The First Destination

If you're like me, the title Sole Survivor calls to mind two things:

1- the unrelated '90s homonymically titled plural version mostly known for having the most Scream-ish poster of post-Scream horror

2- that many a film fan shouts "Final Destination ripped this off!"

Had anyone added "written and directed by Night of the Comet's Thom Eberhardt, it wouldn't have taken me 40 years to watch. 

Quick Plot: Denise is happily navigating her late twenties. An inheritance has left her with a lovely, wackily decorated house. She seems quite adept at her career behind the scenes of television commercials, the latest of which stars Karla Davis, a past-her-prime former starlet with a touch of ESP. 

Karla has a vision right before Denise takes a plane trip, though it's too late (and Karla comes off as too crazy) to help. Denise's plane goes down, but as you might have guessed by this film's title, she makes it out not only alive, but barely touched. 

Her new handsome and single doctor has some concerns about how Denise is processing the trauma, but what can you say? She's young, healthy, attractive, and ready to move on (literally, in the case of her hot doc). But there is something nagging at her, a feeling that she got away with an act of rebellion and that she'll have to pay up.

Said suspicions are validated over the next few days. First come the just-missed-being-accidently-crushed-to-death misses, then the walking corpses, and finally, the homicidal stabbing corpses. We don't need Tony Todd to tell us Denise's worries are well-founded. 

Sole Survivor was made in 1984, but it feels so much like a product of the 1970s, more akin to your Let's Scare Jessica to Deaths and Messiah of Evils than any slasher of its era (save for some randomly inserted strip poker nudity featuring a young Brinke Stevens). While the tone doesn't at first glance share any of Night of the Comet's apocalyptic bubblegum, you can see how both are the work of one mind, primarily in the characterization of their heroines.

Anita Skinner's Denise is such a refreshing lead. Professional in her work and playful in her downtime, she's quite the rarity in '80s horror: a fully realized female adult. Skinner's only other film credit is the excellent, underrated Girlfriends, and it's shocking that her Denise is just as developed as her Alice in that dramedy. We're used to horror pulling us into the final girl's plight by pure instinctive sympathy for an ingenue, but Eberhardt does something different, letting us get to know an actual human being who's so real that we absolutely have to care about her. 

It doesn't quite move the way you expect it to, and while the Final Destination connection is certainly there in plot, the tone is nowhere close. It's playful in a different way, letting us fall into Denise's life in a way that we feel like we're her friend, then making us all the more spooked by her new fate. The actual zombie-like death harbingers are uniquely unsettling, especially when the film goes the extra step in explaining the actual biology behind it. 

This isn't the scariest film of its time, but there's a whole lot to love to love here, and I imagine, much like Eberhardt's other films, I'll enjoy it even more on rewatch. 

High Points

Skinner is fabulous and it's a shame we didn't get her in more movies. I would also credit Eberhardt deeply for the simple decision to make a horror film about adults. It's ridiculously refreshing to have grownups with jobs, homes, and life experience. 

Low Points

I suppose Sole Survivor's pacing might be a little slow for some viewers expecting more scares (though I wasn't one of them)

Lessons Learned

All civil service bullshit is the same

Not all morticians eat sloppy sandwiches. Some just smoke cigarettes and drink coffee

Always listen to the alcoholic has-been, even if she can't get her lines right

Rent/Bury/Buy

I adored this movie, but it's definitely one that might not fit whatever mold you're expecting. Go in fresh and open and enjoy. It's (FINALLY) available now to stream on Shudder. 

A PSA About Reading the Terms & Conditions

We've had our share of killer dolls, killer beds, killer microwaves, killer wigs...why WOULDN'T we expect to find a whole subgenre about murderous phone apps?

Quick Plot: Courteney and her pals are playing a drinking game when a diet discussion leads them to discover Countdown, a smartphone app that tells you the exact time of your expected death. Think of it as Helena Bonham Carter's Big Fish witch character as a phone icon.

While her pals' prognosis ranges between age 20 and 63, poor Courtney has just three hours on her clock. Her drunk driving boyfriend Evan is unimpressed, though Courtney is smart enough to walk home. 

