers by killing the only male.

Yes, only male. The world has been taken over by dragons--that of course we can all accept. But of all the millions of flying carnivores, only a single creature has sperm to offer? Sometimes one can only suspend disbelief so much.

Ah who am I kidding? Made at a strange time in cinema when nobody was really investing millions into dragon slaying, Reign of Fire is a bizarrely attempted blockbuster that despite its post-apocalyptic setting, is rather fun. The monsters look no better than what you see on your average SyFy original and the attacks are nowhere near the gruesome joy as something like Starship Troopers, but this is the kind of film that makes for an enjoyable drunken or errands-around-the-house riddled Sunday afternoon.

At the same time, there definitely is something missing from Reign of Fire, a kind of false grandeur that never quite rings victorious. Perhaps it has something to do with Quinn's oddly unheroic mama's boy of a hero or the anticlimactic final attack, but for all its incredible possibility to be the kind of Doll's House favorite best served with cheddar, Reign of Fire falls a little short.

High Points

Though I’d still prefer to watch his nude bongo performance on pot, Matthew McConaughy is a rather ridiculous joy to watch

Low Points

Do we blame this film and the influence of a grizzled McConaughy for creating the surly monster that is Growling Bale?

Some of the grown men relationship stuff feels dull and simultaneously underdeveloped and too prominent. We came to this film (or didn’t, as it was a box office dud) to watch McConaughbeard fight dragons. How many shouting matches do we need?

Lessons Learned

What’s a great way to show an apocalypse without spending more than $5 of a budget probably reserved for Matthew McConaughy’s sweat buckets? Photoshop and Time Magazine

Dear medieval or post-apocalyptic societies: just because you have one minor victory after decades of hardship does not give you the right to have a free-for-all party. If there’s one thing monsters like Grendel and dragons hate, it’s 

confidence

The only thing worse than a dragon is an American...particularly a McConaughbeard

Rent/Bury/Buy

Reign of Fire isn’t the flaming ball of cheese I was hoping to relish, but it’s enjoyable in its oddness and well worth a lazy viewing. As both a Netflix Instant Watch and constant TV airer, it’s easy to catch without investing any capital into. 

Hasta La Vista, Colon

As I’ve said before, Terminator Salvation seemed too good to be true. Angry Christian Bale kicking ass in the post-apocalypse? With homicidal, power-mad robots? That’s more than enough to earn my $12. But if I’ve learned anything from apartment hunting on Craig’s List, anything too good to be true usually is (too good, not true), and the fourth outing of John Connor & posse isn’t quite what it could be.

At the same time, based on some of the feedback I’d heard before I eventually made my way to a Sunday matinee, I was expecting Batman & Robin levels of badness. There’s a chance my expectations had been lowered so far down that McG would have had to put nipples on John Connor’s SWAT gear for me to really hate the movie (although the temptation of seeing Bale’s nipples wouldn’t necessarily deter me from anything), but I genuinely didn’t mind Terminator’s fourth installment. Is it flawed? Affirmative. It doesn’t and maybe can’t, in 95 minutes, capture the grand mythology that’s become so much more intriguing in the prematurely canceled Sarah Connor Chronicles, but...well, there’s killer robots. And shiny stuff. 

So. Because I seem to be unable to make what sounds like a coherent case for why I kinda sorta didn’t hate, maybe even enjoyed T4, I’d like to address some of the charges brought against it. Court is in session. Spoilers will follow:

Charge 1: A fantastic supporting cast is wasted

Verdict: Reduced Charge

With names like Michael Ironside, Jane Alexander, Helena Bonham Carter and Bryce Dallas Howard filling in key roles, Terminator Salvation certainly had a better cast than it did script. While most didn’t get that big scene you would expect, I personally found that their very presence added a certain weight that’s not always found in blockbuster fare. Compare Alexander’s grandmotherly hostage to Common’s terribly acted mourning soldier and you see how vital a few good talents are (and how detrimental a lack can be). Ironside is always welcome--particularly when playing a surly badass. I find Bryce Dallas Howard to be an interesting actress, so it was a tad disappointing to see her relegated to the pregnant wifey role. That being said, this wasn’t Kate Brewster-Connor’s story. Hell, it was barely John Connor’s story. While I wouldn’t be surprised if the DVD release is packed with deleted “character development” scenes, the theatrical release couldn’t really sustain longer dialogue. It wasn’t an epic, and it didn’t waste its energy trying to be one.

Charge 2: Sam Worthington ain’t Arnold

Verdict: Guilty...

..but I can be lenient. Worthington is solid enough, and sympathetic in a gravely heroic way. I don’t know that a franchise could ever be built around him, but learning that he’ll be wearing Harry Hamlin’s loincloth in the upcoming Clash of the Titans remake eases the torturous pain I’ve been in since I heard that classic film was being unnecessarily reshot. As Marcus, Worthington was stiff enough to be a robot while portraying confused torment with just the right touch of a human heart. There’s something there, even if it occasionally lapses into an Australian accent. 

