High School Is Hell

Getting old is hard.

I say this not as the woman who once pulled her back while buying a mattress or  the same who DVRs Jeopardy! with a vengeance, but as the film fan who now has absolutely no memory of why a disc was not just added, but bumped to the very top of her queue. Such is the case with 2009's Tormented.

Maybe I'd heard good things? Director Jon Wright has been in the horror spotlight recently for the beloved (though still unseen by  me) Grabbers. Perhaps it was that? Or maybe, more realistically, I saw a tagline that included the phrase "hell hath no fury like an asthmatic nerd" and figured, 'yeah, that's for me.'

Quick Plot: Darren Mullet was a chubby outcast dubbed Shrek by the mean kids at his English private school. We open on his funeral, as the bullied teen has just committed suicide, leaving behind one outcast friend who is now filled with rage at the cruel jocks who tortured the poor kid and the overachieving golden girl who never even knew that Darren existed, much less that he was madly in love with her.

Said overachiever is Justine, the sunny valedictorian who suddenly finds herself part of the A-list when the handsome Alexis asks her out. Naturally, the A-list includes such gems as the handsome but sociopathic prankster,, his dumb but sturdy righthand man, their dimwitted girlfriends, and a white rapper.

Fear not: the white rapper dies first. 

A lot more will follow, of course, as Darren makes a zombie/ghost resurrection into a grisly yet creative murder spree. First-time screenwriter Stephen Prentice tells the tale with a tricky balance of humor and horror, giving real weight to the effects of bullying but finding a lot of cleverness within the entire microcosm that is high school. Side characters include an adorably earnest goth click, a cruel gym teacher with a decidedly un-PC moral code, and a Keira Knightley fan club. 

These are all very good things.

Despite its rather trite premise and low budget, Tormented is a hugely enjoyable horror comedy crafted with surprising skill. Teenage dialogue can often be insufferable on film, but Prentice's script flows well and the young actors embody their ugliness with fun zest.

This is the kind of film that has bully comeuppance climax in a locker room towel slapping and fatal wedgie. When done right, that's a pretty great thing.

High Points

You have to applaud a film aimed at a younger audience that seems to insist on safe sex without making a point of it

Low Points

Did I miss something, or did we never actually learn how Darren came back, or more importantly, and SPOILER-y, why his asthma inhaler was his power source?

Lessons Learned

Boys always always want a shag with a movie

You don’t need a phone if you don’t have friends to talk to

If such tales as Carrie and Slaughter High have taught you nothing, let this film reinforce the time-old lesson that it really does pay to be nice to the uncool kids

Stray Observations

Hey Hannah, don't worry: there are indeed some people who would be far happier skipping the loud and obnoxious party in favor of staying home and watching Atonement.

Rent/Bury/Buy

I had a genuinely fun time watching Tormented. It's currently only a disc rental via Netflix, but it's definitely worth a gander, if not blind buy. I don't necessarily see myself revisiting it any time soon, but I'm definitely now going to scout out Grabbers and keep an ear out for screenwriter Stephen Prentice and Jon Wright's next work. Solid stuff.

Bag Gift Ideas For Mother's Day: Werewolfism

Where were you when The Great Netflix Purge of 2013 hit? Stuck in an elevator with poor wi-fi? Trapped on a subway counting down to midnight? Locked in your recliner with the vow to clear that queue before the midnight cleansing?

For the un-instant watching, TGNP’13 has become an infamous day in modern history. To make room for its increased original programming (and a little show you might have heard of called Arrested Development), Netflix cleared out a few hundred/thousand titles on May 1^st from its streaming service. For some of my film-loving friends, this was a cinematic holocaust. For me, well…it simply gave me the impetus to watch a werewolf horror comedy co-starring Brion James and a lot of bad ‘90s haircuts.

Quick Plot: Emily is a pleasant sixtysomething widow whose son Clay is quickly rising as a go-to field reporter for a local news station. As Clay investigates a vicious rash of murders slowly spreading to his community, Emily rents her spare bedroom to a shifty blind man named Lester, played by the always shifty James. Before she can cash in his security deposit, Lester turns Emily into his werewolf hunting partner.

Early on in the film, Mom showed a lot of promise. There seemed to be a pointed effort to not tread typical werewolf territory, and having Lester and Emily wander through the slums of LA to scout out the best fed homeless entrée was a nice twist. Once Clay learns his mother’s secret, Mom even posits and interesting theme on what it means to be an adult taking care of your parents as they become less and less able. Like so many lycanthropic tales, Mom had plenty of firm ground to explore.

But meh.

Writer/director Patrick Rand worked on quite a few cult gems, including the somewhat similarly toned The Unborn and the, you know, POSITIVELY AMAZING Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure. He also edited a Baby Einstein video, which I imagine is an experience akin to being trapped inside a washing machine with a bag of Skittles. That aside, Mom is certainly a well-made film, one that gets good performances out of its fairly unknown cast and displays some passable makeup effects.

But meh.

