Get Those Stars Out Of Your Eyes

The life of a struggling actor cannot be fun. You spend countless hours preparing for auditions that last all of 60 seconds, not to mention all the time in between you utilize hunting for decent open calls or working out to stay camera-ready. All this when there are thousands of men and women just like you maintaining the same exact regime.

No thanks.

Perhaps it’s no wonder that Starry Eyes was crowd funded through Kickstarter. Considering the amount of hopeful screen stars out there, this is a horror film with a very understandable hook.

It’s also quite good.

Quick Plot: Sarah is a struggling actress trying her best to land a film role. In between unsuccessful soul-sucking auditions, she makes a living at a sad little Hooters knock-off burger joint (run by indie horror film uncle Pat Healy) and makes some misery tolerating her awful neighbors (all like-minded Hollywood wannabes) in a Melrose Place-like apartment complex. Even with indie horror champs Amanda Fuller (Red White & Blue) and Noah Segan (Cabin Fever 2, Deadgirl, everything else) in the mix, these are pretty terrible people.

As per her usual day, Sarah attends an open audition for the lead role in a new horror film made by the fictional, thinly veiled Hammer Studio Astraeus Pictures. 

Angry at herself for a mediocre performance, Sarah escapes to the bathroom where she does a sort of self-abuse ritual, screaming and yanking out her hair with disciplined pain. Oddly enough, such antics are exactly what the casting agents (among them another RW&B alumnus, Marc Senter) are looking for in their ingenue.

Callbacks ensue, and it doesn't take too many flashes of pentagram necklaces to tell us that Astraeus Pictures is probably far more evil than Paramount.

Written and directed by Kevin Kolsch and Dennis Widmyer, Starry Eyes is a strong one-woman show with the wonderful Alexandra Essoe turning in a fantastic performance. Sarah isn't the most lovable of leading ladies, but that ultimately works in the favor of Starry Eyes. It's far more interesting, in 2015, to center your film on an active and determined woman over a passively innocent final girl.

In some ways, Starry Eyes calls to mind Ti West's The House of the Devil. Both films keep the entire focus on an unlucky brunette finding herself in collusion with a satanic cult (as so happens to us brunettes) and both follow an unusually slow pace towards a pretty intense conclusion. 

Also, I really dig both.

There's something genuinely fresh about Starry Eyes. Like a few recent indie horror films (Contracted and Alyce Kills come to mind), this is a film unafraid to let its female lead make unhealthy and selfish decisions. It’s clear to us (and Sarah) that Astraeus Pictures is an evil entity but you know...they’re offering her a key gateway part into the Hollywood Machine. Starry Eyes justifies Sarah's questionable choices even when we as the audience wince as she makes them.

It culminates in an incredibly violent and unsettling finale well worth the somewhat slow build. Best of all, the moral ambiguity may lead to different conclusions over whether Starry Nights has a happy or unfortunate ending. Either way, it’s a superb ride.

High Points

Essoe really does serve as the film's ace, but there's also some excellent tone-setting done by the musical score, which puts a simple but effective theme to outstanding use

Low Points

I suppose I could be irked by feeling as though the movie ends just at the point where most would  want to see follow-through, but there's also something incredibly satisfying about Starry Eyes stopping where it does

Lessons Learned

With the right buns, you don’t need pockets

Van mattresses are surprisingly comfortable

Burial does wonders for the complexion

Rent/Bury/Buy

I found Starry Eyes to be an incredibly interesting little horror film, though I'm sure there are those out there that will be annoyed by its slow pace and 'unlikable' heroine. It's not a perfect effort, but it definitely pulls together the right elements--strong lead performance, fun genre cameos, effective musical score, visceral violence--to serve as a pretty darn impacting 100 minutes of Netflix streaming. Give it a go.

Get LINKED In

How to feel about a straight-to-DVD slasher that ambitiously opens with a quote by 20th century philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche? The only way to answer that question is to first ask this: what kind of drunk are you?

Emotional? Happy? Angry? Sleepy? Because so long as you have a bottle or thirty of your favorite poison and follow my rules to take a swig any time the word ‘chain’ is uttered or an ACTUAL chain appears onscreen, you will be loopier than Tara Reid crashing a frat party.

Quick Plot: We open on the sideways Hitcher-esque killing of a teenager who is (lift glass) chained to a man and woman's separate cars. As the couple split ways to their high powered jobs, the bloody credits roll and to high school we go.

There we meet Jess (Twilight’s Nikki Reed) a smartypants who can prove her intelligence by wearing glasses and being brunette. 

That doesn’t spare her from the same text message fate as her floozier friends, all of whom receive a chain (drink) letter that they must Blackberry back to four more cell phone users...or DIE.