Charge 3: A PG13 Rating is blasphemous

Verdict: Not Guilty

Normally, a PG13 slapped on what had previously been an R franchise hurts like a mosquito bite from The Mist (yippee kay eh, mommy dearest). Past Terminator films made great use of the R with intense violence and some nice shots of an infamous politician’s firm buns, but Salvation doesn’t get soft with its more teenager-friendly restrictions. While there were no real holy shit! effects moments so wonderfully present in T2, the action was high and for the most part, suspenseful. And hey: the three-year-old kid some irresponsible moviegoer next to me brought into the theatre still cried a lot, so that must mean something...maybe I’m starting to reach.

Charge 4: No good villain

Verdict: Not Guilty

This Terminator had no colon (a grammatical one, not the organ). This was a different movie from the Arnold-enhanced previous installments, finally set during the war with machines. Machines, not A machine. What has always made SKYnet so frightening was not the fact that its poster boy was a future Kindergarten Cop, but that it had no face, no soul, and no individuality. I’d hate to get all JC inspirational here, but it’s vital to point out the difference between humans and the machines that are trying to destroy them. The very fact that there is no one entity to call the enemy, at this point in the franchise, is completely appropriate. 

Charge 5: Moon Bloodgood is terrible

Verdict: Guilty

Linda Hamilton fans, join hands and nod. I miss her too. 

Charge 6: The little girl character is unnecessary

Verdict: Reduced Charge

Yeah, the adorable lil mute child Kyle Reese watches over has no purpose other than to look sad and touch stuff, but something I found compelling (if not fully developed) about The Sarah Connor Chronicles was learning about children that grew up post-Judgement Day. It gave a human face to the apocalypse, and young Jadagrace (who continues what  must have been an impossible-to-not-laugh-at role call in the names department on the set of Terminator Salvation) serves this purpose fair enough. Since she doesn’t talk, we don’t have to deal with the annoyingness so often present in kid actors and here and there, she’s quite useful. Most importantly, her presence helps to heroize Kyle Reese, not as a grand action star, but as a scared but brave human trying to protect what's still left in an empty world..

Charge 7: Christian Bale is one note

Verdict: Guilty

After two rounds of Batman + one John Connor, I’m starting to wish poor hearing on every Bale co-star, if only so that he no longer mouths his entire performance as a whisper and just starts speaking normally. I don’t know that it’s Bale or the script at fault here, but I will side with many a critic and concede that Wales’ best Method actor didn’t quite portray a messiah worth worshipping. It’s especially disappointing because I really hoped that after the blandness of Nick Stahl and the slowly improving pretty boyness of Thomas Dekker, Bale would finally incarnate the spunky and resourceful JC first hinted at by juvenile delinquent Edward Furlong. Sadly, I couldn’t muster enough belief in Bale’s performance. He just seemed really angry and kind of...well...dull. 

Charge: Unbelievable ending

Verdict: Really?

To nitpick the logic of a Terminator film is about as productive as explaining global warming to George Bush. The very foundation on which lies the Resistance--and, essentially, the future of mankind, is null: John exists because he sent Kyle Reese back in time to impregnate Sarah Connor. If time is linear--as is hinted at by the series--how can John ever exist in the first place? More importantly, if we’re applying common human logic, why can’t Skynet just send a terminator back to kill Sarah Connor’s mother? Or grandmother? Or grandfather? Surely there’s some weak link down the line. Considering the smartest, most powerful and advanced computers in the universe aren’t able to just blow one person up, I can forgive an outdoor open heart surgery with poor medical supplies. 

So ultimately, I’m not willing to praise McG’s messy little movie, but I will defend it as decent summer entertainment. Hurl your comments, hostages, and Bale-inspired fury my way below. Or you can, dare I say it, lend me some support? After all, doesn’t everybody deserve a second chance (or, in the case of the morally fuzzy Marcus, a fourth or fifth?)

Ya Da Da Da Dah, 2018

Due to a continuously busy schedule and some limited Internet access, I haven't had the chance to compile my complete thoughts on the enjoyable mediocrity that is Terminator Salvation. Still, since it's the first film I've seen in the theatres in three months, it seemed necessary to post a few lessons Christian "The American Whisperer" Bale and friends taught me as I munched on non-movie theatre popcorn and a Duane Reade Peppermint Patty. Later this week, I'm hoping to go a little deeper with my T4 analysi/defense over at Pop Syndicate. Stay tuned, but first, take some notes. You never know when the American military will accidentally unleash self aware Austrian killer robots to herd us lowly bipeds into giant metal buckets.


So be prepared, in part because a few SPOILERS may follow, but also because in nine years, the future will be a world where the following is true:


Dr. Hibbert prevails! Major surgeries WILL be performed in the outdoors

Early versions of terminators will be unable to count to 3, at least when it comes to chances


Early versions of terminators will be prone to lapsing into Australian accents

Romantically unattached female members of the Resistance will not be the greatest judges of character. Or heartbeats.


SKYnet may be an evil collection of man-hating machines, but they do believe in free will


Hair ties will be hard to come by, but there will be a surplus of shampoo and hydrating conditioner

Two day old coyote is better than three day old coyote. Duh.


Despite a lack of food and sunshine, the survivors of the future will be rather hot


SKYnet's favorite film characters are Bond villains that rarely kill key prisoners with the power to thwart their plans


Post apocalyptic fashion will involve Samurai eye makeup


If you've never driven a car before, the best time to learn will be in a high-speed chase with advanced killer robots in hot pursuit. Don't worry: you'll do just fine.


Michael Ironside will continue to make anything cooler