No matter: Courtney is murdered by an unseen force in her bathroom just as

Evan crashes, the empty passenger seat destroyed. Some time later, Evan is awaiting his surgery when he meets Quinn, a friendly almost-nurse who listens to his ravings long enough to download Countdown. Like Courtney, her numbers aren't great. Throw in a sexually harassing supervisor, ill-behaved kid sister, and guilt over a dead mom and you've got a pretty rough few days left for Quinn. 

Thankfully, she's not alone. Joined by a helpful fellow doomed stranger named Matt and eager-beaver priest, Quinn plots to save a batch of unlucky app users.

Written and directed by first timer Justin Dec, Countdown didn't get the highest reception from critics or fans when it premiered in theaters last year. App-based horror films have a tough wall to climb, since the concept still sounds silly to most filmgoers. Honestly, this is something I don't understand. Movies, particularly the cheaper genre type, are ALWAYS going to grab onto the most zeitgeist-y tools of their time. As I say all the time with social media slashers, why wouldn't a young filmmaker use that platform to reach the exact target audience that uses the technology?

That's not to say that Countdown is by any means great. Clearly descended from the Final Destination school of combining humor with elaborately foreshadowed deaths, it doesn't quite marry its tones as well as I would have liked. There's a lightness fitting of its PG-13 rating, and Elizabeth Lail (poor stalked Beck of You) works well in the lead. Unfortunately, the horror aspect never really clicks into place. 

There are the token demon-faced spurts, lots of darkly lit hallways, and random ghosts-of-their-pasts cameos that seem to complicate the overall nature of Countdown (the app) without adding much to Countdown (the movie). It's messy. 

But hey, dumb horror doesn't necessarily mean unenjoyable horror. I probably enjoyed Countdown far more than most genre fans not because it was scary, but because it had a certain sense of fun. I can't particularly recommend it to most viewers, but there's a good time to be had with low expectations.

High Points

Dec clearly has a pleasantly clever touch, and it's mostly on display with his more extreme side characters. What could be grating--a sarcastic tech guy and unorthodox priest--brings just the right amount of spark to an otherwise dreary tale

Low Points

While there are some decent setups and jump scares, like so many recent horror films, Countdown struggles mightily when it comes to embodying its demons in physical form

Lessons Learned

The way you get fat is by eating too many calories

The real sign that humanity is doomed is that too many people use their phones for texting and Facebook

If you're lucky enough to overdose at just the right time, you just might get some cake

Always read the terms and conditions. Oh, who are we kidding? Most of us would rather accept a supernatural death than actually do that every time we download something

Rent/Bury/Buy

Countdown doesn't play at the same level as a Final Destination or even the similarly styled Wish Upon, but it's perfectly fine for what it is and undeserving of the strangely aggressive hate it seemed to collect upon its release. When you're trying to kill 90 minutes without too much thought, it might prove satisfying enough.

A Remake Without Soul

"Wes Craven Presents" have never been three words I’ve looked forward to hearing. The product it generally implies is, well...

Sometimes starring Marc Blucas.

In other words, it’s rarely a good thing for even the catchiest of titles (you know, like, um...They) to be produced by horror’s most famous former college professor. With that in mind, I headed into 1998’s Carnival of Souls with a bar lower than the required height for the kiddie coaster.

Let’s see if it helped.

Quick Plot: Young Alex walks into her kitchen to the pleasant sight of Larry Miller raping her mother. Before you can say Final Destination 5, he snaps her neck and snaps us into the present, where Alex (Bobbie Philips) has grown into a pretty but world weary bar owner co-managing a seaside dive with her younger sister, played by an oddly stable Shawnee Smith. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with Saw's first lady, but there's something very off about seeing her playing normal.

Alex has bigger problems than a dull little sister, primarily the fact that mom-killer (and apparently, child molester) Larry Miller has been released from his lifetime prison sentence. So, apparently, have a bunch of demons and a lot of very menacing water, be it in a Final Destination 4-esque car wash-gone-wrong sequence or an aggressive bathtub. Are these simple daydreams haunting an emotionally scarred Alex, or is there evil afoot in comically oversized floppy red shoes?

Wes Craven Presents: Carnival of Souls is one of the titles that often shows up on Worst Remakes of All Time lists. While it’s no It’s Alive 2009, it’s easy to see why some viewers would be so offended by this film. The original is a verifiable cult classic, an eerie little tale panned in its time and rediscovered in the public domain as one of the era’s very best ghost stories. This version, directed by Adam Grossman and Ian Kressner, is far from the worst horror output of the ‘90s, but in comparison to the rich imagery of Herk Harvey’s film, it suffers quite fiercely.

