Just Like Chat Rooms, But With More Demon Voices

I’m probably one of the few people who hear “director of Pinochio’s Revenge” and immediately think “must bump movie up to top spot of queue.” But see, Pinnochio’s Revenge is so much better than any film called Pinochio’s Revenge has any right to be. Factor in that Carol J. Clover devotes a full chapter to Witchboard in Men, Women & Chainsaws and you have an eager little me happily diving in.

Quick Plot: Jim and Linda are an attractive young couple living together with Patrick Swayze Ghost syndrome, i.e., he can’t say those three words rather important in a romantic relationship. That’s the least of their problems. 

At a party held in their apartment, Linda’s ex-boyfriend/Jim’s ex-best friend Brandon (Patch from the supercouple era of Days of Our Lives, no less) breaks out his Ouija board to contact David, a 10-year-old spirit who takes an immediate dislike to Jim and crush on Linda. Like most ghostly beings, David is less Casper and more poltergeist, although he does a fancy bait ‘n switch by starting off quite friendly. 

Apparently, that’s how some evil ghosts lure the ladies into full-scale possession. Even a super punky nerd psychic can’t seem to fully exorcise Linda’s little demon, although the side benefit is that hunting the evil helps to reunite former pals Brandon and Jim.

It’s that relationship that Clover focused mostly on in her 1989 study, and it truly does make Witchboard a better-than-average watch. The film doesn’t exactly terrify or lock you in awe, but there’s such solid characterization going on that elevates the material to something worth caring about. Linda comes off like a good, decent person, and the fact that Jim and Brandon have such a personal history lends plenty of substance to how they proceed. It’s a simple story of demon-possesses-girl, but in writer/directory Tenney’s hands, we actually care.

High Points

Though the finale doesn’t quite hold up, Witchboard still has a few surprisingly effective and simple jump scares

See how much better a standard horror movie is when the writer actually takes a few minutes to flesh out the characters?

Also, when it gives them awesome '80s hair

Low Points

Demon voice. Never. Do. Demon voice.

Lessons Learned

Just like Korean cell phones, some Ouija boards also make adequate breathalyzers

Internet-speak abbreviations were actually popularized by punkette mediums that dress like k.d. lang

IMDB Goodtimes

The Internet Movie Database is often filled with a little fun. Witness, upon searching for Witchboard, the fourth suggested match was none other than Mrs. Ashboro’s Cat, better known to Animals Doing Human Stuff Month fans as Ghost Cat

Rent/Bury/Buy

Witchboard isn’t the funnest or scariest horror film to come out of the ‘80s, but it’s refreshingly well-written in a way that makes the time flow by quite easily. The film went on to spawn two sequels (the first one also directed by Tenney), although I have no idea how they measure up. This isn’t an immediate drop-everything-and-rent, but it’s a genuinely good little genre movie that makes character count.

Let Your Conscience Be Your Guide

A single mom brings home a doll for her lonely child’s birthday, only to then watch the babysitter and a few strangers die in suspicious accidents. Sound familiar?

Sometimes a cash-in on a popular horror franchise takes a few years. Such is the case for 1996’s Pinocchio’s Revenge, a Child’s Play wannabe with a surprising amount of mid-90s heart.

Quick Plot: Divorcee Jennifer is under a little stress, partially from being a public defender of death row inmates and more so from being mom to a bright, annoying, and possibly psychotic little girl named Zoe. Bitter about her father’s absence, Zoe raises the eyebrows of her child psychologist and gets into schoolyard brawls with some of the other second graders. The kid needs a friend.

Conveniently enough, Mom is just closing out a depressing appeal case where she unsuccessfully defended a man accused of murdering his son. Though he admitted his crime, Jennifer always suspected he was innocent and the only bit of evidence she has to go on is the titular wooden doll found with the deceased’s body. Through an assortment of chess moves, Pinocchio ends up home in bed with Zoe as her new brother/best friend that seems to cause an awful lot of accidents.

I will tell no lies here: I’ve been wanting to watch Pinocchio’s Revenge for a good 10+ years, ever since its VHS cover piqued my interest in the waning days of my rental habit. Now on Instant Watch, I’m one step closer to having completed everything I needed to in life and hence, one step closer to having my brains bashed in by a wooden marionette.

But on a lighter note, how’s the movie? Ridiculous, a tad slow, and somewhere in between, magnificent.

Directed by cult dude Kevin Tenney (Night of the Demons, Witchboard), Pinocchio’s Revenge seemed to have based itself on an IMDB bit of trivia on the Child’s Play page, a note that claimed writer Don Mancini’s original intention was to tease out the mystery of whether it was Chucky or his boy keeper Andy that was actually responsible for the killings. In Pinocchio’s Revenge, we’re never quite sure of the same question. It’s a good hour into the film before we hear the little fella speak, and some of the action afterwards still points towards Zoe’s own instability. 

For a straight to VHS killer doll film, it’s actually somewhat impressive. Granted Pinnochio himself ain’t no Talking Tina. Sure, his design is mildly unsettling (and his E.T.  waddle adorable), but Tenney seems to prefer fancy camera tricks to solid doll action, constantly following dramatic shots like closeups of sharp knives with CLOSEUPS OF BUTTER KNIVES SLICING BANANAS! Or a heavily music cued shot of a dead cricket (Pinocchio’s slaughtered conscience) immediately underscored by A SLOW MOTION SHOT OF A GLASS OF ORANGE JUICE SMASHING INTO PIECES! 

You get the point. There’s some genuine ambition at making a ‘psychological thriller’ out of what essentially boils down to a good old fashioned killer doll movie, which is interesting, if occasionally dull. Considering Pinocchio’s Revenge is already combating a low budget and mid-90s fashion crisis, the actual scares don’t really hold up (although I’ll concede the fact that the 6-year-old doll-o-phobe I once was would probably have been incredibly creeped out had this debuted during my youth). But still...look at this guy:

High Points

You have to admire the restraint of a movie called Pinocchio’s Revenge that refuses to give us any actual evil doll action until more than an hour into its running time

Though Brittany Alyse Smith is a tad annoying as Zoe, lead actress Rosalind Allen does manage to create a genuine person as the harried single mom

Low Points

There might be something neat in ending on a mystery, but having sat through Pinocchio’s Revenge, it also feels like we deserve to know exactly WHAT happened

Lessons Learned

Episcopalian=Catholic lite, and believing in evil is one of its job requirements

Always read up on whatever hospital you’re admitted to. It’d be a shame if you end up in one where no nurses ever stop by to check your life support system’s status

If your child is possibly demonstrating homicidal tendencies, it might be a good idea to warn the friendly Italian au pair when leaving the kid in her care

The Winning Line

"Spoon me!"

Hey, we all enjoy that, but not when our partners are so darn aggressive about it

Rent/Bury/Buy

Granted this is a film made for the type of viewer that I am, but I thoroughly enjoyed Pinoochio’s Revenge as a much smarter little horror film that it had any right to be. Coming off an age of Rumplestilstskin and Dolly Dearest, this easily could have gone the tiny killer route but for whatever reason, Pinocchio’s Revenge decided to try something new. You probably won’t be frightened and hey, there are definitely more entertaining evil little things films out there, but for a 90 minute surprise, you might be satisfied. 

If nothing else, it’s funner than A.I.!