By CHAINS (sip)

The token jock turns his steroid filled nose at such a task, and for that, he’s naturally murdered by CHAINS (refill). So is, we later discover, his workout frenemy who ALSO spurned the CHAIN (oooh, nice and cold) letter and gets rewarded with a nice burning alive while dangling from...chains.

As you can guess, this kind of thing keeps happening. Even the nerdy gamer who dutifully shares his CHAIN (burp)-- 

letter can’t catch a break, mostly because he’s so annoying that the killer seems to just purposely burden the boy with spam spam spam (all of the CHAIN variety, meaning he CAN’T keep forwarding and therefore deserves to die...by CHAIN). 

So who’s behind this CHAIN of events (spit it back for the bad pun). Is it Jess’ un-tech-friendly suitor played by Deadgirl’s sadist Noah Segan? Keith David’s grizzled detective? 

Jigsaw’s ex-wife’s heavily lipglossed policewoman? 

Brad Dourif as a slightly creepy cell phone hating teacher? 

Or, SPOILER ALERT, just some crazy dude war veteran who really digs chains?

Do you care? Nah, but the kills sure are neat! Chain Letter is an ugly film, one clearly milking its freedom in the DVD market by piling up the gore with quite decent skill. Along the way, we get lots of heavyhanded--and already dated--social commentary about modern society’s reliance on technology, from online dating to the ever-ubiquitous cell phones seemingly glued--or lift up, CHAINED--into the hands of every actor under 25. I suppose it’s supposed to mean something, though ultimately, the very linking of the murders with technology is oddly contradictory.

Oh but really now, just because we’re leading off with some 20th century philosophy doesn’t mean we’re supposed to THINK about this movie. Especially since we’re 50 chains in and I’m already wasted.

High Points

SPOILER

Chain Letter was clearly aiming to leave some form of lasting memory by violating the laws of slasher in its finale. The nice kid love interest gets smashed immediately, the good girl dies--quite brutally, by (drink) chains--the villain hunts on and the black guy (or at least, one of them) lives. Perhaps it tries too hard, but I still appreciate the effort

Low Points

SPOILER

So a man who despises technology decides to use it as an excuse to kill teenagers that use it but in order to kill them, they have to use it which he hates. Anybody else see some faulty logic in this motive?

Fears Abated

Did the rise of the Internet make you fear the loss of those great Microfisch research montages in cinema? Worry not, as Compass Find or Giggle or whatever the NOT Google search engine used by our heroine here gets plenty of screentime

Disclaimer

If like me, you were occasionally haunting the young adult section of your local bookstore in the mid-90s, you might recall a certain big print novel also named Chain Letter and written by one Christopher “Not R.L. Stine” Pike. This film does not adapt that fairly decent for its type book. Nor does it take a stab (or chain--drink) at Chain Letter 2, which if memory served, added a cult and puppy slaughter to the far more PG-13 narrative of its predecessor.

Rent/Bury/Buy

Well, for a 90 minute stream on Instant Watch, one could certainly do worst than Chain Letter. It’s filled with some surprisingly creative deaths (all involving--slurp--CHAINS) and slick production values, even if the story is rubbish and plotting more ridiculous than one of those overly complicated episodes of Law & Order: SVU. So queue it up if you’re in the mood for something new, mean, not very good, or one that has a lot, a whole lot, and I mean a ridiculously lot, and did I mention a lot? of CHAINS.

You still with me?

What Goes Best With a Tux? Flesh Eating Bacteria, That’s What!

Cabin Fever was one of the oddest theatrical releases of the early 21st century, an overexcited, occasionally refreshing and often annoying mix of over-the-top gore, crass comedy, ‘80s homage, and pancakes. Perhaps then it’s only fitting that its sequel comes with a bucket of offscreen controversy and onscreen sloppiness.

In case you didn’t have your hopefully still attached ear to the horror news networks these past few months, Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever was directed (near completely) by House of the Devil  golden boy Ti West, who pleaded fruitlessly to have his name removed from the credits. Word on the virtual street is that West disagreed with producers over the final cut during the post-production process, eventually stepping away from the project and letting the Powers That Be Lionsgate finish the film as they saw fit.

It shows.

Quick Plot: Top-billed Rider Strong reprises his quickly rotting role as he flees the titular cabin and gets splattered by an early morning school bus. Familiar local cop Winston (Guiseppe Andrews) misdiagnoses the gunk as moose and an animated credits reel reveal the town water soon to be bottled is infected by that same flesh-eating virus that tore through many pretty people in Eli Roth’s original.

We quickly move on to typical high school politics, where smart senior John (Deadgirl ’s jerk Noah Segan, still traveling via bicycle) pines for pretty, popular, and recently-broken-up-from-her-samurai-wannabe-psycho-boyfriend Cassie while chubby pal Alex smoothly enjoys a quickie--real quickie--from a randomly easy classmate. A frog dissection and near suspension later, it’s prom night (cue the song! seriously) and the high school’s a’hoppin’ with a disco beat.

