When It's All There, Right In the Title...

Despite my Long Island heritage, the Amityville Horror franchise is a pretty large blind spot in my genre fandom, so when one of its many, many entries popped up on Shudder with one of the best/dumbest subtitles I've ever seen, how could I not give it a go?

IT'S ABOUT TIME!

Quick Plot: Architect Jake returns home after a business trip to New York--well, a little east of New York, that is--bringing with him an antique clock that he thinks his teenage kids will adore. 

Cause, you know, if there's one thing teenagers in any decade dig, it's antique clocks. 

Good girl Lisa and bad boy Rusty have been under the care of Andrea, Jake's all-too-generous ex-girlfriend who can't seem to shake her old relationship off.

They are not overly impressed by the clock. 

Jake, on the other hand, quickly falls under its spell (because obviously, it's evil). After being attacked by the usually friendly German Shepherd next door (in a delightfully The Beyond-like sequence), Jake is injured enough that poor saintly Andrea moves back in to help, just in time for her ex to begin displaying some werewolf-ish aggression.

Meanwhile, daughter Lisa's haunting takes on a different manifestation: horniness. 

Only Andrea and Rusty seem to be immune to the clock's possessing spirit, and both enlist the help of those closest to them to solve the mystery. For Andrea, that means her current squeeze, a pretentious psychiatrist just begging for a vicious death. For Rusty, it's his best friend: the eccentric old lady next door who always has a chess set ready for when he wants to cut class and...play chess with the eccentric old lady next door.

As Jake gets angrier and Lisa hornier, the clock's evil intensifies. 

It's pretty sweet.

Directed by Hellraiser 2 and Ticks' Tony Randel, Amitvyille 1992: It's About Time is exactly as much fun as its silly title implies. There are wacky, creative genre sequences laced with an odd sense of humor. A pre-Final Destination-ish drawn-out near death experience involving an ice cream truck, a mirror possession, toy train set seduction that turns into a body melt. It's a weird thing to enjoy, but you also kind of have to appreciate that it flirts with some sibling seduction, clearly an homage to The Amityville Horror II: Possession. 

I can't speak to how It's About Time measures up against the rest of the rarely universally loved Amityville series, but by golly, it sure is fun on its own. You might even say ...

High Points

The Sterling's house is so wonderfully late '80s awful that it genuinely makes the whole film pop

I do not have the ability to express how happy the film's final line made me, mostly because it's a feeling that might be bigger than anything else I've experienced in my entire 38 years of life

Low Points

As is true of many an early '90s horror film, there's a sort of lack of commitment to a full out spooky or comedic tone. While it works out when you watch it 30 years later, I do wonder what the real intention was meant to be

Lessons Learned

Unleashed architects are one of the more dangerous sorts to be haunted

Life is like a Skullcrusher song

Ice cream truck drivers can radio in emergencies

Rent/Bury/Buy

Sit yourself down and watch this weird little movie. I know what you like. 

And in case you forgot...

I'm a Manhattan Baby

There’s something about the title “Manhattan Baby” that just SCREAMS Big Broadway Musical. Once you learn that this actually applies to a typical gooey piece of slightly surreal, slightly just messy Lucio Fulci horror, it positively BEGS for the deluxe Andrew Lloyd Webber treatment.

Quick Plot: While on work vacation in Egypt, the Hacker family experiences a few unhappy events that probably won’t make the annual slideshow recap. Father George, an archaeologist, explores a pyramid only to be blinded by lasers (it’s just like when the airport loses your luggage, only you’re blinded by lasers) while daughter Susie is gifted with a sparkly, eeeeeeeeviiiiiiiiiiil amulet by a blind old woman.

Back home in New York, Susie quickly shows symptoms of demonic possession by an ancient Egyptian evil. Or, more precisely , signs that she’s in a movie helmed by Lucio Fulci.

Observe the following touchstones:

-a blind woman with no pupils

-the very hard-working electronic score

-dubbing!

-a character named Emily

-a plot that kinda makes sense, but also really doesn’t

-portals to netherworlds

Far less beloved than The Beyond or City of the Living Dead, Manhattan Baby sees Fulci coasting on his landmarks but still having some fun. Take, for whatever reason, a supporting character who just happens to insist upon playing with goofy magician props in every one of his few scenes. Perhaps it’s necessary since his disappearance gives us such lines as “He’s a frivolous guy but this is serious!”

