But Is It Gluten-Free?

Like many of my Generation MilleXial brethren, my introduction to Soylent Green came via the one and only Phil Hartman.

Sure, that '90s Saturday Night Live sketch might have spoiled the ending of one of sci-fi's most famous movies, but it still piqued my interest enough to give the film a go. It's now been a good 20+ years since I've last watched Soylent Green, and while DVR'ing off of TCM isn't that impressive a future over renting a VHS, it's still quite a thing to see with 2017 eyes. 

Quick Plot: It's the year 2022(!), and the world's population is exploding. Over 40 million people now live in the New York City area, so while I may have thought my first few Manhattan apartments, with their shared bathrooms and converted closet-space-to-bedrooms were small, I now see that I was indeed a spoiled, spoiled urbanite. 

With the world being a mess of pollution (whaaaaaaa? NEVER!) fresh food is a luxury only the 1% can afford. The rest of the proletariat "enjoys" nutritional products put out by the Soylent Corporation, supposedly plankton-based squares of protein. When one of Soylent's top executives, William Simonson, is found dead, Detective Thorn (full-toothed and scarfed Charlton Heston) suspects murder, something the deceased's business associates are quick to cover up. 

On hand to help Thorn is Sol (the great Edward G. Robinson), his elderly roommate who reminisces about a time when food came from the earth, and Shirl, the beautiful "furniture" that came with the corpse Thorn investigates. Thorn suspects Simonson's bodyguard Tab Fielding (Tourist Trap's Chuck Connors) of foul play, especially considering the working class hotshot is enjoying such luxuries as $150 bottles of strawberry jam for his girlfriend.

If you've lived in any kind of pop culture space during the last 50 years, you probably know the real twist of Soylent Green's big reveal. I suppose the biggest question one might have in deciding whether to give this film a shot is whether that matters. 

Sure, it would probably be much more rewarding to experience Soylent Green without any foreknowledge of, you know, what the titular meal replacement is made of, but in my opinion, this remains a worthwhile watch. Directed by Conan the Destroyer's Richard Fleischer, the film isn't necessarily a landmark in the genre, but like a lot of its ilk from the '70s, there's something fascinating in its somehow dated-but-ahead-of-its-time conceits of the future.  

Yes, Soylent Green, like Logan's Run or Zero Population Growth, looks like a movie about the future that came out of the 1970s. And while we may be further from 5 years away from SPOILER ALERT, packaging our elderly into cracker squares, one can't read a newspaper today without thinking, "yeah, that's not the most outlandish 2022."

The film itself is flawed, but entertaining. Fleischer's future has a great smoggy grain about it that drives home the world's ugliness, with the contrast of Simonson's luxury high-rise and its artificial charms. Heston is at his masculine muggiest, but is wonderfully softened at times by his relationship with Robinson's Sol. While I would have enjoyed more exploration of society, the film does an interesting job of establishing a bleak, but livable future, particularly in how it uses the dirty, sad mobs that seem to pile up on staircases, in churches, and on the streets.

High Points

You know that moment in Wayne's World 2 when Wayne stops at a gas station for directions, and Mike Meyers breaks the fourth wall to ask for a better actor to elevate the material (and fittingly enough, Charlton Heston wanders in to deliver the scene)? I also call this the "Peter O'Toole Saves Troy" performance, wherein an older thespian shows up in supporting role to elevate everything around him. That's how I feel about Edward G. Robinson in Soylent Green. He's just so damn good, and everything around him is better when he's onscreen

Low Points

Look, I know the big announcement of the reveal is an AFI greatest line and touchstone in pop culture, but the film's actual ending somehow feels a tad disappointing, with a sort of open-endedness that feels more unresolved than ambiguous

Lessons Learned

Old people cry a lot

Lettuce will never be exciting, even if the world hasn't had fresh food in decades

In the future, never stand too close to detectives unless you plan on being shot. The dude goes through pedestrians faster than Spinal Tap drummers

Rent/Bury/Buy

Don't avoid actually watching Soylent Green just because you know the final line. While this isn't a masterpiece of cinema, it is a hallmark of American science fiction, and it has enough truly memorable parts to make it well worth the 100 minute investment. 