If you’ve heard anything about Cabin Fever 2, it’s probably that this is not the film to watch while eating nachos. See, there’s a lot of blood, and guts, and viral warts on private parts, and bloodier semen than Wilhem Dafoe’s Antichrist  climax. That being said, it’s also really not that...well...disturbing.

Or particularly good.

As the school dance kicks in, Cabin Fever 2 kicks into gear with a gymnasium-full viral spread that starts with a poisoned water, infected urine-spiced punch bowl. An awkward sex scene between the prom king and token obese outcast in a pool seems only to hint at something interesting, while the dance floor erupts into a lightning fast bloodbath before the prom queen can give what was sure to be an Obama-esque speech. In almost no time (the movie is under 80 minutes, after all), we’re left with John, Cassie, Alex, and a few unexplained gun-toting officials trying to survive amid lots of gooey grossness.

Oh! And of those 80 minutes, about 28 or so are randomly assigned to Winston’s Adventures as the enigmatic, if also annoying and baffling cop hangs out with Judah Frielander and hits the road in his cousin’s van. While I enjoy the pure weirdness of Andrews’ oddball character, nothing in this storyline (if you can really call it that) ever feels in line with the rest of the film, making the many diversions to his aimless lollygagging an incredibly wasted amount of screen time with no real payoff.

On one side, we have a humorous, but also occasionally heartfelt teenage gorefest built on occasional suspense and realistically drawn characters. On the other, a simply bizarre and directionless tale of a dimwit. I kind of enjoyed the persistence Cabin Fever 2 had in NOT being your typical by the numbers sequel, but it was, much like its basis, all over the place, further scattered by a tacked-on, far too long 10 minute epilogue following a high school stripper.

I can’t really say where Ti West’s involvement ended, but the lack of a strong directorial touch in the editing finish is uncomfortably felt in the latter half of Cabin Fever 2. Honestly, I don’t know that this would be anywhere near a classic had he stayed on board throughout, but the messiness of plotting--much like the original--makes the viewing experience simply strange.

A recent article in Shock Till You Drop offered one tidbit by producer Lauren Moews explaining how fitting it was that Cabin Fever 2 was edited by the same woman responsible for several John Waters’ films, and there are indeed some similarities. West gives us plenty of gratuitously ick-heavy moments that dare the audience to look away, like a prematurely ended-by-puke lap dance or intensely detailed fingernail peel (the only one that got me wincing). There are plenty of refreshing little quirks that keep the film fun and it’s hard to argue with any movie that recycles the only great thing about Prom Night (namely, Jamie Lee Curtis’ disco tune). At the same time, it’s impossible to care about anything when the film seems so insistent on not taking itself seriously.

High Points

There’s some nifty practical effects at work, like an early diner scene featuring a blood-squirting voicebox

West tows a careful line with his high school characters, using honored archetypes but imbuing them with interesting enough spins, like the ex-boyfriend’s Japanophile quirks and John’s surprisingly refreshing honesty with his dreamgirl (not deadgirl)

Low Points

An overly headache inducing fire extinguisher attack would be impressive if we hadn’t seen it before in The Signal or Irreversible

We don’t need--or really want--a huge backstory in fluffy romp like this, but the fact that the army or FDA or FBI or whoever the men with guns and gas cans are never explained is one more missing piece in a film not fully put together

A few moments of tension are broken when you realize how ridiculous they play out. Would the soldiers--or whoever it is patrolling the school, see previous Low Point--really not hear the kids escape an empty classroom 4 seconds after exiting themselves?

Lessons Learned

William Katt’s Carrie tuxedo never goes out of style

Bitches value spite and money

If getting a touch of infected blood on your skin will infect you, then running said hand through a buzzsaw and watching the blood squirt all over your face will surely be the cure

Rent/Bury/Buy

Cabin Fever 2 is a manic viewing experience, but not completely devoid of charm. Fans of the original will probably get a kick out of it, as it shares much of the crass humor, all-out gore, and smarter-than-your-average teen sensibilities. If I believed in officially rating films, this one would fall in the negative side. I can't say I liked it (mostly because I didn't like it) but it's not a complete waste of 80 minutes, especially if you're simply too curious to let it pass you by.

Love the One You're With

If you’ve read anything about Deadgirl, a first time effort by co-directors Marcel Sarmiento and Gadi Harel, you may be expecting an unwatchable piece of exploitation rich in zombie rape and I Spit On Your Grave levels of depravity. You’d be wrong on two counts, since 1) I Spit On Your Grave is a film I’ll defend for other reasons and 2) Deadgirl is actually a haunting, disturbing, and somewhat restrained little film that’s far stronger than its premise could have damned it to be.