Here’s the issue with Mom: it’s a horror comedy. Here’s the thing about horror comedies: they should be horror and comedy. Or horrific comedy. Or funny horror. The balance varies, but both conditions must be met in some capacity.

Mom doesn’t really meet either.

There are certainly moments of humor, but minus the hilarity of this era’s mullets, nothing really elicits more than a smile. Emily isn’t sweet or dark enough, and while her struggle to resist murder has stakes, the film doesn’t quite treat them with any real heft. That would be fine if the jokes were effective, but plainly and simply, they just aren’t. 

Pleasant. That’s what Mom is. Occasionally sweet, often bordering on dull (but MAN do those early 90s fashions save it from ever sinking) and overall, just not that special.

High Points

The first woman to be werewolfed, it should be noted, displayed a rather fantastic scream

Low Notes

The fact that the victim who dies before the opening credits having a good scream was the only genuine high note

Lessons Learned

When preparing your human meal, make sure he or she lays off the tobasco sauce

Always keep an open can of grease handy in the kitchen

There are ways to make tequila very unsexy. They tend to involve slobbery prostitutes with poodle hair

Being an unofficial Girl Scout in the 1990s was dangerous work

Rent/Bury/Buy

The Netflix Purge has made Mom rather hard to come by, as there seems to be no DVD release. Really folks, that’s okay. Neither funny nor scary, Mom isn’t the kind of film that deserves ebay scouring. If it ever comes back to Instant Watch and you’re the kind of cool cat that simply adores tame werewolf comedies from the early 1990s, then hey! Watch Mom. But considering it’s the second Sunday in May, I’d say you’re better off spending the time honoring the actual mothers in your life. Hope you made that brunch reservation!

Needs More Katt

I seem to have bad luck with the House sequels.

See, you probably don’t know this, but quite a few months ago, I sat down to watch The Horror Show with the full intention of sharing my thoughts in this familiar place. I was even more enthused when I realized it was occasionally considered an in-name-only threequel to the bouncy William Kattastic House. 

(Random thought: the next installment should indeed be about a haunted bouncy house)

For whatever reason, I just couldn’t get a review written. I bumbled around a little bit, learned one lesson (“If a foot’s frying in one deep fryer, you can probably guess the rest of the parts are frying in another”) and decided to abandon ship, leaving Lance Henrikson and Michelle Pfeiffer’s less famous sister on their own.

Cut to a few months later when the horror comedy mood struck me hard enough to queue up the ACTUAL House sequel, a film that proves its pedigree by a) sharing its predecessor’s theme and b) also featuring a barfly from Cheers. Although House II: The Second Story (possible favorite subtitle ever) doesn’t actually connect to the original in terms of character, it is a little more official in terms of its franchise pedigree.

And once again, I feel incredibly apathetic writing about it.

Quick Plot: Our prologue introduces us to a married couple handing off their infant son to another while they return to their Victorian style home to confront what can only be described as a ghost cowboy looking for a crystal skull.

Already better than Indy 4

When the pair refuses him, our ghost cowboy shoots them both and sends us 25 years later to the rocking ‘80s present, where Jesse (Ellen’s Arye Gross) and his girlfriend Kate (the telepathic heroine of the seventh Friday the 13th) are now moving into the long-abandoned home. Before they even have a chance to find the nearest pizza delivery, their pals Charlie and pre-Problem Child Amy Yasbeck drunkenly drive on over to open up all sorts of house secrets, including the burial location of Jesse’s namesake and great grandpa.

Because alcohol generally makes us do really awesome things, Jesse and Charlie grab some shovels and exhume Gramps (played with the same bumpkin swagger as Royal Dano’s one year later role in Killer Klowns From Outer Space) in the hopes of finding the famed skull. Gramps turns out to be rather spry--if a bit crusty--and turns into the life of the Halloween party, stealing the show from a young Bill Maher. When a big beefy leotarded giant crashes the festivities to hijack the relic, Jesse and Charlie end up traversing the alternate dimensions hidden within the house.

Stop motion animated monsters wander, weird dino bird things squawk, and the cutest worm since Labyrinth barks its way around to help protect Gramps from the ghost cowboy he apparently killed a hundred years or so earlier. There’s also a random time warp into an Incan virgin sacrifice (maybe?), a blond being traded for another and back again, a whole lot of slapsticky skull dropping, and time travel.

You might say this is a busy film.

House II: The Second Story shares the same horror comedy vibe as its original, minus the whole PTSD Vietnam veteran angle and dead kid thing. In other words, it’s a little lighter. With its cartoon violence and colorful creatures, House II actually feels more in line with an episode of Pee-Wee’s Playhouse than The Evil Dead.

I should like House II, and I’m fairly certain that on another day, I just might. Like the original, it boasts a gleeful assortment of bizarrely fun practical monsters, plus an even goofier tone that just begs to be contagious. For whatever reason though, I found the antics somewhat tiresome. Most days, the sight of a prehistoric worm dog would make me smile. Today, I just yawned.

High Points

Prehistoric worm dog!