The movie’s largest issue is the hardest to conquer: it’s boring. Yes, we get Shawnee Smith warbling through a tune. Indeed, we get a character actor generally known for comedy going all out as a pedophile carnival clown with a pageboy wig. Sure, these things are special in their own odd way. But that doesn’t a not dull film make.

Running at just 90 minutes, Carnival of Souls simply takes forever. The beats are repetitive, and sadly there are only so many ‘water! Bad! It’s a dream! Water! Bad!’ cycles a viewer can suffer through before calling it a day.

Or just a bad movie.

High Points

Well, this happens a lot:

Low Points

There’s a very specific moment where Carnival of Souls lost whatever mild interest it had generated. In one of her umpteenth fantasy/dream/water sequences, Alex is haunted by a red balloon that appears out of nowhere. She carefully walks toward it, clearly leading us to a jump of some moment. And she jumps. And THEN Larry Miller’s face appears on the balloon to do some taunting.

Notice a problem?

It’s easy enough to set up a jump scare. Lower the music. Have a character walk slowly. Focus on an object/door/box/noun of some sort that will reveal a minor menace. REVEAL the menace, and we and said character will presumably jump. Have character jump and THEN reveal menace, well, that’s something you only get when Wes Craven is presenting.

Lessons Learned

It is possible to possess stunning green eyes up until the age of five or six, only to see them turn a pleasant if plain brown once you reach your mid-20s

Demon thingies rarely wear clothing, but they do enjoy a hearty dinner and hydration

Look, It’s…

John Sears! Fraternity president/casual date rapist/homophobic bigot/sworn nemesis of Steve Sanders John Sears! Um, he was on Beverly Hills 90210, and I tend to should “John Sears!” whenever he pops up in another late ‘90s horror movie (of which there are quite a few). Also, he apparently directed the much maligned Atlas Shrugged: Part 1, so make of all of these things whatever you will.

Rent/Bury/Buy

Carnival of Souls isn’t the worst thing streaming on Netflix right now, but there’s very little reason to test that theory. I suppose Larry Miller clown fetishists or remake completists will give it a go, but be aware that this is a slog. Not a They slog, but dull time nonetheless.

Friends Til the End

This might shock you, but I'm something of what you might call a Child's Play fan.

I know. This just shattered your world. It's like learning that Taco Bell's meat is low grade or that Ricky Martin is gay. I of course should have warned you before making such a statement, but there I go about killing another monocle. How horrid of me.

How hide-y hide-y ho-rrid of me.

But something that might only mildly rock your socks is that of the five (so far) Child's Play films, second in my heart to 1988's debut is the VASTLY underrated 2004 campfest, Seed of Chucky. I've spoken before about how wonderful a ride it is, so it makes perfect sense that I would follow that up by literally speaking about it. 

How to hear such golden jewels of audio pleasure? Hop onto iTunes and download--for free--or stream this way for this week's episode of the fine new podcast Movie Matchup, where you'll hear myself, host with the most Troy, and The Podcast Podcast's (it's a podcast) lovable honorary Muppet Fozziebare discuss in grand detail Don Mancini's Seed of Chucky and a little something you might have seen called Final Destination 5 (theme!). 

Get to it now, because Tony Todd looks bored and just might send Death on your ass because it seems like something to do.

Escalator Kisses

When a non-filmish friend starts talking about a terrifying ‘80s horror involving The World’s Scariest Escalator Scene of All Time, it becomes my duty to seek it out. No cinema civilian is supposed to know something about movies that I don’t!

Hence, 1988's The Kiss.

Quick Plot: A pair of sisters are separated as teenagers in Africa, one of whom goes on to live a normal life with her father while the other gets possessed by the ancient vampiric spirit of the woman charged with watching her. Them’s the breaks!

