You Gotta Have Faith

 

There are few worse conversations to be stuck in than the ones with people whose opinions you share, but who are incredibly obnoxious about making sure everyone around you knows why those opinions are so right.

Now let's make that conversation take 111 minutes.

Quick Plot: Mormon missionaries Sister Barnes and Sister Paxton are out and about on a chilly late afternoon to spread the word. Sister Barnes is a bit more experienced, having made several conversions even though (or perhaps because) she carries some emotional weight that led her to this faith. Eager Sister Paxton is all smiles and hope, and both tactics seem like they might work on their new target: Mr. Reed.

Played by a bespectacled and warm sweater-wearing Hugh Grant, Mr. Reed lives in an unusual house surrounded by trees and built with metal walls, the better to block your cell phone signal with. He teases the girls with the scent of blueberry pie being baked by his shy wife, then welcomes their stories of Joseph Smith with a little too much curiosity. 

What follows is a sort of theology debate that Jigsaw might have had in his freshman college year. Mr. Reed first lectures the girls on the similarities between Christianity, Islam, and Judaism, embarking on a very prop-heavy Monopoly metaphor that makes you wonder if retirement just isn't for everyone. He then traps his audience in his basement, dropping in a decrepit old lady with secrets of her own. Will they discover the one true religion in time for...well, I don't really know. Where exactly is this going?

Heretic is one of those movies that I didn't mind while watching, but with every day that passes, I find it...annoying. Writer/directors Scott Beck and Bryan Woods didn't do much for me with Haunt or their screenplay for A Quiet Place, so this may be a case where I just don't eat from their restaurant much longer. 

An A24 film, Heretic certainly shares some DNA with The Menu, a similarly snide and snarky horror comedy that has the advantage of being miles more entertaining. Sure, it might be repetitive once you understand the goal of villain chef Ralph Fiennes, but it has style, it has panache, it has things to say about artists who compromise their vision when their work becomes commodified for a wealthy paying audience. 

Heretic has Hugh Grant doing a fun Jar Jar Binks impression. 

I found this movie sluggish because, without spoiling anything, not much really happens, and when it does, the filmmakers get coy and cute about what it actually means (if anything). It's annoying all around. 

High Points

No, I didn't care much at all for this movie, but let's be clear that none of this comes from the performances, which are universally wonderful. Sophie Thatcher carries over her excessively watchable Yellowjackets energy. As Sister Paxton, Chloe East infuses all the positive earnestness of a young Mormon in a genuinely lovable way. Hugh Grant is always at his best when he's actively acknowledging that he's smarter than those around him, and while I found Mr. Reed insufferable as a human being, it was certainly a joy to watch Grant drill into his skin and yes, do the occasional Jar Jar Binks impersonation

Low Points

I just don't think this movie is as smart as it prides itself on being

Lessons Learned

Never trust a teenage girl with a camera

The only thing worse than a missionary at your door is a person eager to talk with the missionaries at your door

When trapped in a room without an exit, always observe where the liquid goes

Rent/Bury/Buy

Heretic is a polished film, and there's certainly an audience that will enjoy it. I'm just a bit too tired to be part of it. 

Notting Worm

I’ve never thought myself to be much of a Hugh Grant fan (namely because the man spent enough time with Elizabeth The Demon Hurley to probably be one knicker in hell already). But put him in a Ken Russell-directed horror film about ancient worm things where the fluffy Brit gets to make jokes about how his slutty maids should be wearing ancient chastity belts, and I’m kind of sold.

Quick Plot: A young Scottish archaeologist-in-training named (of course) Angus is sifting through the yard of a quaint bed and breakfast run by sisters Eve and Mary. The ladies have been spending the summer searching for their missing parents, while Angus is all about excavating a dinosaur. Meanwhile on the more mansion-y side of town, Eve's rich boyfriend John (Grant) is throwing fancy dance parties to celebrate the local legend of a giant worm.

It's a way more happening place than Dogpatch, especially when the mysterious 

Sylvia Marsh arrives in town to make a whole lot of double entendric statements about snakes. See, as you'll find out near immediately, Lady Sylvia is a bit of a worm devotee, a reincarnated or really ancient evil thing that sacrifices virgins (obviously) to the famed worm of John's fiesta happenings. Surely she has NOTHING to do with the disappearance of the wait a minute! symbolically named Mary and Eve's parents (and eventually, Mary and Eve themselves).

Directed by the generally much more experimental Ken Russell (The Devils, Tommy, Gothic), The Lair of the White Worm is an odd little hybrid that has justifiably earned a minor cult reputation. Aside from the future Divine Brown Toy For a Day, I imagine a good deal of its appeal comes from the simultaneously light-hearted and gruesome tone. 

Despite being based (loosely, I'm guessing) on a Bram Stoker novel, The Lair of the White Worm is horror comedy in its truest form. Yes, there's nun-rape, but it's so theatrically presented that it's hard to think of the scene as disturbing. The blossoming romance between Mary and Angus is sweet and without irony, while Grant's take on the wannabe detective John is never dull. The effects haven't exactly aged well--any scene that lingers on the titular monster ends up feeling more Bert I. Gordon than Tremors--but the violence has an entertaining gooeyness that nostalgically holds up.

High Points

It's quite easy to see why Hugh Grant went on to success with slightly morally askew but lovably fumbling British gent roles. As the rich but not cruel playboy, he brings a wonderful dryness to the part, proving that few men could deliver a line like "I like Mr. Flint’s hole. It's rather fascinating," with the same naughtiness

Low Points

Sure, there's something to the whole displaced knight thing, but it would've been a tad more interesting and modern to not have to watch the two female characters spend the last third of the film cowering in fear and crying through gags

Lessons Learned

Contrary to popular belief, Romans did not keep pet dinosaurs

Snake cultists are incredibly creative when it comes to dildos...land I mean Tetsuo levels of creativity

In order to play the bagpipe, one must don a kilt (duh)

The Deadly Doll's Dating Advice

And to anyone (most likely male) who has been made to sit through other Grant fodder like Notting Hill or Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason, might I recommend proposing this to the missus for movie night? Simply sell it as "A young Hugh Grant!" and offer to nuke the popcorn yourself. You will get some (of what I dunno, but you know....some).


Rent/Bury/Buy

The Lair of the White Worm isn't a masterpiece, but it has a wonderfully cheeky charm about it that has aged well. Sure, the bargain priced practical effects are somewhat analogous to the terror of cheap modern CGI, but the actors--Grant in particular--understand how to spread the humor, making it feel almost in tone with a British version of Fright Night. Sadly the DVD is barren of any special feature (including subtitles! and isn’t Scottish its own language?) but if you haven't seen the film, it's certainly worth a rental.