Aside from the prehistoric worm dog, House II’s best moments come courtesy of Cliff Clifton himself, John Ratzenberger playing the world’s most efficient electrician who also happens to have Michonne-like skills when fencing Incan spirits

Low Points

A gal can only watch so many interceptions via dinosaur of magical crystal skulls before she just stops caring

Lessons Learned

Even in the late 80s, car phones got no reception in haunted locations

Neither mummies nor baby pterodactyls make for a good excuse when caught getting friendly with your ex

‘Sir’ is a term reserved for politicians

All old folksy men played by Royal Dano in the late '80s had a lot of questions for tarnation

Rent/Bury/Buy

House II fits a very particular niche of ‘80s horror comedies, and by those terms, it’s a fun watch. I would certainly recommend fans of that era check this one out via Instant Watch, even if I seemed in this viewing to be immune to its considerable charms. I’ll chalk it up to the weather, because on a typical day, I fully endorse old grizzled zombie prospectors going on Abe Simpson-esque rants while being fueled by endless liquor. Maybe I’m the weirdo in this scenario.

KattHouse

House is one of those ‘80s VHS staples that nobody actually seems to remember. While few could forget those luscious mulleted curls exploding out of William Katt’s head, the movie itself always felt more relevant as a perennial fixture (along with its three sequels) on video store shelves. We all THOUGHT we saw it at one point in time, but did we care?

Quick Plot: William Golden God Katt plays Roger Corbett, a successful horror novelist stuck with writer’s block as he struggles to pen his memoirs of his dark secrets in Vietnam. Following the earlier death of his son and subsequent divorce from his primetime soap star wife, Roger moves into the mysterious (and titular) house of his aunt, a batty artist who hanged herself in the film’s prologue.

It doesn’t take long for gooey monsters to pop out of closets and mounted trophy swordfish to flop about-

-yes, just like Billy Bass

It's tough being a writer, as Roger now has to balance ghost hunting/tolerating with remembering his days of combat beside good old genre stalwart Richard Moll. Despite the amusing/annoying aide of nosy neighbor George Wendt, the misdirected flirtations of a sexy foreign neighbor, and the sympathy of his ex-wife, Roger can’t seem to catch a break.

House is a most definite horror comedy, a subgenre that can degrade faster than almost any other with the passage of time. Any comeror or horromedy (yeah, I’ll stop doing that) generally relies on the gameness of its cast and willingness of its audience to let loose and laugh at what, with the removal of a few musical cues or altered facial expressions, is expected to incite fear in another title. 

Does House work? Yes and no. Released in an age rife with haunted homes on camera (the Amityville series and Poltergeist were already sequels in), House has plenty of fun poking around at the squishy goblins and floating tools so identified with ‘80s suburban horror. The monster designs aren’t aiming for a Thing-like iconography, but there’s a great sense of personality about their look that finds a nice balance between the scary and silly. William Katt is one of those innately likable actors with a natural charisma that makes him easy to watch, an important factor since he’s in every scene of the film.

So what doesn’t work? Well, it’s not so much about what fails as much as it is what doesn’t go far enough. House is a tame film, one working hard for chuckles rather than laughs. Directed by Friday the 13th Parts 2 & 3 and Halloween: H20’s Steve Miner, it plays in the shallow end of the gorgeously kept inground pool without daring to cross the deeper territory of Evil Dead 2 or Dead Alive. That’s fine, as an attempt for all-out goofiness that fails can be painful for all involved. But ultimately, it makes House--which went on to slowly reap three sequel(ishe)s--fairly forgettable entertainment.

High Points

Even though he doesn’t get to have quite as much fun as I’d like to see, it’s always pleasant to see Richard Moll working in a film not tarnished by grain on a Mill Creek transfer

There’s a wonderful passing moment where Roger sits down to watch his wife’s Dynasty-like soap, a fine reminder of how great those storylines could be. Sample line of dialogue: “I can’t hide the fact that I’ve been a male prostitute for most of my life.” Can I watch THAT movie please?

Low Points

The tone is more than a bit confusing, especially when we consider the fact that there’s suicide, Vietnam trauma, and a dead child lurking around the peripheral of House’s main plotline

Lessons Learned

The best way to get over an ex you still harbor feelings for? Shoot a monster wearing its clothing

Solitude is always better with someone

When the sexy blond neighbor asks you if you like to play, she might indeed be referring to Chutes & Ladders or Hide ‘n Seek

Fashion Alert

Hey able-bodied men: whenever you’re ready, the world is welcoming of the sexy deep V-neck sweater to make its triumphant return

Rent/Bury/Buy

House is currently streaming on Netflix Instant, which makes it fine for a fluffy afternoon with the kids (minus the suicide and PTSD). It’s light, goofy, but not over the top comedy with the look of a horror film. Nostalgic ‘80s fans will certainly appreciate some of its references, while younger audiences may just find it on their level. Don’t ring the bell expecting to be scared, but do take comfort in knowing you’ll be staring at William Katt’s baby blue eyes for 90 minutes. 

To each her own.