Cats: The Movie (no really: that's the title)

The term ‘crazy cat lady’ gets thrown around a lot in this day and age. As mother to two feline furballs who impose themselves on virtually every aspect of my life—

Oh look! Here’s a picture!

What was I talking about?

Right. See, I myself have been known to accept such a title. Perhaps it’s Joplin’s comfort with sitting on my shoulder…

Or Mookie’s enjoyment of being spanked…

Or the fact that I say these things in public with no consideration that some people find it, well, inappropriate.

Nevertheless, the beauty of something like Cats: The Movie is that, when watched with the director/producer commentary, I suddenly feel normal. Yes, I may take my showers as Mookie sits loyally on the bath ledge or have complete back and forth conversations with the chatty alarm clock also known as Joplin every morning, but at least I’M not the one spending 7 years of my life recording my kids’ antics and editing it into a 69 minute full-length feature youtube video with a story arc.

Mostly because Mookie speaks a hybrid of broken American English with a North Korean accent and despite being cute as a black and white button, Joplin is horribly unphotogenic and would look awful on camera.

They’re just not ready. Yet…

Quick Plot: Marchello is an indoor cat whose mother is the definition of a crazy cat lady, overearnestly voiced by Lolita’s Domonique Swain. See, when Mom spends the night at her boyfriend’s—apparently the first time this has ever happened—and later LEAVES HER CAT A MESSAGE ON THE ANSWERING MACHINE that she’ll be delayed another day, Marchello goes into a bit of a, dare I say it, tailspin, sneaking outside to explore the street life. 

It’s a CAT-astrophe!

Get it? Because cat—

Sorry. 

And what does our four legged friend find in the wilderness of wealthy suburbia? A sexy neighbor cat named Jujube, voiced by none other than Michelle Rodriquez. Like every character ever played by Michelle Rodriguez, Jujube messes everything up when she teases Marchello into traveling too far away from home. Now our hero must face territorial crows, manic depressive abandoned cats, drunken bullfrogs, overenthusiastic dogs, and a seedy rollerblader who makes a living by grabbing stray pets and ransoming them to their rich owners.

All of the abovementioned action is filmed guerilla style with a handheld, sometimes fingerprint spotted lensed camera. It’s like Milo & Otis with weaker production values or an episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos with, well, equal production values and the voice of Jeremy Piven.

It’s hard to knock Cats: The Movie when it was essentially a hobby for painter-turned-cinematographer-turned-auteur Susan Emerson. Listening to the commentary track of her and producer Paul Williams (no, not that one) shows that Emerson wasn’t aiming to make Citizen Kat. She simply discovered her pet main coon was a natural in front of the camera and if she organized things a little bit, she could have a feature film. From one crazy cat lady to another, I have to sort of salute this effort.

But also, you know…it’s Cats: The Movie. I imagine its appeal lies in kids bored with Baby Einstein or nice old ladies with eternal supplies of hard candy. Also, Joplin seemed to really like it:

Although not as much as she did Sharon Stone in Scissors.

The little darling could not take her green eyes off Steve Railsback

Lessons Learned
Squirrels make shitty messengers, even if they are voiced by Jeremy Sisto

Crows are assholes

Culled from the commentary: a D.O.P. is a director of photography (as explained to the film’s producer)

Standard Animals Doing Human Stuff Trope Tally
New Kid In Town: Check 
Recent Dead or Divorced Parent: X
Montage: X
New Friendship: Check
Potentially Inappropriate ‘Friendship’ Between Child & Unrelated Adult (Human): Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check Check
Evil Corporate Enemy: X. A rollerblading catnapping con artist seems to be working independently
Original Song: X
Bully Comeuppance: X
Small Town Values: X. This is pure suburbia. There is nothing to compare it to
Back To Nature Moral: Check. The movie ends with Marchello’s mother randomly deciding he can be an indoor/outdoor cat, which is apparently the way nature intended (earmuffs Mookie & Joplin!)
Overall Score: 4 + Infinity/10

A-Paws-Meter
The main reason to rent Cats: The Movie is to watch the first 59 minutes with commentary (because for whatever reason, it just stops at that point). Here you get such adorable nuggets as the producer asking if the disc is skipping and my favorite opening discussion of all time:

Producer: So how did you get Marchello to chase the ball like that?
Writer/Director: I threw it.

Throw in a connection to Sunset Boulevard (it happens) and what more do you need?

A monkey. Yes, a monkey would have been good…

Heaven Is a Place On Earth (guarded by Fred Durst)

Between Tooth and Nail  and 9 Dead, it seems like I’ve been watching a fair share of mediocre to terrible direct-to-Instant Watch thrillers built on promising premises. Population 436, a 2005 film about a middle American hamlet and its cheerfully grim secrets, improves upon this trend with an intriguing and solid enough execution.

Quick Plot: Census taker Steve Kady (the always reliable when curly haired Jeremy Sisto) busts his tire just outside of Rockwell Falls, a small town dubbed by its 436 residents as “the most perfect place on earth.” Any grammar Nazi with an ear for redundancy knows better than to trust unnecessary adjectives, and sure enough, it doesn’t take Steve long to discover something fishy: for the past 100 years, Rockwell Falls has maintained its population count. 

Is it something in the water? Too much Shirley Jackson in the library? Whatever the problem, you can get a research montage that it won’t end well.

Population 436 is a neat little mystery, a Twilight Zone throwback that calls to mind the Jason Robards ruled underworld in A Boy and His Dog  crossed with the simpler bleakness of The Lottery. While director Michelle Maxwell MacLaren (who would go on to helm some of Game of Thrones and Breaking Bad's best episodes only to raise and crush my hopes when she left the big screen Wonder Woman film) doesn’t pull too many surprises once the plot gets rolling, the story is solidly suspenseful to keep us interested for the expected 90 minute running time. More importantly, little touches--such as the Stepford-ish costume design and all-out good folksy charm of its performers--work fairly seamlessly to pull the whole film together.

There's no earth-shattering shocks or philosophy-changing revelations, but this is a film that makes good on its mystery with competent storytelling, compelling characters, and a few 'whoah!' moments that make the trip worth taking.

High Points

Sisto’s character doesn’t really get the arc we’d like to see, but the actor works hard to ground the story in something we can relate to and care for

The first major horror element isn’t totally surprising, but the moment is staged with such fantastic tension and macabre humor that it truly shocks and takes the film into a whole new direction

Low Points

While I appreciate its bleakness, the ending ultimately feels somewhat empty

Lessons Learned

Any town guarded by Deputy Fred Durst is not a place to be trusted

Talkin’ Crazy is the only fever that matters

If you fear that everybody in town is out to get you, perhaps you should avoid macking on the one friend you have’s intended

Between Hannibal Lector and Rockwell Falls, census taking appears to be a career fraught with hazards

Stray Observation

This marks Jeremy Sisto’s second genre film to lead him to a makeshift graveard of the stolen cars of murdered visitors. I’m sure there’s some sort of Da Vinci Code-like significance to that.

Rent/Bury/Buy

Considering the crap I tend to watch, Population 436 is a tasty little treat. Though it never really ascends from Instant Watch caliber, this is a well-told mystery that fares better than your average mid-to-no budget thriller. Worth your full attention, just not your weekly allowance. If my research is to be trusted, the DVD is bare, save for what sounds like a wisely vetoed alternate ending. Stream one day when you’re in the mood for something lightly dark, like a an X-Files episode served with skim milk.