Third Time's the Charm

When you've got a good thing going, why stop? 

Quick Plot: It's been two years since Sophie Green escaped the clutches of Dr. Albert Beck, the lovesick cardiologist with a dangerous kick for young women. A former bright-eyed aspiring medical student, Sophie has traded her sundresses for a gothier style, complete with insomnia and post traumatic stress syndrome. 

See, closure is hard when the man who kidnapped you, threatened to amputate your limbs, and came thisclose to raping and killing you escaped conviction by charming a vulnerable female juror, just like Pablo Schrieber in that never-ending Law & Order: SVU storyline. Unwilling to let go, Sophie follows Beck to Phoenix where he's accepted a job teaching cardiology 101.

It's the very first day of school when Albert locks eyes with Melissa, a pretty blond who fits his exact type by not only being into older men, but also needing some health help that only he can provide. Meanwhile, Sophie begins a justified smear campaign (is that the right word if the target deserves it?) by starting a petition to have her former tormenter fired. Unfortunately, Albert is one step ahead, leading authority figures to see Sophie as an unreliable drug addict. 

Yes, if you can believe it, what we have here is the third Stalked By My Doctor Lifetime production examining gaslighting. It gets even more interesting when the lovestruck Melissa refuses to #believewomen, going so far as to plan Sophie's murder and coverup to protect her new boyfriend's name. 

Written and directed by the "Stalked By" specialist Doug Campbell, Patient's Revenge is pretty much everything fans of this franchise want. Beautiful unlived-in kitchens, ditzy dads who give terrible advice, and Eric Roberts playing off of, well, Eric Roberts as his conscious takes the form of himself decked out in a Hawaiian shirt, sipping an umbrella-laden cocktail and warning him about the dangers of younger women. 

Did I mention the musical fantasy sequence? It's here, and it's fabulous.

One does not look for feats of cinematic wonder on Lifetime, but Patient's Revenge manages to keep pushing the manic weirdness of the Stalked By series to shockingly fun heights. That's far more ambitious than many a theatrical release.

High Points

I could live a hundred lives and never find an actor better at throwing a temper tantrum at himself than Eric Roberts

Low Points

While the single flashback is played for genuine laughs, it seems a little odd that the events of Stalked By My Doctor 2 aren't really explained as such recent history

Lessons Learned

True love means not being freaked out to discover a photograph of yourself framed in your teacher's bedroom on your very first date

Every sexual predator has his own style when it comes to tying up women

Even the dumbest copy will not be fooled by a Frozen wig

Rent/Bury/Buy

If you didn't enjoy the first two Stalked By My Doctors, I can't imagine why you're still here (and along with that, how you have any joy in your heart). Lack of American Girl doll freakouts aside, this is easily the best yet. Roberts is having a blast, but the real treasure is how the film gives its former victim her own agency. This isn't the a feminist manifesto, but it's nice to see the third entry in a goofy Lifetime series playing with its power dynamics in surprising ways. 

But still: bring back the dolls

You Can't Keep a Good Stalking Doctor Down

Last year, the world got a little bit better when Lifetime aired Doug Campbell's Stalked By My Doctor, a ridiculously good time of a typical obsession film elevated skyscraper levels by the all-in performance of one Eric Roberts. 

One year later, the sun shines again.

Quick Plot: Dubbing himself Victor Slausen (which I like to dream is a Tourist Trap reference), our love-oozing doctor has been laying low in Acapulco, failing miserably at mingling with women a decade younger than him while masquerading as a non-profit world traveler. Things change dramatically when "Victor" revives beautiful California high school senior Amy (a few extra decades younger) with CRP after a rip tide nearly drowns her.

Following his failure with the similarly saved Sophie of last year, "Victor" seems to have learned a few useful tips about wooing a woman young enough to be your granddaughter. For starters, of course, charm her mother. Or, if we're following the Nabokov rules of May/December romance, marry her.

Much like Sophie, Amy has a doofy jock boyfriend who immediately recognizes a stalking doctor when he meets one. Clearly, Victor has a VERY consistent type, right down to her own choice of male companion that isn't a stalking doctor.

Of course, our stalking doctor is not only a stalker, but also, a doctor, so it's only a matter of time before he's sneaking into Amy's house at 3AM to replace her favorite iced tea with his own concoction of laxative-laced brew so that she'll be home sick the next day and he can fake a blood test that leads her to believe her doofy jock boyfriend is a lying cheater that gave her genital herpes.

In case you haven't guessed it, gosh do I love this series.

Was Stalked By My Doctor so aware of itself? It's hard to say, but its followup is in on the joke without letting the joke take it over (a move that keeps the Sharknados of the world forever outside the realm of genuine cult movies). Yes, Victor sitting down to a breakfast of pancakes that have been rather meticulously griddled to spell out "Amy" is ridiculous, but wisely, the object of batter-filled affection plays it straight. Everybody that isn't Eric Roberts performs with the same earnest solemnity as they would for any Lifetime movie, and that, in part, is the key to this movie's success.

See, there are many simple rules when it comes to making over-the-top so-bad-it's-hugely-enjoyable entertainment. When everyone knows and acts as if they're making the next The Room, the results feel insincere. Nobody wants to feel judged for enjoying something bad, and that's often where SyFy and The Asylum falter. Director Doug Campbell is no stranger to the Lifetime movie--he's made .... over a dozen--and he crafts Stalked By My Doctor: The Return following the same routine as any other one. Where his series gets to have fun comes primarily from the bizarre but genuinely invested performance of the one and only Eric Roberts.

