The Tribe Has Spoken

As we've long established, I'm an easy mark for a certain type of horror movie. Put keywords like "tropical island" or "tough chicks" or "Vinnie Jones" or "90 minutes on Neftlix Instant" in your description and you pretty much have an automatic review.

Quick Plot: Aforementioned tough chick Billie (Killer Mermaid's Natalie Burn) AWAKENs on a beautiful aforementioned tropical island being patrolled by Perfect Record Movie Enhancer* (and aforementioned) Vinnie Jones and his band of enforcers. Billie teams up with a ragtag assortment of strangers who like her, AWAKENed on this paradise with no idea how or why.

Leading the survivors is Robert Davi, creeping out the survivors is Edward Furlong, and gathering them all in secret is Jason (not Jeremy, as if that matters) London. 

Why go through the trouble of kidnapping random adults, dropping them on a small island surrounded by sharks and Vinnie Jones, and watching them from a mansion?  Well, get ready:

Remember that movie where Spartacus 1.0's wife was kidnapped and forced into a female fighting ring to determine if her baby would be adopted by a wealthy couple? Didn't that seem a little, you know, COMPLICATED? Well my dear friends, Awaken might just beat it. 

Why, you wonder, is J. London dropping hostages on an island, watching them through surveillance video, and occasionally sending a rather large team of mercenaries in to extract one? The answer is as simple as Turistas: organ theft!

To be clear, I am a huge supporter of organ donation to the point that I genuinely believe it should be illegal NOT to give your working parts to someone in need when you're done with them. But that has nothing to do with the issue in Awaken.

See, it's one thing to kidnap wandering strangers who won't be missed and harvest their parts. It's another to set up an elaborate tropical resort just so your victims are forced to take in the fresh air and eat island produce. If you're going to kidnap perfectly healthy people to save the life of Darryl Hannah's dying daughter, can't you just chain them up in a sun room and substitute coconuts for bread and water?

My point being, Awaken is pretty ridiculous movie. There are too many characters, too many mysteries, too many henchmen, (if such a thing exists) and way too little Vinnie Jones. Actual plot and sense aside, Awaken is also the kind of action/genre flick that emphasizes female strength, puts out some decent action scenes, and, well, is set on a really pretty locale. It's not a great film by anyone's definition of cinema, but it's entertaining and pretty to look at. These are not bad things.

High Points

With plenty of hand-to-hand combat, the action sequences are actually quite strong. It's genuinely enjoyable to watch Natalie Burn kick some ass

Low Points

It's just not exactly pleasing to watch anybody talk to each other in the awkward style of Awaken

Lessons Learned

Edward Furlong is really good at naked cuddling

Never have your bloodwork tested when south of Mexico

If you can't carry your own body weight, you can't do advanced technique

Rent/Bury/Buy

Look, Awaken isn't exactly a "good" movie, but it's filmed on a beautiful tropical island, it stars (mostly) beautiful people, and it features a whole lot of decent fight scenes. If you're looking for something breezy to help you kill 90 minutes, you could certainly do infinitely worse. 

*Can we all agree that if there's one actor in this world who deserves better work, it's Vinnie Jones? The man is the cinematic equivalent of peanut butter. You can add him to ANYTHING and said thing will vastly improve by at least 33%. 

The Moronic Shall Inherit the Earth

When a film’s keywords include post apocalypse and cannibalism, it’s bound to be of interest to a certain fan constituent. Add the always entertaining Vinnie Jones, the always interestingly odd Michael Madsen, the always nerd king Robert Carradine, and the always welcome convenience of Netflix Instant Watch and you earn a quick viewing by me.

Unfortunately, Tooth and Nail--a 2007 thriller featured in the 8 Films To Die For After Dark Horrorfestl--never lives up to its promising presence, mostly because it contains characters devoid of even a peanut shell worth of common sense.