Quick Plot: High school stoners JT (Noah Segan) and Rickie (Shiloh Fernandez) cut school one day to hang out in the local abandoned asylum (was my suburban hometown the only place in America that didn’t have of these, by the way?). Upon tossing around some rolling chairs and chugging unbranded cans of beer, the boys come upon a bolted room and a beautiful corpse chained inside. Rickie is freaked out. JT is aroused. 

The next day, Rickie returns to find JT has drawn his own conclusions about the “Deadgirl”: she’s undead and has been left all alone. Rickie remains horrified but has no idea how to pry his best friend’s um, attention, away from what seems like a gift from the gods. As children of broken homes in a small town with no future, JT and Rickie are aware that they have little else going for them. The don’t catch the attention of the ladies--not the fleshy Daisy Dukes-donning gas station pumper and certainly not Rickie’s unrequited crush of a cute redhead dating the token jockjerk. For JT and later, their even more fried friend Wheeler, life has never been better than having a gorgeous, complacent, full grown woman tied to a table for their personal pleasure. The more sensitive Rickie, on the other hand, knows it’s wrong but isn’t quite ready to alienate his best friend (and sadly, the only thing he seems to have in his life) over a corpse.

I worry my synopsis of Deadgirl is still making the film sound a tad homemade pornish, but it is a surprisingly sensitive film. I can’t downplay the subject matter and indeed, there are some extremely uncomfortable scenes that some filmgoers won’t make it through. Overall, however, Deadgirl is disturbing and thoughtful, not exploitive and gratuitous. The most horrific moments are found in JT’s increasingly distant dialogue, while the actual sex is portrayed with appropriately un-erotic staging. Think of the non-cathartic nature of the torture scenes in The Girl Next Door, as opposed to the more heavily stylized scenes that tend to rear their glossy heads in mainstream cinema.

Overall, Deadgirl has the feel of a short story in a zombie anthology mixed with an indie drama about small town youth. The performances are a tad inconsistent (perhaps there’s only so much Candice Accola can do with Charlie Brown’s Little Redheaded Girl role compared to Segan’s creepily macabre JT and Fernandez’s likable enough RIckie) but hold steady enough to sell a film that depends so much on its characters. There are some truly memorable images, such as Deadgirl’s overly makeup’d face which is, one scene later, covered with a magazine cutout that recalls Claire’s Season 4 collage work in Six Feet Under.

High Points

We’ve seen zombies as everything from choreographed two-steppers to Olympian sprinters and softball players, so it’s pretty impressive to see a film that brings something new not just to an undead-themed story, but also in its creepily haunting depiction of the “Deadgirl,” aided by Jenny Spain’s careful performance.

Abandoned asylums make everything better

It’s refreshing to see a film about teenagers that doesn’t force trendy lingo or pop culture references into their mouths. There’s nary a cell phone or high speed Internet connection to be found, and it adds a strange timeliness that make Deadgirl work for any era

Low Points

Although occasionally evocative, the score calls attention to itself far too often

First of all, is it a requirement for all high school films to feature a character named Johnny? Next, does Johnny always have to be played by an actor pushing 30?

Lessons Learned

Abduction is far more difficult than it looks, unless you’re the big man on campus and you’re throwing two stoners into your trunk in the middle of school recess

Oh, boys. Do I really have to tell you to be careful where to put your valuables?

Meat left in the open will spoil***

Winning Line

“I wish I was 15 again.”

“I’m 17.”

“Man, I wish I was 15 again.”

I actually really love this quick exchange between Rickie and his mother’s girlfriend, played by the solid character actor Michael Bowen. It captures the lack of adult influences on Rickie and his friends, but more importantly, it quietly points out that 17 is indeed a different point of life

Rent/Bury/Buy

Deadgirl is currently on Netflix’s Instant Watch, so give it a try when you’re in the mood for a serious, dark, and deep ride into a mean mean place. The production values are top notch so if you can get behind the characters and survive the idea of what you will see, then I recommend a tryout. It almost has a Jack Ketchum-y feel that’s been numbed by some IFC serum. It won't brighten your day, but it will provide a thoughtfully unsettling film experience worthy of your time.

***A personal story: When I was in high school, every health class was forced to undergo the inevitable STD slideshow which was fabulous on every level. First, the teacher (who apparently freelanced with this lesson plan all over Long Island) asked us to raise our hands if we planned on going away to college. Without any irony or exception, she pointed to the 90% of the class and claimed that each and every one of us would get crabs, because that’s what happens when you share a toilet. This was followed by magnified shots of just what crabs are and what they do, which in turn was followed by one of the school jocks--sadly not named Johnny--trotting outside and returning with a very reddened face.