Flash forward 25 years or so (I don’t know that the math makes great sense) where older sis is a Catholic housewife with a randy husband and sensible teenage daughter named Amy, played by Meredith Salenger (who will always be known as one of my childhood heroines, Natty Gann). As Amy makes her confirmation to a kickass pool party, mom gets a phone call form long lost sister Felice and shortly thereafter, is smashed to death by a truck. Actually, it's more a smashing, then eventual and hilarious loss of leg. Hard to describe, but it's more wonderful than whatever Natty Gann is staring at in the picture below:

A few months later, Amy and her dad are trying to move on when Aunt Felice comes to town in a swirl of chic scarves. She’s something of a sexpot, you see, with one of those exotic accents that tickle men’s funny parts and cause women all around to narrow their eyes with justifiable suspicions. Little by little, Amy discovers that yes indeed, Auntie Cool is some form of horny vampire who can put unusual curses on any mere mortal whose possessions are taken.

This is where The Kiss has its fun and for most nostalgic viewers, leaves the lasting memories. Felice makes some voodoo magic on any of Amy’s pals who seem mildly threatening, including her mallrat best friend (in the aforementioned and understandably memorable escalator scene) and prospective beau, a ponty-tailed, sports jacket over button-up denim wearing mall bakery employee--and yes, there is a LOT of mallage in The Kiss--whose main character quirk is his constant habit of losing his stud. Stud Muffin (because what else can we call him?) gets the pleasure of meeting Felice’s trusted pet, a Fizgig-like Critter thing that likes to bite people’s faces, then back away and scream. It’s adorable.

As is The Kiss, when you think about it. The film is practically watermarked with its 1988 date, from the horrendous fashion choices cursed upon every character to the evil stepmother storyline and possession sprinkles. With a few impressive sequences withstanding, it doesn’t really hold up as a ‘scary’ movie, but I’d be dropping my stud if I didn’t say I I enjoyed it.

High Points

There’s some pretty neat and creative FX at work, with fun, possibly Final Destination inspirational death traps and gooey creature designs during the film’s finale 

Low Points

This was never meant to be Citizen Kane, but there is something off about the basic story pacing of The Kiss. The constant time flash forwards are a tad jarring, and much of the plot development seems to have no real calendar to give us any sort of time context

Lessons Learned

When your nanny introduces herself to your 11 year old daughter with the offer that she is going to teach her how to flirt with doctors, you may want to intervene before she also possesses her body

Oversized sweaters with full body bald eagle prints will drive the male mall crowd WILD

Leopard print, tiger stripes, why choose?

If you’re having difficulty escaping a demonic swimming pool, perhaps you should try moving one foot away to this wacky new contraption call ‘a ladder’

Rent/Bury/Buy

The Kiss is no lost ‘80s gem, but it sure is a good time, particularly for those of and near my generation whose hearts simply soften a few spots when our noses smell hairspray. The DVD is sadly sans extras, so a casual rental should satisfy your curiosity with a few smiles. 

Mall Madness!

I suppose it's time to face the facts: 

Christmas is here. Hot chocolate is now commonly being sipped after spiked by my hands with whipped cream and cinnamon. And I'm already trembling with memories of my last year's post on The 12 Scares of Christmas (click to read). With the soprano shrieks of Carol of the Bells stabbing my inner ears, I figured I'd call back to 2009 with another post tragically dissolved by the demise of Pop Syndicate:

It may be shopping season, but you can bet your coupon book you won’t find me inside a heavily trafficked, swine flu spreading mall on any upcoming weekend this December. To prevent myself from being stampeded in a more painful manner than Lou Diamond Philips’ horse-trod friend in The First Power, I’m holding my own couch potato shopping spree with a marathon of all the best mall-centric horror. As a bonus for this season of gift giving generosity, I’m including a few suggestions for what to buy your loved one, inspired by these films but thankfully, available through any online retailer.

Dawn of the Dead(s)

It’s so good, there are two version of it...plus two more via the original’s deluxe DVD set, including an extended director’s cut and Dario Argento’s more compact and less humorous European release. Romero’s original hits upon all the hallmarks of a super shopping plaza--dressing rooms, arcades, ice rinks, great deals on hard candy--while also guilting its audience into acknowledging the consumerist culture zombification of the general public. Zack Snyder’s 2004 remake tries to make its characters act deeper than their freeloading ways suggest, but ultimately, the audience is hard-pressed to agree with Ving Rames’ plan to leave the safest, most comfortable and accommodating location one could hope to loiter in during a time of disaster. How could anyone surrender such a place when it’s scored to the relaxing chords of Richard Cheese?