"Victor" is a sad, lonely, disillusioned man who also happens to be extremely dangerous. Watching him plot his conquest, you can see that Roberts thought this man out through and through. Just observe how every time he has to look at his age-appropriate partner, he's fighting hard to suppress his disgust at everything about her that isn't Amy. Compare that to the uncomfortable satisfaction he shows when softening his eyes at his younger target, or even the complete nearly orgasmic touch that crosses his face when he discretely sniffs her hair. Victor is as over-the-top a villain as you'll ever find in a Lifetime original, but Eric Roberts doesn't sell it with mere melodrama.

Is this a good film? Of course not. It's a silly self-aware spin on the obsession sub-genre of the TV movie world, but it makes enough smart choices to never cross over into insult-the-audience territory. It's stupid, it's fun, and it will make you cackle. What else do you need?

High Points
This has obviously become Eric Roberts' franchise to rule, and he certainly takes it over with glory, but credit really does need to go to Campbell and his supporting cast for understanding just how to frame Victor's insanity in a more stable universe

Low Points
Look, Eric Roberts tiptoeing in the dark to elude capture in a kitchen while spiking his beloved's iced-tea with laxatives is great and all, but it's a far cry from his American Doll rampage of 2015

Lessons Learned
Career women are not impressed by unnamed yachts

The street names of Salt Lake City were mapped out on an x/y axis and everyone who has ever lived there knows that

Never trust a man who wears a sports jacket to the beach

Lack of Lesson Learned
One of the most serious platforms taken up by the first Stalked By My Doctor (after the whole "not cool for doctors to stalk" thing) was the dangers of texting when driving. How frustrating is it then to see Amy TEXTING WHEN DRIVING on her way to save her mother? DID SHE NOT WATCH THE FIRST STALKED BY MY DOCTOR?

Oh right. No, if she had, universes collide, yadda yadda. Carry on...

Rent/Bury/Buy
Look, if you don't find enjoyment from these kinds of movies, this probably won't convert you to the cult of Lifetime. But if you are willing to open your heart, to let down your guard, to fully embrace the glory that is Eric Roberts maniacally plotting his conquest of love, then you will, I vow, you will be rewarded.

Doctors Are People Too. Insane Socially Awkward Violent Rapey People

Believe it or not, there are some movies on this planet that are almost too fun to watch. 

This is one of them. 

Quick Plot: Dr. Beck is a man with needs. Despite being one of the country's greatest heart surgeons, he just can't seem to find that special someone to share his life and beach house with. Online dating gives him great excitement in between complicated cardio procedures, but his dates scare off quickly when he reveals his inner creep.

This is not a subtle man.

Sophie Green learns that the hard way. The fresh-faced seventeen year old is driving home with her boyfriend one day when his irresponsible texting lands her in the oily hands of our dear Dr. Beck. Before you can say A Talking Cat?!, Dr. Beck is licking the lips of a sedated Sophie after saving her life.

That's how you pay back a doctor, right?

I worry that I'm several paragraphs into this review and you, dear reader, are thinking to yourself, "this sounds like any other Lifetime obsession movie." Well friends, I ask you, does any other Lifetime obsession movie involve Eric Roberts sniffing the underwear of a knockoff American Girl doll, then having an epic freak-out on said knockoff American Girl doll that makes a rock star in a hotel room look like a gentleman dropping a monocle? 

Does any other Lifetime obsession movie have Eric Roberts going from 0 to 11 in less than a minute of a date gone wrong? With said date gone wrong ending with the greatest declaration of a breakup to come out of the 21st century:

That should be enough to cement Stalked By My Doctor into the annals of cinematic heave, but there's more. So much more. An oblivious dad who either has never seen a man lust after a woman, or really does believe that it's acceptable if the woman is attractive and the man is his doctor. A boyfriend with a chronic  texting-when-driving condition that's treated with more severity than a positive HIV test. Randomly inserted still photographs of Eric Roberts achieving recognition for his surgery prowess to support daft dad's assessment that "he really is one of the best doctors in the country!"

Writer/director Doug Campbell, you are a treasure.

High Points

There's a reason why a podcast exists titled Eric Roberts Is the F&cking Man. The reason is, plainly and simply, Eric Roberts is indeed the f&cking man. Also, go listen to this podcast's coverage of Stalked By My Doctor. You will be better for it

Low Points

There's something a tad unsatisfying about the ending, but that's easy to dismiss when the possibility of a sequel smells sweeter than gently aged books or a new carpet

Lessons Learned

Hot teenage girls are just going to have to learn to accept that medical professionals are going to inappropriately hit on them when they're at their most vulnerable

Attention Starbucks employees: when writing a customer's name on his or her cup, be sure that all stalking surgeons are listed as "Dr."

If you feel guilty about almost killing your girlfriend with your careless driving, the best way of showing it is to simply ignore her. She'll get the message

Rent/Bury/Buy

Why be unhappy when you can just watch Stalked By My Doctor? Heck, why do ANYTHING when you can just watch Stalked By My Doctor?

Point being, this is a masterpiece. Go make your life better.