Lucio Fulci is rarely considered a master of the genre. While I will go to my grave arguing the merits of his underrated giallo Don’t Torture a Duckling, his films are generally riddled with laziness, be it stories that don’t add up, blatantly homemade special effects, and dialogue written and spoken by a first level ESL student. That being said, there’s also a whole lot of entertainment to usually be had. Yes, crunchy pipe cleaner tarantulas are funnier than they are scary, but I’ll take them over slow dragging cinema any day. 

Seriously, THIS HAPPENS

High Points

You can never fault Fulci for featuring dull deaths. Reanimating taxidermied vultures for a true birdemic with visible wires? Yes please

Low Points

Perhaps it’s that Manhattan Baby has a more straightforward plot than something like The Beyond, but there’s something about the story that just drags in a way that screams for more shots of venomous snakes alternated with shots of an actress screaming even though it’s clear they’re never in the same room

Lessons Learned

Don’t ever forget that the scorpion is a symbol of death

If you’re an actress playing a babysitter and your name is Jamie Lee, you will be okay. If you’re a character babysitting NAMED Jamie Lee, you should find new employment or make a thorough will

When filming, even with a low budget, it’s important to notice the little things, like when a large piece of hair is stuck to the center of your camera and therefore visible in several key scenes

Rent/Bury/Buy

Manhattan Baby is a "Long Wait" on Netflix, so it's worth putting toward the top of your queue just to ensure you get it before it becomes unavailable (trust me: I've been burned before). That being said, you're far better off watching Fulci's more famous melty movies, so this one should be reserved for true enthusiasts. Yes, there are lasers and zombified birds pecking out eyeballs, but there’s also a lot of muddled exposition in between. 

You Are Now Entering the Gates to the City of Living Dead of Hell

The best thing about recently watching City of the Living Dead is discovering that it’s also known as The Gates of Hell. See, all this time I thought I was realllly behind on my Italian horror viewing and assumed I had not one but two Fulci classics to catch up on. Imagine, then, my pleasure at realizing I was actually killing two birdemics with one stone.

Quick Plot: When I’m talking about Fulci films, this is usually the part where I excuse myself to giggle for a few minutes. 

Deep breath...

Okay. A priest hangs himself in the town of Dunwich, a New England (sure) hamlet with a history of witch persecution. Meanwhile, somewhere else, a psychic named Mary (Fulci regular Catriona MacColl, or, as the opening credits here claim, Katriona Mac Call) dies during a seance just after discovering the titular (depending on your cut) Gates of Hell have now been opened in Dunwich, rendering all the dead into teleporting zombies. 

Meanwhile, a gravely reporter named Peter (Christopher George, he of Graduation Day ) becomes interested in Mary’s death and visits her freshly dug (and not covered) grave. This is quite good for Mary, since she’s actually alive (no reason ever really given for how that got by the doctors) and saved by the even more curious Peter. Despite the whole being buried alive thing, Mary recovers quick enough to insist on heading to Dunwich in order to save the world. Somehow.

That’s kind of City of the Living Dead, just with a lot of creatively rendered and caused gore tossed in. As we can expect from a Fulci film, great things happen, like a girl calmly vomiting up her internal organs and a young man having his head drilled in one end and out the other. There’s also a whole lot of nonsensical dialogue, extreme closeups on actors’ eyes, and a story that never quite communicates its urgency. 

At the same time, City of the Living Dead is far more linear than something like The Beyond . The plot makes some sense, but in typical Fulci fashion, the audience is less concerned about the details of the climax than they are with ensuring said climax is filled with gooey Italian carnage. It is.

High Points

You can’t fault the gore, which looks as icky as you’d expect and hope for in a Fulci film

Low Points

So this is the second movie that involves a character named Emily dying a horrible death. Were Fulci still alive, I’d make it a point of never pissing him off

Lessons Learned

Union rules for grave diggers are quite strict

In some forms of therapy, it’s perfectly okay for the psychologist’s girlfriend to barge into a private session and discuss a canceled date in front of the stressed out patient slowly coming to terms with her incestuous urges

New England is the foggiest place on earth

Rent/Bury/Buy

I streamed City of the Living Dead on Netflix which was probably enough for a casual Italian horror enthusiast such as myself. The film has recently received the fully featured Blu Ray treatment, so those with a serious Fulci fetish will probably be happy with a buy. Like The Beyond, this is certainly rewatchable in a background kind of way, particularly since the story makes such little sense that it won’t necessarily merit your full attention. It’s definitely worth a watch, particularly if you’re a completist. Not great by any means, but passable entertainment at its gooiest.