Quick Plot: Three years after the world’s supply of gasoline has run dry, scattered Foragers (the good guys, because they are pretty) and Rovers (villains who shop at Thunderdome) are all that’s left. Led by “The Professor” (Carradine), the Foragers hold up in a roomy hospital, occasionally roller skating, aimlessly, having fully clothed sex, and exchanging blank glances at one another seeped in quiet worry. Their biodome-esque existence gets shaken when a few of their scouts return with Neon (Rachel Miner) who, aside from being the stupidest named character in recent cinema, also brings unwelcome news that the Rovers are hot on her ponytail.

I often complain about IMDB message boards because typically, they remind me of a future first glimpsed at in Idiocracy. Following Tooth and Nail, I randomly popped by the forums and was surprised to find this thoughtful post by mysterious user pbohn1:

“I've seen this in other posts, so I thought I'd make it my own thread. I'm so sick of "Suspension of disbelief" being used as an excuse for lazy writing. Just because it's a movie doesn't mean that you can just decide to throw all logic and reason out the window and then simply say "It doesn't have to make sense or be logical. It's a movie." That's just some bogus justification for "We couldn't actually come up with a plausable (sic) end of world scenario that hasn't been done before." 

I forgive Dawn of the Dead for its female characters not cutting off their ponytails when being chased by grabby grabby zombies, just as I give a pass to Bryce Dallas Howard’s complimentary lip gloss in Terminator Salvation. There’s a certain point that I can sit back and enjoy a film, despite its inconsistencies or plot holes. When every character onscreen, however, seems incapable of doing a single thing right...sigh.

Surviving an apocalypse is tough stuff (I will probably not make it). You have to be brutal, strong, smart, and disciplined. In other words, if you know that a gang of murderers is heading to your home base at sundown, would you (or, for that matter, your mentally retarded turtle) wait until late dusk to scurry to a hiding spot? When one of your people is missing and a bucket of blood is all that’s left, do you “go looking for him” outside, sans weapons, with your hands in your pockets and a stupid smile on your face?

Tooth and Nail is filled with moments like these, dumb character choices that make you root for their deaths in the name of protecting the human race’s last scraps of intelligence. There are indeed some interesting things going on (despite a ripped-from Mad Max premise straight down to the frizzy haired mute child) but it’s hard to stay involved in a film when you just want to put its entire cast into special needs classes.

High Points

Though none of the cannibal raids quite live up to their potential, director Mark Young does demonstrate some skill at building a tense and-soon-the-darkness setup

I haven’t seen much of Michael Kelly since his surprisingly effective turn in Dawn of the Dead, and he’s a welcome--if underused--presence here

Low Points

Anybody else bothered by this line?

“Within three years more than two-thirds of the world's population had starved to death, frozen to death, or slaughtered each other. The American dream became the American nightmare.”

What is the logical connection between “the world’s population” and “The American dream”? It just feels like lazy writing, a narrative clump of cliches trying to make Big Statements that don’t even link.

Lessons Learned

When planning on annihilating a cannibal gang, always take the time to savage yourself out with tribal facepaint. It makes all the difference in your stab strength.

If your evening’s plans include eluding a band of violent cannibals indoors, you’re probably better off replacing clunky heels with soft-toed shoes

Keep a can of sulfuric acid nearby at all times. It’s way more effective than a rape whistle

Young actresses: never agree to a participate in a sex scene with Rider Strong. His porn-ready name not withstanding, these moments generally feel awkward on camera and lead to your inevitable onscreen death

Rent/Bury/Buy

I’m not necessarily discouraging a Tooth and Nail watch, providing it costs little to no money and you’re already an apocalyptic fan. It’s a messy, uneven film not really sure of itself but there is a neat (if fairly obvious) twist and some enjoyable giggling by a mowhawked Vinnie Jones along the way. If you can get by the fact that everybody onscreen is an idiot, you may be okay.

As If the Subway System Wasn't Horrible Enough, Now There's ...

If you’ve followed news in the horror world last summer, you may recall the release drama of The Midnight Meat Train. Produced by Lions Gate and based on a Clive Barker short story, this film was intended for a full theatrical release before being yanked for less-than-desired showings in a handful of dollar theaters across the States. Barker barked and horror devotees complained. Saw V and The Strangers took the blame. Was this another case of shafting original horror to showcase easy money sequels and remakes?