Reader Recommendation: The Omega Man

“In my heart, I really wanted to lobby for The Omega Man, it introduced me to post apocalyptic movies, and is simultaneously scary, campy and endlessly entertaining. I saw it four times when it was released theatrically and it never fails to thrill me.”--Shiftless

“It's a must see, but it's so ridiculous. Heston is classic macho stereotype. And the bad guys? Apparently being mutated means being covered in white makeup and talc powder. After you watch it, you'll understand why many people saw I Am Legend and said "What the fuck....?". Because the whole point of the story is that these bad guys are still recognizably human. That the mutants consciously decide to rid themselves of this "normal" reminder of what they once were.” Ghoul Friday

Yes folks, despite my unadulterated affection for plague-ridden universes, cult card carrying mutants, and the 1970s, I had never seen 1971’s The Omega Man. Perhaps part of it stems from my iffy relationship with Charlton Heston, a justifiably celebrated actor whose political hypocrisy always irked me (how does one devote such energy to unbridled support for the second amendment following a mini-crusade against the first during his 1992 protest of Cop Killer?). Still, Instant Watch, above listed recommendations, and the fact that I’m a sucker for a good old fashioned post apocalypse led me here.

Quick Plot: Heston plays Col. Robert Neville, a military scientist surviving a lonely existence in an almost empty Los Angeles. Two years earlier, germ warfare was waged between nations, leaving most of the world’s population dead within a few minutes of catching the airborne plague. Some survived, their bodies processing the sickness by turning into albino-ish creatures of the night, their pale skin flaking while they became something of a hive mind with an aversion to technology and a love for sparkly graduation robes. “The Family,” as they now call themselves, are ruled by the menacingly named Matthias (Anthony Zerbe in a role that today would perfectly be played by John Lithgow) who would happily rule the land were it not for the thorn in his side that skips around town with a Smith & Wesson and superb aim.

It takes a certain type of actor to pull off one-man-shows onscreen. Sam Rockwell rocked solitude in Moon, Tom Hanks was likably endangered in Castaway, and the most recent I Am Legend adaptation was fantastic until Will Smith was joined by downer humans and CGI beasties. In The Omega Man, Heston is Heston, and it works quite well. He drinks like Don Draper and wears his shirt for less screen time than Fear of Clowns  Shivers or even, dare I say it, Twilight ’s Jacob. He sweats, growls, and laughs through teeth that last tasted the rarest of juicy steaks. With a less naturally interesting lead, the film would simply not work.

Eventually, Robert learns that his whole last-man-on-earth schtick is false. Hiding in the hills is a meager band of surprisingly clean survivors, headed by a leather jacket/no shirt biker med student and a foxy fashionista (by ‘70s standards) named Lisa (From a Whisper to a Scream’s Rosalind Cash). With renewed passion to cultivate a cure, Robert, Lisa, and her recently infected little brother chill out in his city penthouse while The Family gets more active in their quest to eliminate all the “users of the wheel” for good.

This is a fun, flawed, and at times, fascinating little movie that somehow works both as a slightly cheesy cult relic and a genuinely effective film. The idea behind The Family almost deserves its own film, as their unbridled uniformity in a time just a few years after civil rights legislation is a story in itself. Meanwhile, Heston swaggers with hairy confidence and he and Cash share an easy chemistry that feels believably sexy, even if their newfound irresponsibility is distractingly dumb (remember dear, just ‘cause you’re in love doesn’t mean the sun won’t go down).

High Points

Can we give a round of sharply gloved applause to whomever was responsible for the costuming of this film? Between Heston’s green velvet ruffled suit and slightly Seinfeldian pirate shirt, Dutch’s leather jacket with a giant middle finger patch, and Lisa’s blindingly bright orange fiesta dress, I almost wanted to head to the nearest mall

Low Points

I wasn’t expecting The Omega Man to be even the slightest bit subtle, but the blatant crucifixion image in the final shot is a bit much

Lessons Learned

If you’re Charlton Heston, one gun shot is (not surprisingly) the equivalent of six

It’s harder to blend in with mannequins than cartoons might have you think

Some accessories, such as seemingly accident prone hoop earrings and dunce caps, simply never go out of style

Rent/Bury/Buy

A must-see for any genre fan, The Omega Man is currently streaming on Netflix and deserves 100 minutes of your time. Is it dated? Certainly. The makeup looks as impressive as that on your last Halloween party guests and the dialog occasionally inspires a Heston-like roar. Nevertheless, the film is a fun watch with some strong ideas, perhaps even ahead of its time and yet still an engrossing shoot the mutants up monster mash.