De-Filed!

April 16th is a day most celebrated by CPAs relieved to end the hellish tax season, but for those off-the-books employees, it's just another 24 hours of cash payments without government interference. Of course, under the table occupations come with their own drawbacks in addition to the benefits--not legal, of course--that one should always consider before biting a thumb at Uncle Sam.

But gee, how can I possibly know which unofficial careers are hazardous? Considering this is a column devoted to horror movies, do you really have to ask?

Graverobbing

As Seen In: I Sell the Dead, Repo! The Genetic Opera

Perks: Depending on the climate, the joy of working outdoors; coworkers won’t annoy you with personal calls or gum snapping

Cons: The smell of rotting flesh; the occasional zombie uprising; vicious wars with Irish street gangs; likely STDs contracted from client Paris Hilton

Babysitting

As Seen In: Halloween, House of the Devil, When a Stranger Calls, The Pit

Perks: Free reign on a stranger’s kitchen; access to cable TV; that feeling of power you can relish in dangling early bedtime over weaker beings

Cons: Becoming the target of a super efficient slasher, dealing with bratty, occasionally dirty-minded rugrats with Svengali-esque teddy bears

Handyman

As Seen In: The Beyond, The Bad Seed, The Hand That Rocks the Cradle

Perks: There’s always a new task to tackle

Cons: Dealing with shoddy non-OSHA certified ladders can easily cause fatal falls over the gates of hell; Competition with other househelp can lead to legal woes; Disagreements with employers’ children never ends in your favor

Artist

As Seen In: Spiral, Fear of Clowns, The Driller Killer, The Collector (1965)

Perks: Get beautiful women to stare at you seductively in progressively less clothing each week; Host gallery openings where you can meet wealthy single men

Cons: Being stalked by topless clowns; Being kidnapped by creepy Terrence Stamp; Feeling mooched off of by your bisexual girlfriend

Prostitution

As Seen In: Peeping Tom, American Psycho, Saw II/IV,

Perks: Great for those that prefer nighttime hours; Occasional wealthy clients can yield a decent payday

Cons: The whole having-sex-with-maniacs thing doesn't always prove worth the stitches and chainsaw-caused concussions; Being locked inside dank real estate filled with poisonous gas and six other ex-cons

Thievery

As Seen In: The People Under the Stairs, Psycho

Perks: Enjoying money and pretty things that aren’t yours

Cons: Guard dogs; Twitchiness; Karma

Camp Chef

As Seen In: Sleepaway Camp

Perks: All the oatmeal you can sneak; In a world pre-Megan’s Law, it seems possible to get hired despite a clear sense of ill intentions towards kids

Cons: Nobody misses you (or your cooking) when you end up boiling in your own pot

Slavery

As Seen In: Candyman, Underworld, Broken

Perks: Zero stress wondering what to do with your time

Cons: Angry mobs; Chains can chafe 

I don't know about the rest of you, but I think I'll stick with clocking in my hours. Sure, even the most straight-laced employers can be agents of the devil, but at least they'll lead a paper trail into hell where, if you're lucky, a union rep just might bail you out. 

D'oh! So That's Why I'm Dead

Devoted horror fans put up with a lot. Bad acting and clunky dialogue are often standard, while roving misogyny and special effects made during arts ‘n’ crafts class are not uncommon. Worse of all, we find ourselves constantly defending a genre littered with characters that make Jessica Simpson look like a Rhodes Scholar.

Sadly even good horror films are not immune. Let’s look at a few examples where seemingly smart characters doom themselves with stupid decisions. 

Mapping The Blair Witch Project

From the plain-faced actors to the music-less sounds of autumn, The Blair Witch Project achieved a sense of realism so true, gullible fans formed vigilant search missions to save the ill-fated (and fictional) filmmaker trio. For all its clever plotting and subtle scenes, however, there is one glaring plot flaw that could make even the most loyal fan say, “At least Book of Shadows didn’t do that.