It pains me to say this, but The Midnight Meat Train is not the long lost gem we hoped for. It’s skillfully made by director Ryuhei Kitamura, with clean visuals and more than adequate performances. The basic plot and setting offer oodles of potential. And yet, for the entire running time, I found myself becoming more and more frustrated with everything that was and wasn’t onscreen.


Quick Plot: In an unnamed city, struggling vegetarian photographer Leon (Bradley Cooper) learns from the wisdom of famed art dealer Brooke Shields that in order to break out, he needs to take pictures of truly disturbing content without turning away. She knows this, of course, because of her early experiences with the famed Basquiat (we knew Shields was a child star and went to Princeton, but did you also know she also discovered one of NY’s greatest street artists when she was an adventurous 14 year old?).

Leon takes her advice and hits the streets, focusing mainly on the immaculately clean subway. As luck would have it, a few thugs are attempting to rape a pretty young woman right in perfect view of Leon’s non digital camera (and the very conveniently placed security CCTV). Leon has his shot and the woman is on her way to a conveniently patient late night train. The next day, Leon discovers a newspaper story chronicling her disappearance. A visit to the cops involves weird double speak and somehow inspires Leon on a vigilante mission to uncover this mystery, much to the chagrin of his far too understanding girlfriend.

Enter the Forrest Gumpish Vinnie Jones as the best dressed serial killer in mass transit. Sadly, he’s also the blandest, wearing a dull scowl that couldn’t be farther from the charismatic psychopath of The Condemned or even his supporting work in X-Men 3.

Deep sigh.


The Midnight Meat Train is not the worst film you’ll see, but I found it to be an incredibly disheartening film experience. 103 minutes isn’t long, but when extended stretches are devoted to empty montages, it feels like eternity (sort of the difference between an express and local train). The title calls back to something gritty and mean, like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but the film’s primary problem is just how clean it is. I’ve never seen a subway that shines with such regularly applied stainless steel cleaner and the digitalized gore is so noticeably unreal, none of the violence lands until the very last scene. By then, it’s a little too late to reinvest.


High Points
Surprisingly enough, the romance between Cooper and Leslie Bibb is quite believable and affectionate, providing a solid emotional base for the finale to land

Low Points
...but the fully clothed sex scene is supposed to do what exactly?



Cooper is fine enough as Leon, but his insanely fast slide into insanity? obsession? paranoia? is so messily done that it’s hard to really want to follow him on his increasingly dumb endeavors underground

Early in the film, Leon talks about how he pulls so much inspiration from the big bad city. That’s fine and mood-setting, but it would certainly help if the city WE see wasn’t drenched in shiny blue coloring. Of course, we could also SEE the city rather than the ridiculously clean metro and one friendly steakhouse


Until the last act, there is nothing actually frightening happening. We don’t know any of the victims, so seeing an extra or two sitting on a train and then get chopped up by a computer effect simply has no emotional impact

Lessons Learned
The only way to survive an encounter with Vinnie Jones is to first sell him candy


Searching for keywords on microfiche is much easier and faster than using Google


Never assist your friends in breaking into a rundown motel where a homicidal butcher allegedly lives; the consequences are just not fun

Bloody floors are incredibly slippery


Rent/Bury/Buy
I really wanted to like this movie but as seen in my extensive low points, that’s far too difficult to do. The performances are better than average and the final scene does start to get interesting, but the coldly empty blood and story inanity is just not enjoyable. How, for example, would any city’s subway system still be functioning if multiple straphangers disappear EVERY SINGLE NIGHT? I’m not one to nitpick plot details, but when the core concept seems so unruly, it just makes everything else that much more glaringly careless. That being said, those of you with a genuine interest in visual design of modern horror may find this particular approach interesting. It’s different and definitely made by someone with artistic vision; I just don’t think that style fits the nature of this film in the least.