Gift Idea: If you’re still in the ‘70s or now inhabiting Texas, I’m sure a fully featured shotgun would make any sweetheart sigh with stars in his or her eyes. While many folks have issues with firearms, most would most likely understand you’re only looking out for their safety in the wake of an inevitable zompacalypse. For a less controversial couples holiday present, consider a video camera (for you know, videotaping exercise?), telescope for those late night stargazings dates that best help one forget the very recent death of a parent, crowd pleasing DVD like National Lampoon’s Animal House, or border collie mix for security and affection.

Bio Zombie

You can only watch Dawn of the Dead so many times before you ask yourself: how would this improved by the presence of Bill Espresten Esquire and Ted Theodore Logan? Sadly, it seems doubtful that Keanu Reeves will ever break out his Wyld Stallions denim and would be incredibly depressing if Alex Winter squeezed back into his midriff-baring tee shirt. Thankfully, there’s Bio Zombie, a 1998 Hong Kong zomedy that plants two humorously rude mallrats into a zombie invaded shopping complex. It’s hard not to have a good time with jokes about Titanic, human appendage sushi, and low budget noshing. The only drawback? The film takes place after closing hours, thus limiting the feasting to lingering leftovers and some likable employees.

Gift Idea: A Precious Moments figurine to show your tender side and take your love back to his or her first Communion. 

Chopping Mall

The title says it all. Well, not really, as ‘chopping’ calls to mind axes and not killer robots using lasers to punish shoplifters and scandalous store employees sneaking into a mall for an overnight sleepover. But hey, it’s still gravy when you get to watch bratty teen delinquents picked off one by one by security guards that make Terminators look like Quakers. Now if only the inevitable Paul Blart franchise goes enough entries in to feature a crossover...

Gift Idea: An aromatic stick of pepperoni, a little known aphrodisiac for the Saturday sale-grubbing crowd

Elves

I previously mentioned this film when discussing misleading titles, as we never see more than one of the titular monster in this 1989 horror dud. Still, tis the season for an Xmas themed mall massacre, and to my knowledge, Elves marks the first and somehow only meeting of two hallmarks of the holiday season: Grizzly Adams and Nazis. What, you didn’t know Josef Mengele was working on creating a superrace of angry little people for world domination? Did you even pass junior high history? Sadly we’re not here to discuss Hitler’s relationship with vertically challenged henchmen (yes, that was added just so I can throw a reference out to Hard Rock Zombies) so Elves makes this shopping list due to its partial setting inside a giant department store. Like Chopping Mall, the promiscuous leads sneak in after hours to seduce some teenage boys and battle a fairly ridiculous monster. This one just happens to be a very pink, very short German.

Gift Idea: Sportswear. Yes, the girls model some frilly teddies made of more lace than a casserole doily, but it’s the blue bathing suit on the blond that the ladies and gentlemen deem sleepover worthy. Plus, it’s much easier to maneuver a killer elf when you don’t have to worry about frilly fabric getting stuck in automatic doors. Just because an outfit is intended for intimate occasions does not mean one should ignore its practicality in the event of Nazi sorcery sponsored slaughter.

Eight Legged Freaks

Holing yourself up inside an armored supercenter is certainly one way to evade an arac-attack. The downside? Once locked in, there are only so many tools that prove successful at combating gigantic toxic waste infused spiders before they suck out your innards in a colorfully PG-13-esque manner.

Gift Idea: An easy to carry, strongly scented bottle of reasonably priced perfume or cologne. True, your lady or male friend/teacher/relation may not be thrilled with the smell, but any old brand will show you care...especially when said gift receiver finds him or herself standing face-to-fuzzy-face with Shelob’s descendent who, conveniently enough, is quite sensitive to flowery sprits. 

The Final Destination

It was only a matter of time before this perfectly toned dead teenager franchise took to the malls. Between automatic gates and ink blot security tags, it’s a wonder this fourth installment wasn’t set entirely inside an indoor shopping center. Instead, we get treated to seeing what would actually happen if your loose shoelaces get stuck at the top of your average escalator. The results, as you might expect, are fabulously not fun (for the characters; those of us watching are having a great time).

Gift Idea: Comfy velcro-based sneakers. Anything else is the equivalent of coating your loved one in honey, sugar, and blood, then tying them to the coastal point where sea meets land and the Grim Reaper’s esteemed collection of killer bees, ants, and sharks come to feed.