"I kicked the map into the river!"proclaims the giggling, near hysteric Mike. It’s certainly understandable that being lost in the woods and low on food would play with our characters’ heads here and there, but could it also transform a once smart man into a total idiot? Granted, the map would probably have served no other purpose than becoming a sharp paper airplane to jab into Heather’s eye, but still: making a character that careless cuts our sympathies by a granola bar portion.

The Beyond Stupidity

It’s easy to watch a zombie film these days with a sense of superiority. After experiencing hundreds encounters with shamblers, sprinters, talkers, and every other varietal, most discerning fans know the only way to survive a meeting with an undead warrior is to shoot him or her in the head. Of course, in 1981, this wasn’t quite universal knowledge and thus, David Warbek’s heroic doctor in Lucio Fulci’s surreal classic is somewhat excused for firing a few stray rounds. For an untrained marksman, the head is not always the most obvious target.

Of course, all that should change when, after shooting a bunch of rotting corpses to no effect in the stomach, a head shot finally takes one down. Most people--especially those with enough intelligence to pass medical school--would probably reason that repeating said shot could defeat the approaching monsters. This guy? Not so much. Then again, he does load his rifle by dropping bullets down the barrel, so maybe he just knows something we don’t.

Taking Advantage of The Ruins

Stranded on an abandoned temple, surrounded by gun-wielding natives, and running out of food and water, the five pretty young people of 2008’s surprisingly good little horror film have little hope for survival. Well, they do have one weapon but despite the fair amount of intelligence present in these young college educated characters, no one thinks to take advantage of the one piece of leverage they have against their human antagonists: the villainous plants. 

When Jenna Malone breaks down, she hurls a loose piece of greenery straight at her captors. It brushes a young boy and before you can say poison ivy, another local soldier instantly shoots the unlucky fellow. Logic would follow that tossing a few more flowers in their direction could buy a little time by inciting a shootout, perhaps providing enough chaos for a frantic escape. I guess our party girls and boys slept through Logic and Survival Skills 101 freshman year.

That Darned Pet Sematary

Mary Lamber’s 1989 adaptation of Stephen King’s novel has produced its share of nightmares (in mine, Gage and Chucky would teamed up against me as the world’s scariest duo with a combined height under four feet) but in order to truly  be frightened, the audience is forced to endure not one but three character decisions that defy basic logic.

The kindly retired Hermann Munster/author of wonderful children’s books Fred Gwynne plays a weathered old man who knows his home town well. Upon the death of the new neighbors’ beloved kitty, Gwynne’s Jud encourages Mr. Creed to bury it in the local pet graveyard, knowing full well that what goes into the ground will come up...different. And never good.

Not surprisingly, the feline Church returns with an extremely unreasonable dose of cattitude. You’d think the young father had learned his lesson, but then true tragedy strikes, killing his young son. Naturally, the best idea seems to be a post-mortem move back into the old neighborhood. This not-so-bright decision can certainly be excused when taking into account the grief of losing a child, so I’ll cut the grieving father some slack. However, upon being widowed (whaddya know, by the very monster he helped to create), Mr. Creed returns again to the clearly cursed pet cemetery to bury his late wife. Because surely three times is the charm.

Really? Sure, your daughter is conveniently stashed away at Grandma’s, but if you think this move is going to inspire a second honeymoon, prepare for some serious disappointment.

Dumbness in Dawn of the Dead ’04

I spent several years working in the pet care industry and have owned dogs and cats my whole life. I know how deeply love can run with the canine species. 

I’m also not an idiot.

According to Zack Snyder and James Gunn’s revision of the zombie rules, freshly spry corpses run faster than Ricky Henderson in his prime. They’re also pickier eaters than the average supermodel, preferring an Atkins friendly menu of human meat with no cheats allowed on puppy ribs. Hence, when border collie Chips is dispatched to bring a few sandwiches to the sharpshooting Andy, he doesn’t need protection. 

Tell that to the whiny redhead who puts several lives in danger attempting to rescue the completely safe dog.

So am I being too hard on these intellectually inferior (and massively unlucky) characters, or should they all invest in a few good books? And which other casts would you nominate for Darwin Awards and certain death?